My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

Basically stop living above your means ,people have a habit of the more they earn the more they spend I.e get a bigger house

Did you post about this before? I recall a similar thread several months ago

This and ... given that DH wants to earn more and is thinking about his wealth ...
Suggest you visit a financial advisor together to discuss your long term financial savviness in terms of becoming as wealthy as you can. There may be things you both should be concentrating on and don't know about. Maybe you should be increasing your superannuation or purchasing an investment property.

Ask him.

Tell him as a family you need to be more transparent.

I'll show you mine, you show me yours ...

Show him your bank statements, payslips, credit card statements, savings accounts. The lot.

Then ask him to do you the courtesy of doing the same.

See what he says.

Where's the money? If spent what on? Lying by omission is still lying. Hope you get the answers you need to move forward. I think at some point this will hit you right smack in the face emotionally. Good luck

I don't know why people act so surprised when they find these things out if they have separate bank accounts in a marriage. It seems to me that there is a problem from the very beginning if you don't want to share the finances.

The first thing is you haven't seen the whole letter. You are speculating. Try good old fashioned straightforward communication and transparency.

The op has seen the letter. If you filter the thread you can read the op's posts which have a number of updates. The amount was an additional commission which her husband spent on paying off debts.

Separate finances can mean all sorts of things from completely separate with no discussion to a joint account for joint expenditure but retaining own accounts for personal spends with full transparency of income. It sounds like the Op and her DH were at completely separate ends of the spectrum which will need a lot of further discussion and rebuilding trust.

sounds like a communication breakdown in your marriage.
you know he earns commissions and assumed he earns about 60k.
You have been paying for the big ticket things ever since because the higher earner…
he offered to pay half towards the holiday but you refused based on your assumption…

he’s told you he earns commissions and you assumed a figure,
he has asked to pay for half the holiday.
it sounds like you’re competitive with him are blinkered to what he might earn/and liking the fact that you’re the higher earner and paying for everything ..

if my husband wanted to pay for everything I’d absolutely let him, I think your husband is just going with the flow on all your assumptions ..

why don’t you just speak to him and reset the finance contributios to family activities.

I am torn before you didn't want to share extra money but as soon as you find out he has more your eyes widen.

You must be reading the wrong thread. That's precisely the opposite of what she did. She had savings in her name but all savings were for her family to cover holidays and pay for extras. She believed she was doing this because she was the higher earner. Bills and normal outgoings were split equally. What has actually happened is that her husband earned the same as her but has been lying to her that he earned far less and has been letting her spend her extra money on him and the family. His extra money seems to have disappeared into a black hole.

Why does there have to be a problem from
the beginning if you don’t have only a joint bank account?

When you've spent many years visitng places like Mumsnet you soon realise you would have to be a total fool to completely share finances like that. Always retain a little bit of independence because things can go tits up no matter how many years in you are. Who in their right mind wouldn't keep a bank account of their own?

It doesn't mean there's an issue. It's just common sense.

The OP ask us “Why?” in her opening post. The problem is that no one can answer that - except OP and DH. 15 pages of wasted contributions really …

To answer your question OP your husband has been lying to you so that he can keep a significant amount of money without your knowledge. He has done this so that you will pay for his holidays, his share of any significant outgoings and his share of your children’s large presents etc. I think you are an intelligent woman and I think you do know this but quite rightly it’s a bitter pill to swallow after 15 years and two children. Now your eyes have been opened, but only courtesy of HMRC, it must be clear to you that he will not have earned zero commission ever, so has been lying to you for a long time and had absolutely no intention of changing this deceitful arrangement. ‘A chat’ can not be relied on, he has lied to you by omission for at least two years and probably much, much longer. If you choose to stay with someone who has treated you this way you would be wise to consider setting down rules where he shows you pay slips etc ongoing. Personally I could not look at my husband in the same way after this. Do not downplay this or laugh it off as him being a bad saver. He is a grown man with a wife and children; his behaviour has been disgraceful and he was not going to tell you, he simply got found out.

This doesn't make sense, you say you have separate finances but pay bills from a joint account. You also say that everything is split 50/50 but then lots of other things, cars, holidays, raising children, all come from your savings account that only you contribute to, this doesn't sound very 50/50 to me. What were his small debts he paid off?

Not splitting everything 50/50 makes sense when earnings are unequal but it seems unfair to be concealing income then offering to pay for some things, saying you're unable to contribute to others, whilst your partner has no idea how much you've actually made.

one thing to be aware of is even if your savings are split he’s entitled to half if you divorce. Slightly frustrating when one of your spends all your money on the kids, a pension pot or saving for the family and the other buys things for himself. The pots all get shared and the things are worthless.

I don't think you've been abusive, but I've recently started earning a lot more and it has made me rethink things. Previously I only earned a little more and it seemed fine to organise our finances as you do. But now I've realised it means my partner is always pushed to the limits of his income by decisions I make. Like, will we buy on the vine tomatoes or classic salad tomatoes, but across ever single decision. Especially with things like holidays, where I'm treating us to something extra nice, when maybe he would feel more comfortable spending less on the holiday and more on replacing his dead elastic boxers or simply more towards the mortgage. It's controlling without meaning to be and I think would be seen differently if the genders were reversed. It can't be nice to feel as though you can't contribute to your family, that everything from the children's clothes to summer holidays are just mummy's treats, and actually if cheaper choices were made, maybe he could. (We plan to change our set up once my finances are a bit more predictable, and in the meantime I'm just paying a bit extra into our shared account and trying to be more frugal.)

Your partner has been really dishonest. Maybe he was feeling controlled, maybe, for the first time, he was going to get his head above water and he's been ashamed about his situation, but whatever it is, you have to press him on it. That's double his salary, and it can't just disappear on small debts. They'd have to be big debts. If they were, why didn't you know about them? Does he think paying for shared costs just isn't his responsibility? Where has all that money gone? It sounds like his sneakiness might be hiding real incompetence with money, and in fact your arrangement might have to continue to protect your family money, but with greater openness and more input from him about what he thinks are reasonable expenses.

More fool her then for agreeing to that set up.

His take home pay after taxes and no is £65,487. You fell into the trap of you have your money and I have mine. If you want to avoid arguments you put it together.

I guess this is what happens when you have separate bank accounts in a marriage.

Sounds very odd though that income was actually visible through an envelope.

If you're married, just put your money together. Then you can see what you have, and what's left over.

Omg this is what my ex did , I covered all holidays school fees groceries etc for 20 years , I was also lied to
in my experience it’s the tip of the ice burgh
hes basically stealing your wealth
i would want to see all his earnings history since being together, betting his got huge pension and secret savings to boot .
he is a liar
and has been using you
awful you need to sort this and see everything
mot would be game over for me

Why are people so obsessed with completely merging finances when you get married? I earn more than my husband (neither of us high earners though) and we both contribute the same towards joint account where all bills come from. The rest stays in our own accounts. Because I have more money left after bills than DH, I pay for the vast majority of kids stuff: clothes including school uniform, shoes, activities, presents, birthday parties, presents for friends, etc. If we go out for a meal sometimes I’ll pay, sometimes my husband will, sometimes we’ll use the joint account.

For the most part I think it’s perfectly fair, but neither of us really has much money left once everything is said and done, if one of us had loads of money left I guess that would be unfair. But alas, we don’t 😂 The only thing that annoys me is that DH seems to have no clue how much all these kid related things cost and always acts surprised if I say I can’t afford to pay for something because I spent all my money on the kids 🙄 I guess if he knew how much kids actually cost we wouldn’t have had 3 though, and I quite like them all so I’m glad he was clueless 😂

Why are people so obsessed with completely merging finances when you get married?

Do you know what marriage is?

you don't have to merge finances completely, but to most people I know marriage is a partnership, shared costs is part of it and obviously in a divorce everybody gets half pretty much so it seems like its a good way to organise things when actually married too. I think hiding anything, is not a sign of a good partnership, especially if it's finances. Honestly I get annoyed if my partner hides chocolate for himself!