Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:
easylikeasundaymorn · 05/03/2024 14:41

Agree with those saying your parents sound worse with every update and am surprised at the posters defending them.
Again, it's absolutely reasonable to have "no babysitting" as a hard boundary (albeit very unusual for most grandparents and taken to an extreme in this case) but its really not normal to never want to see or take any interest in your grandchildren.

They could not baby sit but at least have an interest in their grandchildren as human beings. Whereas they seem to see them as not friends (who most people would happily do a favour like basically house sitting for 1 night or giving a short lift to), not even acquaintances but active annoyances, who are detrimental to the life they want rather than an added pleasure which is how most people see family!

It's just very strange because most bad grandparents were also bad parents so it's not unexpected. It seems very strange to have loving, involved parents as a child but for them to then not want any involvement with their grandchildren, or even any real interaction with their own children once they've grown up.

Do they envisage you caring for and helping them when they are old enough to need it and they can no longer get all their social needs met by their friends? Because their actions would personally influence how willing I was to do this for them if they couldn't do this one tiny favour for me in 16 years.

How do your children feel about their grandparents, do they like them? Do they see their friends (presumably many with loving, involved grandparents) and feel they've missed out?

Ahugga · 05/03/2024 14:43

ItsAllAboutTheDosh · 05/03/2024 14:38

So you all think the parents are lying when they say they are too old to drive across town?
You think their driving ability is better than they are stating?

Sound like they can drive just fine when it suits them. If they really can't drive, they could go with him in a taxi. They just can't be arsed

BruFord · 05/03/2024 14:46

It does sound like they were putting on a bit of an act when you were children and perhaps don't really care about you or anyone except themselves,

@wombat15 Hmm, I doubt that they were putting on a “happy families” act. At that point in their lives, they were happy to put their time and energy into family life, but now they’re not. Same with my in-laws, I think they were burnt out after raising four children.

It’s a shame that they don’t want to anymore and rather shitty for their GC’s, but there you are. You can’t control what other people do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/03/2024 14:49

I'm not defending the grandparents, they don't need it. They haven't done anything 'wrong', just not what the OP wants.

There must be some sort of reason why OP's mum, in particular, doesn't want to be around children now. That is not the norm and I wonder if OP has ever asked her mum about this? The grandparents are happy enough to see OP and her brother - just not with the children. There must be a reason for that.

I think that OP is fixated on this as she sees her parents as all kinds of unreasonable because they won't do this 'one tiny thing'. They have actually set out their stall very clearly and in view of that, OP is being unreasonable to have asked them and then to post a thread about it canvassing posters and essentially wanting a pile on witch-hunt of her parents. The usual posters have obliged. Some though do not feel that grandparents are for childcare; they are for cuddles and fun times - for the child(ren's) benefit and for the grandparents. It's a separate and special relationship if the parent doesn't spoil it.

OP could have arranged her break along with childcare separately at the same time, if needed. She didn't bother. Why on earth not? When you know that you don't have facility for childcare? Incompetent planning and inflexible - and that's not the grandparents.

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 14:50

Ahugga · 05/03/2024 14:14

I find it so bizarre that you can defend such selfish behavior. It's a one off. Asking for an occasional favour is not "strong arming" anyone into anything.
Complete lack of effort is not " boundaries". It's just self absorption.

Show quote history

I am not "defending" their behaviour, but expecting a change after 16 years of the same is bizarre.

Of course it's a boundary, just because it's a selfish one doesn't mean it's not a boundary. Asking for someone be a presence at home for your teenage kids is very different to asking them to accompany them to an audition for a few hours.

The GPs should be last resort emergency childcare and nothing else.

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 14:55

I don't know why you can't ask your daughter to wait on seeing her boyfriend until after your sons audition, then she can accompany him there and back.

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/03/2024 14:57

I still want to know why the other set of grandparents who are only 30 miles away aren't being asked.

rwalker · 05/03/2024 14:57

Could the kids go to audition together
order a takeaway for them for tea and parents arrive late on

Ginnnny · 05/03/2024 14:59

You are really being unreasonable, and come across quite selfish here too. They set the boundary early on and now you're throwing your toys out the pram.

diddl · 05/03/2024 15:01

Did your parents ever go away before you had moved out/could be left at home?

Sure loads of parents would like a weekend away but wait until they don't have to involve others in childcare.

Have they ever helped in an emergency?

That said they don't seem to have a relationship with your kids.

That I do find odd.

edited for typo.

Ahugga · 05/03/2024 15:02

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 14:55

I don't know why you can't ask your daughter to wait on seeing her boyfriend until after your sons audition, then she can accompany him there and back.

So 2 grown adults with a car shouldn't possibly have to manage, but a teenage girl with no transport should have to?

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/03/2024 15:08

Ahugga · 05/03/2024 14:43

Sound like they can drive just fine when it suits them. If they really can't drive, they could go with him in a taxi. They just can't be arsed

Show quote history

My Dad was a very confident driver - until he suddenly would not even contemplate driving across town. He'd happily drive in the suburbs.

This happened when he passed 70. My partner, who is now 68, has very recently found driving at night very stressful.

Until you know what that's like, you can't pass judgement.

Highfivemum · 05/03/2024 15:10

Your title is misleading as they have agreed. The issue is you know want them to transport your DC across town. If you need a break then go away and enjoy it. Audition will have to take a back seat. If it is that important then don’t go.
my DH and I do not have parents so never has the chance to get help. We are very lucky though to have a DB who steps in.
your DH and you need a break so go and enjoy.

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 15:22

Ahugga · 05/03/2024 15:02

So 2 grown adults with a car shouldn't possibly have to manage, but a teenage girl with no transport should have to?

Show quote history

Op has a problem that needs a solution. What the GPs can or can't manage is irrelevant as they won't do it.

They have agreed to be a presence, so if she wants to get her son to his audition then she should focus on that rather than trying to change the way they've acted for the past 16 years. It is a fruitless endeavour.

FinallyFeb · 05/03/2024 15:26

So you or your DH don’t have one friend who could help you out?

BetterWithPockets · 05/03/2024 15:31

I voted YABU, OP — because ultimately they did make it clear they didn’t want to get involved — BUT I can also see why you’re frustrated as it’s not a huge ask, and it doesn’t sound as though you’ve asked for much (if anything) in the way of help since having children. Is there anyone else going to the audition who might be able to help? Or can you arrange a taxi both ways? I hope you and your DH get to enjoy your break!

PeloMom · 05/03/2024 15:31

@Nanny0gg i do have DC. I hire a nanny when I need help. My DC is too young to be left alone but whenever we are away, I work with local agencies to hire reputable Nannie’s so that DH and I can get quality time (same when we are home). My side of the family lives half way across the world

Dontforgetthesalamander · 05/03/2024 15:39

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 09:53

I don't think the reciprocal arrangement or ' deal' is that GP need to look after their GC or their children Dutch them out of spite, the reciprocal deal has always been , my parents brought me up and looked after me as a child, I help them as an adult.

So... It doesn't matter at all what happens in the intervening 30 or 40 years after you turn 18?

They could be the most hands off, uninvolved, uninterested, and unsupportive parents in the world (like the op's parents) and you'd still be all in with providing care in their old age?

I think you'd be a mug.

GardeningIsNotMe · 05/03/2024 15:41

CraftyTaupeOtter · 05/03/2024 05:58

You could have also said, "I'm sorry, things have changed since I cared for x's children 10/20 years ago and I'm not able to do that at this point."

Show quote history

Yes I should have…. And waited for the MN Oh woe is me post- “Waah my mil prefers her dds children. She wont bother with mine. She never has them for me to work so we have to spend money on childcare. She provided free childcare for her DD’s waah 😩 I can’t ask my parents because we moved away from them thinking mil would provide free childcare but she obviously hates our dc. I’m going no contact and she will never see my dc again!”

Yet when I had major health problems a while ago the only one who called every night, run errands and helped me out was my eldest dd. Not a peep from the other two until I had recovered and they called to make sure I would resume childcare duties. Exactly the same as when my dh passed away.

They think my house is going to be split 3 ways when I depart this earth. Ha! Two of them will have a suck in.

DIL is expecting another baby in the summer. Her other two are 6 and 3. If she wants to continue working they will have to find alternate childcare. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

50+ years of bringing up my own dc and my gc is enough for anyone. It’s adult time for me now. They can bring the dc around to visit. I have no problem with that at all. I love to see them and spent time with them. But my childcare days are well and truly over. I won’t be providing childcare for the little ones or the teens for their adult, married parents to have “date nights” 🙄 or weekends away either. I intend to enjoy the years I have left without being tied to screaming, noisy, hyper, bickering kids.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/03/2024 15:48

Really well said, GardeningIsNotForMe Star

Dazedandconfusedma · 05/03/2024 16:15

I can’t believe these comments! You are not being unreasonable at all, your parents are. Yes, grandparents shouldn’t have to provide regular childcare (unless they want to), but to declare that they are never going to help with their grandchildren is v shitty and unreasonable. Your kids are 14 and 16, and the audition is a 12m round trip. You are not asking a lot, your parents should be able to do this for you.

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 16:56

I guess it's personal choice and about love as well as duty
I would have done anything for my dad in terms of general help not personal care as that would have felt completely wrong, but I didn't get that much chance as he died quickly.

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 17:26

BruFord · 05/03/2024 14:46

It does sound like they were putting on a bit of an act when you were children and perhaps don't really care about you or anyone except themselves,

@wombat15 Hmm, I doubt that they were putting on a “happy families” act. At that point in their lives, they were happy to put their time and energy into family life, but now they’re not. Same with my in-laws, I think they were burnt out after raising four children.

It’s a shame that they don’t want to anymore and rather shitty for their GC’s, but there you are. You can’t control what other people do.

Given that it has probably been about 30 years since they did childcare, I very much doubt they are "burnt out". The total lack of interest in their grandchildren's well being and the fact they never see them suggests they don't really like or care about their family.

BruFord · 05/03/2024 17:38

@wombat15 OK, they don’t like them. The OP still can’t do anything about it!

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 17:40

BruFord · 05/03/2024 17:38

@wombat15 OK, they don’t like them. The OP still can’t do anything about it!

No she can't.