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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
storagefilter · 05/03/2024 06:27

OP, is it worth speaking to a local taxi company and taking a couple of trips with your son so he can see what is like and prepare him for audition day? Even see if there is a way to have the same driver so he know who is picking him up? Or, is there a local home help type set up who might help. We have a local couple who run a businesss helping families, sitting in for the gas people to arrive etc.

LoisLanyard · 05/03/2024 06:30

Their behaviour is hurtful. Fine, they said they would never do any childcare (which is extreme quite frankly) but to then make a fuss when you are asking if they can drive 6 miles for an audition - that is just selfish. You aren’t asking them to fly to the moon and cook a banquet for 50 people. Where is their kindness in all of this? I think you have every right to feel disappointed and hurt.
For those saying that the OP is unreasonable for asking them to look after autistic kids - autism takes many forms and many autistic people are perfectly capable of navigating life, they just need a bit of help occasionally eg getting a lift instead of a taxi or bus (I speak from experience here). I’m guessing that is what the OPs kids are like given the language used (ie we aren’t talking extreme stereotypes here).
I second those who suggested finding a friend or other family member to take your son to the audition. Your parents can then be present in the house whilst you enjoy your break (and you should enjoy it!)

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/03/2024 06:31

I wouldn't want these people looking after my kids, it will be obvious to the kids that they are only there under duress, how awful.

Threy've only seen your brothers 5yo once?!?

Oh well they can reap the rewards in their old age when they have nobody to look after them, help them, accompany them to appointments etc.

They sound like miserable fuckers. Oh no, imagine having to miss a Friday and Saturday night out with their younger friends ONCE in 16 years and having to spend time with their very own grandchildren. It will no doubt be an ordeal for them.

Autienotnautie · 05/03/2024 06:31

It's so strange they were great parents but shit grandparents. Normally grandparents are better because there's less responsibility and you can hand them back.

Did they secretly dislike parenting but saw it as a duty.

Could dh parents come instead or could your brother drive him to audition?

YouJustDoYou · 05/03/2024 06:33

Well you knew the score - they told you they will never babysit. You booked a break away thinking you could convince them. You can't. Unless you pay for someone else/convince a friend or whatever, you have no babysitter, as you knew may happen.

user1984778379202 · 05/03/2024 06:34

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 22:59

I have wasted so much time and energy over the years trying to fathom it all out but I will still admit they were great parents and gave us a fantastic childhood and brought me and my brother up with such good morals. She admits that after 20 years she finally got her life back and now she can do what she wants when she wants.

Well I hope you’ve told them that at the point they might be needing help as they age your kids will be leaving the nest so that’s when you and your DH will be reclaiming your lives and they can whistle for care duties!

I would be so hurt if my parents took this stance. It’s not about them refusing to help out with the odd babysitting stint, it’s about them keeping their distance from their grandchildren full stop. I can’t believe they’ve only met your brother’s five-year-old once! So what if they gave you a nice childhood - their cruel indifference now makes them not very nice people.

thrwy22 · 05/03/2024 06:41

Your parents sound awful and utterly selfish.

I hope for their sake that their big group of fun friends are planning on pitching in and caring for them when they get older, because I wouldn't even inconvenience myself enough to pick up some bits from the off licence for them.

saraclara · 05/03/2024 06:50

That’s British grandparents for you

It really isn't @DodoTired . Hence the horror on this thread from parents and grandparents alike. I'm the same age as OP 's parents and there's not a single one of my friends and acquaintances who would act like this.

user1477391263 · 05/03/2024 06:51

Oh well they can reap the rewards in their old age when they have nobody to look after them, help them, accompany them to appointments etc.

I agree, but you'll get some furious reactions on here if you say this. "It's not supposed to be transactional!" etc, etc.

I mean, I agree to an extent and I wouldn't just abandon my own parents on such grounds, but I can't imagine I'd be quite as eager to go the extra mile and do all the nice extras for a parent who I basically just couldn't feel very warm towards. And seeing a 5yo grandchild ONCE and refusing to help out a tiny bit ONCE is just awful. I have friends and neighbors who have given me more help than that, and they're not even related to my kids.

32degrees · 05/03/2024 06:52

OP I'd just hire a nanny / babysitter for that afternoon solely to run him to the audition and back.

Is there a local Facebook group or similar that you could ask for recommendations?

It's a waste to miss your holiday break for the sake of an afternoon of babysitting fees.

Your parents are being unreasonable, but you're still getting a free weekend of babysitting out of them so don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

comingintomyown · 05/03/2024 06:54

Another who finds it bizarre to go from lovely parents to totally absent grandparents. At least my parents have been consistent 😬

OP if he can do the bus rides “at a push” then I think maybe now is the time, it may go much better than you think and be a little triumph for him ?

If not ask DH parents to do it for you, might shame your parents into deciding they could manage it after all.

teacrumpetsandcake · 05/03/2024 06:55

Where on earth do you live that getting 6 miles on public transport takes 3 hours? It only takes 2 hours to walk that distance!

sonjadog · 05/03/2024 06:55

Your parents are really awful people. However, that is what it is and doesn't help you fix this situation. I would start thinking of other possibilities for this weekend. Do you have a friend who could help out? If I had a friend in your position, I would drive her son to the audition, no problem. Or do your children have friends they could stay with that weekend?

I can understand you may be loathe to ask favours of friends, but for a one off like this for someone who had never been away for a weekend for 16 years, I would be happy to step in for a friend. Maybe one of your friends would be happy too?

UnNiddeRides · 05/03/2024 06:56

You say that your husband’s family can’t help because they live 30 miles away, but it’s not that great a distance. Have they never had your children in 16 years either? Would asking them to come & stay instead be an option?

user1477391263 · 05/03/2024 06:57

GardeningIsNotMe · 05/03/2024 05:37

If your parents spend time looking after your D.C. for you to go out/holiday abroad, how long will if be before your brother demands she looks after his D.C. for him and his wife to go out/holiday abroad?

This is the problem. Once grandparents care for their first gc they are expected to look after all the gc. If they do it for one to help out they feel obliged to agree to do it for the others, to keep the peace.

I was in my 40’s when my eldest dd had her DS. I helped out by having him for her to go back to work, until he went to school. I did the same for her DD. Then my second dd had her dc. I was in my 50’s. I had her 3 dc for her to work. Then my DS had his dc. I was 60 and had already spent over 10 years entertaining, feeding and caring for children every day. He expected me to have his dc now -“You had A and B’s children….”. Im now fast approaching 70. I am still required to collect at least one of the dc from school if they are ill or have them after school and feed them because one or other of their parents will be late home from work. During school holidays I’ve had all 7 of them. I sat down and cried every evening when they went home, through sheer exhaustion!

I have told them that once I hit my 70th birthday I will be removing myself from child care duties. I have missed out on so much that my friends were able to do. Now it’s time for me.

The problem with helping out with child care is dc take the piss!

With due respect, it sounds like you've done a version of what the OP's parents did - been too much of a martyr, put yourself through way too much childcare work while resenting it and being fed up with it and not wanting to do it, and then "snapping" and saying "No more, I'm never getting involved again."

Your daughters should have been less greedy and asked for less - I would never ask a grandparent to provide fulltime childcare, though I have sometimes gratefully accepted their help with the odd day or afternoon. But you also should have drawn the line and set out some clear boundaries - "I can help out once a week, but you need to pay for childcare on the other days" or whatever.

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/03/2024 07:01

Can't your daughter stay at her boyfriend's and your son sleep over at a friends house?

Springcat · 05/03/2024 07:04

Why book the break when your needed at home
Bad planning on your part

Pipsquiggle · 05/03/2024 07:05

@harveyluna789
God your DPs sound hard work.
Yes they have been 'clear' with their boundaries for over 16 years and stuck to it but have they no empathy as to how hard it is to raise DC?

Look it's a massive step forward that they are staying overnight, can't they just do that? Make it as easy as possible for your DPs as they are more likely to do it again, maybe once or twice a year. This will give you some freedom.

What's the audition for? Does your DC have any friends who are also going? Can they go together? Can your DC miss this audition?

Can your ILs help? They don't live that far away.

There are other options. You need to go for this weekend away

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/03/2024 07:06

Can your brother come and stay?? Or a friend?

The not wanting to babysit thing is fine… but I find your parents not wanting to spend time with their grandkids utterly bizarre.

dottieautie · 05/03/2024 07:07

Someone once told me ,sometimes it’s ok to say your parents were shit. I genuinely struggle to believe how such wonderful loving parents could be such awful grandparents. There’s a weird disconnect there.

Its true they don’t owe you childcare but 14&16 are hardly children anymore, not the kind that needs proper looking after.and what a shame that they don’t want to get to know their grandchildren as autonomous human beings. They don’t sound like nice people to me. So much for the village eh?

I dont think you are being unreasonable OP but you have a difficult choice. Don’t go or go and the 16 year old can babysit the 14 year old for a weekend and maybe the 14 year old has to miss this particular audition and can wait until the next one or get the busses (although how does 6 miles equate to 3 x 1 hour bus rides when it could be walked in just over an hour and a half?)

Also tell your parents they’re selfish shits. It’s not like you can be getting much from the relationship now anyway.

Poinsettiasarevile · 05/03/2024 07:09

So much to unpack here. No, i don't think that one weekend in 16 years with lots of notice is too much to ask. I would happily do that for a friend, never mind family. I dont really see this as childcare. This is doing someone a solid favour that i would expect would be returned somehow.

I do believe that it is the grandparents prerogative whether they provide regular childcare.

What i find really bizarre is that your parents have opted out of having a relationship with any of their grandchildren. That i would struggle to get past. I don't think i could maintain an authentic relationship with them in those circumstances. I would certainly be making it clear that in their old age i would be too busy with my children to be of much help to them. So odd, and hurtful.

BabaYagasLittleSister · 05/03/2024 07:11

I think they sound incredibly selfish. They can do their own thing now, do whatever they want, but they don't care at all about their own grandchildren? Don't want to soend any time with grandchildren? That's so sad. And sad for the grandchildren.

I would probably cancel the plans, wait a few years until they can be left alone to go on your trip. And greywall them. Because they obviously don't care much about you now either if they don't want to help your life and relationship.

minthybobs · 05/03/2024 07:14

Look, it sucks that they don’t want to help ever and I get that it hurts. I had similar with my own family and it was very hurtful.,

But they have made their position crystal clear- they won’t help.

Remember that when THEY get old and need help: “sorry this is my time now the kids are grown”.

It works both ways here and I’d feel no guilt in future not helping them out. It’s not like you’re asking them constantly, they won’t even help out once. You can make the same decision when it applies to their requests for help!

rainyskylight · 05/03/2024 07:15

Can the 16yr old accompany the 14yr old to the audition?

user1477391263 · 05/03/2024 07:23

Good point re walking. I know it's quite a way, but if the 14yo is determined to go and is able to read maps/a phone and really doesn't want to get a taxi, he could walk 90 minutes each way. I walked one hour to school and an hour back each day as a teenager, and that was in a hilly city; as a one-off, it's perfectly feasible.