Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
theresapossuminthekitchen · 04/03/2024 14:33

Floatinginvacherin · 04/03/2024 11:57

So he only wants to go on holidays he enjoys, regardless of his kids?

I must have missed that memo for the last 15 years when I’ve spent my time going on child-centred holidays, like most parents do.

Absolutely this. I hope this isn’t reflective of his attitude in general… My dad was/is like this and as a result our relationship now is poles apart from my relationship with my mum. I will never forget (or forgive, frankly) how it felt as a child knowing that my dad didn’t actually want to do anything with us just for the pleasure of being with us.

Conniebygaslight · 04/03/2024 14:35

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:06

It's not that i wouldn't let him go with them alone, I can't stop him of course. I won't lie and say I'd be happy about it because I wouldn't but he can do it if he wants to.

But he fully wants me to go too. Which is the most bizarre thing, as if I'd want to do that?!

It sounds like he hasn't wanted to go with any of his DC until they are older and easier to manage. He doesn't want to go with your DSC alone because even though they're older he probably doesn't want all the work to himself and wants you to share it. None of this is Ok both as a husband and a father. YANBU in the slightest

crumblingschools · 04/03/2024 14:36

Does he do hiking etc with them in this country?

roarrfeckingroar · 04/03/2024 14:36

Absolutely bloody not.

How could he possibly think you would want to!?

Madness. Yanbu.

Debtfreegoals · 04/03/2024 14:39

Er it would be a no from me

C8H10N4O2 · 04/03/2024 14:43

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 13:21

He's been abroad before just never with any of the kids

Show quote history

So does he not think his own kids should have holidays until they are old enough to provide him with entertainment or are child holidays the mother's job (hence he wants you to go but not the youngest)?

Either way, its a dick move and smacks of another man who defaults the work/hassle parts of parenting to the mother

Autienotnautie · 04/03/2024 14:43

So he enjoys holidays but doesn't like holidays with kids so would happily never give your child the experience of visiting another country until he decides your child is old enough to do what he wants.

What a self indulgent twat. Is he selfish in other ways?

I wouldn't go either and I'd be really disappointed in him.

candycane222 · 04/03/2024 14:46

No idea how I got the wrong end of the stick from your username OP - but I think my post still makes sense!

Littlebitpsycho · 04/03/2024 14:49

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:53

He wouldn't do this because it's not about fairness it's about not enjoying a holiday with young kids apparently. He only wants to go with DSC now because they are older.

Show quote history

Then he can take them on his own can't he? Are you sure this isn't a "wife work" holiday, and actually he just doesn't want to do all the parenting on his own?

FamBae · 04/03/2024 14:53

So he refuses to go on a holiday with any child under the age of 11 because (in a nutshell) he wouldn't enjoy it, and expects you to go along with that ethos even though you wouldn't enjoy it without your 4yr old..
Meanwhile his eldest two have never had a holiday abroad with their dad and they're never likely to as he probably wont take them if you don't go.

Vive42 · 04/03/2024 14:55

How do families with three children 13, 11 and 4 with the same mum and dad cope?!

They have to go away all together and somehow cope with not having “fun” holidays.

Your H is an arse. He’s using step parenting/different biological parents as a way to get the holiday he wants. Instead of the one he pro-created.

Ask him if he’d leave one of his kids behind and say the 4 and 11 year old go. Just hypothetically speaking we’ll pretend they’re closer in age.

How does that feel to him if he has to leave one kid behind?

It’s nothing to do with ages. They’re all family. They all go.

Can you find a place with a kids club? Then 4 year old can go in for some mornings?

BellatrixLestranger · 04/03/2024 14:56

"He wouldn't do this because it's not about fairness it's about not enjoying a holiday with young kids apparently. He only wants to go with DSC now because they are older."

@NellyNilly I would argue that it's not about this either, it's about you being there to do childcare and facilitate his relationship with his kids. Your focus will not be on them if your DC goes too and your DH would then have to do some actual parenting which he is not prepared to do.

CactusMactus · 04/03/2024 15:02

I actually like my children, think they are fun and want to holiday with them. Odd that your partner doesn't feel this way about his child.

tachetastic · 04/03/2024 15:06

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

What a bizarre suggestion. I cannot imagine any scenario where my partner and I would go on holiday and leave any of the kids at home unless they were teenagers (or possibly pre-teens) and were going to stay with their friends (and so were also having a sort of holiday from us).

I remember when our DCs were little, and yes I can see the convenience aspect. Kids can be inconvenient sometimes. But you don't leave them at home because of it.

Tell him to go and gave a great time with your DSC and you can all go together some other time.

Peachy2005 · 04/03/2024 15:18

@NellyNilly I think you need to get a bit more enthusiastic about him taking his older kids away by himself. You say you can’t/won’t stop him doing so but it’s extremely obvious you don’t want him to.

Previousreligion · 04/03/2024 15:21

I think he sounds unreasonable.

I have been on several holidays with our child and step-children. There is more than a 10 year age gap. Fun was had by all.

They weren't childcentric holidays either. One of them was to Paris and we did all the normal things. A day at Disney was for the kids but we visited some museums my husband was interested in, where I looked after young DC so the others could focus on the museum. Husband looked after young DC at Versailles which was my particular interest.

It sounds like your DH has a very limited idea of what holidays are possible with kids.

Noseybookworm · 04/03/2024 15:30

He is being ridiculous 🙄 of course you're not going to go off on holiday without your little one! Let him go with his two older kids if he wants to. To be honest, I'm not sure I'd see a future with someone who disregarded my feelings so easily. I'd feel pretty resentful towards him.

IamaRevenant · 04/03/2024 15:40

I've only read OP's posts so sorry if this has been raised and I missed it.

@NellyNilly has your H said where he wants to go? Surely the best option is to all go away together to somewhere that has all the hiking, exploring and older child/adult activities but is also near a beach/has a pool and younger kid stuff too?

Then you can all have breakfast together, H and the DSC can go off and do their thing some or most days, you can do whatever you usually do with your DC on holiday and then you all meet up for dinner etc. I'm sure he's not planning to be off trekking from the break of dawn until bedtime!

And for a couple of the days all of you (you, H, DC and DSC) can do something all as a family (eg beach/chill day - will DSC even want to be full on active every minute of every day?? I love active holidays but I always have some days just for relaxing, swimming, leisurely lunches etc!).

I absolutely would not be leaving my DC behind though and if he won't even agree to the above or a similar compromise he's being a dick and causing divisions where they really aren't needed.

rainbowstardrops · 04/03/2024 15:44

He's being a knob. Of course you don't want to go on a family' holiday but just leave one member of that family at home!!! He's an idiot.
He either takes the SDC away by himself, or you all go together and some days he can take the older ones hiking or whatever and some of the days do things together. That's the fairest compromise I'd think.

Original poster
NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 15:47

Peachy2005 · 04/03/2024 15:18

@NellyNilly I think you need to get a bit more enthusiastic about him taking his older kids away by himself. You say you can’t/won’t stop him doing so but it’s extremely obvious you don’t want him to.

Well no, I don't want him to. I'm not going to pretend I'm ecstatic about him holidaying with DSC but refusing to do the same with our child.

But again, I can't and wouldn't stop him from doing so if that's what he wanted to do.

OP posts:
Sweetleftfood · 04/03/2024 15:47

No that's so odd!! We had great holidays when our ones were 4! Of course a 4 yo will be harder work in some respect but bloody hell, 11 and 13 can be too, moody, don't want to do that, don't want to do this , don't want to eat that bla bla, rather stay in the hotel on my TikTok etc 😂

laclochette · 04/03/2024 15:48

I think he should go away just with his two kids for some bonding time, and you and shared DC not go. Stay at home, go see family with your DC, whatever.
For you BOTH to go and ONLY your shared DC to stay at home is totally insane and so damaging in the message it would send to your poor DC!

brentwoods · 04/03/2024 15:51

Wheeeeee · 04/03/2024 12:03

He sounds incredibly self-centred and selfish. Is he like that in other areas?

This is the root of the problem.

Marchintospring · 04/03/2024 15:54

Meh. I never get the angst over doing holidays people like as long as there’s a fair amount for all.
There’s a massive age gap. Let him do a fun teen holiday and let the four year old have a fun week with either family or you if you don’t want to go.
My DH did some holidays with his DD separately from with me and my DS AND we did some all together. Depended on the holiday.

honeylulu · 04/03/2024 15:56

He sounds very self centred. I don't think it's at all bizarre that he wants you to come along too because you're the "nanny" that can deal with the drudge work elements of caring for DSC. I mean we can't have him spoiling HIS lovely holiday can we?

Swipe left for the next trending thread