To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

I see a few people have asked but cant see an answer about what his actual parenting is like? He sounds like he tries to be disney dad with your step children but what about your child? Is he hands on? Does he ever spend time alone with your child?

I get the impression he just wants to do minimal parenting and this holiday is another way of doing that. Leave behind the one he might deem to be hard work and ruining his fun! Im wondering if this is also his parenting style? Minimal effort but just enough to tell himself he is a good dad.

4 is plenty old enough to remember being left with a babysitter while s/he watches her/his entire family drive away on a family holiday without her/him. Don’t traumatize your kid and give her/him abandonment issues. Absolutely not.

He sounds like a misery.

And apart from anything else, it's selfish to expect the mother of his (older) children to be the only one to take them on holiday.

Your brewing resentment about your H is getting in the way. Sounds like you want to stop his children having an opportunity for a holiday with their dad. It's not their fault he's been rubbish and not done more with them or your child. I couldn't live with someone I despised so much. It's not always about fairness, it's about what is right. Of your child would love a few days with grandparents , great. Why not go along. Otherwise let him do his thing for his children's sake.

I'm imagining that if you are the one having to find the money, research and book the holiday arrange passports/transfers/insurance/currency/packing etc. etc. it ain't gonna to happen anyway.
So no real need to disagree, just don't do anything towards it and I bet it doesn't happen.

The OP isn't stopping her DH from going on holiday with his children. He wants her to go and leave their own child at home!

you aren't*

Sorry OP if I've misunderstood but you haven't been clear on whether you would be OK with him taking his kids and leaving you and you child at home.

If you are OK with that then I don't see why he doesn't just do that.

If you are not OK with that then I can understand why he's making this suggestion. He wants quality time with his kids now that they are old enough to do that. Having a much younger child is likely to make that impossible.

OP is being purposely obtuse on this point IMO.. early in the thread she said that “him taking his kids out for day trips on his own was fine, but she draws the line on him taking them on holiday”

then she says it’s shit and she’s not happy about it.

then she says she’s ’not stopping him’

Bottom line is she doesn’t want him to take them on holiday on his own, so is saying she doesn’t mind, but she does mind because he won’t go on holiday with her and 4yo even though it’s been accepted since she met him that he doesn’t want to holiday with young kids.

The whole setup is unfair on OP and all the kids, but punishing the step kids for the acts of the father is unreasonable IMO, it’s not their fault he’s a shit dad and only wants to take them away now they are deemed ‘old enough’, she should let him take them with her blessing and fight her corner separately.

I've now read all your responses in which you do, eventually, admit that you do not want him to go away with his kids alone.

I can totally see why he wants to do that. He has only asked you to come and leave your child behind because you are clearly making it impossible for him to go alone.

You are being very unreasonable.

Nope. He has never once suggested going alone, I doubt that he even would. His suggestion was us all going except our child.

OP is being purposely obtuse on this point IMO.. early in the thread she said that “him taking his kids out for day trips on his own was fine, but she draws the line on him taking them on holiday”

No again, please read properly.

In the past he has suggested doing days out TOGETHER as in me, him and DSC without our younger child. I don't often go but I have on occasion. But I draw the line at ME going on a holiday without my child.

The thread is not about him going alone. He's never once said about going on joliday alone with the older DC and knowing him I very much doubt he would. He fully wants me to go as well. Which is what I've said no to.

People asked me if he could go alone and I've said of course he could he's an adult he can do whatever he likes. I'm not going to pretend I'd be pleased by the idea but I wouldn't stop him doing it. But again, that's not what he's suggesting and never was.

Do you honestly not comprehend that some people don’t suggest things they know will annoy their partner?

You admit yourself you’d not be happy for him to go alone with his DC. It’s not a stretch to think he also knows you wouldn’t be happy with that suggestion, hence he has never suggested it

He wants you to come to share the childcare and ensure he has a fun holiday ! which is why the child you have with him is not invited as dear poor Daddy may not have a fun relaxing holiday.

It's right there in the first post "DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said!"

added, as too late to edit, I can't imagine why on earth he would even think you would holiday with his children leaving your child behind who has the same daddy as his children !

The OP herself said she wouldn’t be happy with him suggesting a holiday with just the DC and he has never suggested it

Totally agree with you OP. Your husband sounds selfish. And it's clear that some posters are not reading your posts properly to fit their step-mother bashing narrative, as usual. Yawn...

Asking again @NellyNilly, WHY does he want you there? In his own words?

You have neither confirmed nor denied the widely held hypothesis on the thread that it's as a service human...

I have answered already

I think he just thinks this is another way to spoil older DCs and show them they are important. I don't necessarily think it's about dumping them on me whilst we're away but he'd definitely want me to be there so we were away as a family doting on DSC.

@Dutchairfryer I think you seem to have misconstrued the OP point. To me she clearly has stated he could go alone if he wanted, she couldn't stop him. But he wants her to come and leave their child at home. I agree with her on this. You seem to think she should do that - most odd.

What ? She wants them to go on holiday, just lot leave the youngest at home ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ah, so he wants you there for show, as it were. Well I think I agree with you OP - fine for a cinema trip or an afternoon go-karting or similar unsuitable -for- 4yearolds activities that he can easily be babysat for. But a weeks holiday - nah.

Seems like he is struggling with the guilt of his separation from ex and the necessarily more fragmened family life your sdcs now have. Well if it's hard for his dcs he should certainly be aware and work out ways that might make things better for them. Being a good, involved, available dad, on a day-to-day basis - that sort of thing. But dragging Nelly on a big one- off holiday (so they get one over on 4 yrar old??) then possibly thinking -"good, job done". Nope that's not the way.

Ah ok thanks, I did read that but didn't quite get from it that HE had spelled out his motivation in those terms (spoiling them, doting on them), more that you were editorializing, which of course you are entitled to do on your own thread!

How do the DSC get on with their little brother by the way? Your DH seems not to consider the whole "we are a family" thing as actually being enriched by another family member rather than inconvenienced. Is the sibling relationship impacted by his attitude?