To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

[2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3]

I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

Maybe ask her parents that? It’s not the OP’s problem what her SD’s mum or dad did for her birthday, she’s treating her daughter alone. It’s simply not a comparable situation and the OP’s daughter shouldn’t miss out on a trip because someone else daughter didn’t get the same for hers.

To those of you saying DH should take DSD on a similar trip... why?

It's clearly a mother daughter & a close friend trip. They might even do stuff that DSD isn't particularly interested in - so she could potentially spoil the trip.

I don't think it's got anything to do with DSD or her mum.

When it comes to blended families, sometimes you just can't treat each child exactly the same. That's a life lesson to learn.

It's pretty poor for her to see her sister being treated better.

She's not her sister, she's a step sister. Even sisters sometimes get different things, especially for birthdays. The mother had no right to call and whinge at the OP about her, the OP's, daughter's birthday present!
The MN mantra regarding step children seems to be that where treats are concerned the step parent has to treat all children equally, however the step parent is not allowed to discipline all the children equally.

She's a half-sister not step-sister

shes a half sister which is quite different to being a step sister in terms of place in the family.

It would completely change the nature of the trip taking a 15 year old instead of 2 11 year old. A few years ago my younger two were 11 and 15 and it was quite difficult finding things they both enjoyed. Teenaged girls can be hard going sometimes ( I've had 3). Enjoy your trip.

I agree you don't need to take DSD, but I'd still be aware of her hurt feelings, she may not have felt comfortable asking herself and has spoken to her mum about it, therefore it might not be something to tread lightly with. She may have hurt feelings which you can discuss and allay any fears of exclusion.

In addition to holidays with her mother I assume. When I was teaching children from divorced parents would often say that Parent A was giving them this so they've told Parent B that they have to do something similar. They also took a forensic interest in what their step siblings were getting, demanding the same! I know it can be difficult for them but some did very well out of the situation, twice as many holidays for example.

I think it depends on the family dynamic, it’s not so much the father ‘making up for the actions of the step mother’ but just making sure both his daughters feel valued.

OP is not being unreasonable in the slightest, but all children should be able to have one on one time with their parents without the others feeling left out.

you don’t know what the DSD home life is like, whether she has new siblings or what her relationship with her mum is like, if her mum doesn’t prioritise her now and again the father should 100% make time for that, but a lot of the time in blended families step children don’t get one on one time anymore, they are just expected to fall in line with the priorities of the step families, and I think them seeing step siblings getting that when they don’t is something that should be addressed personally, but that would be down to her dad.

Not unreasonable at all.
You’re taking your own daughter and her friend on a Birthday trip that neither her younger sibling or Dad are going on.
seems crazy DSC mum thinks you should take her too when her own Dad isn’t going ?
also a fifteen year old would not want to spend time with two eleven year olds surely ?
It would be different and you were all going and leaving her out but it’s not the case.

Its a birthday treat for your daughter.

She was given the option to choose someone to come with her, she's chosen a friend.

If it was your SD's birthday and she was offered the same and chose one of her friends would mum be moaning that step sister wasn't invited?

This is a birthday treat. As long as similar budgets are offered to all children for birthday treats then thats the top and bottom of it.

Yes she’s a half sister as they share the same father.

Still, even as half sisters it still doesn’t mean they should be joined at the hip. Even OP’s DD’s full sibling (her brother) isn’t going on the trip. Because this trip isn’t about including everyone in the family. It’s about OP’s dd having a nice time with her mum and her friend while both siblings stay at home with their dad.

Of course it’s unfair. It’s irrelevant to your post what happens with your son because your post is about your step daughter. Your son is also younger (what age?) so hasn’t missed out on an 11th birthday trip yet.

I said that all the children should get similar over time, these kids are siblings and not step siblings as some have presumed even though it was clear in your post

OP is not being unreasonable in the slightest, but all children should be able to have one on one time with their parents without the others feeling left out.

And that’s fine, but the father therefore needs to make time for his younger daughter and also his son too. He has 3 children to make quality time for, not just his eldest and not just his eldest as a reaction to this trip.

As your step daughter is nearly 16, @2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3, maybe your dh and her mum could organise something special for her 16th - it is a bit of a milestone birthday, I think.

If you talk to your dh about this before you talk to your sd, and you can say to her "The trip to Rome is Mabel's birthday treat, so she gets to choose who goes with her, but your dad and I have been talking about your upcoming 16th, and would like to organise something special for that - maybe a similar trip."

Hopefully a nearly 16-year-old will be able to appreciate the sense of what you are saying and will see that she hasn't been forgotten. And nearly 16 is perfectly old enough to understand delayed gratification.

It sounds absolutely fine. I regularly take one of my children away and not the other. And to be fair, this isn't even your child! I think it would be different if it was dh taking both of your dc together away and leaving out his dd. But I'd turn it over to your dh and dsd's mum to work out a time between them when dh could take his dd away for her birthday.

Why is it just you paying for the trip and not her dad contributing at all. Of course the step sister shouldn’t go. You don’t take on financial responsibility for someone else’s kids. She has two parents already to provide for her, if they want her to go on holiday they can take her and pay for it!!!!

The world has gone crazy, a mother can take her daughter away for her birthday 🙄

Sorry wrote it wrong

@paintingvenice , she's not a step-sister, she's a half-sister.
Both girls have the same father.

With respect, it's not OP's job to facilitate this - why can't her mother and father do that?

It is. All the adults decided to blend families. All the adults need to make sure all the children are treated fairly.

This isn't relevant to the op after the drip feed but the general point still stands.

But the SD has already had trips to France, Spain & America with HER mother as well as an upcoming holiday to Greece with her too. And OPs kids weren't invited, nor should they be.

Why can't OP's daughter have ONE trip with own mother without SD complaining? Seems that the SD has already had far more!

They aren't full siblings they are half siblings. My half sibs and I have had vastly different experiences growing up. That's life I'm afraid and we're all understanding.

We've all both got two parents.

Seems like SD is expecting to be spoiled with separate holidays by all three adults.

She gets mother daughter time without OPs kids there.

Ops daughter is every bit entitled to the same.

For those querying the DC getting gifts on each others birthdays my DDs are 24 & 22 and my in-laws still get them gifts on each others birthdays - they did it for ex-H & his sister too.

It drove me nuts at first but I decided long ago it wasn't the hill I wanted to die on but it's definitely a thing in some families.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 , she's a half-sister. A step-sister would have two parents that were not shared with her step-sibling.

Prince William has two step-siblings, Tom and Laura. No shared parents, but PW's DF is married to their DM.

Wilf Johnson has lots of half siblings and 2 full siblings