Is my son's behaviour wrong??

[Busybee44]

My son early 20's came home for the weekend and has 2 extra days booked off (he works away all week) , he said Sat he'd booked mon and tues extra so he has his dad can go to the pub for a drink (we have been trying to arrange this for months, each time ds makes an excuse and doesnt go).
So we finally agree Monday is good, my husband has mobility issues and is struggling at the moment but as my son said yes, he was determined to go. So, at 7pm son says just finishing ps game, then have to go out in my car then plan was we go. By 8 he is still playing game, then goes out in the car We wait, we see him pull up at 9, so we all get ready, husband struggling but gets himself downstairs.
Son then says he is too tired and can we do tomorrow (bearing in mind he goes back today) , we said well we are all ready now, your dad's got himself sorted an d in the car etc. Son huffs and puffs and then says ok he'll walk down and join us soon. So we leave at 9pm (daugther comes too), we wait, we wait, i message ds at 10pm , no answer, call 10.15, no answer. BY 10.30 we decide to leave, the pub shuts at 11 and husband now struggling.

I message at 10.35 to say heading home, to which we then get a bombardment of calls and messages saying he was just about to leave to come, how the whole reason he booked the time off was to do this, how he could have seen his friends , we've wasted his time etc etc
Now, even if he has arrived it would be 10.40 by then at least, the pub shuts at 11, he knows his dad struggles atm and we were waiting. My son makes me feel like i / we are in the wrong, he has done this before. We ended up in a big phone row and i had to hang up.

I've barely slept and feel like we are wrong, are we?? He makes me feel so confused. Just need some honest views on this x

Very wrong.

Oh, I feel so sorry for you, OP, and especially for his Dad.

My first thought was that your son is a twat.

However, thinking some more, I think he might have low self-esteem if he is letting everyone down frequently. It would explain why he became so defensive and blamed all of you instead of himself for his awful behaviour. He knows what he is doing, but if he feels he can't help himself, he probably feels terrible but can't admit that to himself.

I wonder if he is getting any outside support for his ADHD? Maybe therapy or something to help rebuild his self-esteem? And strategies for coping.

None of this means the way he has treated you is ok. Just trying to find a way through it.

By the way, I disagree with the poster who said that you matter more than him. You are all equally important.

And to those who are saying that he manages to hold down a job and meet up with his friends, you would be surprised at how long someone can keep a job and keep friends when you are frequently late, so it's not necessarily the case that he is on time for work and for friend meet-ups. Maybe he is on time for those though, I don't know.

Anyway, I just wanted to give another perspective. Hope it's helpful and I wish you the best of luck, OP x

Excellent post!

Thanks, he is recently medicated for ADHD and told me a few days ago how he feels much better and more organised. He has acted this way before and i am trying to understand but just so hurt .

1% have voted YABU… why?!

yes that is weird, !!!

Altho I totally agree with you that you're in the right here....absolutely pointless in him joining you gor the last half hour etc.....what I do think also is he's young and probably didn't really want to donit in the first place but felt like he had to. He's much rather play the ps or see friends which at his age is completely normal. My parents wouldn't have got 5min of my time at the age. Maybe just not ask him again and crack on with your lives with your daughter until he eventually matures to the point he actually wants to spend time with you all

yes i did wonder that but we havent mentioned going out for ages, and the first thing he said to me saturday was he'd booked 2 extra days off so he could do this pub trip with dad, so i am very confused!!!!

Does having ADHD mean that you are incapable of offering a sincere apology? Op's son was thoughtless and unkind, and has yet to show any sign of acknowledging he was at fault. That is not a symptom of ADHD and frankly is insulting to all the adhd people who somehow, magically, manage to say sorry occasionally and generally be decent human beings.

I used the term unattractive because to me it is. I would never be able to date someone who refuses to ever admit fault even days after the fact. Clearly the PP feels otherwise and is prepared to put up with it from her DH .

My daughter is 20 and has ADHD, and she sometimes behaves in a similar way.
She has time blindness, so we'll all be waiting for her and she doesn't understand when it's then too late to do the thing she wanted to do.
It really upsets and frustrates her - she doesn't want to be like that.

However, she is having to learn not to lash out at everyone else for her shortcomings, which I'd suggest is the biggest issue with your DS, OP.
if you accept that his ADHD may be the reason he messed up your arrangement, that's one thung, but I definitely wouldn't accept his reaction to you calling him out on it, and him trying to suggest that he's the wronged party.
As has been said, ADHD might be the reason but it's not an excuse for rude, disrespectful behaviour.

You probably need to try and be as calm as possible if he gets defensive and angry. Eg. "we agreed to meet for coffee at 11. Sorry you couldn't make it. We'll let you know when we're next planning it,". No point getting into an argument if you can avoid it.

Both. ADHD does not prevent a person from feeling sad they have hurt someone or let them down. He is quite upfront that he is inconsiderate—like making you wait when you are doing him a favor. ADHD snd time blindness doesn’t explain or excuse that.

Also I find the catch all term of 'unattractive' for what is human, albeit negative, behaviour very strange.

Are you associating the word 'unattractive' only with the way people look?
OP's son's behaviour is rude and inconsiderate and that kind of behaviour repels people. To attract people he'd need to be considerate and thoughtful and a pleasure to be with. The use of the word 'unattractive' is absolutely correct in this context and more polite than calling him an oaf or selfish. It's actually quite restrained.

Humans have evolved to find certain behaviours attractive and other repellant for good reasons. The way people behave is often a useful indicator of what they are like.

Are you arguing that all human behaviour is acceptable because we're human? What about murder, rape, prejudice, violence, expressions of hatred? Would you baulk if those behaviours were described as unattractive? If so, I would love to know why.

Does having ADHD mean that you are incapable of offering a sincere apology?

I would really love it @Duckduckgoes if you could point out where I said that? Also 'adhd people' - seriously?

Um, the poster was referring to my DP. Are you?

I didn't say you said that, that's why I had a question mark at the end. If your answer is yes, then I would argue that that is insulting to people with ADHD (better?). If your answer is no, then I go back to the fact that the son's gaslighting behaviour has nothing to do with ADHD and is actually just a sign of selfishness.
Edited to add: that applies to my view of your DP as well. I just have a short snapshot from what you said, but you wrote he reacts defensively and don't mention him ever apologising.

I think many people here think they know what ADHD involves or can involve.

However, the lack of awareness about emotional dysregulation, and often rejection sensitivity disorder, going hand in hand with ADHD, shows they don’t.

But of course every man and his dog loves to pile on the ADHD person, so get at it!! Don’t let ignorance stop you, crack on!!! 😐

@Busybee44 your time is just as valuable as his. I wouldn’t bother again, but if you want to try again you need to stick to the agreed time, even if you go without him again and it doesn’t happen. When he moans how he could do X and Y you are within your rights to say ‘we could have done A and B while we were waiting for you - our time is valuable too’.

thanks . its heartbreaking isnt it, you have your beautiful baby and do the best you can bringing them up, then one day they do stuff like this and its so hurtful, makes you think why did i have kids my life would be simpler without .

I'm sorry, op, it must be really difficult. I do think there's hope that things will improve - a 20 year old's personality isn't fixed. Put clear boundaries in place and things might get easier. Wishing you all the best.

It is, and your feelings are very valid. But, gently, this isn't about you and your worth as a parent, or the picture you might have in your mind of how things should be.

It sounds like your son is doing extremely well despite his disability. He is living independently, in employment, and wants to come home and see his family.

For many 20 year old without a disability, this is good. With his disorder it is brilliant! Your parenting will have helped him to do this.

I don't know what age your son was diagnosed, but he has had to come to terms with being diagnosed with a lifelong condition that will hinder him in many varied, subtle and not so subtle ways, for life. That is a big deal. He's learning to manage life as an adult, but is still very young.

Look at some of the nastiness on this thread, born out of ignorance. This is what he is probably all too aware of being up against.

You know he has a this disability, you saw enough of how it affects him to pursue a private diagnosis for him, you know he is helping himself with medication.

Don't write him off at twenty years old, he IS your beautiful child, with all his quirks that make him his unique self. His disability is unfortunate, and like your DH's disability, it just is what it is, and is not a punishment for you.

thanks, so i should be understanding of his behaviour last night i guess , its hard .

he's 23 btw

You can be understanding AND feel upset, it doesn't make how you all felt magically disappear. You feelings are absolutely valid.

But being understanding of how his condition may have contributed to his behaviour may make it easier to avoid a repeat of the situation (eg still going out yourselves, inviting him but with the understanding that he may not make it, enjoying the time he spends wirh you at home etc), and help you to feel more able to accept and love your DS despite his behaviour.

I get that but the thing is he wanted to do this, he said that's why he booked the time off, we would have just stayed home!