To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

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I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

Maybe ask the ex if she is planning to take your two dc to Greece this year 🤣

So presumably your 11yr old tagged on along with the DSD & her mother on those Mother/Daughter trips as well...

I think the ex is just being grabby & using it to wind up her daughter.

My advice would be for your DH to say to his ex that this is a birthday present being paid for by you for DD11 and he has nothing to do with it so no further conversation will be had about it.

DSD can go on trips that her father and mother arrange, this is not one of those trips.

I'd also be paying a lot more attention to what DSD gets up to when she is with her mother and make equally outrageous requests of her to bring your DD on trips that they are planning. They may only attempt it once but hopefully once is all it would take to nip it in the bud.

No, that was a wtf to me too!

I can't believe her mum actually rang to demand this. I will say it for the millionth time. No one else on planet earth gets to have a say on what you do, how much you spend blah blah blah on your own child. I cannot believe I have said that more than once! Your DD wants to take a friend on her birthday trip. Your DS is also not going 🤦‍♀️
I am assuming you wouldn't have a problem with your DH taking DSD on a similar trip with a friend. Good good, there's some entitled people out there.
I would never have the audacity to ring anyone to demand they spent anything on my child.

DSD's mum is a cheeky fucker.

None of her business.

It's not a family holiday. Your DS isn't throwing a strop he's not going. DSD could choose to go away for her birthday with her dad. In a few years she'll be able to go abroad on her own anyway. My DN went to Rome with her friends at 17 for her birthday.

Another one confused why other siblings (or step siblings) would get a present on the birthday child's birthday?!

Thanks everyone.

Iv decided to ignore DSDs mum and il speak to dsd 1:1 when she comes around. She’s nearly 16 so really no need for her mother to be texting at all anymore!

IF your husband was going id say you guys were actually horrible human beings BUT seeing as he isnt, then its literally just your DDs birthday treat and obviously she will take who she wants too.

I think it’s a joke.

This is OPs DDs birthday present and SD wants to partake in it. It’s like her getting a present as well.

This sounds like a lovely trip and no obligation to include your stepdaughter. Assume there are other trips she takes with your family?
It's none of her mothers business.

Given that your husband isn't going on the trip, YANBU not to take DSD with you.

I do think your husband should probably try and do something similar, without you and your DD, with DSD for her birthday though.

I think I might raise this as a point with your DH to maybe speak to his ex-wife about her stirring the pot in future. It's really not fair if she's putting her nose in and making her DD be envious about things like this.

That's a given, obviously, depending on finances.

Doh, that went right over my head - I'm usually much quicker than that!

This is crazy. It's a birthday treat for DD and one extra invitee, of course she doesn't need to invite DSD rather than her best mate. A four year age gap is pretty big at that age, and I can imagine the trip might be dominated (or at the very least significantly changed) by DSD being there.

Did DSD and her DM kick off when DSD wasn't included in pass the parcel and musical chairs at parties when the younger two were little?! Or as @Nanny0gg says, did DSD always get a present on the others' birthdays, and if so were they the exact same as the others got? I didn't see your DS's age OP but I can just imagine how much DSD would have appreciated a kiddy colouring book or something as a tween/teen 😅

DSD's birthday treat is a separate issue and doesn't even need to be discussed right now. And when it is, that should primarily be a discussion between her actual parents.

To me it sounds like more a case of her DM is prepping her DD to be envious about these things and dripping poison in her ear about her step-mum and step-sister. Which is completely unnecessary and pathetic behaviour.

People on here can be so contrary and downright ridiculous at times.

If it was the SD mum on here posting that her ex's wife expected her to take her daughter on a mum/daughter birthday trip, the current wife would be getting called a CF.

It's not a family holiday, the OP has every right to spend her own money on her children however she wants. The SD's mum can do the same with her. Additionally a 4 year age gap at that age is huge, and changes the whole dynamic. If it's a family holiday you roll with that, not when it's a specific birthday treat.

I do think your husband should probably try and do something similar, without you and your DD, with DSD for her birthday though.

Why? This is nothing to do with the DH.
OP is taking her DD. DSD has her holidays with her own DM.

The one not getting a holiday is OP's DS.

That would be a very long text! I can't help feeling that 'butt out' would be shorter and more to the point.

Yanbu. Your DD wants her friend there which is understandable! Kids do tend to want to spend time with their friends over their siblings! They will have an amazing time and what fabulous memories to look back on together.

And her wishes trump everyone who wants DSD to go. It’s her birthday and she has her own mind. She should be able to make a decision which is right for her instead of being a people
pleaser.

DSD’s mother is a CF trying to alter your daughter’s birthday. Why should your daughter compromise her happiness to protect dsd’s mum’s wounded feelings?

And dsd doesn’t even need to be hurt either. She will only be hurt if the adults plant it in to her head to be hurt. Her father isn’t going, and her sister is going away with her mum and friend. Nothing unfair about it. Dsd’s mum can be booking her own trip for dsd and one of dsd’s friends and then dsd gets a trip too if she her mum feels so strongly about it.

Her mum doesn’t get to trample all over your DD’s birthday trip and you should make that clear to her. Tell her to fuck off.

Ask ex if her daughter will be giving 50% of her birthday presents to her half-siblings?

I do think your husband should probably try and do something similar, without you and your DD, with DSD for her birthday though.

No, the equivalent would be for DSD’s mum to do something similar with dsd. Not her dad.

The OP’s husband is father to both girls so he owes it to both of them to treat them to a trip if he’s going to book something.

I never understand this need for the father to “make up for” the stepmum taking her child somewhere. It doesn’t make any sense. Yes they are both his children, but they’re not both hers. There is nothing to make up for.

I’m normally straight on to step parents as a lot of them as so short sighted as to how their actions affect others.

But I’d say the situation you’ve described is perfectly fine, and you’d literally be inviting you DSD ‘for the sake of it’ rather than because it’s what anyone wants, if DSD was your older daughter it would still be the same, it’s up to DD to choose who she wants to go with as it’s a treat specifically for her.

if there’s a larger pattern of you purposely doing things without your DSD or your DSD feeling like she isn’t part of the family, then it’s something to look at in general. The fact that she’s gone back to her mum and told her she doesn’t feel included could be symptomatic of a larger pattern of her feeling that way because I would expect a near 16 year old to understand that this is a mum/daughter trip, not a family trip for everyone. Just some food for thought.