My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

So he makes £50000 commission one year only and then about 15000 all other years ?
Why, it really doesn’t make sense?

DH recently said he feels bad that he owes me money for the holiday.

^

This is a clear lie. He's bullshitting you, and happy about doing so.

He's been fine with you footing the bill for last year. He is not ignorant to this.

Some odd and misguided comments in this thread. There is nothing wrong with having separate accounts. Not everything needs to be joint, indeed certain investments cannot be. What is required though, is honesty and transparency.

Yeh you need to see the past tax returns too...

Wow. He’s happy to take, take, take from you, and hides his money. What a betrayal.

If you log into his HMRC government gateway together you should be able to see his total earnings for the past few tax years. Or check his P60 or final April payslip per year for total earnings per year.

If it was me I would want to know exactly how he’s run up these debts / What are they / How much was it exactly / Then where is the rest of the money left? The trust would be gone for me. Nothing wrong with separate finances if this works for you but clearly he’s been hiding a lot when you’ve been totally transparent with him.

So has he admitted it?

I’d be wondering how much money he made the years you took maternity leave whilst expecting you to have saved enough to cover your expenses. And I’d be wondering how much commission he took every year.

Why are you not more upset than this? I’d be demanding to see the letters or a P60 from previous years.

"AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high! "

Yes, but why doesn't he come home and say 'guess what I've made lots of money this month lets go out/plan a holiday/etc'?

The good side is you aren't economically tied to him. The bad side is what has happened to the emotional ties.

All you can do is ask him about his behaviour and have it out with him. Only you can decide if you are satisfied with his answers.

I’d be questioning his earnings generally after that revelation. It’s just a bit underhand and lying by omission is still bloody lying imo. Are you sure he’s not got himself a nice little savings account or pension or gambling habit you don’t know about? That is a lot of money to not lose or for you not to notice (not blaming you of course but if he’d been spending it like any normal person you presumably would have noticed).

Shady fucker I’m not surprised you're cross.

I think for me this would massively end the trust. I'd be thinking which other years has he had big commissions, what else has he lied about. You have been saving to help your family because he can't and he's just kept almost £50k from you! This is not ok.

Well some people seem to think 'joint finances = one pot' and anything else is 'separate'. Mumsnet is obsessed with the 'one pot'. While @VeterinaryCareAssistant has a harsher definition. Separate means a set contribution to the joint and the rest nobody's business.

@LiveLaughCryalot I tend to think that truly separate finances are the second definition. Why does it matter where the money's sat, if it's discussed? DH and I contribute a set amount to the joint but we know most details of each other's finance. We move money around different accounts to take advantage of things like current account switch bonuses. If there are two of us, we can BOTH take advantage of a juicy deal and earn double the amount.

To me we have 'joint finances' although in separate accounts because we know how much. Well, we need the other's permission to access a personal account but surely in a 'trusting marriage' that's not an issue? DH pays for things without questions and vice versa. We budget with the entire amount, not separately.

The lack of transparency in OP's case is deceitful IMO.

Your faith in the efficiency of HMRC staff is touching.

I can't fathom how 42 grand only just covers bills!!. That's a good salary!

This. His behaviour is an enormous red flag. No way you should let this go.

He's got a little trust fund he's building up for himself.

I'd be asking myself why is he doing that and where is it (need to find bank account details) and how much does he have in it.

You've been completely transparent about your promotion and earnings and the savings you've put away.

He hasn't.

He's a selfish lying shit and I would be very very angry.

And then sad - that he doesn't seem to be trustworthy after all.

Why do you have to do full transparency - and he doesn't? Does he operate on a different moral code to you?

If you were ever to separate and divorce he'd have been mugging you off for years.

How long has this been going on for? And why is he doing it?

It's an abuse of your trust.

I think he has been really deceitful OP.

If he had put it into a savings account and it was there for the kid's futures or being put to one side for long term savings, then fine. In fact I'd be really happy to discover there was over 50K in savings that I didn't know about.
But your DH sounds like mine and he has no savings to his name. He doesn't even spend money on useful things e.g. home improvements. Its just flittered away with nothing to show for it.

As a result, I keep money hidden from him. Its in savings in my kid's names so I know it will pay their uni fees. . If he knew about it, he'd have grand plans about how to spend it and they'd have nothing.

ETA It would make me even angrier that he left the worrying about future long term expenses to me and I was trying to manage everything. Not just the actual finances but the worry that goes with trying to juggle everything so we could live the lifestyle we wanted AND protect the kid's futures. Meanwhile he could have eased that burden by investing the majority of his bonus but instead he took it all for himself. He is incredibly selfish in every way.

If you'd not found it, you'd never ever have known.

It's the lying and the secrecy that's horrible.

Our finances are arranged much like yours. We earn fairly similar amounts and pay into a joint account for most bills. I don't know exactly what my husband earns with commission. He doesn't know exactly what I earn either. We have shared this information at various times when we have reviewed finances but it's not a big topic except at times when money is tight or there is something unexpected or changing. I usually pick up holiday bills, he usually picks up restaurant bills. I perceive it that we choose to pay for those things, almost like a gift. If he wanted a different holiday, he would pay. I empathise with your situation but feel like our conversation would be more like 'woah, you earned 50k commission last year. Amazing! You must have saved some money....can you handle the bill for the new kitchen/treat us to a holiday next summer? Enjoy it!

We have separate accounts but we do know what's going on.
This is just underhanded.
I would be fuming.

So he didn’t tell you

1. he had debts he’d built up
2. he had doubled his salary in one year with commission

Not great for an open and honest relationship-was he ever going to tell you or was he going to continue letting mummy treat him to holidays and luxuries whilst he spent his extra money on fuck knows what whilst pretending he didn’t have any?

Taking away 10% for pension, 38k is approx 2500 a month. Unfortunately our mortgage, council tax, gas and electric, sky, Netflix, life insurance, tv licence and water add up to that!

DH and I had a chat. It was from 22/23. He got a big lump of commission in one go and used it to pay of some small debts, then kept the rest to live off during his lower paid months and top up his income.

all perfectly reasonable. It's the underhandedness of it that would annoy me.

Our set up sounds similar @nc1q84r0v and I agree, on here it's either black or white. No one sees the grey. When I see someone post they have separate finances I assume they are within that grey zone and tbh they usually are unless there's some financial issues/abuse at play.

What's the problem with the kids picking up that mummy is paying because daddy is a bit skint? What's the problem with the kids knowing mummy earns more and is a better money manager than daddy?
They'll know the right parent to go to for money management advice. And if they are unfortunate to partner up with bad money managers later in life they'll know to protect their income from being frittered away like this $50k commisson income appears to have been.