To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

No way! He needs to choose a holiday that’s suitable for everyone in the family. He sounds horrible!

He sounds so selfish. He had three children when he can't stand spending time with them when they are young. So he'll only holiday with your child when they are over 11 and you've done the hard work on your own?

Does he think other parents love every minute they spend doing things their small children enjoy? He doesn't realise the rest of us just suck it up and put them first? I wouldn't be indulging his attitude.

And I did some with just DS when he was little.
If he’s not a holiday person I get why he wouldn’t see the point of an expensive get away with a small child. I love a holiday so any excuse with anyone is fine in my book .But people are different.

I think its a bit weird, but as he's never been away with the doc when their young at least his reasoning holds up that he's just not into it with young kids.

I do think that everything isn't appropriate for small children and its ok for older children to have separate experiences from the younger ones.

Its very much up to how you are as a parent, many parents holiday without their children or take the ir older children on separate trips, it can be nice.
But if you don't think the kids should have seperate experiences, then stay home with your baby and let the kids go one their first holiday with their father.

When your baby is older you and DH can go and leave dsc at home.

i suppose its enjoyable in the being "away" sense. But small children take a lot of effort and there is no relaxing. even on holiday, there's constant, entertaining, safety management, limited activities or ways to travel. Early to bed, no private or elaborate exciting dinners etc etc.

No spontaneous hikes or big activities.

So if you want to do any or all of these things on your holiday it might not be enjoyable.

He sounds selfish!
It isn’t anything to do with dad guilt or doing age appropriate activities with the older and then younger children.
It’s about HIS enjoyment of HIS holiday.
It doesn’t matter which set of kids it is, it’s that they’ve hit his preferred age for doing certain activities and behaving properly on HIS holiday.
The fact he has foregone all holidays including children for years just speaks to his selfishness.
Of course he can’t understand your point of view. HIS holidays aren’t for seeing his children enjoying themselves. They are about making sure HE enjoys HIMself.

Going against the grain, I think he has a point. The holiday wants will inevitably getvery much skewed to the requirements of the younger child. When there is such a big age gap I don't think it's totally unacceptable to want to do activities suited to 11 to 13 age range. Adding in a 4 year old completely changes the dynamic. A holiday with the older children is not so unreasonable. You knew he had the other children when you got together. A holiday meeting their needs is fine in my book.

I don't think he's being being unreasonable or selfish. Holidays with young children can be exhausting, stressful and overwhelming - I mean, there are threads on here every year from people who basically say it's a case of "same shit, different place". It can also be difficult when you have a big age gap and the older children want to go off and do more adventurous things but the 4yo is holding them back.

If he'd taken his older children away when they were four but was just refusing to do it with yours then that would be different, of course.

That being said, he shouldn't expect you to go abroad with his kids while leaving your child behind - that is unreasonable. But equally, you shouldn't get upset if he wants to go away with his older kids. They'll lose interest in family holidays soon enough and when your DS is older, he'll get holidays with "just dad" as well.

So he goes on holiday with them and you and the 4 yo stay home.

What he wants is for you to be on hand to do all the not so fun stuff like doing all the packing, feeding the older children, organizing bedtime, planning the activities, making sure everyone has sunscreen, snacks, water, etc.

Just imagine if this thread was proposing taking their four year old on holiday and leaving the DSC behind.

Knowing he had kids or not, I'm not going on holiday with someone else's and leaving mine behind. It's cruel. 99% of the replies seem to have validated my initial response so I'm happy with my no.

So its ok to be a selfish bastard and not parent cos he wants fun on holiday?

The man is a grade A arse.

I wouldn't tolerate my child being viewed as a nuisance in any set of circumstances. Even a holiday.

He either goes away on his own with the older one, and thats totally fine. Or all four of you go (and that can include him doing fun things with the older one without the younger one).

Children aren't there to be palmed off like this.

And thinking about it more, I honestly can't even see DSC wanting to go walking and everything else. They are more likely to want to chill by a pool and sleep in late. But as he's never been with them he won't know this I suppose!

Imagine indeed!!

Stick to your guns, you're completely right. He sounds odd and overly literal. Sure a lot of people would prefer to not holiday with a four year old but they do because they're a parent, is he a selfish parent in other ways?

And you have to come, why?

It couldn't possibly be because you'd be performing all the parenting/shopping/cooking/cleaning/washing whilst he marches off into the distance with his older children, could it?

She does. However (it seems) he has NEVER had a holiday with any of his three children. What kind of man does that?

How would it be skewed towards the younger child?

OP would have the 4 yo and her DH the older two. Besides, the older two would likely want to spend more time with their father than OP even if she did go.

I think it’s off that her DH doesn’t want to go on holiday with his older two alone. Why does OP need to be there and away from her own child when she doesn’t want to?

I feel taking the SC away alone is just reinforcing a difference between them and their half sibling (a term I detest!). It would be an absolute no from me. You are a family and yes 4 year olds will somewhat change the dynamics of the holiday, but they are part of the family.

Basically, your husband is being horrible.

Absolutely not. YANBU. He can go on his own if he really wants to. But I would not use my annual leave to be used as a nanny for my step children while my own young child is at home. No way.

He’s a selfish arse then, if he’s happy to leave your little one behind so that he can enjoy his holiday more. He’s a father, that means putting your children first, not dumping them on someone else so you can have a more enjoyable holiday.
His reasoning, or excuse, is absolutely warped.

I think if he takes them away on his own that would be ok given the age difference. I personally wouldn't want to leave my 4 year old at home and go off with him and SC so I get where you are coming from. I think he is a crap Dad for not going with you and your joint DC when you have gone away with your family but accept we don't have any SC so maybe he worries about leaving them out. He has really not done any holiday for 6 years?

Easy answer... he takes the SC on hols doing something they'll all love. They get quality time with their Dad and he gets to do what he wants...

It's sad that for him (and you and all the DC!) that holidays have to be about what he wants... but that's a whole other thread!!

It sounds like he doesn't like children very much. The message he's sending to all his children is 'I don't want to spend time with you until you're old enough that I consider you interesting'. This will backfire because by the time the children are old enough, they'll have worked out that they don't like their dad all that much and don't particularly want to spend time with him, either.

I’d just suggest he goes with his 2 older children and you stay at home with your child.