To feel like DD loves her nanny-housekeeper more than me

[bringpositivitea]

My DD is 2, I'm a SAHM and we have a housekeeper / nanny who comes daily 9-3 on weekdays - she does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking lunch etc. The only thing I do is cooking dinner. So essentially I'm with my daughter all day, I try to plan really fun things for her like playdates, go to various playgrounds, soft play, feed the ducks, ride her bike, go to kid friendly museums etc. However if I have a doctors appointment or need to get something done (around 1-2 times per week when I'm gone for 3-4 hours) my daughter will stay with this nanny / housekeeper until I get back (they usually just go to the park).

It feels like my daughter loves the nanny / housekeeper (call her NH for short) more than me and I can't understand why. If NH is home when we are, she will prefer to play with NH over me and actively tell me "go away mummy" if I walk into the room they are playing in. If I'm dressing her for the walk she will request that NH does it instead. I don't stop them and it's now turned into them playing together just after her nap because if I ask whether she wants to go outside, DD will say no she wants to play at home with NH rather than go with me to the park or do anything with me...

Op doesn’t say where she lives, but this is very normal in places like Singapore.

Just a question. How much are you paying for this amazing service?

I am pretty sure I have seen a very similar post and that OP was in London but a trust fund baby.

Toddlers seek out socialisation. She’s not in nursery so it’s important to socialise her with other people, if she’s predominantly with you it’s not surprising she’s excited for a change. I honestly think my LO almost two would be too much of a handful if she didn’t go to nursery. Maybe you should try to find a nursery she could do a couple half days a week.

Six hours just doing housework? So you live in a castle?

Why the fuck shouldn't she?

Well yes. Which is why I'm tactfully suggesting that the OP may find it helpful to fill her time so she isn't dependent on her toddler. Whatever you think of the context and lifestyle choices that lead to a woman with a rich husband spending her days doing close to nothing, having a go at the OP isn't going to result in a fairer distribution of wealth or stop women living idle and in this case possible unfulfilled lives due to marriage to wealthy men. I'm offering advice to address the problem the OPs presented, not to change the world.

Only a child that knows they loved can do this.
Your little Madam is using a powerplay on you.
Step back, and see it for your DD has a heart that can love.
Go bake cakes or something interesting, if DD sees mummy doing something let her idea that your are not her possession will take root .

People are being so silly. I live overseas on assignment in a place where this is very normal. My housekeeper does no childcare or cooking but there is still plenty to fill the hours she works, and we do not live in a castle.

Looking after a two year old isn't doing close to nothing. It's very patronising to suggest a woman is dependent on her child because she doesn't have a job.

The 2 year old does not need to go to nursery.

OP, just insist your toddler comes outside when it's time.

Seriously you think your kid would love someone more than you because they tidied their rooms? That's just tragic.
You're confused between a mother and domestic chores. They may intersect but are not the same.

People on here are so limited in their worldview sometimes it hurts. People across the world live in different ways, people in your own town may too, shock horror. You don't get to define them as "not a mother" for that, you know nothing.

I had exactly this problem when my children were born - we were expats in a country where live in nanny/housekeepers were the norm. It all worked reasonably well until I had a second child and then, instead of the usual juggling for my attention and learning to share an adult etc my eldest just defaulted to the nanny. I was a bit pathetic about it tbh. I knew the bigger picture was that she was much loved by this person, but I felt very jealous and I did ask her to step back at one point, after I found my eldest in her bed. Can you maybe use your own extra time in a different way to give you a focus? I learnt a language and went back to work in the afternoons - earning a pittance but finding a ‘place’ for me that sort of worked. Take care.

What a nasty post. The OP doesn't work and is at home with her children so she actually is a STAHM.

How can you have so much spite in you at 7am?

For being good at her job?

If a genuine post, & I’m not judging you, it’ll pass, but do make sure you carve out lots of quality time to spend with your child, or children in the future.

They’ll likely say/remember their childhood/s as ‘my mother didn’t raise me/wasn’t around much/didn’t parent me’ if this is likely not to sting then that’s ok. Be warned. They may remember, their ‘truth’ may become, her involvement being far stronger than it was in reality.

Living the dream OP. Make the most of it!

I'm not suggesting 'a woman' is dependent on her child because she doesn't have a job. I'm suggesting that this particular OP appears to be dependent on her child and may be getting the childs natural desire to spend time with another adult out of proportion, because she is under occupied. A busy woman, whether their activity results from paid work or unpaid occupation would not be competing for the attention of a two year old. On the contrary most would be happy to have short periods to get on with other tasks. The fact that you live a similar lifestyle happily is irrelevant given you're not posting asking for advice.

A busy woman, whether their activity results from paid work or unpaid occupation would not be competing for the attention of a two year old. On the contrary most would be happy to have short periods to get on with other tasksthis is such bollocks. We get threads all the time on here with people saying their child is being stolen/more attached to granny or their nursery or dh and they are hurt. There’s some really weird vibes going on on this thread. Having domestic staff is not something to be ashamed of.

i'm guessing you are not in the uk. eughhh i'm in middle east and these type of mums make me 🤢🤢🤢. fine have a cleaner but do you really need a nanny when you are not working??? i've seen lots of kid be heartbroken when nanny leaves employment and they really do prefer nanny to the parent because they are more reliable. Ditch the nanny and be a parent

There’s some really weird vibes going on on this thread. Having domestic staff is not something to be ashamed of

Just because it's normal it doesn't make it right. I hope one day we will all be more equal and look back and think it was strange that some people lived like this.

erm it is when they are paid about £300 a month and live on instant noodles - like most i know in the gulf. I once saw a little malaysian lady get out the boot of a car like a dog and proceed to carry all her employees bags and push the pram. sorry but it's just not nice

Goodness me lots of green eyed monster posts on this thread.

The OP made it clear she has medical issues which means she requires someone to look after her DC several hours a week, so it's great her daughter enjoys spending time with the NH.

The OP may not be able to carry out housework, and even if she could, why wouldn't she hire someone if she can afford it.

All of us outsource domestic work when we can afford it including take-aways, cleaners, washing machines, dishwashers, babysitters....etc

The OP is spending lots of quality time with her daughter and as a result she feels safe enough with the NH.

@hangingonfordearlife1 a little Malaysian lady ???!!!

When my DD was that age she definitely seemed to like my mum and sister more than me. I worked part time and was home by midday so spent most of the day with her at that age.

It can feel upsetting but at the same time it’s nice that you have someone else to share the load with.

As they grow up it will work itself out.

I understand the arrangement. I’m like the op except I don’t have a housekeeper so my (probably much smaller) house is often a mess! My job is my kids not housework.
OP hasn’t said but if she’s quite wealthy the house is probably a LOT of work and she might get absolutely zilch support from her partner.

my little sister (10 years younger than I) never wanted to play with me as soon as other teenagers about my hare were present. Cousins, family friends, her half-sisters (who didn’t live with us).

It actually really hurt me back then!

What I understand now - as an adult - was that I was always present whereas they were a “rare occurrence”. And they never argued with her about not using her make-up or leaving her alone so they could study / talk to their friends etc.

in other words: the nanny is there for the fun stuff. And she’s an exciting change from the “ordinary”.
That doesn’t mean that your child doesn’t love you.