To expect DH to not go to football training?

[mrsfruitloop]

I have a tummy tuck consultation on Friday and DS has football training (DH is an assistant coach) all of the consultations are on a Friday so it means I will never be able to go. DH is refusing to miss any training days to allow me to go to the consultation.

He won’t let my mum come and babysit the kids either as he doesn’t want her at our house apparently.

I feel like he is just doing to to stop me from going! He keeps saying it’s a waste of money and I should be spending it on the kids and our family not myself.

Because with posts saying "family comes first" and calling the guy a cocklodger when he's contributing in exactly the same way a SAHM would, I think it's insane that people are saying it's fine she should do what she likes and flounce off for surgery when debt should be the priority. Wouldn't clearing this be more beneficial to the family. Nobody NEEDS cosmetic surgery. Imagine a SAHM worried about debt but her DH wants to get expensive laser eye surgery. People would be calling him an irresponsible arsehole and asking why he can't wear glasses

And every penny be “faaaaaamily money”?

That's usually the consensus, yes.

Of course it's not. Women have kids because they want them.

That's exactly how it works the other way round. If a man is the breadwinner everything is "ours" as the woman is supporting his career by caring for HIS children and he'd be considered a dickhead for spending money on himself rather than clearing debt. People get down about their appearance, it doesn't mean they should throw 1000s at it when other things should be paid off

The joint debt in the SAHPs name needs to be paid off first.

The surgery can wait, the debt that will be increasing each month can't.

I swear if this was a SAHM saying her dh wanted a nose job while she was struggling to pay off 10k of joint debt the replies would be totally different.

He sounds like an asshole in other ways, right enough, but this money issue is totally valid.

@YeahIsaidit

op can’t wear glasses to rectify her c section scar.

so what would you suggest?

Washing properly to get rid of the smell, high waisted clothes or those compression band things? The same thing those that don't opt for expensive surgery do...

This^

Default position on MN is the man is in the wrong/ is a knob/ LTB etc

So he is contributing to the household by working part time and being a SAHP.

You have joint debts.

You want to spend 5k on non-essential surgery and for him to miss a hobby (with some responsibility) so you can go to an appointment.

I can see both sides tbh

Yanbu. You're the breadwinner, pay most bills, own your own home, while he chooses not to work and pay off the debt. I'm glad that you're leaving. You deserve much better than someone who can't Sacrifice one day for you.

That wouldn't be the worst thing to be honest.

Would you have the same opinion if the man was the breadwinner. Oh the SAHM isn't working (enough) to clear joint debts, fuck em he should do what he likes.

As pps have said the double standards on here are disgusting

Not at all - she has made it clear that he is CHOOSING to work part time and that she is happy to increase DC’s childcare hours etc. Threads about SAHM you’ve referenced above are about a joint decision by both parties that one parent stays home (usually the mother due to breast feeding, post partum issues etc, but NOT always). This is NOT the conversation they have had.

The point here is that we could do a reverse: ie we’d be talking about a man asking his wife to skip running brownies for ONE NIGHT or asking if his mum could stay over to help with the kids for that night so that he can see a consultant about a medical procedure (elective or otherwise)… we’d still be saying the WIFE was being an arse to refuse. If the wife was being fully funded by the husband, if she had a flexible PT job and it had been agreed that she’d pay down a joint credit card debt in exchange for other household costs being covered by DH in the interim, it would still be unreasonable to say DH is not allowed to go and see a consultant about a personal medical issue or that he can’t spend the money he’s earned and set aside.

No Double Standard.

@YeahIsaidit

how insulting! Im sure op is more than capable of washing herself properly.

maybe she doesn’t wanna do what everyone else does ie put up and shut up like a good little woman.

He spends his days looking after their 1 year old and does all the school runs so they don't have additional childcare bills to pay and in addition he works three nights per week so he can pay off their joint debt and coaches their DS football team.

Their debt should be paid off before the surgery. I get that OP feels down about it but it's not his debt, it's a joint debt, and she can't decide to spend thousands on surgery when they can't afford it. It's not life threatening.

I'm just going by what others have said with the same skin issue but no smell... Something isn't right and the excuse was "of course I get sweaty" I work a physically heavy job but I wash properly and use deorderant, I don't stink at the end of the day even if I get sweaty.

It isn't putting up and shutting up like a good little woman, it's paying off debt she jointly accrued and being a responsible adult looking after their family

Because it’s a lot more inconvenient for the people in the home, and clearly OPs husband doesn’t like her staying - imagine if it was OPs MIL staying, it’s one thing for the child of the mother to say she’s lovely but the partner doesn’t always have the same opinion 🤷‍♀️ there is a lot of double standards on this thread but it’s typical mumsnet to do that. People need to remember you’re only getting one side of the story and the husband might have a very different POV (perhaps similar to a SAHMs POV…). Just because he’s a male doesn’t mean he’s automatically in the wrong.

SO many mixed comments on this post.

My DH would be livid if I went ahead and booked an appointment without telling him/him agreeing to it prior. (He also coaches) it is a once a week obligation. Because it is only once a week, he wouldn't expect me to book an appointment on that particular day when theres the rest of the week. With advance notice he could have made alternative arrangements? Did you ask him in advance?
At this rate it looks like your mum will just have to come then you can argue over it over the weekend.

Agreed. We serve no real purpose. It's not as if we are gibbons, perpetuating the forest eco system by dispersing seeds when they swing and popping out vegetable matter, thus enriching the soil. Humans don't do anything to contribute.

@PuddlesPityParty

Some posters can be so funny about having people over to their house, especially to stay over! It’s so odd! It’s like no one can infiltrate the precious space of “my little family” (even people who actually are family too like OP’s mum)

@YeahIsaidit

the debt will still be there in a couple of years, it’s not going anywhere. Op‘a happiness is more important.

The OP did say that this arrangement was his choice, but she has also lied about her DH on this thread (saying the debt was his), so I consider the OP to be an unreliable narrator tbh.

And with interest the debt will grow but sure OP doesn't give a shit because it's his debt right, she owns the house and he has the debt and that's all absolutely fine because she's the main earner. He's the one in the wrong, not her blowing 1000s on unnecessary surgery they can't afford. HeR HApPiNeSs Is mOrE ImpOrTaNt. See how happy she no longer has a smelly, floppy gut but an even bigger pile of debt

And every other living thing on the planet would have cause for celebration.

This isn't a great argument.

It's mumsnet, of course the man in any situation is the one in the wrong 🙄

The OP's attitude on this thread has been one of "the marital assets are mine, the marital debts are his, and he's a useless waster who does what he wants all day" (yeah, while looking after a 1yo, then working in the evenings). She clearly holds him in contempt, and she has actually lied about the debts, pretending they were only his responsibility.

The OP's DH is contributing to the family in two ways - by providing childcare that would otherwise cost a lot of money, and by bringing in a part time income. That contribution is easily the equivalent of a full time job!

If she has £5k to spend, it is valid to ask why she gets access to that kind of disposable income while he's struggling to pay off a debt that they both ran up. Letting your partner struggle financially while you are able to save is normally called financial abuse.

In most cases MN says that all income should be pooled, then whatever is left after bills/debts are paid gets split 50/50. Why isn't that applicable here?