Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

I’m in two minds on this one, my parents (late 70’s) lives revolve around my kids and they help out all the time and I’ve never had to pay for childcare so I don’t understand your parents being like that! BUT… they don’t do overnight babysitting because they are just not comfortable with it, think they are too old. Why book a break 6 months in advance when you could guess it would be an issue? Couldn’t you start with day dates/maybe 1 evening? Kids sound like perfect age to enjoy a city break, why do you have to go without them?

I might be missing something here but I don't understand why this all wasn't sorted before the mini break was booked

Go on a weekend when the kids have no auditions?

YANBU for wanting a break and some support every now and them.
YABU asking for it to the same people that don't want to do it.

I understand that you are frustrated because is a one of a kind favour you are asking to them but you are asking the wrong people to do you that favour.

Op, sorry but you are being unreasonable in this. Your parents have been very clear in their thoughts about looking after YOUR children from the start.

The fact you even have to ask if you are being unreasonable when they said this from the start is telling.

You organised the weekend, you must have had input to the booking of the audition. Your parents are already have plans to do something else. That makes it your problem, and not them being unreasonable.

As for the other posts regarding not caring for them in the future, didn’t they give up their lives to be wonderful parents (in your own words)? Does that 20 odd years not count for anything?
You chose to have children, as your parents did.

I'm so surprised ( well not really, the world is bonkers but still) that people are like yeah your parents are just keeping a boundary. I mean obviously no one can force them to do anything, but families are supposed to be there for each other and facilitate life. That's the way humans existed for millenia. We are so self-centered these days. I am not advocating using elderly parents as cheap childcare but surely you WANT to spend time with your children and grandchildren. I remember so fondly ( esp now that my grandad has passed away) how my grandparents would rock up at athletics meets if my parents couldn't come. They just sat there and watched me run maybe twice, so I'm sure it wasn't their favourite day out, when I look back on it, but at the time they never made me feel that. They would come with treats and snacks and whatever. We need community around us. Who do your parents think are going to drive them to hospital appointments when they can't anymore. Or help your mum hang a picture or fix something when your dad had passed away. Like we are supposed to be there for each other. And honestly, one weekend in 16 years is nothing!!!. To say they can;t do their own thing is incredibly selfish. Surely you want your kids' marriage to be strong. My grandparents didn't babysit regularly ( as in weekly) because my mum was a SAHM, but they always facilitated and looked after us once or twice a year so that my parents could go for a weekend. And we were 5! So 5 kids' school runs, activities etc. Same with my parents, I want them to enjoy their retirement and don't ask them to babysit often, but again they've always let us go away for a night on our anniversary. Weird to me that anyone could be so selfish

Your wording here isn't coming across well. You know they won't just be watching films, going for walks and doing crosswords and maybe if you actually acknowledge that rather than minimise what is needed of your parents they'd be more willing to help

Just read some more of your comments, why haven't you and your brother helped each other out with babysitting as you are both in the same boat? I find your parents attitude to their grandchildren crazy, I have never met anyone in that situation, however I also wouldn't even feel comfortable leaving my children with people who don't like them? Has their attitude changed at all now that the children are almost adults?

Were your grandparents involved when you were a child? Maybe they didn't witness what a lovely bond grandparents can have with their grandchildren, or maybe they didn't have any time away from their children.
However, I think they're being incredibly selfish, not to help you have a stress-free weekend away. They are your family, but they're making your weekend away much more problematic than it needs to be. It seems as though they don't want to help you at all, and if you have any other options for your children for this weekend, I would look into them.

"As for the other posts regarding not caring for them in the future, didn’t they give up their lives to be wonderful parents (in your own words)? Does that 20 odd years not count for anything?
You chose to have children, as your parents did."

Nope. Looking after kids that you decided to have isn't optional. Looking after GC or elderly parents is.
They won't help out ever because they're too busy enjoying their retirement. Why should OP help them out when they're old and frail when she'll be too busy enjoying her own (and helping her kids out now and then?)

I think your parents are being unreasonable. So are your husband's. They could split the weekend even so one lot do Friday night until Saturday evening but can leave in time to go out Saturday night and the others stay until you get home.
I think the audition will have to be missed.
I had a similar experience with young children but I've vowed to help mine out if they ever need babysitters. The feeling of literally having no one to turn to is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And it's not the same with friends: most of mine offered but they wouldn't need it themselves as they had large and willing families to support them.

They've only seen their 5 year old grandchild once? bloody hell.

They sound utterly selfish. I don't get the "they raised you" nonsense either- noone deserves a medal for choosing to have kids and raising them- thats the most basic level of care you'd expect from someone who chose to have children. Millions of people around the world do this every single day.

I'd find someone else to help your son and distance myself completely from them- they'll probably be pleased about that by the sounds of it. On the plus side, no need to worry about helping them when they're elderly. Give them the gift of emotional distance, its clearly what they want.

Whilst they’ve been clear with their boundaries, I think it’s a really weird boundary to say that you want nothing to do with your grandkids. Are they suddenly going to be willing to have a relationship with them when they’re 21, or will they just never be interested in them? It’s also weird that they were such hands on parents but then refuse to help one you have your own parents. I’d cancel the trip and not give them the satisfaction of something to complain about. Go for a meal with your husband, or go to the cinema. Take your son to the audition. But remember all this in ten years’ time when they’re unable to drive due to age and they’re asking you/your son for lifts places. Sorry, no.

OP I think your parents are incredibly mean spirited. I really really do. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t have much more to say but I really what they’re doing is not normal.

Perhaps when they’re elderly or infirm and need your help you can remind them that you’ve spent “the last 20 years being a caregiver” and have no interest in doing it anymore.

Nope. Looking after kids that you decided to have isn't optional. Looking after GC or elderly parents is

Exactly. Having kids is a choice you make knowing that you must look after them.

Looking after elderly parents isnt a choice anyone makes. It's something that is put upon you without choosing it. Not remotely the same thing at all.

Ps - I would cancel the trip OP, let them know you’ll never ask anything of them again and distance yourself. I’m really annoyed on your behalf!

This is exactly why they haven’t helped out in 16 years. They know that if they offer you will be telling them how their time should be organised.

This makes me so sad.

i fully understand how you feel. Is there anyone else who could help? A friend who could stay and do it? Or can they go and stay with your brother for a night?

I would honestly be limiting contact with them- for them to have only seen your 5 year old nephew once is crazy.

Hard to believe they were brilliant parents if they have been so quick to cut you all off when you are older. There’s definitely something in this generation of grandparents that was not there before. Totally fine to be upfront and have boundaries- but once in 16 years is really not a big deal.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your parents of course are under no obligation to babysit but to have never helped you out in all these years is selfish. They could put themselves out for once for their family plus there's 2 of them so they can help eachother. We are very very lucky to have amazing grandparents for our DC and get the odd wee night out now and again which we are very thankful for. Equally if they need help with things we are there for them too.

Your parents are selfish. Seems like they didn't want to be your parent, never-ending a grandparents if that's their outlook. If that was my mum, she'd never hear from me ever again

They are selfish; but you can’t change that. You are going to have to come with another solution? Pay a close friend, someone drive him if one of your parents is in the car. Cancel audition? See if you can move city break?

I’d cancel the trip and not give them the satisfaction of something to complain about. Go for a meal with your husband, or go to the cinema. Take your son to the audition. But remember all this in ten years’ time when they’re unable to drive due to age and they’re asking you/your son for lifts places. Sorry, no.

This. I’d take them at their word and back off completely. I’d never ask them for help ever again and I wouldn’t bother trying to contact them either. They want to go it alone- they can go it alone.

When they need help you can tell them no because you have a right to enjoy your retirement and have spent 20 years looking after your own kids. It’s your time now.

Maybe the friends they see every weekend can help them when they’re old- they should do if they’re so close 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s unfortunate but your child will have to miss the audition because you’re not there to take them and everything is already arranged. Perhaps you can come up with another solution- friend take them, bribe his sister etc but teens can’t do every activity that they won’t to if they’re relying on others to take them. Are there any other opportunities- am dram groups etc?

Do you have a family friend who could take him instead and offer to cover the petrol cost?

I know they made their intentions clear from the outset 16 years ago but I think their choice to have such a limited relationship with their grandchildren is really sad.
My kids are a similar age to yours and I can't imagine not helping them out when they finally have kids. I had my kids when I was v young, missed out on the chance to go travelling with all my friends. Uni was a juggling act of essays and nappies, Never had money in my 20s for the girly weekends away so I fully intend to make up for that when mine fly the nest. That said, it will be balanced with time for my kids and their kids. I chose to be their mum and I'd like to have a close relationship with my grandchildren the same way I have with my kids.