Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Well by that thinking- when OP’s parents get into their 80’s and frail or one of them becomes poorly and the other has to look after them and they are in need of family support- Op is fully in the right to say - sorry I don’t want to extra responsibility of a lift! Or anything, your own your own…. Life can be very lonely & harder as you get older especially as friends also become older/frailer die. Family support should be about give and take & that includes ppl healthy in their 70’s who think 100% of their time in retirement should be spent purely selfishly. I wouldn’t support them if they become poorly/in need of support falter ignoring their grandchildren for 16 years.
also these posters saying poor them in their 70’s having to give a lift to their grandchild of only a 12 mile round trip. Do they realise all of us 40 and under (and yes I’m 40 and already worked since I was 16!) will have to work till 71 & many still paying mortgages then! But hay ho - apparently the current batch of 70 year old are far more important than any other generation and should ge spending all 100% completely to benefit themselves then have their family drop everything and support them in later years when they most likely will need it (even just for lists/help with shopping/ company when the 1st of the grandpar Dies first!

lol yeah.

To those who think the GPs are being reasonable - Imagine this:

''When i became a parent myself i clearly told my parents that i wouldn't be helping them at all when they get old because that will be when i finally get my time to do what i like after raising my own kids. And now (years later) one of them's asking me to drive them to a medical appointment 6 miles away. The cheek of it! I did tell them years ago i would be helping ....!''

Still perfectly reasonable?

I've been wondering about them.

Well he may have autism but hes obviously very well functioning if hes auditioning for something. I would do a practice run with him and let him make his own way there. He will need to do these things eventually anyway.

You’ve never had a night away but can’t move this one to a time your son doesn’t have an audition? I agree your parents haven’t been very supportive but that’s their choice really. Your children are your responsibility. Only other option you have is to enlist the help of someone else your son trusts.

Life can be very lonely & harder as you get older especially as friends also become older/frailer die. Family support should be about give and take & that includes ppl healthy in their 70’s who think 100% of their time in retirement should be spent purely selfishly. I wouldn’t support them if they become poorly/in need of support falter ignoring their grandchildren for 16 years.

Well as I said my parents helped my Dsis a lot especially when her kids were young (my mum looked after her first child for a couple of days a week so that she could go back to work) and now my dad has died my sister resents taking my non-driving mum to any appointments or doing stuff like picking up prescriptions so even helping with grandchildren doesn't guarantee that your children will reciprocate when you're older and need help! My mum now tries to use buses if I'm not visiting her to help because the narkiness that a request provokes just isn't worth it.

As your son is Autistic could you use a Care agency for the day of the audition?
He could have a get to know the person meeting. Depending on the carer they could drive him to and from his audition and have a coffee afterwards or a meal.
If they don't rive accompany him in a taxi or the buses. It may be useful for the future.
I get it as my DC is an adult with classic autism. Having additional needs means you have to spill for childcare decades later.
Get very little time together as a couple.
I hope you get away and your son does well in his audition.

Exactly this. 20 years of ‘parenting’ out of a current healthy life of 75 years is 55 years of ‘non’ parenting- couldn’t give a frig of anyone else in my family time - that’s a lot of selfish time & the kind of personality of someone I wouldn’t want anything to do with

What lovely grandparents...

what is the audition? how important is it? if he cant get in a taxi how is he going to cope with travel if he succeeds in said audition???

It would be very useful to get the other side of the story. OP's parents might have a very different tale to tell.

It's not so much not wanting to help out occasionally (which is not great, but their choice) - it's actively disliking children and choosing not to spend time with their grandchildren, even with the parents present to do the parenting.

I find that unforgivable tbh and I wouldn't want to bother with them. I wouldn't go out of my way to see them. I occasionally see my mum without the kids but when we meet it's mostly with the kids - they love seeing her and vice versa - that's how it should be.

I think it's misplaced confidence that the state will look after them, so they needn't invest in personal relationships.

I think this is really sad actually. I get they don’t want to babysit and all that jazz, and they were clear about that from the start, but you mentioned in another comment that they’ve literally seen your 5 year old nephew once in 5 years! That’s just not normal behaviour at all… it’s cold and effectively says ‘I’m indifferent to your existence’. I think the grandkids must feel really sad and rejected tbh which is just awful. They even go so far as to only see your brother when his kids aren’t there!

They may have been good parents, but as grandparents their behaviour is appalling. Could you not just ask a friend instead?

I’d personally be quite distant with them back - not that they’d care - but for your own mental heath I think you need to move forward without them. Wait until they need assistance or care home etc and you’re too busy or god forbid unable and they turn to the grandkids next!

Tbh .....I think this generation of grandparents are so selfish

Tbh....I think this generation of parents is so selfish. (Couldn't use 'are' for a singular subject)

From looking at many posts on here there does seem to be a number of parents who think that their children are everyone else's responsibility, not all, but some.

I think there's many posters who live this transactional, tit for tat lifestyle. I don't believe that the posters who spout "childcare or lack of care for you" would make much effort for parents and family who did provide childcare/jumped hoops as required. It would all be a dim and distant memory whilst selfish and entitled parents carried on ignoring their own.

I doubt very much whether OP's parents would call on her at all for anything. They did though provide a fantastic childhood for her and her brother so, where is their 'reward'?

OP is disloyal. I can't imagine writing a thread that will clearly get slow-witted posters who know only one side of a story, to use such horrible language and call my parents the names that posters have. All wrought by the OP.

I hope the grandparents use and enjoy their money, totally.

For sure there will be another side of the story.

All the posters ranting about how the GP’s have had nothing to do with their GC for 16 years…. Not once has OP said they’ve had nothing to do with the GC. Not all GP’s want to spend their later years child minding. That doesn’t mean they don’t see the GC or give them cuddles, or play with them or meet up on family occasions. They made it clear they weren’t going to babysit. That’s it.

If the GP’s were strangers to their DS it would make little sense for OP to ask them to sit with their DS for a weekend, given he doesn’t like strangers.

There will be a reason why her DB doesn’t take his DS to visit his GP’s - unless that’s another duty that falls solely on the GP’s. It’s pointless ranting that GP’s have only seen their GS once. It’s the same distance between db’s house and GP house as if is from GP’s house to db’s house. Is the brother incapable of making the journey OP expects her elderly parents to make.

Most parents who don’t have a family member to babysit pay a babysitter so they can enjoy occasional child free nights out.

OP’s parents have an amazing social life. Good for them! Somehow OP has likened their social events to babysitting as in if they are capable of doing one they can do the other. The GP’s enjoy doing one. They don’t want to do the other. They will have their reasons.

Everyone has choices to make. GP’s won’t babysit. Find someone else or stay at home with your kids until they are capable of taking care of themselves.

Most parents will have made provision for their care if they become incapable of looking after themselves. The threats of “You won’t babysit for me so I’m not going to look after you when you get old” is moot. Bye, bye inheritance 👋

I have grandchildren and most of my friends are similar age. also with GC. There is no evidence whatsoever of them being "selfish" in any way. They are all, like me, heavily involved with their GC and take great delight in them.

But the central point here is that OP's parents are not of that mind. Therefore she needs to write them out of the equation and make other care arrangements, as I had to do with parents and family living the other end of the country.

I know it feels a bit odd, and it is understandable that the OP feels resentful, but it is what it is.

So relationships shouldn't be tit for tat? But parents should be rewarded for parenting? Isn't that tit-massive gap-tat?
Not sure why you find OPs version of events hard to believe, there's plenty of posters on this thread who alone who seem to think it's a perfectly acceptable way to act.

Assume you didn't read all the OP's posts; you seem to have missed this:

"they really (more my mum tbh) can't bear to be around children - they only see or stay with my brother when he doesn't have his kids otherwise they end up having to watch football play board games or be bored out of their brain talking about Lilo and Stitch!!!!!"

"although they are very happy to see me and my brother and socialise with us it is only if kids are not involved."

Yet OP has chosen a child hating “stranger” to sit with her stranger hating ds, who has autism, for a whole weekend. That makes sense - NOT!

Is there any possibility you could move the audition as a reasonable adjustment depending on what it’s for so that your ds could still
do it - or would they allow him to audition via zoom or similar ?

My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.

And there's the solution, son gets the buses. After that waste of his Saturday next time he might reconsider a taxi

And is there any reason he cannot walk there? That would take about an hour.

OP - understand your frustration. Think the best bet is asking a trusted friend that your kid is used to.

Honestly, I don't understand why people have families when they don't want to spend any time with them or have any responsibilities. You don't wash your hands of your family when your kids turn 18. It's weird. You're supposed to care about these people. Anyway... doesn't look like you got a lot of sympathy, but personally I don't get it.

This is actually horrible and really sad. Again - why have a family. The inevitability is that your children will have children of their own and you're supposed to at least care. Grim atitude