Is my son's behaviour wrong??

[Busybee44]

My son early 20's came home for the weekend and has 2 extra days booked off (he works away all week) , he said Sat he'd booked mon and tues extra so he has his dad can go to the pub for a drink (we have been trying to arrange this for months, each time ds makes an excuse and doesnt go).
So we finally agree Monday is good, my husband has mobility issues and is struggling at the moment but as my son said yes, he was determined to go. So, at 7pm son says just finishing ps game, then have to go out in my car then plan was we go. By 8 he is still playing game, then goes out in the car We wait, we see him pull up at 9, so we all get ready, husband struggling but gets himself downstairs.
Son then says he is too tired and can we do tomorrow (bearing in mind he goes back today) , we said well we are all ready now, your dad's got himself sorted an d in the car etc. Son huffs and puffs and then says ok he'll walk down and join us soon. So we leave at 9pm (daugther comes too), we wait, we wait, i message ds at 10pm , no answer, call 10.15, no answer. BY 10.30 we decide to leave, the pub shuts at 11 and husband now struggling.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc
Now, even if he has arrived it would be 10.40 by then at least, the pub shuts at 11, he knows his dad struggles atm and we were waiting. My son makes me feel like i / we are in the wrong, he has done this before. We ended up in a big phone row and i had to hang up.

I've barely slept and feel like we are wrong, are we?? He makes me feel so confused. Just need some honest views on this x

I’m afraid I think your DS is being a selfish so and so, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If I was in your shoes, I think I’d try sitting down with DS and calmly explaining how his behaviour (attitude to family plans) affects you all. If he rages and gets in a huff, try not to rage back as it will then turn into a massive row (easier said than done I know). You mentioned he has ADHD but it’s still important for him to know that everyone else needs to organise their time and cannot always play to his tune. Is he managing to hold down a job ok? (E.g. get to work on time, complete tasks to deadlines, etc?) If so then it does suggest that he is capable of being organised, but chooses not to when it suits him, as perhaps he values your feelings/time less.

Edited post to add that yes, I think he is gaslighting you.

You need you have a serious chat with him, stop letting him bamboozle you with his shit, otherwise one day he will make a terrible partner

Thats the spirit OP 😁 look, you are not doing him any favours by pandering to him and trying to smooth things over. He needs to learn that when he behaves badly, he will feel guilty, ashamed, all the bad feelings. He can't manipulate his way out of those feelings. You mollycoddling him and trying to make everything OK just let's him think, hey, I can behave terribly, yet people will say sorry to me! This will not bode well for any future relationships he has. Can you imagine?

Edited to make more sense.

He is absolutely being selfish and his adhd is not an excuse. He was playing on a games console at the time you had arranged to go out. I would have left at 8 and said “we’re going to the pub now for the drink you said you wanted to have with your Dad, are you coming with us or meeting us there?”
When he didn’t turn up you should have told him you were disappointed that he didn’t keep to the plan and then shut him down when he tried to have a go at you. Have you always pussyfooted around him?

I wouldn’t arrange the coffee honestly - you know he won’t come, and then the atmosphere will be even worse. Have a chat over lunch at home, if he is staying with you. Something he can’t dodge.

All you can do is live your lives, make the plans you want and he the door open for him to join in if he wants.

This is a very sensible approach - it maintains your boundaries around how you feel it is acceptable to be treated, whilst letting him know that he is welcome to join you.

It will save angry recriminations and a build up of resentment, and allows you to enjoy the activity. If he comes along, lovely. If not, his loss, but no damage to your relationship.

There is tough love, and there is name calling.

Maintaining boundaries is important, name calling introduces more anger into a situation than is necessary in my view.

The more you can regulate your own behaviour, the better all round.

I'm not being holier than thou, I certainly lose my shit from time to time. Its just better when I dont.

Time for him to leave home, OP, and time for you and your husband to start developing a rewarding life without him. He sounds selfish and inconsiderate.

I know he's your lad and you love him, but you're allowed not to like his behaviour. If he's living away during the week, can he just live there at weekends too? Maybe when he realises what he's missing you can talk about how you expect him to show you some respect and courtesy. The people I know who have ADHD would all say that being ND doesn't excuse badd behaviour.

Yes of course he was wrong! How was he going to get a drink and even have time to drink it?! What planet is he on?! I wouldn't agree any more outings with him.

ADHD is not an excuse for this, not at his age. Just drop the rope completely. Leave him to it. Arrange nice things with your husband and daughter and just let him sort himself out.

Ok so we have a few days away booked in the summer, our daughter will come and we will give him the dates and leave it up to him if he comes or not?

Today i will work at home and then if i pop out later and he wants to join me before he goes back he can, but i am not going out of my way to faciliate him.

It is @Duckduckgoes a common trait for people with ADHD to be more sensitive to criticism, hence the increased likelihood of reacting in a defensive manner. Also I find the catch all term of 'unattractive' for what is human, albeit negative, behaviour very strange.

Yep your son is an arsehole.

That sounds absolutely perfect. You are getting on with your plans. Your son knows he is included and if he doesn't show up that's his problem. You still get to enjoy your holiday😊

ADHD is not a reason for this behaviour in an adult, it is just a poor excuse.
He has behaved abysmally. Do not make excuses for him. Send him the original post as a text and see how he responds. It is NOT OK.

This.

Absolutely. Stop running around after him. He can come or not, up to him, but don't mollycoddle him.

If you pop out just a breezy 'going to call for a coffee if you want to join? Setting off in 10' then go! If he is used to keeping you hanging on for him then this might be a little jolt he needs.

Only read OPs posts so I'm sure someone else will have mentioned this.

@Busybee44 look up DARVO as it will explain why you feel so unsettled and gaslit. Unfortunately it is something abusive men usually do to their partners. Please also look up emotional/mental abuse signs as I suspect he's also doing that to either you or his father.

Personally if he keeps doing this I wouldn't let him come home anymore, you need to protect yourself, his disabled father and your daughter. You all matter more.

he just doesn’t see you as a priority and thinks he can get away with dicking you guys about.

Stand firm, his behaviour is not ok. He either needs to make more effort or you all stop waiting around for him. Have a limit for how long you’ll wait then leave.

I hope your DH improves, just stick to plans with your DH and DD and give your DS the option but don’t wait about for him.

ADHD does not make him into a rude entitled arsehole who blames his family and has no care for them. It does not stop people being loving towards their close ones. I’d never tolerate behaviour like that-please don’t try to placate him-look after your own health and well being instead of making it worse by sucking up to your son. You have enough to cope with with an ill dh-lay down some ground rules for your son and don’t try to please him all the time. Don’t accept it when he whines about how awful you are. So sad to read this.

Your son is a selfish cunt.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc

Of course he wasn’t just about to leave; he’s deflecting. He couldn’t have seen his friends cos he was on his computer all evening. He sounds like an overgrown teenager- totally flaky. I doubt I’d take him at his word again!