Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

Or, “hey, husband to be - what role do your parents envisage taking in regards my child? If we have children, I’m concerned about them not being considered equal to one another, and one being at a comparable disadvantage”

Yes, OP said her older daughter doesn’t know anything about the invitation so all this is passing her by and she’s fine. She has a mother that is clearly passionate about protecting her feelings so she’ll be more than fine.

OP has said herself that she doesn’t see a difference in how he treats her two children so she got exactly what she signed up for when she married and chose to have another child. She also said she knew there was money in the family and she made wrong assumptions about how that money would end up filtering down. So no, I definitely don’t feel bad for the OP. She sounds like she’s gone crazily over the top with her resentment towards her MIL who has done nothing wrong and the poor old lady who just wants a picture of her with her own descendants.

@InterIgnis It’s definitely a good idea to discuss family assets, but let’s be honest, when you’re in love and happy, you often don’t think about all that. I certainly didn’t when I met my DH!

The OP and her DH need to have a good talk about their family and see whether they can work things out. Clearly they’ve had mismatched expectations up to now.

Her oldest was never going to inherit from her dh and thus never from his family.

Going out on a limb most people don’t suddenly decide to go to private school unless it’s new money so I’m going to assume the ops dh and his family members have been though private school so should be no surprise again that he would want his child too.

You’ve got two children with a five year age gap would it not also be easy to see that maybe some things even if they where biological full siblings be 1 on 1 to fit the age better. Again it’s not the little ones fault that the older siblings family are shit and nor should she be denied a good strong relationship with a family who clearly love her. They are not looking to ban the older the gps just want some one on one with the little. I don’t see the ultimate harm here.

10 isn’t a baby nor a teen but it’s old enough to be able to have some things explained.

More realistically:

"Hey, fiancé, seeing as we're getting married and we both know we want kids, we should probably have a conversation about money. Obviously I've twigged by now that your family is minted, and you know mine isn't and obviously you know about DD. How do you envisage things shaking down in the future as between DD and any future kids we might have together? Do we both think I'm going to continue working or will one of us be a SAHP? What if one of us gets seriously sick, who's going to look after DD and any future kids? What would happen to my and our kids if one of us dies early? What about if we break up? 50% of marriages end in divorce, after all, and you know I've been there once before. I can't handle going through all that again, I really want to be clear on what the future might hold. I don't care what your answers are to these questions, I just need to know so I can make informed decisions."

That's really not a million miles from the conversations I had with DH many moons ago. It's not that hard.

Eh? So poor old husband gets to make the choice himself about youngest child's schooling and doesn't care what her mother thinks about it?

In the case of your two friends, do the children live with them full-time? Did they ever say they would treat the step children as their own?

Then that’s on you 🤷🏻‍♀️ being in love and happy doesn’t negate the fact that it’s your responsibility to find out these things, especially if you’re also responsible for a child that will be impacted by your choices.

I imagine it’s easy to not think about these things if you don’t have assets, but when you do (or are marrying someone who does) they require consideration. I spoke about finances with my now husband, and our finances included family wealth on both sides - hence we spoke about it.

It's about way more than the wedding now and I'm absolutely sure all this isn't passing her by! She will be aware of the massive discrepancy in the way she's treated and the way her younger sister is treated - and that will get more and more obvious as time goes on.

I think it's very contradictory of OP to say she doesn't see a difference in how her husband treats the two girls, given the private school conversation! Quite clearly he doesn't see or treat eldest as his own!

I think MIL was quite cruel to complain that she never sees her granddaughter without her sister there - like the poor girl's mere presence is somehow detrimental to her relationship with her grandchild, so I disagree that MIL has done nothing wrong.

I think the photo with the old lady is a bit of a red herring and not something I'd be too focused on personally. There are far bigger issues going on here.

@InterIgnis Oh I agree, I was definitely young and daft when I met my DH! I hope that I’d have been more thoughtful if I’d had a child to consider.

That’s why the OP and her DH need to talk all this through now.

I honestly think I'd be tempted to divorce rather than subject my child to growing up feeling like an outcast and a second class citizen.

The DH doesn't get to make the decision unilaterally, the youngest girl is both of theirs. But I wouldn't want to be the mother who denies one child a better (assuming it is better, of course) education just because the eldest can't have it. I'd probably tear myself apart trying to make up for it some other way with the eldest. Not a nice situation to be in.

For the friend whose SD left school at 16 because she was pg: he never undertook to parent the SD because she was old enough to have a say herself. She moved out shortly after the baby was born (as is happens, within a few weeks of when my friend's second DC was born). The SD and her now primary-school aged son live a 10 minute walk from the SD's half siblings (the youngest of whom is the same age as her own son). The contrast between the two families couldn't be more stark, though. It's a terrible situation, for everyone, and I dread what the future holds because the differences are only going to grow. The SD is now in her mid-20s, and yes she is somewhat resentful but she also knows none of this was planned, it's just the way the cookie crumbled. The worst part is that her son goes to the local (terrible) state primary; her half siblings (same age as her son and younger) go to the local, amazing, private feeder school. The consequences of this could be felt for decades and into the next generation.

For the other couple: on a day to day level, the dad treats them all the same. He has 3 kids in the house and does the same for all of them on a day to day level. The age gap means that now that the eldest is starting GCSEs in state school, the youngest (by the same mum + new step dad) are coming towards the end of primary in private. The eldest is smart and, tragically, could have really availed of the excellent opportunities the younger two benefit from. But, the mum has prostrated herself to foster a full and busy life for the eldest outside of school and separate from the younger ones. The SD picks up more than 50% of duties for his own DC to allow her to do this. The SD has been given (and dealt very maturely with) a lot of responsibility and freedom from a young age. She's lovely, really. I mean you never know what goes on behind closed doors, but to the outside observer she's just a lovely teenager. Her mother couldn't be more proud of her, and it shows.

I am really sorry for what you and your daughter are going through OP. No one decided to grow up feeling left out and like the black sheep of the family. Take care of yourself and your daughter, she has her entire life ahead of her and you have the power to ensure that those people won’t leave her scared. You’re in control and you dictate what’s to come, I’m sure you’ll make the right decision. All the best to the both of you 🌺

Completely different situation. All of these are threads where the birth mother is very much in the picture, has majority or 50:50 residency and yet both parents see fit to offload their parental responsibilities onto the SM, usually last minute and/or on the mum's time. (But God forbid the SM does any actual parenting, such ad reprimanding DSC for misbehaving in the SM's own home.)

@shenandoahvalley Thank you for the response! I do understand your way of seeing it now. I personally couldn't be the mother who agreed to such a mismatch in my own children's opportunities though. That's why I feel more sorry for the OP than the husband. If he had two biological children, he wouldn't seriously suggest just one of them goes to private school because they can't afford it for both, so it's simply not true that he treats the eldest as his own.

@NotThatWitty

If they were full siblings and he had parental responsibility for the elder daughter then you might have a point….

But he is not her father and is not responsible for paying for her education.

If her mother wants her to have the same as her sister then maybe she and the father should work for it.

People need to stop suggesting adoption as a solution. He doesn't want her to be his daughter. He doesn't see her as his daughter. All that was required of him was to treat her well, which the OP says he has up until this point. As far as he is concerned, he has one child, and that one child is who will inherit from him and his family. You can't expect his family to see her - and treat her - as more than he does.

@CatamaranViper

She wants both girls treated the same.

So either he pays for both - because she can’t/won’t. Or the younger misses out on the opportunity in order to appease the elder’s feelings about the unfairness of life.

Which will result in the younger massively resenting the elder. I can’t see there is a good solution out of this tbh.

The best thing she can do is stay with her husband and try and get support to deal with the issues - work on elder’s self esteem and relationships with her own family etc. To leave him won’t erase the elder’s issues, in fact it will create more for her and issues for the younger girl who appears fine so far.

Well, most importantly, the eldest already has a dad!

Wow.

I think you are seeing for the first time how your husband truly is and that is the biggest shock ? If he lives both the girls the same , how come he is not paying for the oldest private school ? Sorry but your husband is not who you think he is . Please make sure you keep a “ escape route “ to this relationship with your own money .
I dont care how old the gran is none of the kids would set foot in that wedding and if the rest if the family wants to cut contact then even better , less bad influence for your children .

@WaitingForMojo

It is absolutely depriving her of a top class education, upward social mobility, higher earning capacity, ability to get on the property ladder and so forth.

If she wishes to share her inheritance/advantages with her sister that is up to her when she is an adult.

I just can’t understand why anyone would want to stop one of their children having great advantages in life if available to them.

The DH and his family are absolutely not going to contribute tens of thousands to the elder daughter, it’s crystal clear. And everything will be ring fenced and prevented from going anywhere else but to the biological daughter/granddaughter.

I'm honestly baffled by your husbands lack of back bone when it comes to his family. I wouldnt go to the wedding and I wouldn't let youngest go either, husband is just going to deal with it, we're a family unit, sure he can't make his family love your daughter but he's not loving her either knowing how upset and hurt she's going to be. For me it would be a deal breaker, it's not the wedding it's the way his family treat you all. My husbands family treat his step sons the exact same way they treat their bio grandsons. You would never know they weren't all related.

Maybes.

Maybe it is the grandparents that have offered to pay or contribute, and they feel that with the other brother now getting married they want to be careful how much they commit, as what they do for one grandchild they want to do for all of them.

To me it reads more like OP is only now having to confront the reality of the decisions she made. She knew what the situation was, and accepted it in theory. Now she’s living it and it’s not something she can change. No matter what she does, there will be these differences between her daughters.

Why would he pay for private school for the eldest? It’s not his responsibility.

I think OP needs a bit of a reality check. She can stay in this situation, or leave.

If she stays: Eldest DD has no paternal family, actual dad doesn't want to know. DH provides for and helps raise her eldest, but it does seem that the day to day household basics will not extend to big financial privilege such as private education nor his own families inheritance. Many women who post on the step parenting forum are told "butt out, the child has two parents and you are neither" whereas here, it seems DH is the devil for already doing way more for this child than any other father figure does, despite having zero obligation too.

If she leaves: Eldest DD still has no paternal family. And now no DH to play the role he was. Youngest DD will continue to benefit from her loving paternal family, their support and money and there's nothing OP can do to stop that, as she is not the authority over DH as she seems to think she is. Equal parents.

So, OP what's better. No father figure at all and a single parent to your eldest, 50/50 (a guess) custody of your youngest who will remain with the privileges of her paternal family. Or a basic father figure to your eldest, full custody of your youngest who will remain with the privileges of her paternal family.

And please take ownership of your life choices OP. You had two children, one with a completely absent and interested father, then another with a present very interested (and solvent) father. Turns out he won't provide hundreds of thousands of pounds of school fees and inheritance to a child that's not his. He will provide a home and her other needs. You are completely unreasonable to expect the former from him. You have zero acknowledgement that he's already doing a country mile better than her actual father, despite having absolutely no obligation too, you seem to entirely gloss over that, you genuinely think it's yours and your DDs entitlement.