Page 14 | Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

harveyluna789 · 2024-03-04T19:20:47+00:00

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break! AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition? I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 12:48

GardeningIsNotMe · 05/03/2024 05:37

If your parents spend time looking after your D.C. for you to go out/holiday abroad, how long will if be before your brother demands she looks after his D.C. for him and his wife to go out/holiday abroad?

This is the problem. Once grandparents care for their first gc they are expected to look after all the gc. If they do it for one to help out they feel obliged to agree to do it for the others, to keep the peace.

I was in my 40’s when my eldest dd had her DS. I helped out by having him for her to go back to work, until he went to school. I did the same for her DD. Then my second dd had her dc. I was in my 50’s. I had her 3 dc for her to work. Then my DS had his dc. I was 60 and had already spent over 10 years entertaining, feeding and caring for children every day. He expected me to have his dc now -“You had A and B’s children….”. Im now fast approaching 70. I am still required to collect at least one of the dc from school if they are ill or have them after school and feed them because one or other of their parents will be late home from work. During school holidays I’ve had all 7 of them. I sat down and cried every evening when they went home, through sheer exhaustion!

I have told them that once I hit my 70th birthday I will be removing myself from child care duties. I have missed out on so much that my friends were able to do. Now it’s time for me.

The problem with helping out with child care is dc take the piss!

this is it.
fairness somehow means that despite changing circumstances, age, financial etc GPs are expected to do the same for all GCs no matter what.

Grown adults whining to their elderly parents about fairness for nursery drop offs that happened 15 years ago. I can understand why it's easier to just sack it all off and say no.

It's awful, I've had to pull up friends on this, I find it really ungrateful.

CommentNow · 05/03/2024 13:02

Beezknees · 04/03/2024 21:40

If you don't want the possibility of becoming a grandparent then don't have kids at all! Incredibly selfish to have kids and then expect them NOT to have their own kids.

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What a silly thing to say. Perhaps I shouldn't have kids because I can't expect them to get a job they dont want or buy them a house.

OPs parents were very clear. Perhaps you could take the view that OP shouldn't be a parent if she didnt plan to be there 24/7.

All the extrapolation is ridiculous.

Grandparents are shit but hey were clear they were not taking on a grandparent role. Horrible as it is, you cant make someone grandparent the way you hope.

It's still unclear where DHs parents are in all this and why the initial agreement if grandparents being a presence is no longer enough because of mission creeps leading to OP wanting then to drive DS to an audition.

Tagyoureit · 05/03/2024 13:04

I think your parents are being massive, massive arseholes here!

You didn't know about the audition when you booked the break but life happens! I bet if their friends mavis and nigel were auditioning for the local theatre or whatever, they'd help them with a lift across town, feeling smug about what great friends they are!

And what grandparent insists on not cooking any meals for the own grandkids?? Beyond belief!!

God forbid you're ever hospitalised and need their help!! Have they ever helped you in an emergency?

And not seeing their other grandkids either?? Utterly bizarre!

Barneysma2 · 05/03/2024 13:14

I think your parents sound quite cruel tbh. It's fine for them having boundaries and not wanting to be permanent childminders for your kids whilst you work etc but you're asking for one weekend in 16 years it's not really a big ask in my opinion at all. I can't imagine having a child and that child coming to me later in life asking for a favour of babysitting and me being that much of an arsehole I wouldn't want to do it to help out, It's really sad actually as it seems they don't want any relationship with their grandchildren at all?

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 13:14

Ahugga · 05/03/2024 12:47

What planet do some people live on where grandparents can be entirely indifferent for decades, and you still want to run around after them in old age? Are any of you actually speaking from experience? Have you actually been the parents with no offers of babysitting ever and then gone on to provide actual care and support? I just don't buy it.

Yes of course. I brought all my children up without any childcare, though had company from my mil and dad until they died when children were about six. I cared for both my parents when ill despite having young children myself and despite them not doing any babysitting. They brought me up, I brought my children up.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 13:18

CraftyTaupeOtter · 05/03/2024 08:26

With regard to individual circumstances I think. Not everyone can care as much as they might want to. My parents were working full time and needed weekends for some down time. Not that they didn't visit and, yes, I know families where the grandparents worked full time and still did regular babysitting stints, but that wasn't my parents. They weren't independently wealthy so had to work.

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I meant care in the emotional sense rather than the practical

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 13:19

housethatbuiltme · 05/03/2024 08:42

I actually think the exact opposite... I think we are more entitled as a generation and expect far more.

I never knew of ANY parents that went on holiday without their kids when I was young, it was unheard but our generation think its a right we are entitled too.

I can also count on one hand the amount of times I was babysat by grandparents and I had a disabled single mother who did everything alone and young healthy grandparents.

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My sister had children in the 70s

She went away more than once with her husband and left the kids with my parents (and me!)

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/03/2024 13:22

But...a child free weekend turned into a European city break

and being a presence in the home turned into driving somewhere they don't want to

WOW !

I think the grandparents will be deeply relieved when you cancel / amend the trip.

Would you actually relax and enjoy your trip knowing your son is in a car being driven by people who feel too old to do that drive ?
but are being forced into it.

Maybe you could reach a compromise and book a return journey taxi and the grandparents travel with your son, and have yet another taxi booked to do the return journey to collect your son. Tho of course that is a large part of their afternoon taken up...

rather than your daughter's boyfriend's mum driving - will your son even get in that car ?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 13:25

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 13:14

Yes of course. I brought all my children up without any childcare, though had company from my mil and dad until they died when children were about six. I cared for both my parents when ill despite having young children myself and despite them not doing any babysitting. They brought me up, I brought my children up.

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But did they care about you and your children?

That's the issue to me.

The OP's really aren't bothered

sbhydrogen · 05/03/2024 13:29

If DH's family are only 30 miles away can't they come and help out, or at least take your DS to the audition? That's only about 45 minute drive. Maybe give them some money for lunch and fuel, or similar.

What about asking a friend's parent to help out? Could the elder child go with him if he's a bit unsure?

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 13:29

Yes they cared.
I'm a bit the same in that I do do any help needed in emergencies, the dc and GC are here with their parents most weekends and DGS has lived here with parent, But I am not keen on frequent sole care overnight under say four or five .. but I care and cook and spend a lot of time together. I'm also on hand for emotional and practical help and advice in emergencies. However I don't see my time as a GP as providing childcare, more spending time together and having input and a close relationship with them.

WimbyAce · 05/03/2024 13:34

How is your relationship generally with your parents? I can't believe they won't do this 1 favour, literally 6 miles there and back is nothing. Would def make me feel differently about helping them out.

DAFFSGALORE · 05/03/2024 13:35

Tagyoureit · 05/03/2024 13:04

I think your parents are being massive, massive arseholes here!

You didn't know about the audition when you booked the break but life happens! I bet if their friends mavis and nigel were auditioning for the local theatre or whatever, they'd help them with a lift across town, feeling smug about what great friends they are!

And what grandparent insists on not cooking any meals for the own grandkids?? Beyond belief!!

God forbid you're ever hospitalised and need their help!! Have they ever helped you in an emergency?

And not seeing their other grandkids either?? Utterly bizarre!

This!

Babyboomtastic · 05/03/2024 13:39

itsachange2024 · 05/03/2024 13:29

Yes they cared.
I'm a bit the same in that I do do any help needed in emergencies, the dc and GC are here with their parents most weekends and DGS has lived here with parent, But I am not keen on frequent sole care overnight under say four or five .. but I care and cook and spend a lot of time together. I'm also on hand for emotional and practical help and advice in emergencies. However I don't see my time as a GP as providing childcare, more spending time together and having input and a close relationship with them.

Your aren't the same at all.

You see your grandchildren most weekend. This GP only sees her children when the grandchildren aren't around. They've literally only seen their 5yo grandchild once 😬

You are on hand for emergencies. This GP is not.

You care and cook and spend a lot of time together. They won't even cook a meal.

These aren't people that love their grandchildren. I'm not sure they even love their children - why would they behave in such a hateful way if they did.

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 13:42

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 12:48

this is it.
fairness somehow means that despite changing circumstances, age, financial etc GPs are expected to do the same for all GCs no matter what.

Grown adults whining to their elderly parents about fairness for nursery drop offs that happened 15 years ago. I can understand why it's easier to just sack it all off and say no.

It's awful, I've had to pull up friends on this, I find it really ungrateful.

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That is rubbish. Giving an teenage grandchild a lift somewhere is entirely different to actually looking after young children.

IfYouDontAsk · 05/03/2024 13:56

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:04

They were great parents maybe too great because they gave everything up for us - we had a fab childhood and that's why they won't look after the grandchildren now because they did children for 20 yrs and they really (more my mum tbh) can't bear to be around children - they only see or stay with my brother when he doesn't have his kids otherwise they end up having to watch football play board games or be bored out of their brain talking about Lilo and Stitch!!!!! They were completely upfront with both of us when we had children and they haven't swayed from it one iota!!! My brothers kids are 8, 7and 5 and theyv'e probably only seen the 5 yr old once. They worked very very hard to make enough money to have a fab retirement with lots of travelling and socialising with friends and although they are very happy to see me and my brother and socialise with us it is only if kids are not involved.

Sorry, no advice but they sound like horrible people who have no interest in their grandchildren. I’m not talking about babysitting, I mean their total disinterest in spending any time with their grandchildren and getting to know them. Total oddballs. I couldn’t be bothered having a relationship with my parents if they showed no care for the most important people in the world to me, my children.

badwolf82 · 05/03/2024 14:00

Your parents sound like unbearable selfish psychopaths. How can anyone be so unfeeling and uncaring as to begrudge one weekend out of 16 years of doing literally nothing. I’m so sorry, you are not being unreasonable. They are being completely unreasonable. I think you need to reassess how great your childhood was as they’ve managed to raise a child who truly believes that familial relationships are so unimportant as to constitute a massive unreasonable ask when you are literally asking the bare bare minimum. Impress upon them that they are going to die alone and it will be 100% their fault unless they change their behaviour.

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 14:02

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 13:42

That is rubbish. Giving an teenage grandchild a lift somewhere is entirely different to actually looking after young children.

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It not a lift.

Its changed form being a presence essentially a responsible adult in the home from the afternoon/evening overnight, without any cooking.
To being responsible for getting them to and from an audition, waiting around while the audition is going which might get in the way of whatever they had planned for the day.

I don't necessarily think they're in the right, but they have been very clear about their boundaries, so it's not an unsurprising response from them.

Also it sucks when you agree to do something with limits and then people try to extend those limits usually at the last minute so you're strong armed into it, due obligation.

BruFord · 05/03/2024 14:03

I honestly think that your parents and my in-laws could be clones, they’re so similar! Gave their children a fab childhood, v. involved, but have scarcely any interest in their grandchildren. Although my in-laws liked them as babies, then disappeared as soon as they started talking and expressing opinions. 😂

It’s possible, however, that this weekend may spark their interest when they realize that your teenagers are now interesting people who don’t really need looking after. That happened with mine a couple of years ago, they found that DD (18) and DS (15) could make conversation and now seem to want more contact! Sadly, I think they’ve missed the boat, because the children don’t feel much connection to them. DD is v. aware that her friends’ GP’s behaved v. differently and she can’t really be bothered with them beyond polite conversation.

Ahugga · 05/03/2024 14:14

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 14:02

It not a lift.

Its changed form being a presence essentially a responsible adult in the home from the afternoon/evening overnight, without any cooking.
To being responsible for getting them to and from an audition, waiting around while the audition is going which might get in the way of whatever they had planned for the day.

I don't necessarily think they're in the right, but they have been very clear about their boundaries, so it's not an unsurprising response from them.

Also it sucks when you agree to do something with limits and then people try to extend those limits usually at the last minute so you're strong armed into it, due obligation.

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I find it so bizarre that you can defend such selfish behavior. It's a one off. Asking for an occasional favour is not "strong arming" anyone into anything.
Complete lack of effort is not " boundaries". It's just self absorption.

Mischance · 05/03/2024 14:21

When mine were young we had no family nearby, so we had to plan accordingly. You need to do the same.

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 14:29

It does sound like they were putting on a bit of an act when you were children and perhaps don't really care about you or anyone except themselves, I'm afraid. I have adult children and they are still my children who I care about. I can't imagine not doing them a pretty easy favour and I can't imagine not being interested in their children when they have them. That's generally the way families work. It won't be long before the tables will turn and your children can drive but they can't. My adult children and nephews and nieces have occasionally given my elderly parents a lift somewhere but I doubt your children will want to!

wombat15 · 05/03/2024 14:31

beAsensible1 · 05/03/2024 14:02

It not a lift.

Its changed form being a presence essentially a responsible adult in the home from the afternoon/evening overnight, without any cooking.
To being responsible for getting them to and from an audition, waiting around while the audition is going which might get in the way of whatever they had planned for the day.

I don't necessarily think they're in the right, but they have been very clear about their boundaries, so it's not an unsurprising response from them.

Also it sucks when you agree to do something with limits and then people try to extend those limits usually at the last minute so you're strong armed into it, due obligation.

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Taking them to and from an audition is just giving them a lift.

ItsAllAboutTheDosh · 05/03/2024 14:38

So you all think the parents are lying when they say they are too old to drive across town?
You think their driving ability is better than they are stating?

ItsAllAboutTheDosh · 05/03/2024 14:40

And personally I loved young children when younger. I could play make believe games for hours. Now I have changed and I no longer enjoy those kind of things. I do not have grandchildren, and will babysit if needed, but I know I will not be the same with my grandchildren as my own children.
People change over 30 to 40 years. The idea that if you enjoyed doing something 30 years ago you will enjoy doing it now is frankly bizarre.