Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

I really feel for you, your parents sound awful when it comes to your kids. But you've convinced them to do this when they really don't want to and now 'won't have to do anything' is taking a child to an audition. By the sounds of it they are probably dreading just being in the car with him! But 'audition' does sound like the sort of thing you could be waiting around for ages for.

The only thing I can think of is if there is somewhere nearby they would like to visit or go for lunch and you could offer to pay. Ie they drop your son off and pick him up later. But to be honest, I think you are better off asking a friend and owing them a night baby sitting/lunch or whatever.

Slightly off topic but I can see this. I live on the outskirts of a big city. To get public transport to one of the villages/small towns on the other side would be similar - 3 hours is extreme, but if the buses aren't frequent (like I said, close to the city but even then there are only 2 an hour on one of the routes in) or the times don't line up. It would be a 20 minute drive.

Could you identify a friendly local taxi and then do a couple of test runs in the taxi with a chosen driver with your son beforehand so he can get to know them. Then book specifically with that driver. I'm sure a small local taxi firm would co-operate with this.

I feel bad for you OP. Yes they want to live their lives but I can't imagine being this selfish to your own kids just because they're grown. Most of my nieces and nephews have lost their mums now and some both parents and they were doting grandparents. My mum and I help them out a lot with babysitting for nights/weekends away, school pick ups/drop offs/sports clubs etc, even just a couple of hours here and there too so they can go and do shopping together if they need it and we're available, so I can't fathom being so self centred when it comes to your own kids/grandkids when help is asked once in a blue moon, and not like they're little anymore.
I don't think YABU to want a little help this once, because really that's what it is, a little help.

Between a rock and a hard place. No judgements, I'm in my late 70s and a Gran. My only thought is how will your son feel? Would he be ok in taxi with grandparents for audition? Would he pick up on their angst? Has he got a good relationship with them? I have never had my youngest grandchild to stay on his own or looked after him at his home. The other 2 now independent teens look after us if we go to keep an eye ( had alot of contact and child minding over the years though 200 miles away). while parents away and these days, daughter arranges lifts for all activities.Yes as you're older you see more pitfalls and it's a big responsibility driving grandchildren in unfamiliar places. Am assuming they don't live near??

I find your posts very sad to read indeed OP and very strange and cold attitude from your parents. It's like they decided family life was done and cut you all off.

I don't agree with people's expectations that GP should be childcare and people are entitled to not want that burden but one offs are very different and this is a complete one off.

In your shoes I would ask DH family and then probably not bother with your parents again. It's clear they show little care towards you if they can't see that a one off would make a huge difference to you.

I think that's a bit unfair. So the parents have to raise two generations to be looked after in old age? They raised their kids!

This.

There are many weekends year - why chose this one?

Just a note of support OP. Of course there is no obligation for grandparents to do anything, and of course they are entitled to a wonderful time without responsibility after raising their own children. However, I think their staunch stance on this one weekend / afternoon is unkind and unnecessary. If you were constantly pushing boundaries or had tried to do this multiple times then that is different. But not the case by the sound of it. Sorry that you haven’t got their support but glad you had a wonderful childhood.

Good for bloody you. Your grandparent of the year award is in the post. You don’t get to dictate how other people grandparent especially when having only one side of the story. And so bloody what if your in your seventies too. Everybody feels differently and they may have health issues they don’t wish to disclose to op. If they want to be selfish after working hard all their life and raising their family so what. They’re entitled. Doesn’t make them useless just because you wouldn’t choosto do it like this.

I hardly think a single weekend of babysitting can be considered "raising two generations".

"If they want to be selfish after working hard all their life and raising their family so what. They’re entitled"

You're right, they can do as they please. But as you say, they are both selfish and entitled.

At least they're nothing but consistent, my parents were like that with my children but were completely different with my brother's 😡

Doing ONE small favour in 16 years isn’t raising the OPs kids ffs.
shes only met her other 5 year old grandkid once!!!
my kids have an amazing relationship with their grandparents. They’re all older now but all take the time to call/visit and check in with their grandparents, which I know GP enjoy. My kids do this because their grandparents have spent time, got to know them and built a relationship with them over the years. Now it’s come full circle. I really think the OPs parents will regret this one day when their GC never call because they’ve met them a handful of times.

I know deep down I am probably expecting too much of them as they were only doing it on the premise they could do their own thing and now I am expecting them to take their grandson somewhere which means the afternoon is not their own

I think this ^ is the issue. On the one hand I find it strange that grandparents would want absolutely nothing to do with their grandchildren, but that's their choice providing that they accept that when the grandchildren are grown up they will never have a relationship with them, effectively they'll be strangers.

But you changed the agreed deal, your parents thought they'd just be there to keep an eye on your teenagers but now you want them to actually have the hassle of getting your teen somewhere. This is one of the reasons people don't like to do favours for people, you give an inch, they take a mile.

My DPs used to do a fair bit for my Dsis (I live far away so they couldn't do the same for me) and my dad used to say that he hated driving his grandkids and their friends anywhere because he worried about being responsible for their safety. I'd actually cancel the audition if you can't find someone else to take your DS.

And I don't understand why your PILs haven't been asked and why you haven't been out as a couple for so long when your kids are teens!

@harveyluna789

At first I thought you were being unreasonable. However, in the grand scheme of things it’s a small favour in 16 years! It sounds like you and Dad can’t catch a break! Will your parents expect your help when they get older and need support looking after themselves? It sounds like they don’t realise it’s a two way street.

Good luck 🍀

Surely you must have a friend who your son knows who could drive him to this audition?

Or book a taxi driver for a couple of dummy runs with him so he has already been in the car/ met the driver?

Or explain to your son that this time, as you are away, he can't go to the audition. You have booked the holiday and you will lose money by not going. Could he understand that?

"He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town" Could you say you will pay for a taxi for them to accompany him? But, I think the bottom line is that they simply don't want to. I'd be considering all other possible options, including them not staying.

So, you're absolutely desperate for some child-free time?

Now you know how it was for your parents when they were raising their family, and why they told you they were not up for looking after kids any more.

YABU.

I see what you did there, but there are two distinct meanings to 'entitled' in this context.

You booked it on audition weekend without confirming their help. Yab MASSIVELY u.

You can have weekends away in a few years .

I don't like driving my GC around I feel quite anxious about their safety.

Let's see how the "I did my bit" generation are faring in 10 years. Suspect the narrative will start to change when they're all trying to cash in their parenting chips en masse...

I still want to hear from the OP about why the other set of grandparents can't help with this.

Did you miss the part they don't even want to see the grandkids - their 5 year old GC they have only met once?

That is more than GPs wanting to live their own life after raising kids

I'd argue they are not great parents like the OP states if this is how they treat their adult children.

No babysitting - fine. But at least spend time with and have a relationship with your children and grandchildren