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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my son's behaviour wrong??

141 replies

Busybee44 · 05/03/2024 07:18

My son early 20's came home for the weekend and has 2 extra days booked off (he works away all week) , he said Sat he'd booked mon and tues extra so he has his dad can go to the pub for a drink (we have been trying to arrange this for months, each time ds makes an excuse and doesnt go).
So we finally agree Monday is good, my husband has mobility issues and is struggling at the moment but as my son said yes, he was determined to go. So, at 7pm son says just finishing ps game, then have to go out in my car then plan was we go. By 8 he is still playing game, then goes out in the car We wait, we see him pull up at 9, so we all get ready, husband struggling but gets himself downstairs.
Son then says he is too tired and can we do tomorrow (bearing in mind he goes back today) , we said well we are all ready now, your dad's got himself sorted an d in the car etc. Son huffs and puffs and then says ok he'll walk down and join us soon. So we leave at 9pm (daugther comes too), we wait, we wait, i message ds at 10pm , no answer, call 10.15, no answer. BY 10.30 we decide to leave, the pub shuts at 11 and husband now struggling.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc
Now, even if he has arrived it would be 10.40 by then at least, the pub shuts at 11, he knows his dad struggles atm and we were waiting. My son makes me feel like i / we are in the wrong, he has done this before. We ended up in a big phone row and i had to hang up.

I've barely slept and feel like we are wrong, are we?? He makes me feel so confused. Just need some honest views on this x

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 05/03/2024 07:20

Your son is a dick.

Allfur · 05/03/2024 07:20

Agree

VeryBusyDoingNothing · 05/03/2024 07:20

What an absolute arse. Sorry but that's awful

Maybeicanhelpyou · 05/03/2024 07:21

No, it’s not you it’s him. Don’t make yourselves so easily available next time. Make him appreciate you. He clearly doesn’t. You don’t deserve that behaviour.

Violettaa · 05/03/2024 07:22

Selfish arsehole.

2024Melanie · 05/03/2024 07:22

Son is in the wrong

ZekeZeke · 05/03/2024 07:22

Your sons is a dick

Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon · 05/03/2024 07:23

You know that this is selfish, self centred behaviour and that he is wrong and behaving like a 13 year old child not a fully grown adult.

Im afraid I would not be making arrangements with him again.
He can waste someone else’s time and energy.

Busybee44 · 05/03/2024 07:24

He has done this before, my daughter and i arranged to collect him from where is lives during the week as we were in the area and it was the weekend , we had arranged a time and when we got there he said he was seeing friends first for a drink, yet we had literally just arranged the time to meet him, i dont get it.

He is ADHD but i cant beleive this can be an excuse for this?

OP posts:
Duckduckgoes · 05/03/2024 07:24

Your son is behaving dreadfully. And just from this short description, I'd be worried that it goes beyond the normal teenage obliviousness (though he's 20!). He's lying, gaslighting, manipulating, and exploiting you. Is he paying any rent to live in your home? In your shoes I would seriously consider getting him to move out.
Edited to add that ADHD is never an excuse for any adult behaviour. It can be a reason for why certain aspects of life are more difficult, but not a carte blanche for hurting your loved ones.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 05/03/2024 07:25

It's not you op x

Ponoka7 · 05/03/2024 07:26

Your son is an immature inconsiderate shit. Have you spoilt him in the past? Unless this behaviour is new and he has developed a gaming problem, then you should be coming down on him like a ton of bricks. Don't be so available, as said. As we get older we can't cope with stress as well as we used to, he comes home with conditions. If he wants to go for a drink, it happens earlier. However I'd leave him to his own devices in future.

ohdamnitjanet · 05/03/2024 07:26

If he can’t be bothered just once to take his not very well dad out for a drink, not sure I’d be keeping his room available for him at the weekend. The gall of him blaming you all!

Ponoka7 · 05/03/2024 07:28

X post, does he actually want to meet up, or are you persuading him to?

Picklestop · 05/03/2024 07:29

Why are you even asking about this! He is an absolute prick, you should be reading him the riot act not asking mumsnet if you are being unreasonable.

Busybee44 · 05/03/2024 07:29

He said saturday he had booked the extra time off to go for this drink , so he brought it up, tbh im so confused now

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 05/03/2024 07:30

I wouldn't pander to any of this. If he knows the time of your plans then stick to it and go without him.

Busybee44 · 05/03/2024 07:30

Picklestop · 05/03/2024 07:29

Why are you even asking about this! He is an absolute prick, you should be reading him the riot act not asking mumsnet if you are being unreasonable.

sorry im so confused on it all i needed to tell someone on here and see i am not going mad xx

OP posts:
cerebuswannabe · 05/03/2024 07:32

I would stop picking him up and bringing him to your house. So nice things with your husband with your daughter only. Your son is the only one missing out.

cerebuswannabe · 05/03/2024 07:33

Do nice*

DelilahsHaven · 05/03/2024 07:36

This does sound very much like it could be an ADHD thing - executive function difficulties and procrastination are challenges for ADHD sufferers. It sounds like he is frustrated with himself.

It must feel very hurtful, and enormously frustrating, to you all.

Rather than an argument, could you wait until you're all feeling less raw and then have a conversation with him about ways of him managing arrangements like this? There is a YouTube channel called How to ADHD that is very good, and also Additude Magazine might be a useful resource for all of you. Taking the time to support your son might pay dividends in both his relationships with you, and with other people throughout his life.

Busybee44 · 05/03/2024 07:38

DelilahsHaven · 05/03/2024 07:36

This does sound very much like it could be an ADHD thing - executive function difficulties and procrastination are challenges for ADHD sufferers. It sounds like he is frustrated with himself.

It must feel very hurtful, and enormously frustrating, to you all.

Rather than an argument, could you wait until you're all feeling less raw and then have a conversation with him about ways of him managing arrangements like this? There is a YouTube channel called How to ADHD that is very good, and also Additude Magazine might be a useful resource for all of you. Taking the time to support your son might pay dividends in both his relationships with you, and with other people throughout his life.

thanks maybe we need to be more understanding of this? Tbh we have been, we have gone private for diagnosis, ive driven everywhere for the meds, i actually email him articles on coping etc, but i am not sure i can use ADHD as an excuse for this sort of thing?

OP posts:
fairymary87 · 05/03/2024 07:40

Stop arranging things with him

SomeCatFromJapan · 05/03/2024 07:41

thanks maybe we need to be more understanding of this?

No, he's a selfish dickhead and needs less pandering not more.

Motnight · 05/03/2024 07:43

fairymary87 · 05/03/2024 07:40

Stop arranging things with him

This.

He knowingly has caused your husband extra pain for nothing.