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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
SmudgeButt · 04/03/2024 17:49

I used to love being shipped off to visit with my cousins at quite a young age. Not sure if this is an option for your child.

Personally given how reluctant he has been up to now to holiday with his kids I wouldn't want to stomp on it too quickly.

thebestinterest · 04/03/2024 17:52

‘Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old’

Odd request from him, I agree. If you enjoy your child I don’t think I’d be okay with leaving them
behind. Some people might, but I personally wouldn’t.

HollyKnight · 04/03/2024 17:52

I feel sorry for all of these children stuck with such a selfish father who has zero interest in giving them happy memories as a family and is only concerned with his own enjoyment.

sandyhappypeople · 04/03/2024 17:56

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 17:27

Don't just crop half of what I've said and use it out of context.

I wouldn't be happy about it because he wouldn't do the same for/with our child. I don't object to him doing anything with the older ones. I think it shit to say you'll holiday with some of your kids though and refuse to consider holidaying with the other. That is why I wouldn't be happy about it.

Show quote history

But that’s not the step children’s fault.. you’re basically saying if I can’t have it no one can.

i don’t know why you’ve let him opt out of going on holidays with you and the 4 year old his whole life, that attitude would have been a deal breaker for me, you’re letting him get away with that and have accepted him being a shoddy parent, THAT’s the problem here, not the fact that he now wants to go away with the step kids, don’t punish them for it.

you should just be happy to let him take them and deal with the issue of him not wanting to go with you and 4 year old separately.

Londonvisit2024 · 04/03/2024 17:59

My kids had so much enjoyment on city breaks at age 4 where they walked and walked and walked all day long for 4 days in a row.

My 4 year old would be devastated if I left him at home to go on holiday with his dad and brother. I wouldn't be able to do it to him.

Snowpatrolling · 04/03/2024 18:01

Yanbu he doesn’t want you taking youngest as he’ll have your undivided attention to look after his other two so HE can have a good holiday!

TheCatterall · 04/03/2024 18:02

So he’s opted out of holidaying with you and your 4 year old for the last 4 years leaving you to do it all so you are permanently on mum duty on your holidays..

but wants to swan off with his 2 and you to come along and share the parenting yet again..

but not for his own child as that will mean he has to do some parenting of his own child…

what a selfish tosser.

Frumpitydoo · 04/03/2024 18:02

This is so not okay it's mind boggling. What a callous man.

Amista77 · 04/03/2024 18:04

I voted YANBU, but having said that, this kind of happened to me. I was very young and had 3 older siblings. My parents loved skiing at a time when skiing holidays were very expensive. They probably couldn't afford to take us all and thought I would be too young to enjoy it or whatever, so I stayed with some lovely family friends. I don't recall being upset and it certainly hasn't traumatised me. But I do think it's unnecessary these days, now that holidays are so much better at being kid-friendly

Frumpitydoo · 04/03/2024 18:06

Reflecting further on this has given me the massive ick. How can you fuck a man like this OP?

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/03/2024 18:09

I have a feeling he doesn’t like holidays where he needs to a accommodate to his children so he waited until the step kids where older and now is trying to leave your son behind as it doesn’t suit him to have him in holidays .
How is he as a dad ? Dow she step up or are you left taking care of your child often ? He sounds very very self centred and narcissistic

mathanxiety · 04/03/2024 18:11

StaunchMomma · 04/03/2024 17:28

Does he always prioritise what he wants, OP?

Sometimes you can see clearly why some men who are fathers are now divorced.

PumpkinPie2016 · 04/03/2024 18:13

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Different if he wanted to go alone with his older children and the do something with you and your shared child. However, it seems that he just doesn't want to go on a holiday with his children when they are small!!

I would have thought that 4 would be a reasonable age? You could always divide and conquer on some of the days if he wanted to do something with the older children that isn't suitable for the little one.

I found that between 0-2 years, holidays with our son were a bit stressful. 3+ have been great though!

MzHz · 04/03/2024 18:14

So does he expect you to leave your little one to come along to do the inevitable childcare of HIS kids @NellyNilly ?

wow. My nethers have shrivelled.

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/03/2024 18:19

He sounds like a selfish arse. Presumably he wants you there so he doesn't have to do all the childcare himself?!

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/03/2024 18:20

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:25

I think some of it is probably separated dad guilt. I do personally feel be indulges DSC a lot when they are there because he feels bad they aren't there all the time. He's openly admitted to me before that he isn't as strict with DSC as he would be with our child in the future because of the situation and them not living with us full time. I do understand all of this (I'm a stepchild myself).

I think he just thinks this is another way to spoil older DCs and show them they are important. I don't necessarily think it's about dumping them on me whilst we're away but he'd definitely want me to be there so we were away as a family doting on DSC.

He's suggested things like this in the past about doing things separately with DSC, like days out, including me and leaving youngest behind.

I don't actually have a problem with him doing days out with DSC, I don't go typically unless it includes our child, but I understand why he wants to. But a holiday is definitely where I draw the line.

Edited

I disagree that this is "separated dad guilt". If that were the case, he'd have been taking them on holiday every year since the separation, something he has signally failed to do. No, he's told you clearly what is behind this.

"In his mind its less about fairness and more about it being not a "fun" holiday for him with a younger child and there's plenty of time to holiday with our youngest when they are a bit older like DSC."

He has been absolutely clear to you, @NellyNilly . A holiday has to be fun for him. Fuck the kids, they are just his accessories, his toys. (Whaddaya mean, they're people too? No they're not! And even if they were, I'm the one that actually matters!)

This is a fairly major failing of his. An absolute self-absorption, unwilling to give his children those precious childhood holiday memories - because he doesn't think it's fun for him to do that. Leave it to their mothers, he shrugs. What an unfatherly father!

"He's openly admitted to me before that he isn't as strict with DSC as he would be with our child in the future because of the situation and them not living with us full time."
I actually see this as a bigger problem than him being a selfish arse over holidays. He actively intends to treat one of his children differently from the others. That is a great way to drive a wedge between his children, and between himself and his children. The younger getting increasingly resentful as they see themselves being treated more harshly, and the older ones getting increasingly disrespectful as they twig they have a Disney Dad.

Add to that that he doesn't understand why you don't want to leave your child behind, and I think I'd be sitting him down and spelling some basics out to him.

  1. Being a father means putting your children's needs before your own personal wants.
  2. Being a Disney Dad is a really bad idea.
  3. Treating your youngest more harshly because they live with you is a good way to make them want to not live with you ASAP.
  4. Being a selfish arse is deeply unattractive.

How you haven't got the ick already, I do not know.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/03/2024 18:21

Hi OP. I've only had time to skim and read your responses so apologies if this is a repeat.
I couldn't help thinking when I read this that he already knows your opinion on this subject and that he probably knows you would not be happy about it and already thought that you would offer for him to go with the two older DSC on his own whilst you stay with your shared DC.

potato57 · 04/03/2024 18:22

It seems reasonable to me. The 4 year old isn't going to be interested or remember it anyway. If you don't want to leave him/her then stay and he goes with the older ones.

Most men I've encountered have told me at one point or another that they really struggled with the baby and younger child stages of their kids and once their kids got to the age they could enjoy similar things with them and communicate at a more comparable level, that's the part they preferred and where they really saw their relationships developing.

DuoTulip · 04/03/2024 18:27

He is crap.

I can see why you'd feel pissed off that he will holiday with his older kids but not with your joint child BUT, to be fair, he didn't holiday with his own kids at that age either, so I'd just let that one go, if he's otherwise a good dad to your DC and behaves as though he's actually a part of your family.

However, for the rest of it - him trying to guilt you into taking a "family holiday" with him and his kids, frankly, he can fuck off. He can go off with his own kids on holiday if he wants to but you're absolutely right to say you have no desire at all to leave your own DC at home to come along. That is totally your prerogative. If he continues to try and make you out to be unreasonable and is opting out of family life in other ways, I'd be reassessing the future of the relationship.

MiniPumpkin · 04/03/2024 18:28

As a mum of a 5 and 2 year old who’s been travelling on holiday with my dh and kids for the past 5 years, I look forward so much to the holidays abroad and always forget how stressful it can be. But there’s no way I would do what your dh is suggesting, it’s a shame for the youngest and quite sad, it suggests he doesent see them as a family.
i would be raging op

sleekcat · 04/03/2024 18:31

I have a large age gap between my children and on one holiday where there was a lot to see and do, we did miss out on some of it because the youngest was five and wasn't up for walking a long way. This meant the eldest being disappointed at not being able to experience all the sightseeing we wanted to, I'm talking world famous historical sites that we all wanted to see.
But I don't think you should leave the four year old at home. I think you should all go and he can go off and do more stuff with his children as and when they want to. I wouldn't have left my then 5 year old at home, and though his memories of the trip are a bit patchy it still ended up being a lovely experience for him.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/03/2024 18:31

YANBU at all, it’s an awful suggestion but I do think he should be able to take them alone if he wants to.

RawBloomers · 04/03/2024 18:45

I don’t know that I agree with your reluctance about him taking just your DSC on holiday on his own, but you seem to be aware that that’s sort of just about your feelings and not something you can insist on, so I’m not sure it matters much. I even get his position that holidays aren’t much fun with young kids - that was certainly my experience when they were young. We went because we thought it was good for them but I think you can bring kids up equally well without taking them on holiday when they’re young. But, again, not sure it’s that relevant given you take your DC and his ex takes your DSC.

But I think your top trump with his argument - the way in which he is irrefutably unreasonable - is that he doesn’t go on holidays he doesn’t think will be fun. So any suggestion by him that you should go on a holiday you don’t think will be fun is unreasonable of him and a total double standard.

Lassiata · 04/03/2024 18:46

@sandyhappypeople If she allows and facilitates it by caring for their shared child at home, why on earth does she also have to be happy about it, and how do you plan to mandate what emotions someone feels anyway?

You're being silly.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/03/2024 18:48

"I think he just thinks this is another way to spoil older DCs and show them they are important. I don't necessarily think it's about dumping them on me whilst we're away but he'd definitely want me to be there so we were away as a family doting on DSC." This quote from your post at lunchtime is quite revealing Op, he wants you to leave your 4 year old at home so you can show your DSC how special they are, that it doesn't matter your own DC isn't with you. The extra bit about him admitting he'll be harder on your own DC than his first children because they live apart just makes it worse.
Yes, of course his older DC must feel a bit pushed aside by their younger half sibling but I don't think their Dad being unkind to his youngest will make them feel any better. Your DS will notice how differently his Dad treats his older siblings and they won't think it's OK because they always have their Dad at home.
Your DH may well feel guilty but not so guilty that he can be bothered to take any of his DC on holiday until they're old enough to be able to do what he wants.
I'd like to think your DH has good intentions but I can see trouble ahead Op