To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

I think you need to clarify the position for the 8 week old ASAP. You don't want to fly all that way to find they don't want the baby there either.

If the baby isn't welcome either your best bet is to either stay at home and send DH abroad alone or to go on the holiday as planned and you, baby and toddler all skip the wedding.

There's also a risk the baby is late and is closer to 6 weeks old - will you be able to get their birth registered and a passport issued in that time?

In my experience childless couples are clueless when it comes to this sort of things - and they change very quickly when they have children of their own!
When we are abroad for weddings we hire a qualified baby sitter twice - once to give them a trial and if they are Ok we leave our children with them for the wedding. If a hotel has a kids club we leave them in the kids club with the baby sitter - in a foreign country - two kids one baby sitter each so we know they have an adults full attention.
It sounds like you need to make a decision if you are happy with childcare options or you might be missing the meal to look after your kids.
I think you are implying your 2month old will be at the dinner with you - not sure how that will work but I bet they will not be welcome.

I woudn't leave my 3 year old in this situation. If I were you I would leave the wedding and not have the meal either, just bow out at that point with the kids.

I went to a wedding with my children at similar ages. 4 weeks and 3. We didn’t know anyone but the bride. When we arrived at the meal Wes realized my kids were the only ones there and all the other kids (all family) were being fed and taken care of separately, so my son had no one to play with anyway. He ate and then was invited to join the other kids. We had never met the care giver or the other kids but he had the best time. They ate treats and watched movies and eventually he fell asleep and we got to enjoy our evening! So don’t rule out the child minder, if you’re comfortable once you’ve me them then you might all end up having a great night

It’s been no kids from the get go ? So we wouldn’t be going or hubby goes alone ….

OP

Please correct me if I'm wrong!!

You had NO kids at your wedding but you are upset because you are going to a relatives wedding and like you they want no children??

lol.

"I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know."

Upstairs in the Bridal Suite with a family friend - that is the "childcare" on offer.

Depending on the 3 year old I would use the childcare provided even if in a different country. Certainly when my dc were a similar age I often put them in childcare where the carers and other children spoke a different language though as my dc spoke English someone normally understood a bit. They were always happy to go and even eager to go the next time.

I think you're being ridiculous. And I say that as someone who provided tables, chairs and meals for all the children at her wedding.

He'll be 3, it's a family wedding and he's being looked after at the venue by people ehe'll probably have met by then. Worst case, you won't be able to leave him entirely alone the whole time so might have to zip back and forth - perhaps your DH taking turns.

Don't be silly, it's different now it's her children!

Ok - missed that. So not really "childcare" then? And the family friend can't be that much of a friend if they aren't invited to the wedding themselves!

mine is now 5 and I would have issues with this !!!

suggest that you wait ok visit bride and groom between ceremony and meal before t your husband will attend for you both

To be honest, I don’t see both parents being able to sit at the table at this hour with a 2 month old AND a toddler. If it was me, I’d probably switch with my DH for the dinner and not bring the kids to the reception because I don’t think the kids would enjoy it (and therefore I wouldn’t either, but that might just me!). You say overseas, not sure what the time difference is as well which might be worth taking into account.

Ds was about 8 weeks old when we went to Spain for a holiday, admittedly not a long flight. He was the easiest to deal with on the holiday tbh as dh was in a foul mood ( he didn't like the hotel room) and dds were hormonal pre teens (dd1 actually started her period on this holiday).

Go to the wedding; leave your DH to do the meal part alone; get room service with the babies, and thank your lucky stars you have a good reason to skip the wedding meal. It would be tough with a small baby even if the three-year-old had a place.

We also travelled half way across the world for a family wedding… also took our children… had a 2 week holiday around the wedding. Our children came to the wedding ceremony and drinks, but weren’t invited for the meal… the bride had organised for them to be looked after with the other children from her side of the family, her nieces/nephews etc. We didn’t know the babysitter or the other children, but I do obviously know the bride and groom well and trusted them to have sorted appropriate childcare. We weren’t far away… easy to reach if someone wasn’t happy… it was all fine - kids had a ball, made new friends, had a really happy time. So did we… wedding meal was great fun… maybe don’t overthink too much… sounds like your 3 year old will be in the same building as you, easy to reach - looked after by babysitter trusted by your BIL and SIL… enjoy your meal, hopefully he will have fun, then take them off to bed and leave your DP to stay the rest of the wedding with his DB. And - good luck with the new baby and enjoy your hols!!!!

I know people fly with young babies and maybe they are just braver/tougher than I am! But 2 months seems pretty young for such a long haul flight.

What if there is some kind of health issue that is still being sorted? And you're still taking the baby for regular hospital appointments etc.

I wouldn't leave my 3 year old with a random babysitter so I'd have to dissappear at the same time my child was expected to dissappear. So instead of asking for my child to attend the meal, I'd let them know they wouldn't need a seat for me at the table instead.

You say they haven't mentioned the baby, I would clarify what they expect you to do with your baby.

It's unfair to keep throwing at the IP that she had a child free wedding. At the time none of her family had dc. And presumably she wasn't asking them to go on a long haul flight to attend! It's a completely different situation.

But this isn’t your wedding though is it and the couple in question have said it’s no children.

To be honest I think you should go to the ‘day’ with your son and husband then take your son back to your hotel for the rest of the night and your husband stay for the meal and then enjoy the rest of your two weeks all together, your only going to be apart for a few hours and your son will be with you and you would of joined in with the most important part

That was quite the drip feed, from ‘child-free wedding’ to ‘he’s the ring-bearer’.

Have to say that if I were flying half way around the world with my young family, I’d expect some flexibility over my (related) children - especially if one is ring-bearer. The venue likely have a large childseat he could use?

Sounds to me as though the best solution is for DH to attend the wedding during an abridged trip and you to stay home with the kids. Weddings where you don’t know anyone are bloody awful, even without the kids, so I’d take this as a great excuse to stay home. Encourage hubs to go without you for the shortest time he can bear, given the journey time/cost/jet lag (unless he would rather stay home with you, DS and newborn, which should also be understanable).

I see a later post says you were going for an extended visit/holiday, but you’ll find that it will be dominated by wedding stuff, so I’d arrange to visit in a year or so when kids are older and there are no family distractions.

Just enjoy the day, and you take the kids off in the evening, and let DH enjoy the meal with his family. It's their wedding. I wouldn't want a tired 3 year old at my evening wedding meal.

This is also an option. Go for the wedding and you and kids opt out of the rest.

One day they’ll have kids and realise how hard it is - and how unreasonable they’ve been for encouraging you to travel around the world for a wedding and being so inflexible.