Is my son's behaviour wrong??

[Busybee44]

My son early 20's came home for the weekend and has 2 extra days booked off (he works away all week) , he said Sat he'd booked mon and tues extra so he has his dad can go to the pub for a drink (we have been trying to arrange this for months, each time ds makes an excuse and doesnt go).
So we finally agree Monday is good, my husband has mobility issues and is struggling at the moment but as my son said yes, he was determined to go. So, at 7pm son says just finishing ps game, then have to go out in my car then plan was we go. By 8 he is still playing game, then goes out in the car We wait, we see him pull up at 9, so we all get ready, husband struggling but gets himself downstairs.
Son then says he is too tired and can we do tomorrow (bearing in mind he goes back today) , we said well we are all ready now, your dad's got himself sorted an d in the car etc. Son huffs and puffs and then says ok he'll walk down and join us soon. So we leave at 9pm (daugther comes too), we wait, we wait, i message ds at 10pm , no answer, call 10.15, no answer. BY 10.30 we decide to leave, the pub shuts at 11 and husband now struggling.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc
Now, even if he has arrived it would be 10.40 by then at least, the pub shuts at 11, he knows his dad struggles atm and we were waiting. My son makes me feel like i / we are in the wrong, he has done this before. We ended up in a big phone row and i had to hang up.

I've barely slept and feel like we are wrong, are we?? He makes me feel so confused. Just need some honest views on this x

ADHD is not an excuse for bad behavior. My adult son has ADHD but would never act this way because he respects other people. Your son is a selfish asshole. Stop listening to his gaslighting and getting "confused." There is no confusion here. You know in your gut that he's a selfish, disrespectful twat. Proceed accordingly.

I know. But wanting to do a thing, and not having the executive function capability to do the thing, are one of the cruellest, and most frustrating, aspects of his disorder.

Now that he is grown up and living independently you'll have less if a handle on how he manages on a daily basis, so you're understandably nonplussed with what is very illogical behaviour.

The fact that his behaviour did defy logic is what makes me think it is likely disorder related.

You know him best, you know whether he is generally a loving son and whether this was an unusual situation, or if he normally treats others thoughtlessly.

He has been like this on other occasions too but can also be loving and kind too....

so he wouldnt have the ability do you mean to come with us, or meet us there as arranged?

I have know way of knowing.

It sounds more like he wasn't able to stop playing on the computer and then get ready to do either.

If you break getting ready to go out into all the tiny decisions and steps, it would only take being unable to do one to stop you from being ready at the right time.

Why not have a read about executive disfunction in ADHD, and ask him where he thought the plan went wrong when you're all calmer?

I think this sums it up well

I think you can only change your own behaviour, keep asking him along but trying not to get into conflict if he lets you down. As an adult he has to want to change his own behaviour and implement strategies to do so.

so he wouldnt have the ability do you mean to come with us, or meet us there as arranged?

He has the ability, but any number of things could happen to throw him off course. DP has ADHD and his time management is woeful. He can be right on schedule to head out the front door, when he suddenly decides that the recycling needs sorted or the garden hose needs to be put away or he has to phone his dad/the plumber/the local council.

When your son was a child, you probably managed his life, but now he's an adult he has to do it himself. He has to learn to prioritise and as someone with ADHD he will get it wrong - A LOT! You don't deserve to feel at fault though. These are his issues to deal with. All you can do is let him know dates and times and hope for the best. I made the mistake of constantly reminding DP about stuff (before I knew he had ADHD) and he came to expect it and depend on it. But that's an extra burden on me that I shouldn't have had. So set out your boundaries now that he's an adult and keep your expectations realistic. And don't accept the blame, because it's not your fault. I genuinely believe he's probably frustrated with himself and feels embarrassed and awkward, but that doesn't mean you should have to accept him trying to deflect the blame.

The reality is that Friends become a priority at that age. Adhd is another factor. He dossnt realise hes being so inconsiderate

Go for a lunchtime drink with his dad so its a more convenient time so he can still see his friends. Explain to him how disappointed his dad is

That's not how it works.

well son managed to go out with friends last night so the executive function worked ok tues but not monday it seems !

I understand your frustration, but I don't think it's a case of picking and choosing, with regards to executive function.
As I posted previoisly, my daughter has ADHD. She is NEVER late for university lectures, had an excellent school record, meets assignment deadlines etc.
I'm pretty sure part of that motivation is anxiety - she is terrified of failing and puts all her efforts into appearing to be like other students, fitting in etc. Another motivation is stimulation - she loves her subject and therefore gets a dopamine hit from engaging in it.
However, once her tank is empty from the effort it takes, she cant manage even pretty basic organisation, and if it's not something that interests her, e.g. washing up, answering emails, organizing her living space, it doesn't get done. She won't even be able to see any mess she's created.

I think it might really help you if you try not to take your son's behaviour personally. Yes, it's annoying that he messed up your arrangement for a night out, but if you can see it as unintentional, you might find it easier to manage next time.

A lot of living with someone with ADHD is about understanding their issues, accepting their shortcomings and trying to work positively with them to overcome some of those difficulties (without excusing rude or disrespectful behaviour).

I tried to fight it for years but it didn't solve anything and it had a negative impact on my relationship with my daughter (and husband, who is undiagnosed).
Once I learnt to step back and see their behaviours objectively, I found it much easier to empathise and then support.

yes agree but still don't think ADHD or anything like that is an excuse for being rude and selfish surely.........

Did you read my post? I stated clearly that it's not an excuse for rudeness.
I was replying to your suggestion that his executive function issues seem only to apply to arrangements with you and your DH.

There are 2 separate issues at play here - his inability to turn up on time (ADHD), and his rudeness in response to you picking him up about it ( not ADHD directly).
You may have to accept/ work with his time blindness, but you don't have to put up with his rudeness.

Did you read my post? I stated clearly that it's not an excuse for rudeness.
I was replying to your suggestion that his executive function issues seem only to apply to arrangements with you and your DH.

There are 2 separate issues at play here - his inability to turn up on time (ADHD), and his rudeness in response to you picking him up about it ( not ADHD directly).
You may have to accept/ work with his time blindness, but you don't have to put up with his rudeness.

He was rude, however whilst ADHD isn’t an ‘excuse’, part of the difficulty of executive functioning is the brain’s unwillingness to do something that is of no real interest to the person. Especially if the person has a PDA profile. Time management is also very difficult, time doesn’t work in the same sense to someone with ADHD as it does a neurotypical person. So him being rude and him being affected by his ADHD can both be part of this. It’s very frustrating and can see why you’re hurt but other than spelling it out for him, it simply his loss of family time.