Is my son's behaviour wrong??

[Busybee44]

My son early 20's came home for the weekend and has 2 extra days booked off (he works away all week) , he said Sat he'd booked mon and tues extra so he has his dad can go to the pub for a drink (we have been trying to arrange this for months, each time ds makes an excuse and doesnt go).
So we finally agree Monday is good, my husband has mobility issues and is struggling at the moment but as my son said yes, he was determined to go. So, at 7pm son says just finishing ps game, then have to go out in my car then plan was we go. By 8 he is still playing game, then goes out in the car We wait, we see him pull up at 9, so we all get ready, husband struggling but gets himself downstairs.
Son then says he is too tired and can we do tomorrow (bearing in mind he goes back today) , we said well we are all ready now, your dad's got himself sorted an d in the car etc. Son huffs and puffs and then says ok he'll walk down and join us soon. So we leave at 9pm (daugther comes too), we wait, we wait, i message ds at 10pm , no answer, call 10.15, no answer. BY 10.30 we decide to leave, the pub shuts at 11 and husband now struggling.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc
Now, even if he has arrived it would be 10.40 by then at least, the pub shuts at 11, he knows his dad struggles atm and we were waiting. My son makes me feel like i / we are in the wrong, he has done this before. We ended up in a big phone row and i had to hang up.

I've barely slept and feel like we are wrong, are we?? He makes me feel so confused. Just need some honest views on this x

If at 20yrs old he’s unable to identify himself as an arse, things are not looking good for him.

@DelilahsHaven but the op has said that she has tried to give him tools and discuss strategies with him and he's ignored her.
I actually think calling someone a dickhead can be helpful. It can remind people that yes, someone can be e.g. a cancer patient on deaths door and yet still be behaving appallingly.
Sometimes people need to have more sympathy, but in ops situation I would argue that she needs to feel less. Tough love might be kinder in the long run.

is it just dickish behaviour, or this is a form of gaslighting etc? it certainly resonates x

I have ADHD. That is not an excuse. I hate hate HATE how it’s always abused as a get-out for shitty behaviour.

He is selfish. Pure and simple.

Stop fucking pandering to him. Your ridiculous doormat response to this appalling behaviour is why he keeps doing it.

It doesn’t matter what the name of the behaviour is. Get angry!

I saw your post on WIWIKAU teens, OP. The answers on here are much more honest and direct (probably because of the anonymity factor).
There is no excuse for his terrible behaviour.
I really feel for you and your husband 💐

The ADHD is certainly the driving force behind his inability to tear himself away from his game, his poor time management and lack of prioritisation. I think that when you know someone has ADHD, sadly you may have to be prepared to be let down - again and again and again. I'm not saying everyone with ADHD is the same. Not at all. But everyone is a different mix of traits combined with unique personalities. The person may be full of good intentions and upbeat and excited about plans, but then they get distracted or become disinterested because something in the moment is more pressing. And if you pull them up on their failure to show up etc, they get defensive. Do I sound as if I'm talking from experience?! It is shit for you though. I have lowered my expectations when it comes to DP. I'm almost certain I have ADHD myself and it can actually make me LESS understanding of DP, rather than more - because I can see myself writing large and I don't like it.

Oh Fgs if he has a job I'm certain he gets there on time so stop using adhd as an excuse. His reaction tells you everything. He's just selfish and think the world revolves around him.

So if it's adhd, what stopped him from answering texts and calls from the op???

*writ not writing🙄

Your son is certainly showing a worrying level of contempt for you and your husband. Teenagers get stroppy etc but would normally calm down enough to admit some fault and show some remorse for hurting their loved ones.
He is 20 years old and from the sounds of things is trying to make everything out to be your fault, which sounds like gaslighting, yes.

Came here to say this.

He has a job, he manages to keep a job which means getting there on time.
He manages to meet friends, which means he knows or has the ability to put in place things to manage his time.

He didn't manage his time with this meeting - he chose to stay playing his game vs going to meet his father.

Some clear boundaries that make it clear that his actions have consequences, his actions this time have shown you that you're not his priority. The next meeting he arranges, i'd go to the pub, if he doesn't turn up i'm not pestering him, if he doesn't turn up then i don't arrange another meeting. He knows how to turn up on time - he does it for work; he can do it for dad if he wants to.

I agree with this. OP stop making plans with him, he’s let you down more than once and caused your husband to struggle. It’s selfish behaviour.

Apologies I misread. Where did he go between 8pm and 9pm ?

Still I think it needs to be made clear to him that his behaviour was hurtful and rude

This is completely an ADHD thing. But I have set rules for the people with ADHD in my life, I carry on with what I'm doing and leave them behind if they are pissing about. I have a limit of 15 min wait now. Once my loved one was supposed to be driving me to London and sat there all day before saying shall we go tomorrow instead?! I had forfeited a train ticket because they offered me a lift.

I would actually be furious with him for putting your dh through that knowing his struggles. He's most definitely gas lighting you.

Adhd might be the reason (i have no idea as no exeperience) but it doesn't excuse the hurt his action caused. Why was his reaction that you have all wasted his time rather than sorry I didnt follow through on the plan I suggested even though dad finds it difficult and you all made an effort.

It is gas lighting for him to pretend you have all wasted his time rather than other way round. He is young and it can be a selfish age but he cant seriously think you, dh or dd are in anyway at fault. Dont let him huff his wait out of acknowledging his poor behaviour (even if adhd does make it harder for him).

Respectfully, I think you're trying to rationalise away some inexcusable behaviour from your DH. Yes, we can all miss deadlines or let someone down, adhd or no adhd. But the key thing is to apologise and mean it! Getting defensive is not a neurodivergent trait, it's an unattractive personality trait.

I hope that you are not meeting up just to smooth his feathers? He has behaved very badly yet you are asking if you are unreasonable. I think that you shouldn't let him think that his behaviour is in any way acceptable. That's if he decides to grace you with his company this morning.

Why have you done this? Are you going to explain to him how badly he behaved, how much he let his father down and that you expect more OR are you going to desperately try and pacify him? If it's the second one then you have your answer as to why he behaves like this. He does it because he can. He can behave as selfishly as he likes and mum, at least, will pander to him.

i dont know, now im thinking i may just go to the office after all !

Your sons behaviour is completely unaccountable

Unacceptable I mean

Yep - whether it is due to the ADHD or not, he obviously can’t organise himself to get to family events, so just do them without him (still invite him, but don’t wait until he turn up to do them, just go ahead and tell him he can join you whenever he is ready).

So the pub - go to the pub when you planned to, come home when you want to, if he shows up that’s great, if he doesn’t that is his problem, he knows where you are if he wants to show up.

That is a consequence of his actions, not a punishment.

It would be worth going for a coffee with him if you are going to let him know that he behaved in a selfish way, that his father did something that caused him physical pain to do something that he himself suggested and that you don't appreciate being blamed for his actions.
I dont think you would do that though so best to leave it. I get the feeling he has you tying yourself in knots alot so work on that.

yes i am tying myself in knots and get really on edge and nervous?? I know i need to do what i want to do and sod him