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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 17:48

I think for some GP who had a lot of children or with bigger age gaps and no help there can be a degree of burn out.

Poppybob · 05/03/2024 18:02

Op how would your parents react do you think? if you cancelled the weekend/holiday. (Not saying you should but just wondering) Would they be pleased? Feel guilty? Offer to take him then?

Thedance · 05/03/2024 18:25

Jollyhockeysticks1985 · 05/03/2024 12:30

I think they’re really selfish!

if they didn’t want to look after the kids regularly growing up - fair enough. But not doing occasional babysitting to help you out and give you a little break is just mean .

I’d cancel my weekend for my son but I’d remember this. They’re aging. The time will come when they will need you - I hope at that point you’re “done” with helping out family ;)

This is an attitude I just don't understand. OP has said they were wonderful caring parents who spent 20 years always putting their children first.
They took responsibility for their children until they were adults. They were not selfish in any way. I don't understand why they are being selfish now for not wanting to take any responsibility for their grandchildren. They would probably never have contemplated a European holiday without their children when OP was a child.
If grandparents want to be involved that's great but it's not compulsory and grandparents who don't want to be involved are not evil or selfish any more than OP and her husband are for wanting a weekend abroad .
For the record I am a very involved grandparent but that's my choice and I enjoy it. I don't see it as a duty and I certainly don't think grandparents who are not involved are selfish.

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 18:41

Thedance · 05/03/2024 18:25

This is an attitude I just don't understand. OP has said they were wonderful caring parents who spent 20 years always putting their children first.
They took responsibility for their children until they were adults. They were not selfish in any way. I don't understand why they are being selfish now for not wanting to take any responsibility for their grandchildren. They would probably never have contemplated a European holiday without their children when OP was a child.
If grandparents want to be involved that's great but it's not compulsory and grandparents who don't want to be involved are not evil or selfish any more than OP and her husband are for wanting a weekend abroad .
For the record I am a very involved grandparent but that's my choice and I enjoy it. I don't see it as a duty and I certainly don't think grandparents who are not involved are selfish.

Show quote history

The selfishness comes from not doing a single favour ever when it was optional. They chose to have OP and that meant they had to bring her up. As soon as anything was optional they didn't do it and that suggests they aren't really caring parents. I wouldn't blame OP for not having much to do with them in the future and that will mean that they won't be able to ask her for favours either.

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 19:04

Once we become adults, helping becomes a two way thing.
As parents I help out and care for my adult children but I expect them to care for and help me out too - for eg make me a cup of tea if U get in from work or cook etc or just phone and show thoughtfulness.

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 19:16

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 19:04

Once we become adults, helping becomes a two way thing.
As parents I help out and care for my adult children but I expect them to care for and help me out too - for eg make me a cup of tea if U get in from work or cook etc or just phone and show thoughtfulness.

Absolutely. I help my adult children and my parents and they do me favours too. My children also sometimes do stuff for my parents (their grandparents).

Dontforgetthesalamander · 05/03/2024 20:11

I think all the caring grandparents here probably think we are being mean to say don't care for your parents when they're old. I think it's difficult to comprehend just how detached some other people are from their children and grandchildren because you do actually love and care about your offspring and you haven't experienced how hurtful that situation is.

Sure some of you have provided more care than you might have wanted to. You might not ever want to babysit. But have you:

Ignored a gchild's birth
Ignored a gchild's birthday -not even a happy birthday text
Ignored your childs wedding
Ignored a gchild at Christmas - no card, no phone call, turned down a visit? Ignored a card the child sent you?
Refused to answer calls and texts for weeks or months - no big blowup to cause it, you've just gone off radar
Gone no contact rather than have to spend time around your children or gc?
Agreed to meet up with your dc but on the caveat they don't bring the gc because you're that disinterested?
Only met your 5yo gc once (assuming in the same country and not on that other side of the world?)

Because other parents/grandparents do do those things. It's not a case of cutting them off because they didn't want to babysit. There's a lot else that goes into a relationship than just babysitting. If they make efforts to build a meaningful relationship with their dgc that doesn't involve babysitting - that's great! But there are people out there who can't or won't show their family that they are important to them . You're considering how you'd feel if your children cut you off because you didn't babysit. Of course that wouldn't be fair, because you make effort in other ways to show that you care about your dc and dgc. But some people don't, and they don't deserve to rely on that family for support after 20 or 30 years of ignorance.

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 05/03/2024 20:15

Yes their choice, boundaries blah blah blah.

I find it astonishing that grandparents have this attitude to their grandchildren - and you as their child. I don't understand why they wouldn't want to make your life a bit nicer.

As i say with all these sorts of things, you reap what you sow. I assume that you will lay down the same sort of boundaries when they are older and perhaps infirm and need assistance from you and your children?

What were they like as parents when you were longer?

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 05/03/2024 20:18

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:54

I wouldn't mind if they were infirm and unable but they drive all round the country all the time - when they want to do something - they just don't like doing anything to help us because it eats into their leisure time. Most of their friends are in their late 50's early 60's and their social life is amazing - I think this is and always has been the problem helping us out means they can't do what they want to do, but it is 2.5 days in 16 yrs !!! Most Friday and Saturday nights they are out with friends and I think that is why they were reluctant to help because they won't be able to do this this weekend as they will be helping us out and I understand it is a massive ask but the kids will be no trouble - its just this one thing has come up.

It really is not a big ask.......

CraftyTaupeOtter · 05/03/2024 21:21

GardeningIsNotMe · 05/03/2024 15:41

Yes I should have…. And waited for the MN Oh woe is me post- “Waah my mil prefers her dds children. She wont bother with mine. She never has them for me to work so we have to spend money on childcare. She provided free childcare for her DD’s waah 😩 I can’t ask my parents because we moved away from them thinking mil would provide free childcare but she obviously hates our dc. I’m going no contact and she will never see my dc again!”

Yet when I had major health problems a while ago the only one who called every night, run errands and helped me out was my eldest dd. Not a peep from the other two until I had recovered and they called to make sure I would resume childcare duties. Exactly the same as when my dh passed away.

They think my house is going to be split 3 ways when I depart this earth. Ha! Two of them will have a suck in.

DIL is expecting another baby in the summer. Her other two are 6 and 3. If she wants to continue working they will have to find alternate childcare. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

50+ years of bringing up my own dc and my gc is enough for anyone. It’s adult time for me now. They can bring the dc around to visit. I have no problem with that at all. I love to see them and spent time with them. But my childcare days are well and truly over. I won’t be providing childcare for the little ones or the teens for their adult, married parents to have “date nights” 🙄 or weekends away either. I intend to enjoy the years I have left without being tied to screaming, noisy, hyper, bickering kids.

Show quote history

I can imagine how hurtful it was when two of your children didn't seem to care much, until they needed childcare. I'm so sorry.

It's perfectly fair for you to just stand up and announce that your childcare days are done. Blame it on getting older if you need to. Or tell them how you feel about their lack of care. No doubt you feel used.

There's always two sides to every story. I think some people here might sing a different tune when it's their turn in the grandparent seat.

tillytown · 05/03/2024 21:34

Do your kids know their grandparents don't like them? And what's going to happen if one or both of your parents need extra care but don't want to go into care homes? They must know you aren't going to kick your autistic child out for them

Winterymum · 05/03/2024 21:39

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I would be honest and say how you’re struggling in your relationship and how much this trip means to you. Hopefully other family/friends could help if they’re still
not willing

Scottsy200 · 05/03/2024 21:46

They sound really selfish to be fair, you can’t help it that an audition cropped up in the last 6 months, I feel very lucky that I wouldn’t even have to ask my own parents twice to help me out for something like that, they are also in their 70’s, unfortunately it doesn’t sound like they are going to give in, do you have another friend or family member that may consider giving son a lift to the audition?

Doone22 · 05/03/2024 21:47

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Haven't you got any friends that would do it?

FearMe · 05/03/2024 21:47

Is it possible that your children inherited their neurodiversity from your parents? That could explain a lot. Black and white thinking, lack of empathy etc.

Doone22 · 05/03/2024 21:48

Send each child to do an overnight with a mate?

celticprincess · 05/03/2024 21:55

You obviously don’t understand autism very well. If the teen isn’t used to getting the bus or gets anxiety around getting the bus or if it’s a journey he’s not done then this isn’t just a case of him not wanting the audition enough. I’ve got an autistic teen and she isn’t used to travelling by bus as it’s not been needed - might be in future and plan to do some practice eventually - but if she had an audition and want happy taking the bus it certainly wouldn’t be a reflection on how much she wants is.

Personally I’d see if you can push the holiday back. Depending on how you’ve booked it then it might not cost as much as you think. We had a family weekend booked for a city break and then found out my daughter had a performance rehearsal she had to be at. We also found out she had a performance exam so we re arranged the trip so we could get her to her exam, straight to the airport to fly and then return the day before she needed to be at her rehearsal. It cost us nothing to change the hotel as I tend to use the option of free cancellation when booking (slightly upping the price). I’d also picked a flexible flight so was able to change this easily. There was a small cost due to the different day being a different price.

And those who think it would be hard work for grandparents watching an autistic teen for the weekend again has no idea about autistic teens. They’re not so the same. Mine would be happy as Larry spending the weekend at her GP’s house, would likely just stay on her room watching Netflix or something but she’s never hard work for other people. Obviously not all autistic people are the same and some might prove harder work.

My DM is in her 70s and has done the occasional weekend for me - including taking to activities - so that I can go away for a weekend with my hobby group. I’m a single parent so she understands I not taking the mick and don’t ask all the time. She sometimes has the kids for the weekend or part of the weekend depending on what my ex is doing/working.

FamilyLife2point4 · 05/03/2024 21:59

I see a solution - grandparents too old to drive, son not able to get in taxi by self - one of them can get a taxi with him? No driving for them, no stranger danger for son 👍🏻

Sjh15 · 05/03/2024 22:08

YANBU.

it’s your parents and their grandson. It must make you feel like shit that they haven’t ever wanted a relationship with them. Ok they are 70 but in this instance they can drive themselves around…. I think it’s selfish and thats coming from me who basically has no family as they’ve all died or disowned me, except my mum who isn’t the most motherly. Since having my son it’s makes ZERO sense why you wouldn’t want to do your best for your family

theleafandnotthetree · 05/03/2024 22:17

FamilyLife2point4 · 05/03/2024 21:59

I see a solution - grandparents too old to drive, son not able to get in taxi by self - one of them can get a taxi with him? No driving for them, no stranger danger for son 👍🏻

Sounds like the bloody grandparents aren't far off being strangers themselves.

user1477391263 · 05/03/2024 22:52

celticprincess · 05/03/2024 21:55

You obviously don’t understand autism very well. If the teen isn’t used to getting the bus or gets anxiety around getting the bus or if it’s a journey he’s not done then this isn’t just a case of him not wanting the audition enough. I’ve got an autistic teen and she isn’t used to travelling by bus as it’s not been needed - might be in future and plan to do some practice eventually - but if she had an audition and want happy taking the bus it certainly wouldn’t be a reflection on how much she wants is.

Personally I’d see if you can push the holiday back. Depending on how you’ve booked it then it might not cost as much as you think. We had a family weekend booked for a city break and then found out my daughter had a performance rehearsal she had to be at. We also found out she had a performance exam so we re arranged the trip so we could get her to her exam, straight to the airport to fly and then return the day before she needed to be at her rehearsal. It cost us nothing to change the hotel as I tend to use the option of free cancellation when booking (slightly upping the price). I’d also picked a flexible flight so was able to change this easily. There was a small cost due to the different day being a different price.

And those who think it would be hard work for grandparents watching an autistic teen for the weekend again has no idea about autistic teens. They’re not so the same. Mine would be happy as Larry spending the weekend at her GP’s house, would likely just stay on her room watching Netflix or something but she’s never hard work for other people. Obviously not all autistic people are the same and some might prove harder work.

My DM is in her 70s and has done the occasional weekend for me - including taking to activities - so that I can go away for a weekend with my hobby group. I’m a single parent so she understands I not taking the mick and don’t ask all the time. She sometimes has the kids for the weekend or part of the weekend depending on what my ex is doing/working.

Sure, but the OP and her son have six months to work on this. Other posters with autistic children in this thread have already discussed various ways that the OP could help her son expand his comfort zone by practicing taking taxis together and gradually dialing back the support. Autism should not be used as a reason for never working on learning how to do new things - her son will need to get in a car with strangers at some point in his life if he’s going to live independently.

user1477391263 · 05/03/2024 22:53

FearMe · 05/03/2024 21:47

Is it possible that your children inherited their neurodiversity from your parents? That could explain a lot. Black and white thinking, lack of empathy etc.

Edited

I also think this may be true. I wonder if they fundamentally just don’t like kids and basically only had kids because they decided this was because you were “supposed to” do, rather than out of any real desire to have them.

LadyDaisy42 · 05/03/2024 23:03

FamilyLife2point4 · 05/03/2024 21:59

I see a solution - grandparents too old to drive, son not able to get in taxi by self - one of them can get a taxi with him? No driving for them, no stranger danger for son 👍🏻

I'm quite sure the grandparents will find a way to be awkward about this as well.

aurynne · 05/03/2024 23:16

"AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once?"

But your request is not about putting their grandchild first, it's about giving you a child-free weekend. Very different matter.

They told you before the child was born that they would not babysit. They are being true to their word. Making big decisions in life with the hope another person will change their mind is never a good idea.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 05/03/2024 23:23

OP in the kindest way you are being unreasonable

The obvious thing is your DD cancels/moves her plans with her boyfriend and travels with your DS to the audition. Or you ask a family friend/trusted neighbour he knows well/ obliging school teacher to help.