To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

Wow, so essentially he’s saying to the 4 year old, ‘you’re no fun so you’re not coming.’ What a twat. Does he think somebody else should take his kids on holiday when they’re young for him, or does he just think that they shouldn’t go on holiday when they’re young?

as for those suggesting they all go together and OP look after the little one while the others go off together to do something fun, no. Why should OP be designated childcare? It’s her holiday too. It’s also his bloody child too FFS.

God, I could never have any respect for a man like him. He doesn’t even deserve the title disney dad.

That really sums up him and his attitude towards his children. It's all about him, never about the children.

I'm actually wondering why he wants to holiday with his 11 and 13 year-old at all! What purpose will they serve to him that they couldn't serve in previous years? In the OP it's stated "he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones". OK children that age can keep up with adults fairly well, unlike a 4 year old. But still - what purpose will they serve to this extremely self-absorbed man? And the only thing I can come up with is - audience. People to show off to.

I am liking this man less and less.

@NellyNilly, what sort of contact does he have with his older two children on a week-to-week basis? How much time does he spend with them? Does he do shared hobbies with them? Take them to their solo activities? Does he have one-to-one time with each of them?

I'm also wondering exactly what he wants to do with the 11 and 13 year old, why a 4 year old cant be there too and whether the 11 and 13 year old will actually enjoy what he has planned or will just moan about it.

He does sound very selfish.

Sounds like he wants to take his older children on holiday but go out gallivanting whilst you take care of them, hence not wanting your youngest there. I'd tell him to take the step kids on holiday himself If he wants a sightseeing holiday without your youngest. Either that or you all go. Selfish prat.

To me it wouldn't be a holiday without my children. Theres no way I could relax and I'd feel guilty. Has he said where he would like to go?
What about an all inclusive holiday where you and your 4 year old can stop by the pool, go to the beach or go to a kids club and him and the older children go for walks some days?

Does your DH even like having children? Or children generally?

Agree with PP who said he should go with DSC

That is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t actually believe he’s not been on holiday with your child and you have just been on your own. That’s so odd. Of course holidays with young children are different but that’s one of the things you sign up for when having kids??

we have 8 and 10 year old (who are a dream to holiday with) and a 3 year old who is a bit of a pain. We would never leave him at home though. We’re a family - we ALL go on family holidays.

I think your Dh has got used to not seeing his older two children a lot of the time and so doesn't see how this is different to not seeing his youngest child. He has forgotten that this is totally different for you.

YABU - completely unreasonable not to actually consider it - even if you decide no.

You say 'he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet.' So if he's talking about a proper walking type holiday, maybe exploring rocks and caves etc etc then a barely 4 year old would restrict what you can do. Older kids (and adults) don't always want to be restricted by a 4 year old.

You should at least have the decency to consider it.

So in summary he's happy to now go on holiday that his other kids are old enough to do what he wants to do?

Take all three children and leave him at home, where he deserves to be

My answer wouldn't change

He sounds quite selfish if I’m honest. And I think it’s quite sad that he wouldn’t enjoy a holiday with his own child because of their age. I understand he would want to do different activities with the older ones but to not want to go on holiday with his 4 year old at all is bad. Does he spend time with him at home or is that not enjoyable either?

They might not want to be restricted by a 4 yr old but when you have a 4 year old it’s not really a choice is it 🤷‍♀️

We have taken three children away in the last two years 13,6 and 5. We picked holidays were there were kids pools and bigger pools, culture trips which we all went on and things like wild life safaris that also all could do. One holiday we took it in turns to take the teenager hang gliding and we visited wild life parks together. It is more than possible to have a great holiday with mixed ages just takes a bit of flexible thinking and planning

Wow, I can't believe that he actually thinks that's perfectly OK to do. I would find that very worrying, because I would be thinking that he cares more about his older kids than the young one you have together! He's definitely being unreasonable, and you're definitely not being unreasonable!!

I wouldn’t want to go on holiday abroad and leave my young child at home unnecessarily. I think that is unreasonable. You would be worried all the time and that’s no holiday for you. What if there was an emergency and you couldn’t get back quickly?

Why are some men ( and some women) like this? Selfish! You can’t pick and choose when you want to care for your kids, holidays included,
when you have children your life changes, your wishes/desires take a back seat
embrace the change I say, see the world through your wonderful children’s eyes,
This is how you make those important bonds, spending quality time together,
theres nothing better !

I have read properly, you’ve rewritten your post to backtrack on what you said. THIS is what you actually put

I don't actually have a problem with him doing days out with DSC, I don't go typically unless it includes our child, but I understand why he wants to. But a holiday is definitely where I draw the line.

Which literally says you don’t mind him doing days out with DSC, but you draw the line at him taking them on holiday..

There is a middle ground here as some have discussed already-go away all together and partner can have ‘ days out’ with older ones doing grown up activities. But I’m getting the vibe this doesn’t suit you as you haven’t picked up on it at all 🤔

Quote the full thing if you're going to.

He's suggested things like this in the past about doing things separately with DSC, like days out, including me and leaving youngest behind

Is what I said before your quoted part. I was talking about him asking to do things with DSC without our child, and yes I draw the line at being asked to holiday without my child.

He wants you to go along to look after his children, as he obviously has no idea how to do it himself, ask yourself, has he ever even done a few days away in this country by himself with his kids or looked after all three alone while you have had a day out? He sounds as if he isn't very keen on little children tbh . Probably finds them boring. I would tell him either everyone or no one and if he is not careful he will loose another family

What a strange man.

I'd not have a problem with going all together. He knows this. I'm the one who's suggested it plenty of times before.

@NellyNilly I’m amazed at how many argumentative responses you have received on this. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Clearly, your husband needs to acquaint himself with the concept of the ‘family holiday’. Of course compromises have to be made by adults when holidaying with little ones, but there are (or would be in most parents) the joys of watching the little one pay in the pool, on the beach with older sibs etc! Stand your ground I say. Your husband sounds very selfish.