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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

502 replies

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

OP posts:
RedRobyn2021 · 05/03/2024 19:51

I'm with you all the way, what planet is he on

Peacockcolours · 05/03/2024 19:51

Floatinginvacherin · 04/03/2024 11:57

So he only wants to go on holidays he enjoys, regardless of his kids?

I must have missed that memo for the last 15 years when I’ve spent my time going on child-centred holidays, like most parents do.

Yes this 👍👏

RedRobyn2021 · 05/03/2024 19:52

I mean, it is typical of a man to be so deeply selfish

Moanranger · 05/03/2024 19:54

I don’t know why you are getting piled on, OP!
It’s obvious that your not very dear H needs you around on holiday to do the wife-work, such as babysit his kids while he goes on walks that they won’t be interested in, etc.
You are right to stand your ground

Codlingmoths · 05/03/2024 19:56

GingerNutMe · 05/03/2024 18:33

YABU - completely unreasonable not to actually consider it - even if you decide no.

You say 'he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet.' So if he's talking about a proper walking type holiday, maybe exploring rocks and caves etc etc then a barely 4 year old would restrict what you can do. Older kids (and adults) don't always want to be restricted by a 4 year old.

You should at least have the decency to consider it.

Why? He could just take the older dc and go, she’s said many times that would be ok. He doesn’t even have the decency to consider it. He won’t holiday with even his own kids without wife to wifework. Decency, huh. It’s definitely missing somewhere but I’m not sure you’ve worked out where.

Wayk · 05/03/2024 19:58

NellyNilly · 05/03/2024 19:32

Quote the full thing if you're going to.

He's suggested things like this in the past about doing things separately with DSC, like days out, including me and leaving youngest behind

Is what I said before your quoted part. I was talking about him asking to do things with DSC without our child, and yes I draw the line at being asked to holiday without my child.

Show quote history

No way would I leave my 4 year old behind. They are clued in and would feel abandoned. It be different if ye were going away for a night on your own.

Ilovecleaning · 05/03/2024 20:04

He’s a stupid twat.

yeahwhatev · 05/03/2024 20:05

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:06

It's not that i wouldn't let him go with them alone, I can't stop him of course. I won't lie and say I'd be happy about it because I wouldn't but he can do it if he wants to.

But he fully wants me to go too. Which is the most bizarre thing, as if I'd want to do that?!

This is as far as I got reading the thread. As many pp have said the solution is for him to go away with his older kids without you. I don’t understand why you are not supporting this? It will be really good for his kids who haven’t had a holiday with their dad in years. Expecting you to come without your 4 year old is completely ridiculous so YANBU about that but YABU by not encouraging him to go away with the older kids. Him not wanting to go on holiday with his own younger child is a separate issue and one you need to sort out with him separately. Begrudging his older kids a rare holiday with their dad isn’t a good response on your part to his admittedly weird attitude to holidays with younger children.

T1Dmama · 05/03/2024 20:14

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 12:39

I'm not going to lie and say I'd be happy about it if he went with DSC but refused to consider going with ours no. But I can't and wouldn't stop him.

I appreciate what PPs are saying in that he hasn't taken them either until they were older but they have never been the left behind child whilst Dad goes on holiday with only some of his children. Plenty of posters on other threads think this is wrong when it's a dad going away with resident DC and not DSC. So I don't personally see a huge difference when it's this way round.

Show quote history

Exactly this!! It’s totally unfair and like you say no one should go away and leave one child behind!
You are a million percent not being unreasonable to refuse to leave your DC behind, I wouldn’t ever go away without my DD.
He wouldn’t be unreasonable to go away with his teenage kids alone for some quality time with them, but yea it’s not unreasonable for you to expect him to do the same with your joint child!
He sounds very selfish, it’s all about what HE wants to do and not an ounce about what you or the children will enjoy!!
My ex was like this, got ‘bored’ at theme parks, soft play and zoos and said HE’D had enough now and wanted to go… I would tell him it’s not about him!! And eventually we would go out with friends or alone instead of with him….. he never put himself out to make a day special for DD unless it was something he’d enjoy! We also started going on holiday without him so that I could just please DD & not have to keep a man child entertained too!

SEMPA1234567 · 05/03/2024 20:18

YABU - if you decide to marry someone with kids then you should take them on as your own. From your responses it seems that your issue is you don’t want to go away with HIS kids and leave YOUR child at home. You should be doing whatever you would do if all 3 children were yours. If you would consider just taking the older ones away to give them the experience then do. If you would consider the pros and cons of this if all 3 were yours but won’t now because they are step children then you are obviously totally unreasonable!!

Makes me feel really sad for kids that end up living between 2 households like this. Never feeling 100% wanted in either. Imagine being them and at your house knowing your kid is loved by both adults in the home but when they’re there they only get 1 adults love and the other adult is always going to favour their own child. Then they go back to their mums and presumably get the same from the 2 adults in that home. Never having somewhere they are made to feel totally wanted, so sad.

BTW- your husband is also unreasonable for not wanting to do a holiday with your young child. As a parent you obviously have to do holidays that are aren’t 100% what you want to do but you get pleasure from seeing them enjoy themselves. Sounds quite selfish of him that he only wants to take the kids away once there’s something in it for him!!

Banrion · 05/03/2024 20:23

You're definitely not being unreasonable. I too can't believe the people disagreeing with you.

Mrschristmasqueen · 05/03/2024 20:25

I genuinely don't understand how people are confusing the situation. I agree with you, I wouldn't want to go and leave my child. If he had always taken all of the the children on holidays and wanted to do a specific type of holiday that the 4 year old wouldnt enjoy then that would be different. Be he wants to take the ONLY abroad holiday he's had in years with just his older children because the 4 year old would make it harder for him?! That's completely out of order to me. Imagine in years to come, talking about the holiday (because I'm guessing there won't be lots of holidays with DH given his history) and the four year old asks "Where was I?" "Oh, we left you at home because we wouldn't have been able to do the things we wanted if you came." What?!

And the OP hasn't said she doesn't want him to take the older children on holiday, she's said she would rather they all go together or he takes the eldest two on his own but also has a holiday with the youngest too. Which he clearly won't do.

Op, I would be exactly the same as you. YANBU.

Zeezee82 · 05/03/2024 20:26

It astounds me how selfish some people can be. He perhaps needs reminding that he committed to creating a family - twice - and that not everything is about him and his enjoyment. I hope he’s not that awful in other areas OP

HollyKnight · 05/03/2024 20:29

People are so determined to make this a stepmother/stepchildren issue, it's batshit.

"You married a man with children, so treat them like your own and leave your youngest at home." ?? My brain can't even compute that. Make it make sense. 🙃

Harry12345 · 05/03/2024 20:43

He is massively being unreasonable, I’ve took my kids away since 1, I find it easier and more relaxing on holiday. I couldn’t bear going without them and seeing other kids their age having fun. Does he find young kids really hard work? 4 is a great age and easy to amuse and would love spending time with siblings

Xmasdaft2023 · 05/03/2024 21:07

Not a hope in hell I’d agree to this! Days out - yes, holiday - NO!

as a stepmum to two with a 12&10 gap with our eldest (so a bigger gap than yours) we prioritised all getting alone time, family time, bigger kid time and smaller kid time. We then have gone on to have our second and the gap between “our” two is 8+ years..

no holiday with children is relaxing, no holiday with a 11 & 13yo will be relaxing or what your OH is expecting (with or without you!) and going for walks and things will not be enjoyable for him or them.

I think your OH needs a reality check on what he is expecting from said holiday and how this is probably not how it’ll look to the two kids..

what I’d propose is a holiday for you all? He then gets to spend time with the bigger two (to their needs and wants, not all his!!) and you all have days together. If he can’t see a holiday being what he wants with a 4yo in tow then he’ll be even more surprised at how altering a holiday can be with a moody teen and pre teen 😂

our last two holidays, so 11 & 3 & then last year (12 (v nearly 13) & 4) were both great BUT the preteen was harder work than the preschooler!
we did activities suited to both, to the preteen & the little one and for ourselves too (grandparents joined us for part of holiday) and there was a holiday club the youngest could attend if he wanted so added bonus of quiet pool time on occasion.

holidays to suit all are readily available for ££££ but your OH needs to cater for all and most of all INCLUDE all! I hope he sees sense and pronto!

(should point out SK are now adults with own lives so not included any longer in our holiday plans, of course if they chose to join us then great but it is unlikely now they have their own lives, funds etc)

Harleyband · 05/03/2024 21:12

It's baffling how many people don't seem to have read the thread. OP has stated many times DH can take DSC on his own.

I hate the message that it's OK for men to "not like" the infant/toddler stage and not really begin to parent until their children are "more interesting". That's ridiculous and quite frankly indulging DH in this area will only serve to deepen his feelings that he is justified in not wanting to parent till the kids are "easier". He has a four year old. That four year old is going on family holidays and he will accommodate him. The four year old will also learn to accommodate others. It's a good lesson all round.

Casperroonie · 05/03/2024 21:27

NellyNilly · 04/03/2024 11:48

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

Omg has he lot his mind???????!!! You'd have to cut my arms off to try and make me leave my own, very young, child behind. Absolutely no way.

Original poster
NellyNilly · 05/03/2024 21:37

yeahwhatev · 05/03/2024 20:05

This is as far as I got reading the thread. As many pp have said the solution is for him to go away with his older kids without you. I don’t understand why you are not supporting this? It will be really good for his kids who haven’t had a holiday with their dad in years. Expecting you to come without your 4 year old is completely ridiculous so YANBU about that but YABU by not encouraging him to go away with the older kids. Him not wanting to go on holiday with his own younger child is a separate issue and one you need to sort out with him separately. Begrudging his older kids a rare holiday with their dad isn’t a good response on your part to his admittedly weird attitude to holidays with younger children.

Show quote history

But. He. Hasn't. Suggested. Going. Alone. With. Them.

People are really struggling with this. He doesn't want to go by himself with them, he wants me to go. And no, I'm not going and leaving my child behind. Would I love the idea of him going with them alone and refusing to do something similar with our child? No. Has he suggested this however? No.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyNilly · 05/03/2024 21:38

SEMPA1234567 · 05/03/2024 20:18

YABU - if you decide to marry someone with kids then you should take them on as your own. From your responses it seems that your issue is you don’t want to go away with HIS kids and leave YOUR child at home. You should be doing whatever you would do if all 3 children were yours. If you would consider just taking the older ones away to give them the experience then do. If you would consider the pros and cons of this if all 3 were yours but won’t now because they are step children then you are obviously totally unreasonable!!

Makes me feel really sad for kids that end up living between 2 households like this. Never feeling 100% wanted in either. Imagine being them and at your house knowing your kid is loved by both adults in the home but when they’re there they only get 1 adults love and the other adult is always going to favour their own child. Then they go back to their mums and presumably get the same from the 2 adults in that home. Never having somewhere they are made to feel totally wanted, so sad.

BTW- your husband is also unreasonable for not wanting to do a holiday with your young child. As a parent you obviously have to do holidays that are aren’t 100% what you want to do but you get pleasure from seeing them enjoy themselves. Sounds quite selfish of him that he only wants to take the kids away once there’s something in it for him!!

Well yes. I don't want to go on a holiday which includes children without my child... is that unusual? Going by the vote and majority comments I don't think so.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyNilly · 05/03/2024 21:40

And again despite me not loving the idea of him going alone with them but refusing to do similar with our child another time, I would not stop him if that's what he wanted but AGAIN that is not what he wants.

OP posts:
pensione · 05/03/2024 21:43

NellyNilly · 05/03/2024 21:40

And again despite me not loving the idea of him going alone with them but refusing to do similar with our child another time, I would not stop him if that's what he wanted but AGAIN that is not what he wants.

I admire your patience in repeating this 😂

Has you asked him again if the main reason he wants you to come is to help with his sons?

Or if he won’t have fun without you?

I would really love to understand his thought processes.

tillytown · 05/03/2024 21:52

OP I just read through this thread, you have the patience of a Saint! I don't get why so many people are ignoring what you have actually written and are making stuff up.
Anyway, I agree with you. A family holiday is for all the family, he doesn't get to pick and choose who can go on one, and excluding one child is nasty behaviour. If he wants to take his older kids by himself, there is nothing stopping him, he is just being lazy and expects you to go along so he doesn't have to do any actual 'dad' work on his holiday, he'll have you to do it for him. Stick to your guns, it's time for him to look after his kids by himself like a big boy.

Xtraincome · 05/03/2024 21:54

OP, this all sounds so tiring!

He sounds like he can't cope without you there and the 4 year old would be a hindrance to an easy holiday. Is that the case?

Otherwise, just go with the 4 year old! Say you're coming with DC and you can't wait, if he then decides to flake out, just pack him in and move on as he sounds a bit useless.

I don't think this is the conundrum you think it is. I understand you not wanting to go without your child BUT, this is highly representative of the hot mess of blended families and lazy fathers.

SquishyBeanBag · 05/03/2024 22:16

People asked me if he could go alone and I've said of course he could he's an adult he can do whatever he likes. I'm not going to pretend I'd be pleased by the idea but I wouldn't stop him doing it. But again, that's not what he's suggesting and never was.

Why wouldn't you be pleased with him going on holiday with his kids? Wouldn't that give you hope that one day he will go on holiday with you and your child?

Why wouldn't you be pleased by the fact he's being a decent human being by parenting his children regardless of them being yours or not.