Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
TraitorRoundTable · 05/03/2024 23:26

You’re complaining that they’re not putting their grandchild first
Hey pot 👋, kettle wants to call you black!
Why don’t YOU put your child first?

Stringagal · 05/03/2024 23:29

Haven’t RTFT but I’m sure others have said it - at least they won’t expect you to help out when they get too old. I hope you’ve acknowledged that with them.

If I were you I’d offer to pay literally anyone else your kids are comfortable with, to stay that weekend. I’d be cancelling the parents. .

Xmasbaby11 · 05/03/2024 23:38

It’s really sad op but you have to accept they simply don’t want to help. They don’t care enough about their grandson to give up their weekend. They probably don’t see it like that but that’s what it boils down to. Don’t expect them to change now.

your dc are nearly grown so you will have more freedom soon.

JudgeJ · 05/03/2024 23:43

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/03/2024 23:35

Your in-laws are 30 miles away? Could they help?
30 miles is nothing. My commute is 31 miles, which is fairly normal amongst my friends and colleagues.

In MN world anything above a mile is an expedition for many! I agree that 30 miles is nothing.
As a grandparent my grandchildren spent time here if their parents wanted to do something, four or five days on occasion but it was always Can they staying we book this trip, concert ?, it was never taken for granted.

echt · 05/03/2024 23:45

Stringagal · 05/03/2024 23:29

Haven’t RTFT but I’m sure others have said it - at least they won’t expect you to help out when they get too old. I hope you’ve acknowledged that with them.

If I were you I’d offer to pay literally anyone else your kids are comfortable with, to stay that weekend. I’d be cancelling the parents. .

When you get help from your parents will you tell "Good on you, now you've earned my help in your old age"?

TesterPotQueen · 05/03/2024 23:47

Well I think they are being very mean, you are not asking for much, how sad. I don't have any grandchildren yet and I am one of those who would not want to commit to formal weekly childcare, but I'd like to think that I would always try to help out when I could. How hard can it be, they're not tiny children. I feel for you.

Garlicnaan · 05/03/2024 23:56

Ask another family member for help that weekend instead? A sibling, aunt or your PIL?

30 miles is nothing, our nearest family are 3 times further.

laughinglovingliving · 06/03/2024 00:07

I would go on sitters.co.uk and hire someone for the weekend, including someone who can drive your son to where he needs to be.
All have experience and references and are DBS checked. I know your son has autism and doesn't like strangers however, thief grandparents are basically strangers and you could meet with the sitter before you go away.

CraftyTaupeOtter · 06/03/2024 00:08

OP, just curious why it's all on your parents and the other grandparents are getting a free pass? 30 miles is nothing.

Littlemisscapable · 06/03/2024 00:09

Gosh I see your point OP it's not even a grandparent thing, surely they would just help out on a personal level..I would help out a friend under these circumstances. It's just a normal human thing to do ? They clearly don't want to help. Can he just miss this audition and you have your break and just don't involve them again in anything like this ? This is sad ...it doesn't take much to help out and it's not like its a regular thing or a huge imposition..

Agii · 06/03/2024 00:14

They are being difficult. I'm sure that can manage and give you a break.

Anele22 · 06/03/2024 00:25

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:54

I wouldn't mind if they were infirm and unable but they drive all round the country all the time - when they want to do something - they just don't like doing anything to help us because it eats into their leisure time. Most of their friends are in their late 50's early 60's and their social life is amazing - I think this is and always has been the problem helping us out means they can't do what they want to do, but it is 2.5 days in 16 yrs !!! Most Friday and Saturday nights they are out with friends and I think that is why they were reluctant to help because they won't be able to do this this weekend as they will be helping us out and I understand it is a massive ask but the kids will be no trouble - its just this one thing has come up.

It’s not a massive ask. They are as mean as fuck. I hope you don’t help them out when they need it.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 06/03/2024 00:34

The simple fact is the grandparents are not caring or invested in their grandchildren. Your son will need to take the bus or a cab. His choice.

Ramalangadingdong · 06/03/2024 01:35

I love the sound of your parents.

JayJayEl · 06/03/2024 01:43

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:04

They were great parents maybe too great because they gave everything up for us - we had a fab childhood and that's why they won't look after the grandchildren now because they did children for 20 yrs and they really (more my mum tbh) can't bear to be around children - they only see or stay with my brother when he doesn't have his kids otherwise they end up having to watch football play board games or be bored out of their brain talking about Lilo and Stitch!!!!! They were completely upfront with both of us when we had children and they haven't swayed from it one iota!!! My brothers kids are 8, 7and 5 and theyv'e probably only seen the 5 yr old once. They worked very very hard to make enough money to have a fab retirement with lots of travelling and socialising with friends and although they are very happy to see me and my brother and socialise with us it is only if kids are not involved.

This has probably already been said, but your parents sound like absolute knobbish, selfish knobheads!

JayJayEl · 06/03/2024 01:57

celticprincess · 05/03/2024 21:55

You obviously don’t understand autism very well. If the teen isn’t used to getting the bus or gets anxiety around getting the bus or if it’s a journey he’s not done then this isn’t just a case of him not wanting the audition enough. I’ve got an autistic teen and she isn’t used to travelling by bus as it’s not been needed - might be in future and plan to do some practice eventually - but if she had an audition and want happy taking the bus it certainly wouldn’t be a reflection on how much she wants is.

Personally I’d see if you can push the holiday back. Depending on how you’ve booked it then it might not cost as much as you think. We had a family weekend booked for a city break and then found out my daughter had a performance rehearsal she had to be at. We also found out she had a performance exam so we re arranged the trip so we could get her to her exam, straight to the airport to fly and then return the day before she needed to be at her rehearsal. It cost us nothing to change the hotel as I tend to use the option of free cancellation when booking (slightly upping the price). I’d also picked a flexible flight so was able to change this easily. There was a small cost due to the different day being a different price.

And those who think it would be hard work for grandparents watching an autistic teen for the weekend again has no idea about autistic teens. They’re not so the same. Mine would be happy as Larry spending the weekend at her GP’s house, would likely just stay on her room watching Netflix or something but she’s never hard work for other people. Obviously not all autistic people are the same and some might prove harder work.

My DM is in her 70s and has done the occasional weekend for me - including taking to activities - so that I can go away for a weekend with my hobby group. I’m a single parent so she understands I not taking the mick and don’t ask all the time. She sometimes has the kids for the weekend or part of the weekend depending on what my ex is doing/working.

"You obviously don't understand autism very well..."

"And those who think it would be hard work for grandparents watching an autistic teen for the weekend again has no idea about autistic teens. They’re not so the same..."

What a contradictory post! I agree - autistic people are NOT "the same". Your first paragraph suggests the opposite of this point!

Dibbydoos · 06/03/2024 05:01

It's so typpical the dates you picked are clashing...

I assume you cant switch, have you tried?

Your DPs sound strange their grandkids arent their kids its not huge skin off theur nose but theyd rather their GS struggles to get to and from his audition? WTF.

Find someone to take your son and bring him home - can a friend do this? Hoping your DDs boyfriends mum will do it - buy her a bouquet of flowers for her trouble.

One things for sure, you can't rely on your DPs for sh1t. I think YABU to expect this though after they were crystal clear.

Dancerprancer19 · 06/03/2024 05:04

Practically, you’ll have to either get a friend to help or your son will need to miss it.

But I don’t think YABU at all in what you are asking of your parents. I’m also pretty flabbergasted by the fact she has only seen one of her other grandchildren who is 5 once! I mean something very weird is going on. Plenty of grandparents don’t want to do regular childcare but still have a positive, loving relationship with their grandchildren. I don’t think I could continue seeing them given they essentially seem to think their grandchildren are to be avoided at all costs.

Did your mum do it all and your dad leave it to her when you were kids? Has she had a breakdown? I’m trying to think of some reason that good parents would become such appalling grandparents. Is there some sort of black and white thinking going on? As in all ‘on’ as parents all ‘off’ as grandparents?

Practical issues aside you have every reason to be very hurt with their attitude.

AuContraire · 06/03/2024 05:05

I think it's unlikely your relationship problems with your DH will be solved by a weekend away together.

marmaduke12 · 06/03/2024 05:21

30 miles is not that far to drive for a special weekend to look after your grandchildren, so it seems that your DH's parents are equally awful.

marmaduke12 · 06/03/2024 05:30

Phone the accomodation to move it a week or so and pay the cost for a change of a date with the airline.

marmaduke12 · 06/03/2024 05:33

Yep, sorry you got such shite grandparents. My mum and dad lived 150kms away but would literally come down for every lunch or party. Mostly drove home after , otherwise slept on the pullout sofa. 30 miles is totally pathetic as an excuse.

daisymoonlight · 06/03/2024 06:19

I don't believe GP should regularly babysit nor do they have an obligation to do so. They have every right to enjoy their retirement.

That said, I cannot imagine a family where one small favour in 16 years is too much to ask and they make absolutely zero effort to even bother to get to know their own grandchildren- thats really heartless. As a PP said, you cant distance yourself completely from family when times are good and then suddenly expect help when times are bad for you.

My kids are teens and when they have kids I won't be babysitting regularly either but if they asked me for a favour and help occasionally of course I'd help out because I love them. Thats literally what you do for people you love- otherwise what's even the point of family?

I agree with PP- they are putting themselves first- fine. You can absolutely do the same when it comes to them needing care or help when old- put yourself first and say you don't want to do it. You can tell them you learnt it from them.
It's not about being transactional- it's about the natural consequences of your actions.

I've seen this happen with many GP- they make zero effort to foster a relationship with their GC and then when they are grown and the GP are frail and lonely they wonder why their GC don't want to visit or help them out. Relationships don't work that way- they take effort on both sides. You cant ignore someone for years and then suddenly expect them to be there for you when you want it. You reap what you sow I'm afraid.

1stTimeBoyMumx · 06/03/2024 06:30

@harveyluna789 i can’t believe what I’m reading! Your parents sound evil. I know everyone is different but honestly my parents love there grandkids more than anything and do anything they can to spend as much time with them as possible! I find it hard to believe you had the loving childhood your saying you had it this is how they feel and treat their grandchildren. They are not obliged to provide childcare but this sounds like the openly dislike there family and make things as difficult as possible! Do you have other family you could ask? I would have cut them off a long time a go to be honest! I’m honestly shocked.

Twiglets1 · 06/03/2024 06:36

Your parents sound really mean to not help out even very occasionally - no this is not normal in British culture as someone suggested!

The obvious answer is to ask your husband's family to step in, they only live 30 miles away which is nothing.

And your parents shouldn't expect any help from you when they need it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread