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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 04/03/2024 23:22

Of course you are being unreasonable. They are your children, you chose to have them and your parents made their position clear on ‘babysitting’ before they were born. You have no right to expect childcare from them if they don’t want to do it. Given their previously stated position, they are being very reasonable agreeing to stay with them for an entire weekend whilst you go away. Saying they are not prepared to drive your son to the other side if town as well is fair enough. If it’s so important that he goes, why have you chosen that weekend to go away.

I’m 64 and have no issues driving. My husband is 70 and surprisingly (since he loved driving until recently) is finding that some days, he feels reluctant to drive due to ‘feeling out of sorts’. That said, even if both your parents are confident, happy drivers, why should they do that journey if they don’t want to?

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 23:23

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 23:13

I think because they literally don't have to do anything and can go out all day walking if they want to , sit and watch films all day, do crosswords all day. The kids don;t need them during the day. My mum doesn't cook and said she won't cook for them so my 16 yr old will cook and they will have a take away one night - they are literally just a presence in the house. Obviously now I know I made a massive mistake and regret the whole thing massively.

Show quote history

They are sounding worse and worse. They won't even cook a simple meal for their own grandchildren that they seem to barely know. Or bring them out for a meal if they don't want to cook in your house. You have not made a mistake OP, I don't think anyone could predict their parents being such complete and other fuckers. I am raging on your behalf. The sad thing is, if you made the grand gesture of calling the whole thing off, it would probably barely register with them, they'd just be glad to have their precious fucking weekend back. About the only good thing you can take from this is now knowing where the care bar is set. It's so low that once your own children are reared and sorted, you may give zero thoughts to your parents needs as they age and enjoy yourselves as much as you like. Cold comfort I know.

Seaside3 · 04/03/2024 23:24

Nrtwt but I wouldn't rearrange. You can bet your bottomed dollar they will find a reason not to babysit for the foreseeable.

They sound shit. Boils my piss when grandparents who could be involved aren't, when so many can't due to ill health/dementia etc. Urgh..sorry.

penjil · 04/03/2024 23:25

SecondUsername4me · 04/03/2024 19:24

Why does the weekend have to fall on the same one as the audition?

Well, perhaps they weekend away was booked first.....ever think of that?

Timeforachocolate · 04/03/2024 23:28

What are their plans for when they get Ito the stage of needing hospital treatments linked to old age, unable to drive themselves back after an anaesethic? Or one of them develops dementia and the other needs a break from caring duties?

will their myriad of friends rally round?

or will they expect you to help.

is that the time to say, you would not give any time to your grandchildren, so the grandchildren will not visit you in hospital, give you a lift back after hospital appointment. We will not visit you and give up out free Sat - as we deserve to go out with our friends or each other as we had no support when we had our children.

is that the future they envisage??

Joeylove88 · 04/03/2024 23:28

Your parents sounds really awful and I feel sorry for you tbh. Your now feeling guilty for daring to have a weekend away with your husband for the first time in 16 years because your parents feel inconvenienced about taking their own grandson to an audition 6 miles away. They are so utterly selfish and emotionally cold I dont see how you even still have a relationship with them id be so hurt by their attitudes. They basically decided they no longer wanted to be parents after 20 years. Its fine if they didnt want to babysit every week but how much effort have they actually made over the years with you/your children? Do they have a bond with them? It doesnt sound like it. So incredibly sad tbh but I would still go and enjoy your weekend away then reevaluate the effort you make to be in your parents lives.

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 23:29

AnnieSnap · 04/03/2024 23:22

Of course you are being unreasonable. They are your children, you chose to have them and your parents made their position clear on ‘babysitting’ before they were born. You have no right to expect childcare from them if they don’t want to do it. Given their previously stated position, they are being very reasonable agreeing to stay with them for an entire weekend whilst you go away. Saying they are not prepared to drive your son to the other side if town as well is fair enough. If it’s so important that he goes, why have you chosen that weekend to go away.

I’m 64 and have no issues driving. My husband is 70 and surprisingly (since he loved driving until recently) is finding that some days, he feels reluctant to drive due to ‘feeling out of sorts’. That said, even if both your parents are confident, happy drivers, why should they do that journey if they don’t want to?

An 'entire weekend' in 16 years. By my calculation that's 0.0005% of their time - you're right that is a lot 🙄. I see the OP's parents aren't the only monstrously self absorbed people of that generation around. Forget doing something like this for your closest blood relatives, I'd do this for a neighbour or friend, in fact I have done so.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/03/2024 23:29

Out of interest what would happen if DS passed his audition? Would he not be expected to catch the bus by himself for rehearsals etc? Maybe it's time to start practicing going on buses with him right now so he is able to do it for your weekend away.

penjil · 04/03/2024 23:31

@harveyluna789 have you ever thought of cutting of all contact with these "grandparents".

They have not wanted any relationship with your children for 16 years, and they are not helping you either.

What is it all for?

There is really no point in carrying the charade on.

AnnieSnap · 04/03/2024 23:32

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 23:29

An 'entire weekend' in 16 years. By my calculation that's 0.0005% of their time - you're right that is a lot 🙄. I see the OP's parents aren't the only monstrously self absorbed people of that generation around. Forget doing something like this for your closest blood relatives, I'd do this for a neighbour or friend, in fact I have done so.

Show quote history

Well that’s you. Not everyone is the same. That certainly does not make them “monstrously self-absorbed”. Just holders of different views and wishes 🙄

MrsDoubtfire24 · 04/03/2024 23:32

My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours.

3 buses and three hours for a 6 mile journey?

Ellie1015 · 04/03/2024 23:32

You have spent money and sounds like you need this weekend away. Do not cancel.

14 year old gets taxi, bus or skips the audition.

It is a shame grandparents won't help but avoiding bus/taxi does not take priority of your long awaited weekend away.

penjil · 04/03/2024 23:34

Ellie1015 · 04/03/2024 23:32

You have spent money and sounds like you need this weekend away. Do not cancel.

14 year old gets taxi, bus or skips the audition.

It is a shame grandparents won't help but avoiding bus/taxi does not take priority of your long awaited weekend away.

This 100%

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/03/2024 23:35

Your in-laws are 30 miles away? Could they help?
30 miles is nothing. My commute is 31 miles, which is fairly normal amongst my friends and colleagues.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/03/2024 23:38

I think I'd just have got my head down for the next 18m and waited for the trip. You're not comfortable leaving a 14 & 16 yo alone but they'll soon be 16 & 18 - surely old enough to be left!

We're in the same boat - no help whatsoever from GP's - we make the best of it by planning date nights at home, a friend babysits for a couple of hours once in a blue moon because I don't like to over ask,

If you don't want to leave them home alone, could 14 stay with a mate and 16 stay home alone??

Maybeicanhelpyou · 04/03/2024 23:39

Ok op, where in the country are you, maybe I can give your son a lift across town or help in some way. Or collaborate with your neighbours or something…….. it’s one weekend, surely there must be a way

FirstTimeMum897 · 04/03/2024 23:40

DH's family is 30 miles away. Why can't you drive them there so they can spend time with that side of the family? Why is it only your parents that you have issues with?

While I understand your disappointment generally, and I would be heartbroken if my own parents had said that, I really don't understand:

  1. the desperation to get away. At those ages, you and DH can go our for dinner every week or a spa afternoon. Not for the night, but plenty of time for you two.
  2. why you would book a weekend away 6 months in advance on the premise that people who have done zero childcare in 16 years would suddenly agree to it. I don't agree with their stance but I think you were naive.

Just move the trip to a different weekend and figure out other childcare. And relish the day your parents need any kind of care or help and you get to say NO. The idea of not wanting to mind my grandchildren for even an afternoon every now and then is...bonkers.

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 23:41

AnnieSnap · 04/03/2024 23:32

Well that’s you. Not everyone is the same. That certainly does not make them “monstrously self-absorbed”. Just holders of different views and wishes 🙄

Show quote history

By any reasonable persons estimations, this pair simply ARE monstrously self absorbed. Their attitude isn't indicative of 'different views and wishes', it is very far outside the norms of decent, loving behaviour. Not everyone is the same but most people are far far better than this thank God.

NewName24 · 04/03/2024 23:41

Joeylove88 · 04/03/2024 23:28

Your parents sounds really awful and I feel sorry for you tbh. Your now feeling guilty for daring to have a weekend away with your husband for the first time in 16 years because your parents feel inconvenienced about taking their own grandson to an audition 6 miles away. They are so utterly selfish and emotionally cold I dont see how you even still have a relationship with them id be so hurt by their attitudes. They basically decided they no longer wanted to be parents after 20 years. Its fine if they didnt want to babysit every week but how much effort have they actually made over the years with you/your children? Do they have a bond with them? It doesnt sound like it. So incredibly sad tbh but I would still go and enjoy your weekend away then reevaluate the effort you make to be in your parents lives.

This.

By the way, I'm not sure the vote is recording the same thing.
I've re-read and gone back to change what I put at first read.

For me:
AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? YANBU
Or
do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition? YWBU to do that

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away YABU to feel guilty

but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time. YANBU for that.

Looking at the vote, I suspect not everyone is answering the same question.

Densol57 · 04/03/2024 23:47

They sound absolutely selfish and vile. I go away on holiday a LOT, however I still make time to look after my toddler grandson.

He's here with me now.

Unless you are in line for a big inheritance I would not bother with them anymore if they are like this

Ghosttofu99 · 04/03/2024 23:52

I think it’s unreasonable to have children without factoring in the very real possibility that those children might have kids of their own one day. Of course unlimited babysitting is unreasonable but supporting your kids as they become parents on a basic level is a basic part of being a parent/human.

Ops parents were being U when they decided to have children without wanting anything that comes with that later down the line.

All very well for people to say that the GPs are entitled to have boundaries but the very real consequences of not helping out once in a decade is that the relationship with their own children who they chose to have will be gradually diluted.

Isittimeformynapyet · 04/03/2024 23:55

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 23:03

It is scarcely credible that two people could be such raging arseholes towards their own kith and kin, it almost goes against nature. I know lots of people their ages who have great full lives with lots of travel, fun, etc but in every case, woven throughout, is their relationship with their families and old/close friends which involve good times together but also mutual support, care and putting themselves out sometimes. The two do not have to be mutually exclusive. I cannot fathom being in the final third of my lifespan and being that shallow and lacking in understanding of the importance of human relationships above pretty much everything else. I am so sorry OP, you and your children deserve so much better than this.

An immaculate response.

I don't need to struggle to articulate my feelings on this now that you have done it for me. Thanks 🙏🏻

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2024 23:59

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:29

It is a european city break all booked and paid for - about 6 months ago and didn't obviously know about the audition then. I shouldn't have booked it really as I knew they weren't particularly happy but just so desperate for some time on our own and they can literally watch films, walk and do crosswords all weekend - apart from the saturday afternoon!

If they really can't manage to drive 12 miles, could they go in the taxi with him?

Otherwise is there a friend who could do that? Or another relative?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 00:02

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:54

I wouldn't mind if they were infirm and unable but they drive all round the country all the time - when they want to do something - they just don't like doing anything to help us because it eats into their leisure time. Most of their friends are in their late 50's early 60's and their social life is amazing - I think this is and always has been the problem helping us out means they can't do what they want to do, but it is 2.5 days in 16 yrs !!! Most Friday and Saturday nights they are out with friends and I think that is why they were reluctant to help because they won't be able to do this this weekend as they will be helping us out and I understand it is a massive ask but the kids will be no trouble - its just this one thing has come up.

It's not a massive ask

They are horribly selfish (imo) And I'm their age.

I do lots of childcare/school runs/babysitting which I am willing to do. It doesn't especially interfere with my social life

So once in 16 years wouldn't kill them!

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 00:03

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:04

They were great parents maybe too great because they gave everything up for us - we had a fab childhood and that's why they won't look after the grandchildren now because they did children for 20 yrs and they really (more my mum tbh) can't bear to be around children - they only see or stay with my brother when he doesn't have his kids otherwise they end up having to watch football play board games or be bored out of their brain talking about Lilo and Stitch!!!!! They were completely upfront with both of us when we had children and they haven't swayed from it one iota!!! My brothers kids are 8, 7and 5 and theyv'e probably only seen the 5 yr old once. They worked very very hard to make enough money to have a fab retirement with lots of travelling and socialising with friends and although they are very happy to see me and my brother and socialise with us it is only if kids are not involved.

Sorry. They actually sound really horrible

Even if you don't want to do childcare, to not even bear to be around children?

They sound very odd.

I'd want to distance myself if I was in you or your brother's shoes