My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

Wow seriously I would want to know where he was spending his money - however that maybe income before tax and NI so the figure maybe less. However I would def be checking he wasnt funding another family lol.

Def a good reason why everything should go in a joint account.

Hi OP. I ve read all the posts on here. I think you could learn a lot about ur DH from this behaviour. I think he has been a bit of a crafty fucker and it would help you to reflect on this, moving forward. Try not to gloss over this, as tempting as it might be, but drill him down on why he thought his actions were okay. You found this out quite by chance. He never once offered it up. Don’t put it to the back of your mind. Forewarned is forearmed and all that… Good luck. I get an uneasy sense that you might need it.

YANBU... he's withheld important info from his spouse, however if he earned 97k you are on v similar take home as he will have been taxed at 60%.

The only person who had been financially abusive is the OP’s husband. The OP is generous enough to pay for family holidays, car repairs etc. she has played a straight hand offering to help her husband out in a kind way. He on the other hand has buried the fact that he earned £55,000 more than his wife thought he had last year. He feigned guilt about to not being able to contribute towards the holiday when he should have had money to contribute. It’s as simple as that. I feel for you OP. This is a significant betrayal of your trust. I hope you are okay and I really hope that you now put yours and your children’s interests front and centre, not that you didn’t before, but I would now be saying that holidays must be jointly paid for. Do you now how much he is likely to earn this year? I just think he is deeply dishonest . You sound lovely. Look after yourself!

Being blackmailed?! Jeez, it’s not a bloody Netflix drama!

I suspect the letter is a fake or something. Otherwise, how he is about money doesn't add up.
Agree a good discussion about it is called for

100% it’s your business.

1. are you sure it wasn’t 97k over a certain period?

2. if it is true, that’s a big bonus for that size of basic salary? So where is it coming from? I mean, I know directors get good bonuses, but he’s not a directors salary.

3. if it is true, then why did he hide it? That’s fundamentally it. If he’s feeling insecure about sharing this knowledge, I’d say it’s a red flag.

This has happened to someone I know. Similar anount. It was an error by HMRC, not unusual apparently. Talk to your DH, that's the priority. If the amount was visible thru the envelope window obvs you see it, another bad by HMRC, data protection breach if accurate

Why are people not reading ALL of the Op's updates ?!
the letter is real,
the amount is correct
AND
he received a £200 tax rebate !

If your income goes over £100k then you do, as a PAYE employee.

It may well be a scam letter (so many about, so possible), but equally it may be that his previous annual income has necessitated a tax return in the previous tax year/years.

My husband has to fill one each year, and if his income was to drop below that threshold for a tax year, the onus is on him to declare to HMRC.

Definitely a conversation is needed OP.

when I was on statutory maternity leave / pay I saved hard and used my savings to see me through both occasions. DH didn't top me up. It works both ways! It works for us.
except it doesn’t work both ways. It works one way- you are responsible, manage money, work hard and save carefully and use all of your savings on your family. Even when you’re not earning as you are doing a full load at home with a baby you are still funding the family. The next holiday your dh came on would be the one that he saves for and funds, I’ve got the ick thinking about having to compensate for a grown man’s inability to manage money or communicate to his wife.

As you have 0 idea what it was regarding, what if it was joint income?

You're married, you saw it unintentionally. Ask him.

You are definitely not alone so do not feel judged. You work hard,get your income to whatever level and contribute to the home. Why should you put in more than him? If there was ever a break up,God forbid,you'd have financed his life. This way,you save your money for the family and your children.

I too earn more than my husband and we split just like you and I pay for all children's activities, furniture around the house,big buys basically but no,I treasure my financial independence and wouldn't put my money in a pot with anyone.

Different strokes for different folks!

It is not mugging him off. He knows how much you earn,he should have shares his amazing commission. You wouldn't have taken it off him,just asked that he treats the family in some way.

Our finances are managed exactly the same way as you! Do not accept to feel judged.

Let the others pot their finances. The question is transparency, if the letter is genuine, he did not disclose the information and went on with you paying the extras while he enjoyed his however he wished.

Well done for getting to the bottom of it. Your situation sounds reasonable on both sides.

I would recommend an annual financial meeting too. Families/marriages are like small businesses and need to be managed carefully and roles allocated according to skill set.

My DH is great at making money but also great at spending it: I literally apply family tax now to his income and have him pay a lot to me which I save and invest.

we have a spreadsheet of assets pink shaded for mine, blue shaded if his name and green for jointly landed assets.

I send that to the lawyer who holds our willls annually too.

Annual, or more often if necessary we do a revalue of the assets and check all the balances. If we did split I honestly think it would be reasonably easy to do a cleanish break.

I suspect we both have running away funds too…. Also important.

💯 most comments seem to think there's only one approach to partnerships.

The financial abuse accusation is crazy. It isn't abusive to manage your own money and not let your partner spend it on whatever they like. It certainly isn't abusive to do this when both of you work full time and when the lower income earner hasn't slowed down their career for childcare reasons.

My DP and I earn half of what you and your husband earn, I'm the higher earner by over double, and we started off 15 years ago on the same salary. We've always had separate finances too, with me using my extra to pay for holidays and save for a mortgage. In our arrangement if anything DP is better off because he gets more money he spends day to day. We would both feel weird about him frittering away my money, but I don't mind him doing this with his. Almost all of mine goes on things for the family or savings for the family. If I wanted to buy something really expensive for myself with my money then we would discuss it and the impact on wider finances. Just because we don't have joint bank accounts doesn't mean that we don't discuss big purchases jointly. I don't understand why this is confusing.

You are jumping up conclusions.
Employers don’t use the word “income” referring to pay/wages/salary/compensation. Certainly not salary plus commission. Total compensation, total remuneration, not the word Income, ever.

Employers don’t send wage/compensation info home, for exactly people like you reading mail.

Forget about this envelope, or ask him.

This sounds fishy to me - it's not the kind of letter HMRC send out

No, but there is only one approach to honesty and openess.

wny haven’t you asked him?
i think it sounds so odd that you are married and haven’t just asked ?
‘I saw the post, the letter said £97k, you did well on commission last year … have you banked it or are you planking a nice holiday for us 🎁’

True!

Hi, my friend sent me your post because this story is almost exactly the same as mine. Google covert narcissist, one of the most deceptive and dangerous narcissists when it comes to money. I’ve been married to one for over 25 years and only recently discovered he’s a covert narc .. warning…once you see it you won’t be able to unsee it..I’m here for a chat!Read this

She has discussed it with him!
Why wouldn't you read the OPs posts before telling her what to do?