Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

Gosh what a weird attitude from them. There’s not babysitting and then there’s refusing to have any part of your grandchildren’s lives.

Could you call some taxi firms and do a test run with your son, and request the same driver on audition day? Then the driver won’t be a stranger as such and your son will know exactly what to expect on the day. I can’t believe your parents though – I’d do this for a friend, let alone family!

I think they are being selfish OP. If they are OK to drive around at their age why on earth can't they help their own grandchild? Can they not give up half a day of their weekend? I would do this for a friend, let alone for a future grandchild.

My parents and in-laws are pretty rubbish too. The kids don't really have a bond with either set. Sad really. I'm not doing any care for my parents. I refuse to, beyond just admin/shopping etc. They had decades of retirement, going holiday after holiday, but didn't manage to form any kind of bond with the GCs. But they think they have been fantastic GPs. Yeah, right!

OP knows it is her responsibility but that doesn't mean her parents aren't being selfish for not doing her a favour once in 20 years.

I am actually wondering if you are my friend. Her parents sound very similar.

You mention your daughter has plans with her boyfriend. Can she change these to another weekend?
Would your son be ok in a taxi if the 14 year old was with him?
Is there a friend or neighbour who could help out?
Is he a member of a theatre group etc and someone else would be attending the audition.
You mention that your dh family is small but have they been asked to help?

Worse comes to worse your son can get to the audition via a long bus ride. If he really wants to go to that audition then he will be willing to do it.

The reality is that you cannot trust your parents and to be honest I suspect something will crop up before you go or while you are travelling there (even without the audition) and they will pull out. You and your dh need to come up with a back up plan. Sleepovers at friends, another family member on standby or your daughter changing her plans.

I havent read the whole thread, but if they won't do it you can't make them. It is strange and selfish of them I agree. Maybe they find your son difficult to manage? I think personally I would put myself first and go on the weekend away. With kids there is always sometohing which will get in the way. Offer your son a taxi to and from the audition, perhaps with your other son accompanying him so he's not alone. If he wont budge on that (I do understand as have autistic step son, and ADHD son) then he has to deal with the consequences and miss the audition. I am a believer of pushing kids out of their comfornt zones at times, even with diagnosed conditions. Not a popular opinion i'm sure.

I think because they literally don't have to do anything and can go out all day walking if they want to , sit and watch films all day, do crosswords all day.

So? They’re retired.

In the nicest way possible, they told you this sixteen years ago. You chose to have children knowing you wouldn’t have their support on babysitting. You can’t try and move goalposts 16 years later.

TBH if at 16 your elders is relatively smart, I’d just leave them.

I think people are missing the bigger picture here. These arent just grandparents who dont want to babysit (which is fair enough in my book). They are grandparents who dont seem to want a relationship of any kind with their grandchildren. They have a 5 year old grandchild they have never seen!

I don't think i could have them in my life much if they saw my kids as nothing but an emcumbrance. I would not prioritise using my alone time to see them, and i would not expose my kids to their indifference. The relationship would just fizzle out.

They sound like a pair of selfish idiots.Very hurtful.
Move your weekend away though so you can take your son to the audition....ge will get a boist from it.

There aren't any debts to be repaid really though some feel a level of responsibility/ it's out of love. But the one definite is that childcare is up to parents. Emotional support and support through rough times, and fun times are part of a relationship with adult children.

You are totally not being unreasonable. You asked them to look after kids. Something come up and you needed that wee bit extra and they just couldn’t say that’s ok you go on and have fun and don’t worry. My parents are in mid seventies, fit as fiddles and we have kids who are the same age. They would do anything for them. I find your post really sad that they couldn’t go the extra “6 miles” for you. I would def remember that when they are old and need help🥲 I don’t even know you but if I lived near you I would take him myself. And what’s wrong with everyone saying you are being unreasonable 🥲🥲🥲

It doesn't sound great - but they are who they are, and you have to accept that and plan your child care with them not in the picture.

People, family, friends are not always as we might wish them to be, but that is simply a fact of life.

Rather than trying to get them to help out and then feeling resentful when they don't, why not just assume that they will not do it (and you know they won't) and use others instead?

@Dontforgetthesalamander

op says her parents gave her an excellent childhood - does that count for nothing?

It's definitely not being a martyr it's taking responsibility and not expecting other people to care for my children.
Grandparents are not responsible for their grandchildren, their parents are. OP called her parents selfish for not putting their grandchildren first that is very unfair. That is their parents responsibility.

Some grandparents would jump at this. Shame yours don't. A real shame. 70 is not ancient these days. You will get voted as U here, but I feel your exasperation, they sound obstructively obstinate

You've said throughout OP that your parents were totally upfront with both you and your brother and they haven't deviated from that position, not a bit.

You say they were great parents so why is there still some sort of inference from you that they must do more with your children and look after them? You and your husband don't need childcare often so why haven't you fixed something up - with somebody else- well in advance, maybe at the time you were booking your break? You knew the ages of your children then and you've given yourself no contingency other than relying on your parents who you know, do not want to do this.

Imagine that, leaving your children in the care of people who do not want to be there? That is ridiculous and I don't understand yours and your husband's position one bit. Why would you do that to your children, first and foremost?

I also don't understand your thread premise. Absolutely foreseeable situation has come to pass and you are cross about it because the people you were determined to rely on, do not want to and were upfront about this eons ago.

All of this is on you.

@bogbabe 70 can be ancient. Plenty of people die by 70 or are seriously ill. I know OPs parents are not in that position, but making such broad statements is a bit stupid.

They may have been great parents but have they ever wondered what their grandchildren might think of them? They aren't going to have any good memories of them by the sounds of it.
I don't think you are bu @harveyluna789 and it is such a shame your parents won't help this one time. Are they worried by helping this time they'll be asked again and it used against them?
My dad is mid 70s and still drives my nephew to football matches at the weekends and recently helped my niece when she was working late shifts over Christmas. Obviously not all 70 + year old are like this but from what you have said yours are.
Are you in contact with them much? Do they ever ask for your help with things, or are they just focused on their life together? It's sad they are so disinterested in their grandkids though.

I had one set of grandparents who were involved, and another who were not. It really does not matter to the grandchildren. What matters most is their parents. Involved grandparents are an extra.
And OP is being a bit dramatic. She can move her break. Instead she is talking as if this is her only chance ever to get away.

Nobody has said that they are responsible but just because they don't have to do the favour doesn't mean they are not selfish to refuse given they have only been asked once in 30 odd years.

@wombat15 they have said they are too old to drive across town. Maybe they are right?
Everyone is assuming they are lying rather than being truthful about their limitations.

I think they’re really selfish!

if they didn’t want to look after the kids regularly growing up - fair enough. But not doing occasional babysitting to help you out and give you a little break is just mean .

I’d cancel my weekend for my son but I’d remember this. They’re aging. The time will come when they will need you - I hope at that point you’re “done” with helping out family ;)

@Jollyhockeysticks1985

i wonder how you would feel in 30 years from now if your offspring were to abandon you in old because you didn’t provide the level of support to your grandchildren that they see fit?

You just need to make the best of the situation. Many people need to get buy without grandparent involvement. Its entirely up to your parents just how much or little they are involved in your and your children's lives.

The posters who bang on about grandparents aging and they should expect nothing... what on earth do you sound like? I expect they'd still have their hand out for an inheritance. Utterly crass.

I would not want or expect my children or grandchildren to care for me in my old age, I have made provision for that myself.

What planet do some people live on where grandparents can be entirely indifferent for decades, and you still want to run around after them in old age? Are any of you actually speaking from experience? Have you actually been the parents with no offers of babysitting ever and then gone on to provide actual care and support? I just don't buy it.