My DH has hidden his true income from me... but why?!

[PurpleTrees123]

Together 15 years, married 10 years, 2 kids. we are happy. Name changed but regular mnetter.

Short version:
DH salary is £42.5k.
His commission bumped his income up to £97k last year, but he has never mentioned this.
AIBU to think he should have mentioned this at some point?

Long version:
DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc.

My salary is more than DH's. I am a good saver, so I set aside my savings first,
and then decide what to do with the left over. I might save some more, I might
spend.

We have separate finances (I know this divides opinions on here!) We get paid into our own bank accounts, and then transfer a set amount each month to a joint account. All bills are paid from the joint account. We are then left with our
own pots of money to do as we wish.

Generally this has worked well for both of us as I am a good saver, so despite the fact I earn more, I also will save for big ticket items and pay for those.... new
boiler, holiday, big days out, family meals, theatre tickets etc.

I feel confident that this has been an even split over the years. And for many
years, DH took home more than I did.

Today, the post has been delivered and there are several letters in there. As I went through them, there are 3 letters from the Inland Revenue. 2 letters are in small brown envelopes, nothing unusual.

One of the letters was bigger and had a large window where the name and address is. Through the window, I could instantly see the words, Income: £97,000

I can’t unsee this. I didn’t go looking for this. It’s actually shocking how it is so clear. I guess it’s the way the letter has been drafted and folded, and this info just happened to end up in the window and be so visible.

Now I don’t know what to do… only yesterday we were talking about job hunting and he was saying that he needs to earn more money as he doesn’t like feeling like he always owes me money for things (I just paid for a big holiday out of the savings).

He has potential to earn commission in his role, but at no point has he ever alluded to the fact he has doubled his basic income. All this time I am thinking he earns much less than me, and I have been paying for things out of the savings to make things fairer. His car needed a full service and work done recently and I even offered to pay for that. He didn’t take me up.

I can’t think what he has spent his money on. We have 2 nice cars – we pay for these monthly and I know how much this costs. Our children do lots of activities, but again this is all out of the joint account so I know how much these cost.

We hardly eat out. He doesn’t have a shopping habit, we don’t belong to expensive clubs. We both WFH mostly, and spend all weekends together.

If I can save money each month, then how has he ended up with not enough to even contribute to joint holidays, and say he needs a better paid job?!

I recognise we are financially comfortable, and I am not here for a debate on
WHAT we spend our money on. We both pay into pensions.

AIBU in thinking he should have told me his whole income, rather than let me think he only earns his basic salary. I feel a bit of a mug to be honest.

Or is it none of my business? He hasn’t actually lied… I’ve never asked him what he took home last year. But at the same time, I had no idea his earning potential was that high!

Right now this is fresh and it sounds like you’re trying to be unemotional about it all, to give your DH the benefit of the doubt. But the withholding of important financial information, when you’re so open and fair about your own, has the potential to drive a wedge between you. You may find yourself feeling very angry, or unsafe, or sad, or something else entirely, once the initial shock has worn off.

I would suggest some counselling sessions might be useful, to help you both understand:

• Why DH withheld the information about his income
• Whether you are now fully in the know about the present and past situations. Is this a one-off?
• Is there anything else DH is hiding?
• How you genuinely feel about finding out DH has been hiding things from you
• How you genuinely feel about funding the big ticket items, thinking you were being fair, when actually DH had the means to fund more of your lifestyles
• How DH has been feeling about withholding the information about his true income
• How he feels now that you know about it
• How you’re going to rebuild trust and keep it

How can you say that your DHs income is none of your business? You’re married, you’re a team, kids, house together.

tbh you lost me already when you said you have separate accounts. Don’t get it.

I would take a photo of the envelope showing the 97k before you mention it just in case it "disappears". As many have said, it does seen unusual for the HMRC to show this information for anyone (you, postman etc) to see. I wonder if it's one if those "how would you like to earn an extra 97k" type things.

If you don't feel you could come straight out and mention anything could you use an excuse like being offered a better mortgage rate etc and you need his last 5 years of accounts?

April's coming very soon, so don't forget to check his P60 for this year to see if that really was a 'one-off'
Why does he have debts, £60k is surely enough to pay half the bills and have some spare left over? It doesn't add up, you need to see his bank statements going back a few years, along with payslips and do a credit check on him, I think it'll also show the debts he has 'cleared'.you need the full picture. He's deliberately sat back and let you pay for things knowing he should be contributing more and deliberately hid this info from you. It's not the first time, or the last.

What about other years?

I think he needs to be more transparent. And why isn't he? Does he not want to share his successes such as big bonuses with you?

You never would have known his deceitfulness unless you saw that letter.
I'd be wanting to see his financial statement for each year.

That has nothing to do with joint or separate accounts but being sneaky and deceitful for some reason. Why?

I don't think you're financially abusive to your DH at all OP.
I earn probably three times what DH earns - he pays a set amount into the joint account towards mortgage and bills etc, I cover the rest.
He covers his own fuel and hobbies etc, I cover food and big spends such as holidays - it works for us.

I think there is a conversation to be had with your DH re transparency, BUT, essentially I don't think you've got anything to worry about. He was covering off dents without asking you to bankroll him etc.
Not ideal, but not the end of the world.

That said, if he's earnt a spare 50k next year, tell him the celebratory holiday is on him.

Pay no mind to the LTB crew - if one of you isn't being abusive in some way towards the other, then apparently that's not normal according to some MNers.

PS, I don't actually know what DH earns - if I asked him he'd tell me, but I don't need to know. All I know is the mortgage and bills are paid and we have a nice holiday at least once a year and two nice cars on the drive (plus a couple of spares in the garage). It's all good x

I would find this very challenging. We managed our finances the same as you. Finances are separate, I earn more and save. Except you don't. Your Oh should be meeting some large household bills and you should have personal savings.

We have the same disposal earnings regardless of who earns what. You are massively subsidising your oh.

In future I would want to have more frequent conversations and open disclosure about actual earnings.

I do not think you have been financial abusive. You have been financially responsible.

Your DH has been irresponsible and selfish. What exactly did he spend the excess £54.5k on? That isn't small debt.

Personally I’d have just opened the letter. Why not?

Then if your first impression is correct, simply ask him.

Don't interrupt him. Just let him keep talking. Watch him closely and listen to every word he says.

Its a big hide if he’s not told you of his extra income of £50k.

But I see no point in jumping in until you see the whole letter (unless you have already and I’ve missed something).

That is because some posters are thick and always want to have a go at an OP in any way they can. Some posters have no comprehension skills, and some are just stupid.

Anyway, back to your situation. I would be absolutely livid. Here you are saving your extra for family stuff and here he is frittering his money away on his own choices and keeping it secret. Building up debts and keeping those secret too !

Ive had this happen to me and Ive left both bastards that have done this. Trust is really really important.

If I was you Id do a Land Registry search and check there are no second charges on the property. Then if ok, set up a Land Registry alert. Its free.

People snidey like this are dishonest

Yes, agree with @Densol57 , you get a lot of nasty 🤮 women on MN. Some are probaby just closet narcissists doing it out of spite - and for a reaction and attention.

' He got a big lump of commission in one go and used it to pay of some small debts, then kept the rest to live off during his lower paid months and top up his income '

but surely his wage is paid 12 times a year ? i.e. the basic salary.

' DH basic salary is currently £42.5k. his monthly income only just covers his share
of the bills, so he rarely has any more left to add to savings pots, pay off
the mortgage etc. '

there is still more to this than meets the eye...

as if he was using it to top up his income then he could have afforded his share of the bills easily

I have to agree with several posters. OP, unfortunately, I suspect when the conversation REALLY starts about where that £55K went, and you start asking for receipts, it might get ugly (obviously, we all hope it won’t, and he’s just been a fool, but not a malicious one, though… I just don’t know how allowing you to pay for everything when he had money can be ‘innocent’). Either the debts won’t have been small, or it’ll be bad investments. Anymore, it seems like it ends up being 50/50 cherchez la femme or cherchez la cryptocurrency in these situations.

WTF!

My DH and I had separate bank accounts but I knew what he earned and he knew what I earned.

The only way to get to the bottom of it is tell him what you saw. You may be mistaken but if he can earn bonuses, then why hasn't he earnt any?

If he has earned that much how much has he earned over the period of the marriage and where is the rest? You need to think what this dishonesty means to the relationship. He can't right this but if he can now pay off the mortgage or do something positive for all of you, you might be able to get past it.

Fingers crossed its a mistake....

OP, so your DH says that he earned about 50k in commission the year before last, but not in the last year?

I'd probe more on this. I worked in commission based roles for a number of years and outside of periods when I was ramping back after mat leave, every year I earned more than the year before, never less.
My skills and experience grew and so did my relationships with clients who I did business with.

Also was it commission paid with his salary every month? Or one lump payment at the end of the year?

Either way, it is a lot of money to spend on some "small debts" you didn't know he had.

Btw, I have a lot of empathy for your situation, I was with someone who was shit with money and unable to save penny and we only ever had a holiday or a new boiler if I saved up for it. I left after almost 20 years and it was one of the reasons.

Good luck really getting to the bottom of this. Maybe it would be worth seeing his experian report to ensure no other debts you don't know about.

For those saying £50k or £55k, it’s not - OP has said that she understood he was earning around £60k with commission. It seems he earnt £97k ish, after tax etc that’s about £20k difference take home for the year.

Whilst I do think he should have been more transparent about it as likely knew the OP wasn’t aware the commission would be as high as it was, I would think (earning similar) that it is plausible and entirely possible for £20k to disappear quite easily on a few little bits of debt (overdraft, bit lingering on a credit card etc) and then drip feed a bit to bring up his monthly pay over the year. Particularly as his base salary is not that high each money.

It’s exactly how I have use that money in some years and it doesn’t go that far. Difference is my husband knows I have it.

You are not being financially abusive to him, he has been financially abusive to you by not contributing his excess income to family holidays.

This. You pay 50:50 for bills etc but then your extra goes on family savings and his extra isn't accounted for

Not the point of this thread but only on MN would 12k be a perfectly normal amount of money to pay for 1 holiday for a family in a cost of living crisis

I agree that it's you who is being financially abused not your DH. You keep saying that you're better with money so your savings go on joint savings but that's ludicrous. If you said you were crap with money would it entitle you to spend all your leftover money on handbags or on your own personal savings or on gambling or whatever? Obviously not because your money is family money and needs to be accounted for, just like your DHs money is. He's been stealing from you for years by saying he has no money (aka lying) then relying on you for holidays and savings. The betrayal is huge.

Oh give over, only on MN does anyone thing peoelshoudk spend their own money because some other people are finding the increased COL difficult.

There's absolutely no benefit to anyone of high earners squirrelling their money away and never spending it, it needs to get back out into the economy, where it creates jobs and growth.

That’s what 2wks AI in August in a not particularly fancy 4* costs if you have 3 or 4 kids especially if any of them are over 12yrs. Package holidays are crazy prices these days. Sure, you could camp or do self catering but to relax with kids, AI is what works for many people.

I’m not saying it’s not a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a holiday. I’m just saying that you don’t get a lot for your money these days especially if your kids are over 12 thus count as adults as all 3 of mine do. That money doesn’t buy anything like luxury.

But until today it was absolutely fine and worked for us

Except it wasn't working for both of you.

Your DH was very underhand in hiding the commission payments, although I guess you didn't ask him either? You just assumed it was less. What has he earned in other years? Why did he feel the need to hide this from you? It all sound a bit odd, but then we pay all our money into a joint account, and save from there, so there's complete transparency.

I understand that you are angry at your DH, and you have a right to be, but if he's otherwise a good man, I would be wondering what it is about your financial set up that caused him to be secretive about the commission.

Going forward, it might be worth considering 4 accounts - one joint where all income is paid, two personal accounts for pre-agreed 'fun money' each month, one savings where any excess cash can go (perhaps just in your name if necessary, if your DH is a spender and finds it difficult to save). This way there'd be complete transparency, both partners would be paying their fair share, and both would be saving together, while still getting money for hobbies/clothes/frittering or whatever.

The best advice i got was.
Have a pocket he knows about and a pocket he dont.
The same goes for men.

So was that year's salary (inc commission) a one-off? Has he shown you what he's earned in other years?

If he's really bad with money, I would bet he's "investing" in crypto.