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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting parents to help out so me and DH can have a weekend away

663 replies

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 19:20

When I became pregnant with my first child my parents said they would never babysit as they finally have a life now after child rearing for 20 years - I took it with a bit of jest and thought that maybe when the baby was born they would change their mind but no - they have babysat once for a few hours about 10 yrs ago. Myself and DH are desperate for a child free weekend and don't feel our kids are quite old enough to stay on their own (16 and 14) so we have begged my parents to stay over and just to be a presence in the house and have asked to take my son to an audition 6 miles away(they are in their 70's) but very fit. They go on city breaks and travel all the time - hence the lack of babysitting. My son is autistic and if really pushed he could get to the audition by getting three buses but it would take him 3 hours. He refuses to get a taxi as the whole concept of getting in a car with a stranger freaks him out.There excuse is they are too old to drive him to the other side of town and he will just have to miss it or we don't go on our break!

AIBU to think just put your grandchild first for once? Or do I have to cancel our break so that my son can attend his audition?

I feel so guilty now for even contemplating a weekend away but I really feel me and my DH need this as we have never spent a child free night and possibly I think even a day and we just need a bit of reconnecting time.

OP posts:

Poinsettiasarevile · 05/03/2024 07:27

I have just re read your messages, and actually i am thinking how odd it would be for your kids to have your parents 'look after' them for the weekend.
They have little to no relationship i assume. Your parents refuse to cook for them, or take them anywhere. They may as well be a couple of strangers who don't give a shit about your kids. In your kids shoes i would find it so uncomfortable to have them in my home.

They will see how other grandparents are, and they will totally understand just how different it is for them. Have you ever spoken to them about how their GPs are? How do they feel about it?

Their attitude would make me question the entire basis of my childhood. The only explanation i can muster for their stance is that they gave everything to giving you the 'perfect' childhood but resented every second of it and couldn't wait for it to be to be over so they could be free.

Poppybob · 05/03/2024 07:28

Tbh .....I think this generation of grandparents are so selfish. I bet they had help from their parents when you were younger. It's their GC?!?!? Members of their family!?!? I understand not babysitting on a regular basis but once every so often its really not a big deal. When they are older who do your parents expect to help/look after them in their old age.

swayingpalmtree · 05/03/2024 07:30

This. I would find this to be really hurtful. It's one thing if you were always asking them but once in 10 years and they won't?- I'd do that for one of my friends let alone one of my children.

I agree with PP- don't feel any obligation to help them out in later life when they need it. After all, its your time to relax now isnt it?

Dontforgetthesalamander · 05/03/2024 07:33

harveyluna789 · 04/03/2024 21:04

They were great parents maybe too great because they gave everything up for us - we had a fab childhood and that's why they won't look after the grandchildren now because they did children for 20 yrs and they really (more my mum tbh) can't bear to be around children - they only see or stay with my brother when he doesn't have his kids otherwise they end up having to watch football play board games or be bored out of their brain talking about Lilo and Stitch!!!!! They were completely upfront with both of us when we had children and they haven't swayed from it one iota!!! My brothers kids are 8, 7and 5 and theyv'e probably only seen the 5 yr old once. They worked very very hard to make enough money to have a fab retirement with lots of travelling and socialising with friends and although they are very happy to see me and my brother and socialise with us it is only if kids are not involved.

They sound like very selfish people. That's their flesh and blood.

My FIL is the same and eventually he stopped talking to us at all because it was like he just couldn't be bothered with any of his children/gc anymore. We never asked him for anything at all, certainly not any requests for babysitting, he just ... Slowly disappeared from our lives. He has 3 grandchildren he's never met at all. It's been about 7 years now since we last had anything to do with him - my dh and his siblings really struggled with wondering why their dad didn't want a relationship with them like other people have with theirs. He's just a selfish prick, like your parents are.

Fuck him if he ever crawled back into our lives!

Scarletttulips · 05/03/2024 07:35

Tbh .....I think this generation of grandparents are so selfish

What the first generation of woman who were told they could have it all, and promptly worked full time, had 3 kids, and did all the housework and admin? Gosh - their selfishness shines through!

I mean their parents, had one wage brought a big house had 3 kids and had a SAHP for life. Giving up their time to volunteer in hospitals and help the elderly in their families and communities.

🤷‍♀️

Dontforgetthesalamander · 05/03/2024 07:35

GardeningIsNotMe · 05/03/2024 05:37

If your parents spend time looking after your D.C. for you to go out/holiday abroad, how long will if be before your brother demands she looks after his D.C. for him and his wife to go out/holiday abroad?

This is the problem. Once grandparents care for their first gc they are expected to look after all the gc. If they do it for one to help out they feel obliged to agree to do it for the others, to keep the peace.

I was in my 40’s when my eldest dd had her DS. I helped out by having him for her to go back to work, until he went to school. I did the same for her DD. Then my second dd had her dc. I was in my 50’s. I had her 3 dc for her to work. Then my DS had his dc. I was 60 and had already spent over 10 years entertaining, feeding and caring for children every day. He expected me to have his dc now -“You had A and B’s children….”. Im now fast approaching 70. I am still required to collect at least one of the dc from school if they are ill or have them after school and feed them because one or other of their parents will be late home from work. During school holidays I’ve had all 7 of them. I sat down and cried every evening when they went home, through sheer exhaustion!

I have told them that once I hit my 70th birthday I will be removing myself from child care duties. I have missed out on so much that my friends were able to do. Now it’s time for me.

The problem with helping out with child care is dc take the piss!

Providing regular childcare for 20 years isn't the same as one weekend in 16 years though.

swayingpalmtree · 05/03/2024 07:36

Oh well they can reap the rewards in their old age when they have nobody to look after them, help them, accompany them to appointments etc

I agree, but you'll get some furious reactions on here if you say this. "It's not supposed to be transactional!" etc, etc

Yup. But all relationships are based on reciprocity- otherwise they're just one person taking advantage of another. Noone would stay friends with someone who was never ever there for them despite offering them constant support. Nor would you stay in a relationship whereby you did everything and the other person did nothing. It shows a complete lack of care and love for the other person. It literally shows that they don't value you.

Their decision is up to them, but I'd be making it clear to them when they get old that I won't be helping them out.

unbelievablescenes · 05/03/2024 07:38

Your parents are, frankly, arseholes. Aside from the fact he's their grandson, I would take any young boy struggling for a lift to an audition across town to get there. Like even a friend of a friends kid that I barely knew, so why they have no inclination to help their own grandson is beyond me. Ask around, someone will take him. And keep these people away from your children after your holiday, their attitude will be damaging. Unbelievable! And I don't think they owe you babysitting, it's deeply selfish they don't want to, and they want nothing to do with your children.

CraftyTaupeOtter · 05/03/2024 07:40

Dontforgetthesalamander · 05/03/2024 07:35

Providing regular childcare for 20 years isn't the same as one weekend in 16 years though.

Show quote history

You think there would have been other weekend requests though. What is so special about this particular weekend over any others? They've agreed to be there, the audition just needs to be sorted separately. Even though they won't cook and things, which is odd, they probably feel like they are compromising, given their original statement about not doing any care at all. Have they stayed before when there wasn't an audition? Maybe they feel they do give a little?

firstfamhol · 05/03/2024 07:40

Would your son be uncomfortable in a taxi if he was accompanied by his sister rather than on his own? (And and her boyfriend if it meant they could potter about while the audition was on?). Or if it’s the grandparents excuse that they are too old to drive, accompanying him in a taxi is a different matter if they aren’t driving?

MyFirstLittlePony · 05/03/2024 07:51

It is weird they won't help but it also weird that you expect your parents to change

They won't change!

So get the older sibling to go with the younger one if they cannot travel alone, or ask a friend.

Or let the younger one get the bus/walk

We l I've rurally and my SEN boy often walked the 5 miles into town, or waited patiently for the bus, is that really not an option for your DS?

Go and enjoy the trip and let be what will be

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2024 08:00

Scaffoldingisugly · 04/03/2024 19:37

If looking after dc isn't their bag never make looking after oldies yours...

@Scaffoldingisugly

most people do not care for their elderly parents regardless of whether or not they provided childcare to grandchildren.

I hate this weird mumsnet idea that any care you provide your parents is contingent on how much they do for your own offspring.

swayingpalmtree · 05/03/2024 08:02

most people do not care for their elderly parents regardless of whether or not they provided childcare to grandchildren

I dont think people are referring to being full time carers 24/7, they are referring to little tasks such as taking them shopping, helping with life admin, taking them to doctors appointments, helping to arrange a cleaner etc etc Lots of people DO do those things, I did them myself- thats very common.

OP would be perfectly reasonable to say no to those things. Why do the GP get to choose their life but the OP does not?

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2024 08:03

Agree with other posters DO NOT MISS your holiday!

your son can get the bus - take his headphones to listen to music, a book whatever.

Poinsettiasarevile · 05/03/2024 08:03

I think this is different. I would struggle to maintain a relationship with my parents if they showed such disregard for my kids. I would end up resenting every minute i spent caring for them as much as they clearly resented bringing up their children. I dont think i could do it.

Katbum · 05/03/2024 08:04

I don’t think you should be prioritising your son’s audition here. If it really is that important, reschedule your trip. That’s it. Those are the choices. Your parents have been very clear about their boundaries. Now, they don’t sound particularly great grandparents, but you knew that.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 08:13

PeloMom · 05/03/2024 00:43

I don’t think your parents are selfish or anything- they’ve set very clear boundaries from the very beginning. The situation isn’t an emergency either. When the audition came up you should have decided - is it an option since you’re away or not. It’s ok to say ‘no’ to your son if the break is so important to you. Also, I don’t see why you should blame your parents for not getting couples time- it’s on you to build your support network (paid or otherwise) and you’ve had plenty of time for that. If your parents lived abroad what would you do? Do that.

I assume you've never had any help at all with children (if you have them)?

Totallyfried · 05/03/2024 08:13

OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I can’t fathom how grandparents do not want to be an active part of their grandchildren’s lives. I do understand both ends, as my parents cannot do enough for my DC. My DM has never missed a school event, she’s always rearranged work and gone out of her way to because she wants to. She collects from school twice a week, and my DF does once a week. They offered, they literally bend over backwards (without being asked) to spend time with their grandchildren. However in laws told me when I was pregnant they wouldn’t be able to look after DGC as it was their time to enjoy their lives. Which is also fine. They haven’t looked after DGC once, It’s just strange having two totally opposite sets of grandparents. I cannot thank my parents enough for being such wonderful grandparents. You and your husband have done amazing without any support! I hope you manage to find a solution to get your well deserved break x

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 08:15

ItsAllAboutTheDosh · 05/03/2024 00:51

Maybe they are too old to drive to the other side of town. I know by that age my father would only drive familiar routes as he found new routes too difficult.

They're not too old

They drive all over the place

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 08:15

thebestinterest · 05/03/2024 02:31

Sounds like he’ll need to miss the audition then! If he can’t bring himself to it??? I mean, he’s a teenager! How on earth is he going to attend to worldly affairs if he can’t do that one simple thing???

Show quote history

You missed the part of him being autistic then?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 08:17

Nextweektoo · 05/03/2024 04:42

YABU to not write them off as grandparents. Time to leave them alone and let them get on with their lives. Make other plans.

They've written themselves off

Have you read the post about their attitude towards ALL the GC, not just the OP's?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 08:18

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/03/2024 08:00

@Scaffoldingisugly

most people do not care for their elderly parents regardless of whether or not they provided childcare to grandchildren.

I hate this weird mumsnet idea that any care you provide your parents is contingent on how much they do for your own offspring.

Show quote history

It should be contingent on how much they care though

Erdinger · 05/03/2024 08:20

Pay them the taxi fare to attend the audition with your son so he isn’t alone with a stranger in a taxi and they don’t have to drive . Or ask friends who may be attending the audition to pick / drop him off.

CraftyTaupeOtter · 05/03/2024 08:26

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 08:18

It should be contingent on how much they care though

Show quote history

With regard to individual circumstances I think. Not everyone can care as much as they might want to. My parents were working full time and needed weekends for some down time. Not that they didn't visit and, yes, I know families where the grandparents worked full time and still did regular babysitting stints, but that wasn't my parents. They weren't independently wealthy so had to work.

Poppybob · 05/03/2024 08:29

Scarletttulips · 05/03/2024 07:35

Tbh .....I think this generation of grandparents are so selfish

What the first generation of woman who were told they could have it all, and promptly worked full time, had 3 kids, and did all the housework and admin? Gosh - their selfishness shines through!

I mean their parents, had one wage brought a big house had 3 kids and had a SAHP for life. Giving up their time to volunteer in hospitals and help the elderly in their families and communities.

🤷‍♀️

In probably shouldn't have generalized a whole generation of GP 🤣🤣 so apologies for this comment. But I was only going off the experiences of mine and my friends who's parents are very reluctant/don't babysit at all. I remember always literally being at my grans while my mum/dad worked/went out....but they don't watch our DC .......I know it shouldn't be transactional but it feels very selfish.

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