Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

[harveyluna789]

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP, can you please explain why your DHs family can’t help, or anyone else in your own family? 30 miles is nothing.

I think your parents are being a bit arsey. No grandparent needs to become automatic childcare in place or nursery or be on beck and call every weekend. But you'd like to think that they would want to see their GC!

Sorry I read your updates but not the whole thread. For your sons audition could someone go in the taxi with him? Maybe the 14 yr old? Is there anywhere interesting they could spend an hour while waiting for big bro?

A 16 year old does not need a babysitter.

The fact you said he can travel on 3 busses alone obviously means the autism isn't really an issue but an excuse. My DS is 15 and autistic but highly functional and very capable so I could easily leave him alone without issue if needed (he would lie in bed and game the whole time, probably smell like teen boy BO when we get back but otherwise be absoloutly fine) but he would really struggle with coordinate catching 3 busses over 3 hours like that.

That only really leaves the 14 year old in question and they are probably far more capable than you assume.

I don't really know why you think you can force someone else to look after your kids. Sounds like they have been very clear on this, your not 'owed' babysitting.

I actually think the exact opposite... I think we are more entitled as a generation and expect far more.

I never knew of ANY parents that went on holiday without their kids when I was young, it was unheard but our generation think its a right we are entitled too.

I can also count on one hand the amount of times I was babysat by grandparents and I had a disabled single mother who did everything alone and young healthy grandparents.

YABU.

Your parents made their own boundaries clear and you seem determined to try trample all over them.

Natural consequences.

If they don't want to put the effort into nurturing relationships with their family when times are good, they can't expect the family to be there when they need care. They can use some of their holiday money to pay for it.

Personally, we will be putting our limited resources into our children and not FIL if he ever comes crawling back into our lives. He's made his choice, your parents have made their choice - to look after number 1. They can hardly complain when you do the same.

go on your break. there will be many more auditions.

OP do you have any trusted family friends who your son could go in the car with (either driving or they accompany him by taxi), maybe in exchange for you doing a favour later, or paying them? I understand with sensory issues this will be a challenge, but are there any services in your area for SEN children who could help, eg by meeting the driver or seeing the car beforehand, or finding a taxi that uses a car model your son is used to? Or could you contact the place where the audition is and ask for a video audition or a different date as a reasonable accommodation?
Sorry if you've looked into these solutions, but try to separate your issue of frustration at your lack of parental support, and the practical issue of getting your son to the audition and having your break.
Do your parents enjoy spending time with GC when they're not solely in charge?

Going against the grain here, but... just let your son miss the audition. Unless it's for something lifechanging, like a college course. He would have missed it if you were all on holiday for the weekend.

It sounds like you've been putting your children first for 16 years with no outside support. Put yourselves first for one weekend.

If I was your friend in this scenario I would be happy to help you. I wouldn't want to child sit for a weekend but I would certainly be prepared to either drive DS there or go with him in a taxi.

Do you have any other family friends you could ask ?

What about paying the eldest to go in a taxi with the youngest (sorry if that's been suggested before)

Hi op, a few observations.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be disappointed about your parents' lack of support. I know some will say you shouldn't depend on babysitting help from family, and that they're your responsibility, but I wouldn't be particularly happy in a family that didn't support each other in this way occasionally (accepting that 'occasionally' is very different to 'frequent and routine'). My own parents have never been childcare doormats, but they're always delighted to spend time with their grandchildren. And the vast majority of the grandparents I know feel the same.

But I think expecting them to run your children around during your weekend away is too much. My parents have done occadional school runs, but we all acknowledged that was far from ideal and tried to plan around it. Had my parents not been willing, we'd have sourced an alternative.

At 16 and 14 I might consider them old enough to be left alone. Would your parents agree to be on standby, in their own home, for emergencies only while you're away? You will either need to make alternative arrangements for your son's audition, he takes the bus, or cancels.

On the more general point of not having time alone with your dh, I totally agree that you need that but it doesn't have to be whole weekends away. I really think your children are old enough to be left while you have some evenings out together on a fairly frequent basis. Do you have evening meals out together or similar? Ds is 13yo and we've just begun leaving him for a couple of hours (with our 7yo once she's in bed) while we have a meal together very locally (5 minute walk).

Might it be that the GP are worried if they do favours for one of their kids it will piss off the other.

YABU

They told you early on their stance and as disheartening as it is you should have accepted their answer and left them to their own devices. By their logic, you don’t have to put up with them either, do any favours, and can do what you want, giving them the same support and treatment as they have given you in regards to your children.

Expecting them to change was foolish as is wanting their support knowing their feelings. Did you consider the effect that could/would have on your children? Having grandparents that don’t really want to spend time with you and have to be begged to do so is not good for any child to experience.

Once finding out about the audition, you should have looked into other support. Hopefully the boyfriend’s mum can help.

I think most people do care for elderly parents actually. Elderly people often require a huge amount of help beyond personal care.

Consequences isn't it. You opt out of a reciprocal relationship for 30 years, don't be surprised when your kids opt out too.

I don't understand how you've gone through 16 years of parenting without acquiring a mutual support network that doesn't include your parents!

Your DH's parents are only 30 miles away.
Your children have local friends and you've formed friendships with some of them over all these years surely?

You never hired a babysitter for nights out?

OP's parents have never been active in her children's lives just as they said they wouldn't, but they are not the only option are they!?

If they are how come?

Either your son gets to the audition himself, or he doesn't go. There will be other auditions.

I don't think the reciprocal arrangement or ' deal' is that GP need to look after their GC or their children Dutch them out of spite, the reciprocal deal has always been , my parents brought me up and looked after me as a child, I help them as an adult.

I personally think it's a bit selfish and one weekend won't harm them.

In my situation, my DM's parents (who were divorced and both remarried) rarely had me and DB to stay, probably down to my DM's choice rather than theirs, but my nana (DM's DM) always said 'I'm not doing babysitting' when both my DM and her DSis had DC. My DM when she divorced my DF cut contact with his parents so we couldn't even have childcare there and my stepdad's parents live abroad. It's good for children to stay with grandparents or have grandparents stay with them and give parents a break.

According to who? Why shouldn't there be a level of reciprocity throughout an adult relationship? Parenting is not a debt that has to be repaid...

But they literally raised her from birth, so that doesn't really work does it.

Also, I think we all now assume/know if end of life care is required that would often need to be provided by a facility for various reasons and not expected of a child who would be working/raising children.

Bribing your elderly parents to care for your autistic child, by threatening not to care for them in their final years is messed up.

I am a bit boggled by their intransigence, but I am equally boggled by your attitude of just presenting it as fait accompli, if I was them it would make me even more intransigent.

As my single DD would say - your children, your responsibility.

They sound very odd. How can they go from being great parents to - zero!

I am rereading this and I wonder if their reticence is because they don't want to drive in town, rather than they couldn't be bothered. My DPs are horrified by the mere thought of taxis existing so they wouldn't be supportive of a trip involving them, so that may be the other bit.

I hope your workaround works out.