Is my son's behaviour wrong??

[Busybee44]

My son early 20's came home for the weekend and has 2 extra days booked off (he works away all week) , he said Sat he'd booked mon and tues extra so he has his dad can go to the pub for a drink (we have been trying to arrange this for months, each time ds makes an excuse and doesnt go).
So we finally agree Monday is good, my husband has mobility issues and is struggling at the moment but as my son said yes, he was determined to go. So, at 7pm son says just finishing ps game, then have to go out in my car then plan was we go. By 8 he is still playing game, then goes out in the car We wait, we see him pull up at 9, so we all get ready, husband struggling but gets himself downstairs.
Son then says he is too tired and can we do tomorrow (bearing in mind he goes back today) , we said well we are all ready now, your dad's got himself sorted an d in the car etc. Son huffs and puffs and then says ok he'll walk down and join us soon. So we leave at 9pm (daugther comes too), we wait, we wait, i message ds at 10pm , no answer, call 10.15, no answer. BY 10.30 we decide to leave, the pub shuts at 11 and husband now struggling.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc
Now, even if he has arrived it would be 10.40 by then at least, the pub shuts at 11, he knows his dad struggles atm and we were waiting. My son makes me feel like i / we are in the wrong, he has done this before. We ended up in a big phone row and i had to hang up.

I've barely slept and feel like we are wrong, are we?? He makes me feel so confused. Just need some honest views on this x

Is he medicated for the ADHD?

Is he struggling with his Dad’s illness/disability?

It's not an excuse, and he will need to take responsibility for managing these situations, but I do think it sounds like he wants to visit with you all, and go to the pub with his dad, but struggles to move from one activity to another - computer games are notoriously difficult to stop playing. Time blindness and procrastination are very classic ADHD struggles.

Additionally, ADHD sufferers can be around 30% less mature than their peers, and it takes until approx 25 before anyone's brain finishes developing.

Everyone will tell you how awful he is, and to punish him, but my understanding is that what you have described very much fits an ADHD diagnosis. He's not a dick, or vile, or spoilt.

One of the hardest things I've found about parenting two ADHDers is how hurtful their behaviours can be. But loving them and trying to understand them pays dividends for me and for them in terms of better relationships.

It's not being soft, it takes a lot of mental gymnastics to support some aspects of neurodivergence.

I hope you all get that lovely time together one day soon xxx

Your son is a selfish arsehole. ADHD does not excuse this sort of behaviour.

That is so very wrong.

For those calling OPs son nasty names, do you realise how childish you sound?

OP has asked for advice about her son who has a diagnosed Neurodevelopmental condition, if it was straightforward she wouldn't be on here asking.

It's a disability that can cause behavioural problems that are not palatable, and won't be cured by name calling.

OP has asked for advice about her son who has a diagnosed Neurodevelopmental condition, if it was straightforward she wouldn't be on here asking.

I have diagnosed ASD and I called him a dickhead.

ASD is no more excuse for dickish behaviour than ADHD. You don't speak for all neurodivergent people. You can have ASD and still be ignorant.

They're wasn't really any executive function for him to have to work out here. The rest of the family were ready to go. The only function needed from him was to switch off his game.

If he'd had to plan and organise the evening, then his ADHD could be blamed. But he didn't. No excuse.

What are you confused about? Your DS has been rude, entitled and inconsiderate. When he tries to make arrangements again, just tell him you’re busy! Does he rely on you for money at all?

I would tell him that you are never going to wait for him again. That he must surely know how you and your DH feel about being less important than his stupid bloody computer game. He should be informed that you will no longer be remotely grateful when he “graciously” announces that he is going to take time off and donate his “extremely valuable time” to his father because you will simply not believe him.

ASD is no more excuse for dickish behaviour than ADHD. You don't speak for all

I know it's not, that's why I said he's a dickhead.

You’re right - having an ADHD diagnosis is not an excuse for dickish behaviour.

If he (or you) are using ADHD as an excuse, then my question would be does he turn up for other activities? Does he manage to work? Does he meet friends? If he arranges a date with a pretty woman does he show up? If yes, then it's clear that he just isn't prioritising dad and couldn't care less.

In fact, while ADHD means time management is an extra challenge (but possible with strategies in place), nothing in the diagnosis excuses your son for getting angry and blaming others.

Just consider all the threads from women describing similar behaviour from boyfriends/husbands. Would any of us say oh well, if he's got ADHD then it's perfectly fine if he screams at you??

And yet he manages to put down his games console to meet up with his friends.
He’s behaving like many 20 year olds - selfish, thoughtless and unkind.

Of course you’re not in the wrong. As if he was going to come at 10.40, and why didn’t he come before? He never intended to come

There was, whether you see it or not.

Switching off a game can be very hard for an ADHD sufferers.

Getting distracted from getting ready and out of the door can be incredibly hard for an ADHD sufferer.

These are reasons why it is a disability.

He HAD managed to book time off work, got home, and wanted to go out with them. But didn't manage to switch the game off. If he didn't want to spend time with them it would have been easier to not come home or book time off work.

He has reacted with frustration because he has been unable to do the thing.

ADHD wouldn't be a diagnosable disability if it didn't cause inability to do normal things that impact the sufferer and those around them.

It isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, and he will need to find ways to manage if he is to have good relationships in his life.

Well, you're the one name calling.

The OP is understandably very hurt by her son's behaviour. I don't think calling her some a dickhead is going to help.

No-one said that it is perfectly fine for him to behave in this way. He is responsible for his behaviour and how it impacts others.

But if everyone who struggles with neurodivergent conditions was supported in finding tools to manage better, rather than writing them off as dickheads, I can't see how that wouldn't help everyone.

This is a young man who's life, and the lives of those he has relationships with, could be improved if he can find ways to manage life better.

In my experience, calling someone nasty names doesn't help.

Well, you're the one name calling

As are about 90% of the other posters on this thread so don't single me out.

When I read your first post I thought ADHD so I’m not surprised you say he’s diagnosed and yes it manifests just like this.

thanks, despite wanting to ignore him i am going to offer if he wants to go for a coffee later before he goes back, just me and him. i have re arranged my plans to work at home today to offer that, as i dont want to continue the bad feeling in the air.

Apologies. You're one of the ones name calling, not the only one.

As others have pointed out he managed to put the game console down to go and meet friends so I do think it needs to be made clear how hurtful his behaviour is

No he didnt meet friends, he said he 'could' have met friends as we waited till 10.30 the left the pub!

He sounds like a 12 year old. Op you’ve created a monster by pandering to him.