Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
Toooldforthis36 · 04/03/2024 16:53

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 16:27

And thinking about it more, I honestly can't even see DSC wanting to go walking and everything else. They are more likely to want to chill by a pool and sleep in late. But as he's never been with them he won't know this I suppose!

100% right. He’ll get a shock if he thinks an 11 and 13 year old will thank him for a week of hillwalking starting at the crack of dawn.

What kind of a prize refuses to go on a holiday with his young children because he won’t have himself and his likes indulged 100% of the time? Giving me serious my-FIL vibes. And he’s a right arsehole.

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 04/03/2024 16:56

0 chance I’d go on holiday with my SC and leave our DC behind!!!
I wouldn’t even consider it and it wouldn’t be up for discussion.

Daisydoor12 · 04/03/2024 16:57

Personally I wouldn’t leave my 4 year old behind and I wouldn’t have left them last year for an “adult only” break but that’s just me.

I would be encouraging DH to take DSC away on his own and help anyway I could with organising etc. I don’t think holidaying with such age gaps between children is much fun. Not all parents enjoy holidaying with young children as it’s not necessarily a holiday just parenting in a different place and potentially harder than normal. I have a friend whose DD is 13 and DS 3 (full siblings) who will only go on a family holiday with DH if grandparents tag along for childcare of the DS or leave DS behind as it’s “not a holiday otherwise”. They always do active walking type holidays. When DD was younger the same happened.

Seaweed42 · 04/03/2024 17:01

"Well no, I don't want him to. I'm not going to pretend I'm ecstatic about him holidaying with DSC "

Why don't you want him doing things alone with the two older ones?

That'd be totally natural if all three of the kids were him and yours. One parent often does something with older kids then one of then looks after the littlest one, if there is a big age gap.

You can't have your cake and eat it. You can't object to him taking his own children on holidays (or days out). Now, I don't mean they go for a week in the sun and you go nowhere that year - I mean a night away camping or similar.

That's a bit controlling of you to be honest.

Because it seems to DH that you have to go along no matter who is going. So the only way he can take his own kids on holiday is to ask you to come with them. Because you won't allow him to go otherwise.

cassy16 · 04/03/2024 17:02

Simple just say “you guys go have a great time, and il stay home with our son” done.

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 04/03/2024 17:04

Seaweed42 · 04/03/2024 17:01

"Well no, I don't want him to. I'm not going to pretend I'm ecstatic about him holidaying with DSC "

Why don't you want him doing things alone with the two older ones?

That'd be totally natural if all three of the kids were him and yours. One parent often does something with older kids then one of then looks after the littlest one, if there is a big age gap.

You can't have your cake and eat it. You can't object to him taking his own children on holidays (or days out). Now, I don't mean they go for a week in the sun and you go nowhere that year - I mean a night away camping or similar.

That's a bit controlling of you to be honest.

Because it seems to DH that you have to go along no matter who is going. So the only way he can take his own kids on holiday is to ask you to come with them. Because you won't allow him to go otherwise.

She hasn’t once said she won’t allow him…. You are talking shit.

cassy16 · 04/03/2024 17:06

The only other thing I would say is we have had holidays with our children one is 16 the others are 1,3 and 6 and in all honesty when we weigh up the holiday at the end it turns out the holiday ends up being more about keeping the young ones constantly entertained, nap times getting them to bed at a reasonable time and either we all go along with it or either me or my husband do separate activities with the oldest anyway

Rosscameasdoody · 04/03/2024 17:12

Seaweed42 · 04/03/2024 17:01

"Well no, I don't want him to. I'm not going to pretend I'm ecstatic about him holidaying with DSC "

Why don't you want him doing things alone with the two older ones?

That'd be totally natural if all three of the kids were him and yours. One parent often does something with older kids then one of then looks after the littlest one, if there is a big age gap.

You can't have your cake and eat it. You can't object to him taking his own children on holidays (or days out). Now, I don't mean they go for a week in the sun and you go nowhere that year - I mean a night away camping or similar.

That's a bit controlling of you to be honest.

Because it seems to DH that you have to go along no matter who is going. So the only way he can take his own kids on holiday is to ask you to come with them. Because you won't allow him to go otherwise.

At no point has OP said she won’t allow him to go. And as for ‘You can't object to him taking his own children on holidays (or days out)’ I think it’s escaped your notice that the child he has with OP is his own. There are endless threads on MN castigating OPs for not treating DSC the same way as their own children. Why are you advocating it should be any different for a father ?

OneTC · 04/03/2024 17:12

Just go on holiday as a 5 somewhere that has walking and not walking, which is everywhere in the world.

Then some can walk and some can not walk and everyone goes on holiday and you have to manufacture drama some other way.

His idea is batshit too btw but surely what's outlined above is how most people holiday when there's more than 2 of you and you can do and like doing different things.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/03/2024 17:16

cassy16 · 04/03/2024 17:02

Simple just say “you guys go have a great time, and il stay home with our son” done.

It’s the father of the DSC who is advocating going on holiday with just ‘his children’. If it was the OP suggesting it, her name would be mud for not treating DSC as her own. Talk about double standards.

Xiaoxiong · 04/03/2024 17:16

cassy16 · 04/03/2024 17:02

Simple just say “you guys go have a great time, and il stay home with our son” done.

But then DH would have to do all the planning and admin and parenting, and that wouldn't be much of a holiday for him now would it, poor lamb.

If this was really about not wanting the younger child along, then he would be fine going on his own with his older two.

Samlewis96 · 04/03/2024 17:19

Vive42 · 04/03/2024 14:55

How do families with three children 13, 11 and 4 with the same mum and dad cope?!

They have to go away all together and somehow cope with not having “fun” holidays.

Your H is an arse. He’s using step parenting/different biological parents as a way to get the holiday he wants. Instead of the one he pro-created.

Ask him if he’d leave one of his kids behind and say the 4 and 11 year old go. Just hypothetically speaking we’ll pretend they’re closer in age.

How does that feel to him if he has to leave one kid behind?

It’s nothing to do with ages. They’re all family. They all go.

Can you find a place with a kids club? Then 4 year old can go in for some mornings?

The 4 year old is his though .So he is leaving one of his own behind

Conundrummum · 04/03/2024 17:22

He’s a crappy dad. Unless it’s an issue of not being able to afford it, why would you not want to give your DC the experience of a holiday? It’s so exciting for them (whenever you go!) and it creates such precious memories. It’s great for development - trying new food or activities - gives them an insight into the wider world. Why would he assume that only older DC would benefit from this? Yes it’s harder work taking younger kids away but hey, that’s life. He sounds like a tool.

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 17:27

Seaweed42 · 04/03/2024 17:01

"Well no, I don't want him to. I'm not going to pretend I'm ecstatic about him holidaying with DSC "

Why don't you want him doing things alone with the two older ones?

That'd be totally natural if all three of the kids were him and yours. One parent often does something with older kids then one of then looks after the littlest one, if there is a big age gap.

You can't have your cake and eat it. You can't object to him taking his own children on holidays (or days out). Now, I don't mean they go for a week in the sun and you go nowhere that year - I mean a night away camping or similar.

That's a bit controlling of you to be honest.

Because it seems to DH that you have to go along no matter who is going. So the only way he can take his own kids on holiday is to ask you to come with them. Because you won't allow him to go otherwise.

Don't just crop half of what I've said and use it out of context.

I wouldn't be happy about it because he wouldn't do the same for/with our child. I don't object to him doing anything with the older ones. I think it shit to say you'll holiday with some of your kids though and refuse to consider holidaying with the other. That is why I wouldn't be happy about it.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 04/03/2024 17:28

Does he always prioritise what he wants, OP?

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 17:29

I would be encouraging DH to take DSC away on his own and help anyway I could with organising etc

I'm sure he'd manage

OP posts:
Gettingonmygoat · 04/03/2024 17:29

Merrow · 04/03/2024 11:50

Isn't the solution that he goes alone with his older children to have the type of holiday he's envisioning?

But that would mean he would have to do everything for the children for a full week so that is unlikely to happen i bet.

CeciliaMars · 04/03/2024 17:29

You don't just leave a child at home because they're not a convenient age!!! You tailor your holiday to suit your kids. He is BU.

thesugarbumfairy · 04/03/2024 17:30

He is a selfish, selfish man. I absolutely agree with your stance OP. There is no way on earth I would be going on a family holiday which excludes your child.

Katbum · 04/03/2024 17:30

Yuck. No I wouldn’t go on a holiday with my sc but not my own child! Mad of him to even consider that you would. Doesn’t reflect great on him that his main concern is his own enjoyment rather than making memories as a family. Sure the wants your shared dc to have experiences with siblings?

thesugarbumfairy · 04/03/2024 17:31

God I have the ick and I've never even met him!

Marchintospring · 04/03/2024 17:33

I wouldn't be happy about it because he wouldn't do the same for/with our child. I don't object to him doing anything with the older ones. I think it shit to say you'll holiday with some of your kids though and refuse to consider holidaying with the other. That is why I wouldn't be happy about it.

You said he left it all to his ex when his DC were small though? You said he wasn’t a holiday fan anyway. He might be more up for it when the youngest was older too.
It’s not “ unfair” if he never took any of them away when they were little.

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 17:38

And yet there would never have been a question of taking eldest DSC away and not the younger one.

OP posts:
mamacorn1 · 04/03/2024 17:39

What a terrible idea. Your four year old is old enough to feel left out and upset. It’s nasty.

Gerwurtztraminer · 04/03/2024 17:42

Totally agree with your position on this. I feel sorry for all of the kids, who've never had a fun, bucket & spade/swimming pool/waterparks type holiday with Dad. Those sorts of holidays aren't usually top of the list for grown ups but it's what you do when kids are little.

He's only interested in taking the older kids away because he can now bully them into having the holiday he wants, not the one they'd probably choose. I agree at their ages 'walking & exploring' is hardly going to be their first choice. (I know kids who happily do hillwalking and outdoor activities on holiday with their parents, but not every day by any stretch!)

I'm betting this isn't the only example of selfish behaviour OP?

Swipe left for the next trending thread