To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

When we lived in the Netherlands we regularly cycled with DCs on board. One at the front and one at the back. Sometimes DH would cycle to school with 2 DCs on board and DC being towed along on skates!

One thing is that with a DC at the back your DH won't be able to swing his leg over. DH had to switch to a women's frame bike. Practically all men did that.

Hi vis and helmets for both.

@NellyNilly so he really just wants you along to help look after his kids??? what makes him think that his older kids are even into walking and exploring?? he sounds like a lazy git to me. doesnt want to take one son so will leave him at home while the other two are away??? that is not a good dad!

This is so weird. I went on every holiday I wanted with my DS since he was 9 months. Travelled to US, Mexico, around Europe, trains, buses... I don't do clubbing, don't go out drinking, don't do extreme sports - everything else is absolutely doable with a child!

Your DH sounds like a wanker. Don't leave your little one behind, that's so cruel.

So, let’s think forward into the future when the kids are older and are sitting around and reminiscing:
SC: Hey remember the time Dad took us to the Lake District and we saw that huge flock of geese? That was amazing.
C: No - I don’t remember that.
SC: Oh, you weren’t on that trip because Dad thought you were too little & would hold us up. He left you with your mum.

Nice. Really nice.

I would give him two options;

You all go on holiday together with the understanding that he might take the older children off for days doing activities they enjoy.

He takes the older children on his own.

Has he actually discussed with the older children the sort of holiday they enjoy or has he just decided that they are at an age where they will automatically enjoy what he does ? If the latter, I see trouble ahead !

I have 3 children of similar ages, I think YABU. I completely get where your DH is coming from and I have been considering a trip with my older 2 with out the youngest and DH understands (he is parent to all 3). My youngest takes up most of my attention on holidays and as much as I love him and have an amazing time I do often feel that the older ones are missing out a bit. I do also find it exhausting with my youngest, we're up first thing in the morning and constantly on the go, a holiday with just tweens/teens would be so much more relaxing.

@JLou08

But would you insist that DH comes and leave your shared child behind? That is what the DH is asking here!

Bloody hell. I resented being dragged up some windy mountain every weekend, but at least The Commander my dad recognised the need to stop & wait for Mum & kids at the top of each ridge! This bloke has actively refused to go on holiday with his own children until their legs are long enough to keep up with him (he thinks).

He's refused family holidays for THIRTEEN YEARS. What a self-important dick.

Once he's discovered the 11-year-old needs to wander off and examine interesting rocks instead of marching full tilt, and they both need so many calories to keep going that he'll be lugging a military-sized backpack of snacks & drinks every day, he won't attempt going with your DC until s/he's at least 16. Better look forward to a further 12 years of single-parent holidays, OP.

YANBU, he is a selfish, deluded man.

Of course it's absolutely doable with a child, but you do have to be willing to parent the child, and the OP's DH isn't. He isn't even willing to parent an 11 and 13 year old without a woman around to play mum.

Given the family set up here, the reminiscences of this holiday are going to be a tiny percentage of the memories the SC have that C does not.

In any case, it would likely go like this:
SC: Hey remember the time Dad took us to the Lake District and we saw that huge flock of geese? And then he lost his temper because we complained about having to walk up the next peak when we already had blisters?
C: No.
SC: Oh, you weren’t on that trip because Dad thought you were too little & would hold us up. He left you with your mum.
C: Oh yeah! Mum took me to Pippa Pig World. It was awesome!

I can sort of see where he is coming from. They are all his children and he’s never taken any of them abroad. He doesn’t want to go abroad with young children (plenty of people don’t), he’s waited until they are old enough to enjoy/ appreciate the holiday and now wants to take them. Your shared child isn’t old enough but when they are he will take them. By the time your 4 year old is old enough the step children may not want to holiday with family any more so he doesn’t want to wait. If he’s planning to do the same with 4 year old once they are older then it’s not unfair.

I can also understand why you don’t want to go and YANBU not to go. Encourage him to go alone with them, your DC will get chance in the future.

He sounds completely selfish to me, he doesn't want to be "stuck' with young kids having to do kids things/ activities on holiday. That's the things you do with young kids. Now his own children are older it suits him to go away with just them as they can do things that HE wants to do. That's why he doesn't want your younger child to go. So selfish.

Me too - we’ve taken the kids to Italy (Florence, Pisa, Sienna), Mexico (all the Mayan sites and swimming in cenote when youngest was 7), Jamaica (👎) Florida of course, Cyprus, Greece mixing beach days, kids clubs with all the cultural/history stuff since they were in buggies. Have bad days, just as we have those at home, but if the kids get tired, you chuck ice-cream at them. They loved it and DS can still explain the Mayan 18month calendar and how it’s reflected in the architecture of the temples today. Both are on the spectrum, but nonetheless have created incredible memories.

OPs DH is missing out.

This seems barmy to me. Why would you leave your own child at home to go on holiday with someone else's child?

If I was going to leave my young child for a week, the only thing I'd consider doing that for would be a completely child-free holiday where I got to do exactly as I like.

Your "D"H really is the centre of his little universe, isn't he? With all of you revolving around him to meet his wants and needs.

Tell him you're not going because you don't want to. Seems to have worked for him all these years.

My AIBU was about me going. You think I should go on holiday without my child but with someone else's?

You say yourself your husband is the father of all of your children so it's not really comparable. If he was only a father to your youngest child would you really think he should come away with you and your older kids and leave behind his own?

Why would anyone want to do that?

Did you used to get shipped off while your siblings went on holiday with your parents?

Why would she care about stomping on it when he wants to leave their joint child behind anyway?

He’s a selfish person who only wants to do things on his terms. He thinks there’s no point to holidays with little ones, no thought about whether the mum would actually want to go away, or for the child to have new experiences. Op has had to take their shared child away because he can’t be arsed. Let’s be honest, probably the only reason he wants op to go with them is to do the majority of the work. 4 is more than old enough to realise mummy and daddy are going on holiday with your siblings and leaving you behind. Stand your ground op, if he wants to take his children away for the first time in years, let him. But don’t leave your little one behind to facilitate it.

Personally given how reluctant he has been up to now to holiday with his kids I wouldn't want to stomp on it too quickly

As I say he can do whatever he likes. But I'm not concerned enough about "stomping" on anything if it requires me to go and leave my child behind.

But don’t leave your little one behind to facilitate it

No I definitely won't be!

He is absolute crackers if he thinks this is a reasonable plan.

Tell him he can take DSC away alone or all of you go together including your little one. Remind him he's the one with 3 DC!

Yes I would go visit cousins and my dad would go on trips with my brother's. It worked for us. I'd ask my mom what she thought but she won't remember any of it now. I assumed that she was happy with the situation. A woman home alone for a week without a husband or 4 kids underfoot? Lots of people would think it bliss.

The point is that it's something they enjoy and remember. I have some lovely memories from holidays when I was very young.

I would just tell him that, since he pleases himself when it comes to holidays, he has a right cheek expecting you to do otherwise. The nerve of it!

It's not bizarre from his perspective ... imagine he wants you to do the grunt work and behaviour management for his children on his holiday.

He sounds lovely. Not.