What to do about new estate we’ve moved to?

[Applepastry]

We’ve recently moved to a new build estate. It’s directly next door to a council estate (no issues with this as my mum was brought up on one and lots of my friends were and are from council estates. Everyone seems friendly enough.
My main concern is that all the kids play out in the street, I totally understand with the ones who are 7 or 8 +
However there are 4 and 5 year olds playing out alone, without any adult supervision at all. My DS is 5 and he doesn’t have older siblings. These children will often come and knock for him and he asks to play out with them when he sees them all out on the street. I have been going out with him, but he asks why I have to go, when none of the other parents do.
They all wander up towards the park which is around a corner and you can’t see it from the estate. When I’ve been up there, it extends quite far and joins on a stream and woodland. I’m not comfortable with my 5 year old going up there out of my sight.
Other parents don’t seem bothered and just say “Oh I wonder where G is…he must be at the park”

I’m not a helicopter parent, but AIBU about 4 and 5 year olds (one was 3) being out in the streets by themselves? Some wandering in and out of other houses and into the road?

I just don’t know what to do about my DS as he’s keen to be accepted in this new area and wants to play out with them. He’ll definitely stand out with me or his dad hanging around.

@Hedgerow2 I know, the whole angle of 'council estate kids' v what exactly? They are just your neighbours. How do you even know whether it's all council, private rent, shared ownership?

I'd say you could give him a time limit, like 'you can go to the park with X y z but only for half an hour. If you are late then we know you're not ready yet so you'll have to wait till your a bit bigger.'

Do you know the mums of the older ones? Do any of the older ones have phones? You could ask their mum to give the number of them and the kid as it's his first time going out alone etc.

Going against the grain but I do and I’m certainly not a shit parent.

I live on a council estate and my son has been playing out since 6. At first he had boundaries that he was only allowed within 2 lamp posts that I could see and now he’s 8.

All he does is kick a football around or rides round on his bike as we have a dead end opposite. We’re not on a main road, he’s only allowed on our street, from which I can see from my bay window and there’s a massive group of them that all play out together in summer or play in each others back gardens. We’re a friendly street, all know each other and often neighbours will ask if I can watch kids whilst they nip to the shop round the corner. He’s to tell me if he’s going anywhere else on the street where I can’t see, like a neighbours back garden or his friend a few doors down as he often goes into my neighbours house to sit and watch her son play Xbox. He’s never broken boundaries and if he did, I wouldn’t let him out. We’re all friends down here though so it’s not like others are total strangers

Yanbu op. You need to explain to him when he's at home why its not safe.

We live in a street that's similar. Sometimes parents supervise, sometimes mostly don't. But honestly I wouldn't dream of leaving a 5yo unsupervised outside. You don't have to get involved in their play but you do need to make sure they're safe.

Not sure what you’re getting out of this but you are welcome to have the last word. I won’t be responding to you any further.

@pensione fucking hooray!!!! 🙌

More ATD needed in future!

With your background and experience , when do you recommend that it is OK for children to go out of sight from their homes, e.g. within a 5 minute walking boundary say? Thanks. I assume it does also vary child to child depending on how street smart they are?

There's a couple of children in our area, mobile phones on them since they were 5, out and about unsupervised, poor little street urchins. Parents don't care where they are as long as they aren't anywhere near them!

OP, I have only just (in past few months) allowed my DD (Y6 primary) to walk to the park with her friend (not alone). This is only during broad daylight and she has to be home by a set time. I don't allow her to play out on the road by our house, as we live on a bend (and vehicles travel at speed along this road). Other kids (often very young) do play out on this road and I worry that they will get hit by a car. Another reason, I don't let DD (or DS when he was younger) play out with the other kids who live on the street is the language that I hear the kids use.

Instead, I arrange for DD's friends to come over so they can play together safely in the garden, or walk to the park (assuming her friend's parents are happy with this). Or she goes over to her friends' places.

I played out as a kid, but this was overseas, and we lived in a gated compound, so it was very safe!

Christ no. Just stand by your parenting style op. It’s unlikely to be the only difference so you may as well start now.

This happens where we live, we had to be firm with our dd thatshe wasn't going to be out unsupervised. We let her play on the dor step with a blanket and toys. The other kids come and go, she did complain about it but is now used to not being allowed.
Wouldn't recommend the open house, we tried and they wrecked her toys and room and ate us out of ice pops and drinks!

YANBU. The lack of adequate parenting for many children of today is staggering. There is no way on this earth that I could allow my children if they are that young to be out playing alone and unsupervised. It’s beyond dangerous and unthinkable.

I would let him play outside the house where I could see him.

When I was a kid I played out on my own at 5, with older siblings.
I think these days it’s more damaging keeping them in playing with screens. Obesity will kill more of these inactive children than any perceived threats from the outside world.

Id let me 7 year old go out with his older sibling to play.

Apart from traffic what else has actually
changed?

Forget the other kids, just think about your child. You can't do anything about their parenting choices so matter of allowing your child out or more play dates at home so he doesn't bother as much.

There will always be things other children are allowed to do that you are not comfortable with, so learning to deal with feeling sorry your ds is missing out but sticking to your boundaries is something you will have to get used to. I joke to my children "it's because I love you more" (they are a bit older though).

My youngest was out playing at 6 as safe for us. Highly recommend a phone watch to call them and track them when you do decide it is right for you.

On a council estate people know their neighbours, the adults pop into each others' houses on a daily/very regular basis, kids all play out together daily, etc. It doesn't matter if it's literally council or private/shared ownership, it's the culture of that area. They may have a football at most, or entertain themselves in a field or woods every day, in a very unplanned and unstructured kind of way. The parents don't always have a car, or if they do they're trying to avoid using it or just have it for work. People tend to know each other because they live near each other.

On a new build non-council estate the kids are busy being shipped off to ballet class or performing arts or rugby or French club after school. They don't have time to play out and maybe know one or two neighbours to nod to in passing or wave at because they have kids at the same school. At weekends they are being shipped out to soft play, National Trust properties, birthday parties that involve ice skating, and overpriced local events. People tend to know each other through shared interests.

Neither option is better than the other, they both have pros and cons, it's just different micro cultures.

If your parenting approach is so wildly different from that of the other families (and I'm not saying that's a bad thing) it's probably best that those friendships don't develop anyway. Because you're going to run into differences every step of the way as they move through childhood and adolescence in particular. The sleepover requests will come next, how are you going to feel about that?

Agree that's a bit young, but it's heartening to know kids do still play outside. Won't be long before they're stuck in their bedrooms watching crap on the internet though.

When mine were that little, I used to sit outside when they played out to keep an eye on them. Sometimes I'd even bring a chair out. But the difference was other mums sat out too, so there was always at least one grown up usually two watching over the kids. We live in a close and they knew they weren't allowed beyond. I'd not be happy letting a 5 year old play out unsupervised especially if you are new to the area and haven't yet got a grasp of the potential risks.

YANBU

working in a school, if a 5 year old (or 6 or 7) told me that they were out unsupervised, or I just happened to see it myself i would report it for safeguarding.

I would NEVER let my 5 year old go to the park with woods and open water without a responsible much older person (in my mind im thinking at least senior school age sibling).... that what ifs? are too bad.

Far too young to be out of adult supervision. Don’t be swayed by what others think is ok for their children.

I've had a similar situation where I used to live.
You just need to be honest with your child and say " that's up to their parents but I think your too young". Or something similar.
There is no need to feel bad about it, you're the parent and what you say to your kid goes.

I know this is well-intentioned but the thought of asking the parents around here if they'd be up for a sandwich at the park is hilarious. Half of them aren't even in the house while the kids are out playing.

Before I got married and had children, I used to live in a cul-de-sac, in a big ex-council estate. Only half the houses in the cul-de-sac were now privately owned. All of the people in the council houses would boot their children out first thing in the morning and only call them in when it got dark at night. They never once checked on them, and some of these children were only 4yrs old. Same bunch of children, also caused damage to my house, smashed my front door glass, his mother couldn't give a shit and I was left £120 out of pocket.

I honestly think it's a council tenant type thing to do this. Honestly, the parents were awful, so neglectful, one even left her two year old in the house alone while she went to another house in the cul-de-sac to party and smoke drugs, she did have her child taken off her for that but got her back, her parenting didn't improve though.

I've never seen this happen outside of these areas though. I really do not mean my comment to come across as judgy - at all, I'm just describing my experience.

Wow

You don't want to cone across as just band never know it outside of council tenants?

Gave you heard about Madeline McCann?

*come access as judgy