Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Can you arrange for a taxi to take him there and back?

Why not cancel the audition?

What us the audition for?

Maybe the friends they see every weekend can help them when they’re old- they should do if they’re so close 🤷🏻‍♀️

Indeed. It’s interesting that your parents are in their 70s but their friends are in their late 50s/early 60s. It might work great now but I suspect within 10 years or so, they’ll be a massive shift whereby your parents start to become more physically compromised and their friends are still very active. Don’t be surprised if these friendships dwindle with time and they suddenly start asking for your help. Their friends who would then be in their 60s arent going to want to run around caring for their 80 year old friends, especially if its based very much on socialising and activities rather than actual genuine close knit ties. I suspect you’ll see a huge 360 change in their attitude in 10 years or so.

Remember this situation then. You arent something to be taken out of the cupboard and used only when it suits them. My dad did this- wasn't interested in his grandchildren or me, got a girlfriend, moved house to be near her in a very impractical rural place miles away from me (even though I begged him not to). Then, he promptly got diagnosed with dementia, girlfriend dumped him as soon as this happened and he was left alone miles from anyone. Guess who was the fallback choice?- me. I tried to help as much as I could but sadly, I couldn't do much due to the distance. He was very lonely and ended up having carers. Unfortunately, it was the result of his own choices.

I think it would be helpful to split the problem into two separate issues:

1. your parents and your relationship with them - to put it bluntly, they are selfish and heartless
2. the very understandable need for you and DH to go away for a weekend

You are never going to fix number 1, and it was unwise to make number 2 conditional on number 1.

It seems that there's a part of you that can't quite accept your parents' attitude and is hoping that they will change their minds and help out because they do care after all. The sad truth is that they don't care; they don't about their grandchildren and they don't care about supporting you as a parent. When you'd all left home, they decided they were no longer parents and no longer prepared to show any love or support to their adult children. I think that's awful. But you need to accept and come to terms with it. And obviously never help them!

What puzzles me is why you've not explored other possibilities for that weekend that don't involve your parents. I think you're stuck on wanting them to help and it's preventing you from finding other solutions. What about DH's parents? What about friends (ie friends of you/DH, or DS's friends' parents) - couldn't any of them give DS a lift to his audition?

We don't have a lot of help from parents but we do have friends we can call on for favours if needed.

I don’t think your parents are awful people but they do seem to have taken an all or nothing approach to parenting and grandparenting. Giving up everything for your children is a recipe for resentment down the line and your folks seem only to be able to see children through the lens of needs they have that compromise their own enjoyment of life. It’s as if you and your siblings were baby birds - reared to adulthood then booted out - though this might be my fantasy! I did get an image of a fledgeling being shoved from the nest. I’m certain parenthood can be sheer drudgery and, whisper it, young kids can be tedious company. But relationships are more than a series of transactions.

That is odd, why did you book this 6 months ago? European city breaks only need to be booked a few days in advance. It is strange to commit so far in advance when you have no child care, and when things like auditions might come up.

Id say write the weekend away off, and book the week after

Ask a good friend to take him. If you pay them some money I'm sure someone could do it for you. I get the needing a break but you can't call your parents out on it because they warned you they wouldnt babysit. It's daunting looking after autistic children I know I have 3 one is 16 in a few months and the others are almost 4 and 2 in a few days. I sometimes look after my friends non verbal 6yr old when she's desperate too. I dread it not because he's naughty as such but I don't know his routine as well as his mam so I can accidentally upset him and the younger 2 are so different too. It would be way easier continuing the agreement for your parents staying and getting a friend to take him to the audition if he will still go.

My DM was the same. Even before I had my DS she was banging on about never babysitting. Not that she bothered that much with me so I wasn't surprised. She never spent any time with just him. It always had to be with me and about her. I just don't understand it - surely you would want a relationship with your DGC? I gave up in the end and went NC.

Does your DC have friends that are going to the audition as well that could take him? Could your DC stay with friends of theirs rather than your DPs? By that age my DS and his friends were often having weekends at each other's homes and it worked out really well. Or your DC misses the audition.

I agree with the poster up thread, when they need help do not be around.

Op I personally don't think yabu. It must be really hard to have parents that uninvolved in your kids' lives. I hope you find a solution...maybe a friend?

It's not odd at all. Most people plan trips in advance, especially if they need to arrange childcare. And they did have childcare. Just immensely awkward childcare.

Yeah maybe they should/could step up and help out but they’re your kids not theirs and they were upfront from the start- you said it yourself you shouldn’t have booked it! Did you think that would push them into a corner as it’s booked and paid for….. My mum doesn’t help out much with my 6 yr old, occasionally if have medical app when he’s not at school but I’d never ask her to have him whilst I go away

Sorry that's really sad they don't want to help. I cannot imagine turning down a friend in these circumstances, let alone my child or grandchild.

Sorry only read OPs posts,

3 questions:
How is it 3 busses and umpteen hours to get 6 miles?
Why can't 16 year old DD go in the taxi with him?
Why can't husbands family do something!? (30 miles away is nothing)

The problem with booking things so far in advance is the risk of stuff cropping up in the meantime. ie: audition. 6 months in advance is a lot for a weekend away in europe.

Yabu. Cheeky and entitled expecting your elderly parents to drive your DS.

I can't help thinging the fall in birth rates around the world is all for the good. It sounds like your parents had children, just because, that's what you do, not because they actually wanted them.

Where do you live OP? Honestly, if you live close enough I'll drive your son to his audition because his selfish GPs won't do one little thing for him during his entire childhood.

To want GPs to do one little thing for their grandson, once during his childhood?

I feel for you , I really do .
I would move the dates of your European break if possible , or see if a friend of your autistic son has a parent / relative who can take him to the audition ?
The grandparents seem unreasonable to me ..it’s only a 6 mile drive and they could wait for him while he does the audition ( nearby cafe ? )
My own parents were extremely reluctant to come to keep an eye on my children ( even when they became older teens ) so we never got away at all as a couple and haven’t had a break in many many years .
I also have one autistic child ( adult now )

Asking once in 16 years is "cheeky and entitled"?

😂😂😂

I know!
The world would be a lot better place if people were more willing to show a little kindness and help each other out a bit.

I think people are being quite harsh to OP to be honest. Would it really hurt them to actually help their child / grandchildren? I really don’t understand the whole “we’ve raised our kids so we’re not helping with our grandchildren” I think it’s extremely selfish. I do however get the grandparents who don’t want to “raise” their grandkids or commit to regular days etc. but to help out once in a while, unless there are any health issues etc, why not?! I would actually go as far as saying it’s a grandparents duty to. You don’t stop being a parent when your children are adults. You chose to have children and grow a family, that is part of it. However in your shoes I’d probably cancel or postpone the trip if possible, and probably wouldn’t have any relationship with my parents who refused to ever babysit my whole child’s lives. It sounds like from your post you’re not the kind of parents who constantly ask for them to be looked after. Can’t get my head around it. Why do the older generation not want to spend time with their grandchildren?!? Doesn’t have to be a task or chore that’s seen as an inconvenience.

This is rubbish of them and they are being selfish. No, they don't HAVE to help you out but that is what families do on occasion - whoever said this isn't part of English culture is absolutely wrong, English families help each other out! - and it doesn't sound like you have leaned on them heavily over the years.

I'd have a word with them and let them know you are disappointed and you would very much appreciate their presence in the house this weekend which would ideally include one lift for your son to and from this audition.

Also, and this might be controversial, but I would consider telling your 16 year old that they might need to figure out how they get to this audition solo, if that is in any way possible considering autism which I fully admit I don't know much about, or not attend.

My feeling is that for families to function and be healthy everyone's needs have to be met sometimes. Of course more often than not it's the children's needs that come first, as it should be. But you work hard, sounds like a good parent and a nice human, it is important that you sometimes get good things in life too. Have your weekend away with your partner.

Well I think they are selfish and I'm not sure why you would want to inflict such people on your lovely children tbh. My parents also refuse to do any helping out- granted they live on a different continent but even when they are staying in our house on their vacation they won't mind my Dcs while I go to the shops. So i understand how it can make you feel resentful and pissed off. My dad also says that his parenting days are done. Like- you see your only (tween) GCs once every 2 years (and less thanks to covid) and you can't watch them while I go to Aldi?

TBH if your parents have only seen their 5 year old other grandchild once they sound useless and pathetic. I hope they don't expect you or your brother to drop everything and support them when the time comes.

I think that your child's audition must take precedence. Take the disappointment over your parents out of it. Your autistic child has something important he needs to do. That takes priority even if you have to miss on your city break (sorry). Can you ask a friend to help? I know I'd move heavens to help out a friend in your situation.

very best of luck.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I do think it is unreasonable of your parents not to do this for you and your son. Obviously no-one has to do more than they signed up for, but I think they should sign up for more. That's what you do for people you love. I am not at all saying that a grandmother should have to commit to looking after a grandchild for free two days a week while the parents are working (though many do) - but this is a tiny one-off thing in comparison that any reasonable person would do. I would do it for someone I hardly knew let alone my grandchild.

I suppose they feel that they are helping enough by staying so that you can have your weekend away?

How do you never get any time without the kids?

Not even a day out at the weekend?

You say that they wouldn't be a bother to the Gps as they are generally doing their own thing-this obviously doesn't apply to you?

Yes, your parents are not being helpful at all but you really need to get to problem solving.

• do you have a friend who can get in the taxi with your son?
• would your son be more comfortable travelling in a taxi with his friends?
• How viable is the public transport. Yes three hours is annoying but is it possible for him?

There are loads of options which don’t involve your parents or cancelling the holiday.