What to do about new estate we’ve moved to?

[Applepastry]

We’ve recently moved to a new build estate. It’s directly next door to a council estate (no issues with this as my mum was brought up on one and lots of my friends were and are from council estates. Everyone seems friendly enough.
My main concern is that all the kids play out in the street, I totally understand with the ones who are 7 or 8 +
However there are 4 and 5 year olds playing out alone, without any adult supervision at all. My DS is 5 and he doesn’t have older siblings. These children will often come and knock for him and he asks to play out with them when he sees them all out on the street. I have been going out with him, but he asks why I have to go, when none of the other parents do.
They all wander up towards the park which is around a corner and you can’t see it from the estate. When I’ve been up there, it extends quite far and joins on a stream and woodland. I’m not comfortable with my 5 year old going up there out of my sight.
Other parents don’t seem bothered and just say “Oh I wonder where G is…he must be at the park”

I’m not a helicopter parent, but AIBU about 4 and 5 year olds (one was 3) being out in the streets by themselves? Some wandering in and out of other houses and into the road?

I just don’t know what to do about my DS as he’s keen to be accepted in this new area and wants to play out with them. He’ll definitely stand out with me or his dad hanging around.

I wouldn’t ket my young child play out of sight unsupervised. When we don’t allow our child to do things other children their are apparently are I just explain they are not my children and different families do things differently and different parents allow different things, then go on to point out how lucky they are to be able to do/have something else. I would probably try to suggest/facilitate safer alternatives and doing something to enagage with the children . Chalking could keep them entertained outside your window for a while! I would also try to meet the other parents.

Having grown up in council housing I’d definitely say it’s more common for kids to be allowed out to play on an estate. Maybe there is an illusion of it being more enclosed somehow? I still see it when I visit my relatives so it’s not just that it was long ago. I see kids of all ages going out and about, and to the park. Not something I’ve experienced now that I don’t live on an estate and have young kids. They are more likely just to have play dates etc. I didn’t take it as the OP being judgey.

I think middle class parents are just more likely to be over anxious.

OP, I live on a council estate and have always seen very young children out playing and it’s utterly disgraceful. I’ve done it this way since my eldest was 4-gone out with them. I often step back and allow the playing and don’t get involved-literally just there to make sure my child/ren is safe. Sometimes try to teach road safety to these children in hopes that helps keep them safe. I’ve spent many a summer in more recent years running round the neighbourhood playing hide and seek with a big group of kids so my own can join in and I know they’re safe. My youngest has SEN so even at 9 I supervise. It’s easier to do when they’re younger as they’re more accepting of it and if they push against it say it’s either I’m here or we’re both at home. It’s such a pain in the arse at times, the last thing you want to be doing after a long day is playing out with your kids 😂 but if it keeps them safe it’s worth it. I always make clear that I’m there solely for my child and I’m not the designated babysitter-not a bloody chance. Go for it OP.

@potato57 I don't see that anywhere I know but I live in London. My left ndn is in a council flat, my right ndn is in an 8 million mansion. We all live right next to eachother and share a communal space. No-one notices or cares what tenure your house is. All the kids play together normally.

round here 7/8 is the minimum age for this kind of thing but even then there are strict rules about where they can go- broadly the space between the various houses they live in. Younger than that for me it would be directly in front of the house where j can see them only.
on a sunny Sunday afternoon id take a chair out and try and supervise but otherwise it would be a no from me.

I just gave my own experience, same as others have done who share the same experience as me. As I said, I wasn't being judgemental, it's an observation, based on my own experience. One side of my family were brought up in one of the largest council estates in Europe for goodness sake.

Oh and a brand new estate with no kids , houses full of old people . Show me a brand new estate full of old people that's not assisted 😏. Yeh .

London isn't a representation of normality. Londoners only care about being able to complain they have a longer commute to work than anyone else while in the same breath saying they love overpaying for things and wouldn't dream of living anywhere else.

No dont give in. This is wrong, they are far too young. April Jones

@potato57 again, I'm not familiar with ever knowing people like you describe in 43 years of living in London. But glad you seem to have such a defined view of us all.

I wouldn’t be happy about it.

He’s far too young and vulnerable.

It's because when you're embedded in the bubble, you can't see outside the bubble, so you don't realise how it comes across to the outside world.

Op that's so difficult but I think you're doing the right thing by not letting him play out unsupervised. No way would I be comfortable with that.

Can you get him into some clubs etc and try to invest in friends from school etc? Have them found for playdates etc where you have more control.

I think it might be worth having an age appropriate conversation with your ds about how not every person is a good person and you're trying to keep him safe. Even the way older kids can play night be too much for a 5 year old really.

We have this in our street: park at the end, wild open space after it, big stream, and a group of families who let their just over one year olds be taken to the park by six year olds. They often stop to chat to the 'nice man' on the bench, who has tried to talk to me about hosting sex parties. I might be being judgey af but it shocks me.

Is it really that big of a deal? Goodness me

I agree op, that wouldn’t be happening. Just stick to your rules and be consistent. Sometimes your family rules are different to your friends’.

its Awkward if everyone else is more lax but not much you can do.

@potato57 why don't you tell me how I come across to the 'outside world'? You come across judgemental.

I don’t think it’s over anxious to have a modicum of intellect and understand kids below the ages of 8-10 generally do not have the capacity to be self sufficient enough to go out without adult supervision. It’s fine until something happens and then you’d have to think could that have been prevented if an adult was with them? Is it worth the risk. I’m sure parents who have lost kids or kids who have suffered trauma don’t think so.

Obviously that’s not limited to middle class parents anyway.

I grew up on a council estate and walked to and from school 2 miles away on my own from 6. My mother didn’t even get up in the morning. Do I think that was good grounding for making me resilient and capable. No it was bloody neglect. The worse thing was the massive ugly dog bigger than me which was always out on its own either chasing me or trying to hump me. I still didn’t let my DC play out until 11-12 and they have grown into adults perfecting capable of looking after themselves when out and about, travelling the world, living independently. They didn’t miss out on roaming the streets at nursery and primary school age.

Nowadays it’s probably less safe with the standards of driving, more parked cars on the road and more people owning big dogs they don’t bother to control.

Kids can wander off very quickly no matter how closely you think you’re watching them.

@WanderingAroundandAround there is a difference between neglect and over protection. Non SEN children are perfectly capable of being outside without an adult before 11/12 years of age.

Just say no to your DS OP. If he asks why tell him its your job to look after him and you can't do that unless you can see him at all times.

As a PP pointed out, it is very likely that you will parent your DS differently in many other ways so he might as well get used to it now. If he continues to run off and tell you that he wants to be on his own, then put a stop to any developing friendships and instead do what other people do and have supervised playdates and trips to the playground with kids from his school year.
And enrol him into some activities so he can run of some energy playing football, forest school - whatever.....

Statistically, the overall risk isn't 'beyond dangerous' but closer to 'rather unlikely any harm will result but still possible', and it's fine to go with best to be on the safe side.

I don't have kids but feel the same protectiveness about my outdoor cat. (It's fortunate he doesn't roam beyond the boundaries of my garden).

The far greater and imminent danger facing childrens' lives and futures is climate change. I do wonder why there isn't more anxiety expressed on this forum about it.

The far greater and imminent danger facing childrens' lives and futures is climate change. I do wonder why there isn't more anxiety expressed on this forum about it.

Probably because we are too busy worrying about the day to day issues we have with our children, let alone have time to worry about even more.

Obesity and mental health are bigger risks. Children need to free play with other children. Which is why I would allow him to play on the street where I can watch him from a window.

@Applepastry I had a friend {as an adult} who lived on an estate, and I'd not let my son go and play out in local fields with her son after going to check, and the older children {teens} had made a bonfire out of old mattresses and the older kids were urinating on to it.

Just nope.

I brought son home and that was the end of it.

Just not safe.

It seems to be a different culture on estates..maybe as everyone knows each other, but I noticed when my friend was offered a house swap to a different area she took it like a rocket.