To bring DD friend away instead of DSD

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I’m taking DD11 away in a few months time to Rome for a long weekend. This is a birthday treat for her.

My husband (her dad) will be staying at home with our youngest.

DD asked if a friend could come and after searching for some deals I said she could. This is now booked for me, dd & her friend.

The problem that’s occurred recently is my DSD15 has recently found out I’m taking DD to Rome and has made noises about it being unfair that she’s not coming. DSDs mum has messaged tonight to ask why is DD friend is coming instead of DSD.

Am I being unreasonable taking DD friend? As it’s what my DD wants.

Just incase it gets asked. I paid for this trip out of my own wages, my OH has not paid for it.

You say ‘if you are treating the children vastly differently then it’s unfair’

Then you go on to say what I do with my son is irrelevant.

Im guessing my son also needs a birthday trip abroad as my son is not irrelevant in this situation at all.

If I’m willing to leave our son behind with his dad then I’m also willing to leave DSD behind.

The 15 year old feels like she has been left out treated unfairly. That is a problem that needs to be solved - how is what needs to be determined. Another trip/ a discussion/ something else etc

But it's not a son.

It's a daughter.

That makes all the difference.

Boys trip v one man on his own with two teenage girls (DSD plus another female child and a man on his own). Understandably he would be uncomfortable with that and many parents wouldn't allow their 15/16 year old daughter to go abroad with a man. Not to mention sleeping arrangements etc.

She gets family holidays with both parents.

OPs dd never has until now.

All kids have had ‘big’ birthday parties in the past.

All kids have had days out in the past to places such as legoland, Thorpe park, Alton towers for their birthdays at some point.

A mother is taking her child on a holiday, the 15yo can discuss this with her mother and father it is not up to the op to do anything she has not done anything wrong

But the 15 year old has been taken abroad many times by her own mum and the OP's dd wasn't invited along!

They seem to want it all one way only.

Yes her mum could organise that. Nothing stopping her.
OP has organised and paid for her a trip for her DD, the ex could do the same.

I don’t even see why DH has to make it up to her, he isn’t going, it’s a separate thing.

Everything OP does with her children does not have to be replicated with SC, she’s allowed to have her own relationship with her own children. Excluding her from a family holiday is entirely different.

I grew up in a large family, we went on different trips and holidays. It’s normal.

I was under the impression the mother had the problem with it not the father

I agree it's a problem that needs to be sorted. Someone needs to explain to the 15yo that it is not unfair for her half sibling to have trips with her mother to which she is not invited, any more than it is unfair for the 15yo to go on trips with her own mum without her half siblings. This should be pretty straightforward for her to get her head around.

The 15 year old sounds spoiled. If she goes away with her mother on foreign trips and knows her other sibling (your son) isn’t going as it’s a birthday treat asking to go is super unreasonable. At 15 she should definitely understand why she isn’t invited. I’m hoping it’s a misunderstanding and she just doesn’t have the full picture.

I’d clarify with DaD’s mother to make sure no one is confused but hold firm on not taking her.

I’m not sad that I don’t know her friends well.

We have offered for her to bring her mates around and she has said no but her mates don’t go over her mums house either.

Shes 15, she doesn’t want us to hang around with her when she’s out shopping with her mates.

Then her mum needs to be a good mum and explain that she's had trips and hasn't invited her half siblings and that she's being silly and have a laugh about her complaining with her. Not encouraging it. Maybe dsd might feel silly if she had it pointed out to her like that if she's a nice girl in general, which op hasn't said she isnt

Not unreasonable. Her dad and her younger sibling aren't going. This isn't a family holiday, it's you, your daughter and her friend.

Respectfully, I have just worked 16 days straight doing extra hours and OT to be able to afford this added luxury for our DD so it doesn’t effect any normal family money.

If It comes down to money then DSD mum can go and get her ass in gear and work to make it happen.

It's not mean at all. It's a birthday treat for her DD.

Say if DSD says she wants to go to Paris for her 16th birthday, in e.g. September, and with a friend, and her DM or DF says they'll take them both as a birthday treat, then should OP's DD pipe up that she should be allowed to go too? Of course not!

OP, do you think her mum is behind this more? E.g. encouraging her daughter to complain she's not allowed?

I would just say you planned it as a mother & daughter trip and leave at that. She goes away with her mother. If it’s a whole family trip then that is different.

I don't think it is unreasonable. Ds1 has a small older type birthday party for his last birthday with only 3 of his closest friends. Neither his siblings or cousins were invited because it was his birthday treat and he wanted to spend it with his friends. It was pricey for what it was and he loved every minute of it. I happily obliged. I will do the same if my other children want the same as they get older to. The dynamic would have been totally different had his younger siblings attended. Push back on this you have done nothing wrong. It's your daughter's special birthday treat if DSD mum wants them to go to Rome she can book it herself.

To those asking if the DSD is having a comparable trip, surely that's a question for her mum.

You're doing nothing wrong. It's a birthday present for your daughter.

You are not being unreasonable.

At 15 DSD is old enough to understand you are taking your daughter on a trip as a birthday present part of that is her friend is also going.

Just as you DSD is old enough to not want to hang around with her parents and her friends.

The bigger issue for me would be why her mother is getting involved and making this into an issue.

You aren't doing anything wrong so I would NOT engage or even give an explanation, because that would make it sound like you need to explain yourself. This trip is your dd birthday present and SHE gets to choose who to bring.

Then the ex is being very unreasonable.

It seems like she thinks if there’s any additional money for things like paying for a friend to join then that additional money should be spent on DSD.

If DD and DSD were very close DD would have wanted her sister to join.

Normally I think steps should be treated the same.

So the DSD should go on a fabulous trip with one of her parents. With a friend too.

If there are family holidays she should be included in that

Does she get a present when her sisters have a birthday?

It’s up to your daughter who she takes surely. I don’t insist my daughter takes her brother if we do a birthday treat! She gets to chose as so the other kids for their birthdays.

Why should she get a present on her sister’s birthday?

Edit: sorry if this was a rhetorical question!

Why?

If you have more than one child do they get presents on each others' birthdays?

Mine don't