Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Your parents sound like my parents and grandparents who were definitely on the autistic spectrum themselves. I think you'll need to find someone else, either a sibling or trusted friend.

This

Can you find a friend who would be prepared to accompany your son in the taxi? Or just talk to your son and do some practice using taxis together, then get him to try a journey by himself - I know he finds the idea challenging, but the motivation of getting to an audition may be the incentive he needs to get out of his comfort zone. He's going to have to get taxis at some point in his life, so this is something he needs to try and work on.

As for your parents... they aren't legally obliged to help, but how depressing when parents refuse to help out their children in a way that most of us would do for a friend who we weren't related to.

That’s British grandparents for you 🙄
I just don’t understand why many are so cold- children are such joy, especially when you don’t actually have to parent them every day. Especially your own grandchildren!!! My mum delights in spending time with her grandchildren and would happily do it every day for few hours for her own enjoyment. DH’s parents are nice but always too busy.
I wonder if they were loving parents to you or just went through the motions because everyone had to have children in that generation

Either get your dh’s family to fill in or continue as planned and pay your dd to take your ds there and back in an uber.

As you say your parents sacrificed a lot, I would be questioning my whole childhood. This is beyond strange.

I don't understand why would leave your children with people who clearly do not want to spend any time with them. Who view them as an inconvenience, who don't want to cook for them, who don't want to do anything for or with them.

Wow that’s really odd behaviour to be totally devoted parents and absent grandparents. Their choice yes but I’d imagine it causes friction with their children. You’re asking for them to give up one weekend for your kids, that’s really not asking a lot but because they have to take your child to an audition they are kicking off? I’d just tell them to forget it and lose the money as I’d be so angry and not even want their help. Anyone else can help you out?

YABVU
Your child has an audition and so presumably needs parental support.
Your parents don't babysit so don't force them. They've done their child rearing they don't want the responsibility.

Your parents sound like absolute dicks. They have seriously only seen their 5yo grandchild once??!! They actively dislike children and only want to see their grown up children without grandchildren around?? what bizarre and dysfunctional behaviour.
you are not unreasonable to expect them to want to enjoy the pleasure of your children’s company. The overwhelming majority of grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren.
they are incredibly selfish and short sighted. They are in mid 70s now, fit and well with lots of friends. That can’t last forever. Ageing and declining health or death of one of them (and a dwindling of social circle) are inevitable in the next decade. Who do they think will be there for them? Maybe yourself and your brother? Definitely not your children.
my parents are in 80s now. My ds is autistic. They always helped where they could when my dc were young (even though it wasn’t always easy). My dc love and respect them and enjoy their company. They help them with household tasks and technology on a regular basis. I know my dc (and their other gc) bring them immense joy, even more so as they get older. Shame your parents will never have that experience and support in their old age but they will reap what they’ve sown.

Oh dear why did you book it without childcare ? Can you take the children?

OPs parents have brought her up. Why do they have to babysit as well?

It's really pointless in debating whether your parents are selfish / wrong. The matter at hand is to find someone to take your autistic son to his audition. You mentioned going away with friends on holiday so I'm assuming these friends know and like you quite well so why not ask one of them or even a couple of them to do the pick up and drop off? I have a friend whose parents live abroad and when the kids were young, I drove them to tennis camp / hospital appointments / other kid's home for play dates while she's at work. Ask your friends, they'd be much more willing / helpful than your parents. BTW, this friend has a MIL who lived nearby but refused to babysit and she accepted that and got on without her help.

If your parents spend time looking after your D.C. for you to go out/holiday abroad, how long will if be before your brother demands she looks after his D.C. for him and his wife to go out/holiday abroad?

This is the problem. Once grandparents care for their first gc they are expected to look after all the gc. If they do it for one to help out they feel obliged to agree to do it for the others, to keep the peace.

I was in my 40’s when my eldest dd had her DS. I helped out by having him for her to go back to work, until he went to school. I did the same for her DD. Then my second dd had her dc. I was in my 50’s. I had her 3 dc for her to work. Then my DS had his dc. I was 60 and had already spent over 10 years entertaining, feeding and caring for children every day. He expected me to have his dc now -“You had A and B’s children….”. Im now fast approaching 70. I am still required to collect at least one of the dc from school if they are ill or have them after school and feed them because one or other of their parents will be late home from work. During school holidays I’ve had all 7 of them. I sat down and cried every evening when they went home, through sheer exhaustion!

I have told them that once I hit my 70th birthday I will be removing myself from child care duties. I have missed out on so much that my friends were able to do. Now it’s time for me.

The problem with helping out with child care is dc take the piss!

For whatever reason, your parents have decided to set their boundaries way behind the societal norm. It’s totally normal to feel frustrated, but that’s what there is and I think you will just get even more frustrated if you expect them to “see sense” and change at this stage when they have clearly said no.

So I would just accept this as it is, and work on solving the audition problem. Could you ask 16yo to step up and pay her to accompany her brother in the taxi, then she can get a coffee while he has the audition?

Or use a known local taxi driver and have a ride with them beforehand so your son knows them. At least where I live there is a female driver who specialises in this kind of work - where the passenger needs to feel comfortable with the driver.

But your parents told you from day one that they will never babysit. They are your children not theirs and so what if they go on city breaks all of the time, they are able to, so good for them.
I , personally, don't understand why you wouldn't want to look after your grandkids and spend more time with them. My kids loved staying with their grandparents, as did I. I am not a Nana yet but I can't wait to babysit and help out.

You could have also said, "I'm sorry, things have changed since I cared for x's children 10/20 years ago and I'm not able to do that at this point."

I bet when they get older they’ll expect you to drop everything!

You said the audition is across the city. Your parents might drive around a lot, but are they driving in cities? Some people don't mind driving suburbs or in the country but are phobic about driving in the city. Could that be your parents? They agreed to be there, so let them be there and organise someone else to take your son to his audition.

OP, how will you feel if in ten years, you are finally starting to have the time you want with your DH, the time to go away and enjoy yourself like your parents are now doing, and all of a sudden you're asked to be on regular grandparent duty, meaning all that time you now have to spend with your DH disappears? I'm not saying your parents couldn't ever help out but try to put yourself in their shoes a bit.

@harveyluna789 your parents sound ghastly. I can relate. It's really hurtful. Unfortunately, they've made clear their parenting days are over and that they don't see their relationship with you as anything other than parenting (since they'd presumably do a favour like this for a friend - housesit, give a lift somewhere). Unless they're shit friends too...?)They sound consumed by resentment about their own parenting years, and like they don't actually like you or your brother very much. Doesn't that make you reevaluate their parenting?? And all these replies about you changing the goalposts, yeah - I once visited my mother for a cup of tea. On the understanding that I'd have a cup.of tea,which I was happy to make, as agreed. Then the cheeky fucker dropped a cup, and I had to help clear up the mess. She also expected me to open a packet of biscuits, no mention of this in the original agreement. That is the problem with helping old parents. You give an inch, they take a mile. Or, you know, normal things happen at normal social interactions, and not all of it needs spelt out in advance. Teenagers often need lifts (and food, though these teenagers don't even need that!) If I'd agreed to keep an eye on a teenager for a few days, I'd assume a lift into town is probably needed at some point in that time.

I do think, though, that you should try to find someone else to mind your kids this weekend, and that you shouldn't ask your parents for anything like this again. They don't want to do it, and shit as that is, hoping they'll change will just cause you more pain and difficulty.

It sounds like you need a babysitter. Someone who comes to you regularly to just be there with your kids and who is available for the odd weekend so you can go away. You’re a bit late now with the kids older but there’s nothing odd about wanting paid help for a 14 year old child with autism.

Lots of parents aren’t able to look after grandkids. Some want to and just aren’t able to. Paid help is the answer.

I’d pay a friend who knows him to take him.

Surprised by some of the responses.

This isn’t really even about them being decent grandparents, it’s about them being decent parents. You don’t stop being a parent when your kids leave home, and if your daughter needs help once in ten years with her kids, it’s a bit of a dick move to refuse for no good reason.

Unfortunately you’re going to need to find another solution, some good suggestions already on here, good luck.

Your parents' behaviour wrt their grandchildren sounds very odd indeed and really rather sad, but your idea that child-free nights away are some kind of entitlement and necessity that you're virtually owed after x number of years is also odd, tbh.

Would your son hop into a taxi with their grandparent?

They would not have to drive and your son would get to the audition.
Otherwise, accept their offer, go on your mini break but cancel your son's audition.

He is only a teenager. Surely he can misss one audition if he won't travel in a taxi.