Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Sorry op but they're clearly not great parents, they're selfish awful people. Great parents wouldn't do this. Regardless, they're purposely choosing not to give a shit about their family and THEIR relationship with their grandchildren. They don't want to know these kids or your brothers. Isn't that sad. Surely they have every single night/day of the week to "socialise" if they're retired.

What self centered aliens. As others have said, hope they enjoy their lonely old age. They are cutting off their grandchildren and the ability for the children to have a relationship and memories of their own grandparents. They will be lost and forgotten.

Because to care so little for your family (to actively avoid your grandchildren) is downright odd.

That certainly does not make them “monstrously self-absorbed

What would you call it then?

I'm a grandparent and usually the first to come to the defence of GPs and MILs. But I'm truly shocked at this, and I honestly can't think of anything more self absorbed than what they're (not) doing.

When I see posters recommend to others that they punish their parents for 'not doing enough childcare' by refusing to do anything for them in old age, I'm always infuriated. But in this case these GPs don't deserve as much as a single lift to the supermarket in future.

Do you have children and grandchildren?

If so, do you care as little about them as the OP's do?

They are your children, you chose to have them

That's not a logical argument because op is their child, that they "chose to have". So even if they had no affection for their grandchildren whatsoever (unnatural and strange), then they should still feel an obligation towards their child, op, who needs this favour. Since they "chose to have her"

Edit, by child here I mean offspring, not minor

Is there a reason that you can't pay someone to help or ask friend to help? (Obviously you might not be able to afford it which is fair enough)

Do you do things for your parents?

Could you offer them a deal and offer to do something in their garden or something like that?

I think it depends on the autistic teen. My DS is nearly 16 and has ASD and ADHD. His primary years were incredibly difficult. But he has really blossomed since secondary school, and although he does struggle academically and socially, he would be no trouble at all for a relative to spend time with if they came to live in for a weekend. He might be a bit shy but would be helpful and respectful, and as we always say 'he's no trouble'.

Unlike his sister who might be a handful.......😂

Of course all children are different and all ASD kids have different issues, but it's a bit of a generalisation to assume all autistic kids would be more of a challenge. If OP feels her DS would be fine then please don't make assumptions about him. She would certainly explain to her parents anything they needed to know - but if it was my DS my only issue would be to keep him aware of times etc.

If my DS had to get three buses to an audition then that would be a whole different ballgame. Just not doable (for many 16 year olds). My DS would take a taxi, and/or let his sister go with him - but they are all different. I do think it's sad that OPs parents cant manage a quick car journey and go for a Costa while he does something that might be really important for him. I know you can't always expect family to step up - but they agreed to the weekend, it does seem a shame for this one time.....

I'm sure you can think of someone who you find repugnant simply because of their different views and values (which lead to actual behaviour btw)?

Trump maybe? Obviously that's an extreme example, but the principle is the same.

I find these grandparents' attitude breathtakingly unpleasant and I'm astonished by how many posters seem to be defending them.

Did your grandparents ever help look after you? But two faced of them if they got help from their parents

I've voted YANBU because I understand where you're coming from - BUT you can't force them to babysit.
What I will say is your DC are nearly at an age where they can be left so yours and hubby's time will come I promise x
Alternatively, do you DC have any close friends they could stay over with? You don't mention any other family (I've not rtft sorry) so I'm guessing that's not an option x

I don’t think your parents are selfish or anything- they’ve set very clear boundaries from the very beginning. The situation isn’t an emergency either. When the audition came up you should have decided - is it an option since you’re away or not. It’s ok to say ‘no’ to your son if the break is so important to you. Also, I don’t see why you should blame your parents for not getting couples time- it’s on you to build your support network (paid or otherwise) and you’ve had plenty of time for that. If your parents lived abroad what would you do? Do that.

Maybe they are too old to drive to the other side of town. I know by that age my father would only drive familiar routes as he found new routes too difficult.

I often see on MN people claiming their parents are lying about not being able to cope with something because they go on holiday. But going on holiday is totally different to taking care of children or driving unfamiliar routes.

No , you are not being unreasonable. I think your parents are selfish that they can’t drive their 14 year old grandson a short drive for something important to him. It’s a one off , it’s not something they commit to on a regular basis . Jesus Christ,if you can’t do one active caring favour for once!

Sounds like he’ll need to miss the audition then! If he can’t bring himself to it??? I mean, he’s a teenager! How on earth is he going to attend to worldly affairs if he can’t do that one simple thing???

It truly fucking sucks, op, it really does.

W e have a similar situation to yours, I can't empathize enough

I mean, he’s a teenager! How on earth is he going to attend to worldly affairs if he can’t do that one simple thing???

^

He's 16, and autistic?

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel upset by this OP. Most of us would like to think our parents would help us out occasionally, if they could.

I do also think it's a bit unusual of your parents to draw such a hard line: your kids won't be kids for much longer so it's hardly as if your parents have to worry about a slippery slope into years of childcare.

You could think about calmly letting them know that you respect their boundaries but you feel hurt. But it would be unreasonable to think you have an entitlement to their help/time.

It might be better to let it go if it's not going to be constructive to have the honest conversation with them - depends a bit on your relationship with them.

I can't believe that your mother never minded your kids once in the past 16 year's especially when she knew you had a child with autism. They are an extremely selfish pair.
It's important for you and your husband to have a child free break especially if you have not had one in 16 year's.
I would contact one of your friends and ask them could they bring your son to the audition. Tell them you have a weekend away booked with your husband for the 1st time in 16 year's.
I would not give up this break as you need it. Also if you cancel this your parents will come up with some excuse if you ask them to mind them at a later date.

I can't believe that your mother never minded your kids once in the past 16 year's especially when she knew you had a child with autism. They are an extremely selfish pair.
It's important for you and your husband to have a child free break especially if you have not had one in 16 year's.
I would contact one of your friends and ask them could they bring your son to the audition. Tell them you have a weekend away booked with your husband for the 1st time in 16 year's.
I would not give up this break as you need it. Also if you cancel this your parents will come up with some excuse if you ask them to mind them at a later date.

This is one of my pet peeves with looking after kids in the family - agreeing to babysit then being handed their social itinerary. IMO life should be made as easy as possible for the babysitter. I'm not 70 and I'd be a bit miffed if i was landed with the extra responsibility of an audition.

Also, having a DD myself who has auditions, they're pretty stressful in the lead up and really need someone supportive and calm. If the parents are stressed then it's probably worth him doing it anyway.

I think you should decide how important the audition is, because some of them really are opportunities not to be missed (DD and I have left holidays early for auditions before!) and if this one of them, then that's what you need to prioritise.

I can't imagine not doing it for my grandchildren, if I ever have any, but they have set their terms as they do have the right to do.

I've never had a weekend away with my DH as my parents weren't babysitters either. For more years than you too. I'd like to encourage you to think about alternatives:

Your children are old enough for you to do day trips together. Maybe do that? Think about how you can do dates at home. We sometimes order dinner in and watch a movie together. You just need to think creatively and don't have to go away overnight to spend time together and reconnect.

Very well sad.

YABU to not write them off as grandparents. Time to leave them alone and let them get on with their lives. Make other plans.

They made their feelings clear at the start and you decided, as it suited you, to believe they did not mean what they said.

And, yes it might only be however many hours in x years but if they HAD said yes to helping out here and there... it would have been many many more hours. If they'd not been firm about it, they'd have been asked regularly and expected to do it regularly... which is why they were so bloody clear!

You've had time to explain to your DC, 'here are the options... taxi, bus, or don't go, what do you want to do, can we help you practice getting a taxi' ... and you don't seem to have done that either. You've assumed you can drop this on your parents having told them they'd need to do nothing but use your home as a base for the weekend. This sort of thing is exactly why some people are strict and pretty brutal about NOT doing childcare for GC!