Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

So how will that work when the OP wants to treat both HER daughters the same?

@HollyKnight I think some of us have suggested adoption as the OP seems to want her DH to be her eldest DD’s Dad in every sense, to be a full substitute for her DD’s useless bio dad ( and this may include being a financial substitute).

But you’re absolutely right that if he doesn’t want to play that role, adoption isn’t a solution. They either work out another solution or they may decide they’re too far apart for things to work.

Yep quickest way to make sure op and the eldest daughter wouldn’t inherit anything of

Exactly this.

Pay for your own child, with her father OP. It's not for your new partner or his family to bankroll the child of a father who chooses to be absent and you, just because married your partner and his family are well off. You want it? You work for it. Don't get shitty because people won't gift it to you/unrelated DD.

Well, she is.

Paying for neither child to have private education.

Child one's father won't pay for his child, same as OP (probably more can't than won't for OP).

Child two's will.

OP would be treating her children very equally by making exactly the same contribution to both sets of school fees. Zero.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn

Agree 100%

Also, while everyone is saying that OP should have known better and fully assessed what she was getting into, the same could be said for DH.

Many moons ago when I was early 20s, I got involved with a man who already had a child. I knew he and the mother weren’t minted, and that if I stayed with him, that the child would be a drain taking away time and money from me and my potential children. I assessed that I absolutely would not want that as inevitably I would be picking up the tab…. So I didn’t further the relationship.

Clearly, while the DH is happy to meet every day needs of the elder daughter, he does not and has never wanted to contribute to her via inheritance or any of the big ticket items such as education, car, house deposit, wedding and so forth (at least in a big way).

Somehow, DH did a bad job communicating this, or presumed OP would realise this…. But if she doesn’t come from money she’d probably not pick up on the implications of certain conversations or have understanding of ‘how things are done’…..

Honestly, she just needs to make the best of it now that she’s in it.

I know. It's just...she can want what she wants, but it doesn't mean it will happen. She wants a lot of things for her daughter, from other people, but those people don't want that and never agreed to it. And now this lack of alignment is going to destroy the happiness of not just one child but two this time. All because expectations were not agreed on before creating this setup.

What is the outcome when both 'natural' parents of a child have opposite views on something like private education? Who wins?

One capitulates or they go to court and a judge decides.

I think at the very least she would have liked a conversation about it, not just being told which school her youngest will attend. She is the mother after all so she should definitely be part of that conversation.
Then she could have raised the point about the eldest and they could have discussed it.

What if she's dead set against private schools?

I guess a judge decides if they really can't agree.

IMHO it would be an utterly dick move to deny one of your children an excellent education (at zero cost to you) because an unrelated man (who he will be by the time they've divorced) won't gift a private education to another child you had with another man.

I think you’d have to be pretty shit as a parent to deny your child the chance at a better education and chances in life because “wahh it’s not fair” though.

you also have to be fully prepared for that child to quite likely grow up and resent and hate the fact you took away such opportunities.

Most parents would give up anything and do anything to give their child the best chances in life. Not hold them back.

Agreed.

Bloody hell, some of these replies. Oldest DD isn’t Cinderella, to be given the basics and to be bloody grateful for whatever crumb she gets.

DH married OP. When getting married you agree to share one life, finances, everything. He is the only dad the oldest child has ever known, and he agreed to that role when he married OP.

Fine if he and his family want to favour the biological daughter when they die. That’s one thing and that’s what happens when you have testamentary freedom. OP plans to level the playing field however she can. But to send the youngest child to private school just as older child is leaving school - the older child will feel like she is worth less - that’s cruel. It will possibly torpedo her relationship with her stepdad, how is he ok with this?

OP I don’t know what to say because I agree with you that it’s unacceptable and intentionally divisive, and I couldn’t do this. I won’t lie, I very much identify with your older daughter. I didn’t know my father growing up, haven’t seen him for over 40 years despite us living in the same town, and had only fleeting chit chat small talk emails in the last couple of years. I was also the ‘step child’ in a sense (and step grandchild!) but I have never ever felt like that, never been made to feel like a ‘step’ anything. I’m family. That’s how it should be.

I don’t know where you go from here and no advice, just sympathy for your situation x

@Nanny0gg They talk it through, agree to look at the different schools and make an informed decision, don’t they? We live in a city with several school choices, both private and state, and we looked at several, just to see what was out there. Plus you have to apply to the state magnet schools here anyway and rank your choices. DH and I weren’t in complete agreement over the choice order, but it’s worked out.

At the end of the day op your youngest daughter is going to inherit more than your oldest no matter if you divorce or stay with your dh. The private schooling if you did divorce and couldn’t come to an agreement would be decided by a judge and most likely would go in his favour.

The only decision you need to make is if you are happy to continue in your marriage when slowly the differences are now starting to appear. The grandmother stating she hasn’t seen youngest on their own for 2 years and now wants one on one time, what do you plan to do there? I’m hoping your daughter knows that your dh isn’t her biological father - I haven’t seen you say she knows?

As I said at the beginning your youngest is going to inherit no matter what happens so it’s down to if you want to continue your marriage. For me personally it would be a no and I would be divorcing.

He is the only dad the oldest child has ever known, and he agreed to that role when he married OP.

Not really, @AllThePotatoesAreSinging As several posters have pointed out, he hasn’t adopted her and if they split up, he’d have no right to see his stepdaughter. That’s the crux of the problem, different expectations as to his role.

Objectively no one’s wrong, but subjectively I’d be causing havoc.

@JuicyOrange01 has it perfectly with this. This sums it up. I feel for you - and your older DD - too, OP.

I'm also not understanding the issue over the child inheriting Vs DH. Because OP is aware DH is going to only pass inheritance to his DD...so why does it matter now whether it comes from Nan to DD, or from Nan via DH to DD?

I get that he didn’t adopt her, but I’m not talking about legal agreements, I’m talking about the idea you promise to share a life, everything - the point of marriage. He married OP knowing that dd would be there full time. Threads like this leave me disappointed in people.

Like you say, different expectations.

And this is why I think most wealthy people (that are born into it and haven’t worked hard for it) are wankers. All these ‘rules’ and blood being thicker than water and all that.

I’d honestly leave the Bastard and refuse him to have either daughter at the time of the wedding. Just take them for a lovely weekend, don’t tell the youngest about it and then ‘oops I didn’t realise we missed it sorry’. It’s all messed up.

let them send her to private school if they want but otherwise get them out of your life. And stop them damaging your eldest daughter self esteem.

Yep

@AllThePotatoesAreSinging I know what you're saying, but we see so many MN posts about step-parents: are they over-stepping their role in one situation; should they do more or less in another, etc.

One frequent theme is that in general, step-parents shouldn’t be unpaid babysitters nor cash cows for the bio parents.

Not once has the OP said she expects her husband to pay hundreds of thousands for eldest child's education! She thought they'd both be going to state school - as they are for primary. It's her husband who's insisting on private school for the youngest. If two biological parents have two children and can only afford to send one to private school - would they be reasonable to pick their favourite and pay for them only? Because that's the position the OP is being put in by her husband.

Yes, she may have been very naive. Yes, she probably should have made different choices years ago. But she is where she is and is only just realising the extent to which her husband sees two girls differently - despite his claims to the contrary. And no, he has no legal obligation towards the eldest girl at all - but, given he told OP he'd love and treat her like his own, he does have a moral obligation towards her.

Not in response to this question, but in my family (not immediate) the grandparents changed their will to redirect inheritances directly to grandchildren rather than children, when one child married a woman with pre-existing children.

They didn't want their money to go into their son's "family pot" on their death, to be divided between their bio grandchildren via him and his step-DC (who will inherit (or not) from their own grandparents). The grandparents did this to avoid any possibility of their son changing his will to include the step-DC, thereby disadvantaging their GDC.

I think you're asking why OP cares that her youngest will receive an inheritance directly from her grandparents within (say) 10 years, rather than from her own dad in (say) 40 years. I guess she thinks her DDs will be old enough at that point to understand the difference. Easy solution would be for the DH's parents to set up a trust for the youngest that she can only access when she's older. That might not be so big an ask for the DH to put to his parents...