To say to DH this isn't even a discussion and I wouldn't be going on this holiday?

[NellyNilly]

Curious to see what others think of this request from DH as I just think it's a bit bizarre and unreasonable of him to expect.

We share one 4 year old and he has two older children who are 11 and 13 with an ex.

DH has never really been much of a holiday person and so in the years we've been together (6) we have never gone on holiday with DSC.

That's absolutely been his choice, I have said many times over the years I'd be happy to but he's never fancied it and they have always gone with their mum. We've had the odd weekend away in UK but nothing more with them.

I have been away with family and friends since we've been together and also since our child was born I have taken them away with my parents a few times too.

DH is now suggesting that he'd like to take DSC away in the school hols, great I said! Except it turned out in his mind what he was suggesting was us just taking DSC and asking someone to look after our 4 year old. Apparently according to DH it won't be a relaxing holiday with a young child and he'd like to go walking and exploring with me and the older ones that we can't do with our child yet. Said in a few years it'll be fine with our youngest.

I have been on a few holidays now with youngest and always enjoy them so I don't really get or appreciate his reasoning.

I have basically said under no circumstances am I going on a summer holiday with DSC and leaving our child at home. I won't even discuss it to be honest as it would feel absolutely wrong to me. I would not want to go off on holiday with other children and leave my own behind, I simply wouldn't enjoy it knowing we'd done that.

To make it absolutely clear, when I have been away with our child in the past he has not come. He has never been on an abroad holiday with our DC and not DSC so I have no idea why he thinks it'd be fine the other way around but to me it isn't.

He thinks I'm unreasonable, I don't. So what do you think please?

We know someone like this. Loved his adventure travel pre-kids. Decided he should have kids, cos that's what you do. Had kids. Realised he didn't like the hard graft, took a high earning out the country job for 26 weeks a year. Tagged on an adventure trip with colleagues,
Went back to family, hated the day to day and the child centred holidays.
Divorced.
Remarried, basically does all the adventure stuff with new partner while their exes do the heavy lifting with teens.
We often get a short notice call in a 'forgot it was half term and it turns out I need to parent, can we visit you or his other female relatives so they can entertain kids'

He's an arse. Don't let your arse off the hook.

He definitely is old enough to understand that he’s being left out of something that his mum and dad are going to with the other kids, and I find that heartbreaking. It’s not just a day or a weekend, it’s a whole holiday. Some people are saying he won’t remember- I bet he very much will remember.

I've not said he can't take them though. He can. He's a grown adult he can do whatever he likes.

The fact he won't without me isn't my problem. I'm certainly not going to go along and leave my child behind because he won't go by himself just so DSC get to have a holiday with him.

I hope you tell him to jump in the lake when he “forgets it’s half term” (no parent forgets half term)

This is part of it though because he doesn't want to go by himself. He wants me to go too. And I will not go and leave our 4 yo.

DSC getting a holiday with their dad is not that much of a concern to me that I'd go and leave our child behind to make it happen. Maybe harsh!

What a selfish shit dad he is.

He has never taken any of his children on holiday before now? And the DSC and your four year old have never enjoyed a holiday together?

I would put my foot down and insist that this year we have a family holiday which includes something fun for everyone, not just him.

This.

You have got yourself a bloke who doesn't like comprising his life for his children. To the extent he'd leave a 4 year old out of a family holiday. A FOUR year old. Awful, selfish behaviour.

No she’s not saying that at all - she has said she wouldn’t stop him or discourage, she’s just not happy about the fact that that he won’t do the same for their 4yo.

The issue here is that his ex has let him behave like this - probably why he’s the ex - and OP has only just realised that he is never going to go on holiday with their child either unless dc is old enough to share an activity he wants to do.

I grow to appreciate my DH more and more every day I spend on MN.

But they are missing out. Luckily they have their mums to make up for their dads selfishness, but still they are missing out on having a decent dad who does fun stuff with them

Is this wildly out of character for him to be so selfish?

Because my guess is that you do virtually all the parenting for your joint child, and most of it for your step-children. I expect he either works late whenever suits, goes out without thinking and probably has a hobby or two that aren't compromised by having children.

What a selfish arse. I would encourage him to take his older two children on this walking holiday he dreams of. Then I would stay in close contact to hear all about how the kids aren’t cooperating with his plans.

All three of the kids are at an age where a week or two somewhere sunny with a beach and a big pool are what they want.

Most men I've encountered have told me at one point or another that they really struggled with the baby and younger child stages of their kids and once their kids got to the age they could enjoy similar things with them and communicate at a more comparable level, that's the part they preferred and where they really saw their relationships developing.

Well that’s a shot excuse for a human being. Little kids need their parents more than older kids - they aren’t mates - they’re parents.

Just stand your ground and refuse to go. I would never leave a just turned 4 year old without either parent for a week either, unless it was for something urgent like a hospital stay or overseas close relative funeral. It feels much longer than a week for a child of that age, compared to an adult.

Why can’t he just go with the DSC alone? It would probably be great for the DSC to have his undivided attention for a week and the only chance they will get it.

I'd put money on that too. The ex is well rid of him, this is the classic 2nd wife / appeasement baby a PP referred to above.

I'm guessing he wants you to go as well, because there needs to be someone around doing the actual parenting (of his children) after he's done all that exhausting walking and exploring...

Who the fuck does he think he is? And who made him the Boss of Holidays?

I think my response would be "are you out of your fkin mind"... agree totally. stick to your guns.

The reverse of that argument comes up daily on MN in blended family threads. It’s usually the DSC who are left out of holidays with dad’s new family - that’s bad enough, but to suggest that the whole family go on holiday and leave the four year old behind is beyond unfair. They are old enough to appreciate that they’re being left out of something, and probably bewildered as to what they’ve done wrong. The selfish arse needs to step up and accept that they are all his children and he can’t always have what he wants.

This would be divorce territory for me. What a selfish and horrible man he is. I couldn't be married to someone like that.

YANBU at all

he's basically said he can't be arsed taking kids on holiday when they're small cos it's no fun for him, but mine are big now let's all go fuss over them and leave the boring one at home!

absolutely not. Lazy get,

He sounds very selfish. Why does he need you to go too, is he really so lazy he'd refuse to solo parent for a week so his DC can enjoy some quality time with him?

There are plenty of holidays you can go on that include childcare all day and evening child care if he’s that concerned about not having to look after a four year old.

Mark Warner, Nielsen do Greece and Turkey with water sports and biking included.

Plenty of stand alone hotels in the Dolomites and Austrian alps that also provide full time childcare (we booked one for our summer holiday) if he’s more into walking outdoorsy holidays.

Regardless though he sounds like a miserable git and I would hate if my husband acted like our children were a burden to do things with. One of the joys of having children is being able to create wonderful experiences and memories with them.

But he doesn’t want to take his own children by himself….he wants the OP to go and leave their own child at home.

What a selfish prick!

I know that this is a MN chliché but I can see a divorce in your future. Does he really think that parents actually enjoy all the things their children do? We suck it up to create a bond with shared experiences and to develop their interests and skills.

There's nothing to understand or work out here. He's doing what he wants and taking the SC becauae it gets him brownie points or he's trying to get one up in the ex. Take your own holiday and have a great time.

Sounds as if he wants to pretend play "happy families" for SC, but substituting you for their mother. This is all kinds of messed up.

Yes, people remarry and yes, step mums are obliged to accommodate their step kids because step kids were there first and are only kids. But there are limits.

Even if you didn't have a child, most people would respond to a thread saying "am I being unreasonable for staying behind whilst DH takes my step kids on holiday?" by saying "no, that's fine, you have limited annual leave, crack on".

Step mums are not obliged to play substitute mum. Obviously, many do try to form good relationships with their step kids and that is to be encouraged. But frankly, if your DH wants to play happy families, then he has to play the game himself - this means trying to do things together and foster bonding between all members of the family. Being a successful blended family means that the common parent has to work harder. Sounds as if your DH doesn't get this, which is a shame.