To refuse to travel at 20 weeks pregnant

[Kofifi]

I have been put forward to attend an important event for work in San Fransisco, when I will be 20 weeks pregnant. I find these events exhausting at the best of times and am really dreading the idea of doing it pregnant. Especially with the long travel (16hr) involved.

I was planning to tell work that I'm pregnant after my 12 week scan next week. And I ideally want to use it as a reason to say I don't want to do any long haul trips.

But everywhere I google it says there's no reason I can't travel at 20 weeks. And so I'm worried they'll make me go anyway.

Aibu to think I should be able to opt out?

You can definitely say you’d prefer not to, and most employers would be understanding. But I don’t think it’s an automatically obvious thing. In fact lots of women might be annoyed to be not considered just because they are pregnant. So you’ll need to see how this lands.

My contract just says something vague that I'm expected to travel occasionally. I have another trip in europe a couple of weeks before that I would still go on.

Someone else would be able to take my place and it is seen as a "desirable* trip to be assigned. I mean its San Fran...

I know I'm not disabled or incapacitated but I have had a very tough first trimester. This is my first pregnancy. I know its supposed to get easier but I'd still like to minimize stress where I can.

Not sure if it will clash with any appointments yet. That's a good point.

You’d need to say you’re really struggling and be clear you hate these things more than most, as being 20 wks pregnant alone is certainly not a standard reason to be opting out of these things

Everywhere I’ve worked there would be others who would love the trip, there’s no harm in asking not to do it if you really don’t want to. It will likely have an impact on how people view you but it’s your choice, and if you’re happy to step your career back for a bit around mat leave then you’ve nothing to lose. If you want to push on however and want people to treat you as no less ambitious then that’ll be harder to achieve if you back out of this now.

Why are we so unkind to each other as women?

I wouldn't have wanted to travel 16hrs at 20 weeks pregnant

What does it do for equality of opportunity if women want to duck out of responsibilities because they have started a healthy pregnancy?

Assuming that as you are planning on telling work at 12 week, you're not there yet. That first trimester sucks, you're so knackered all the time.

In terms of timing though, the second trimester is the sweet spot between being knackered and sick early on, and huge and knackered at the end. 20 weeks is a good time to travel. I don't think there's any medical reason you can't tbh but only you know how they will take a refusal to go.

Many of us wouldn't want to travel 16 hours even if we weren't pregnant. How is anyone being "unkind?"

God, some of you are harsh. Keep licking that boot, eh. Anything for your taskmasters.

As a manager, I would find it entirely reasonable that someone would not want to do this, but that's just me.

I would not travel long haul while pregnant, but then I suffered from extreme sickness and fatigue till around 6 months. A trip like this would have been a nightmare for me, physically and mentally.

Lots of unexpected things can happen during pregnancy, and I don't think it's unreasonable to stay close to home.

YANBU to not want to go. You’ve said it yourself you find these trips tiring at the best of times and want to minimise stress! It’s not really a super important trip and someone else who wants to go will be able to have the opportunity to do so.

I agree that medicolegally you can’t use the pregnancy as an excuse not to go but I’m sure if you just explain the above to your boss they will be very understanding especially if there’s others who can go and will want to. If all else fails and they insist you do, you could then get GP to sign you off saying you’re not feeling well enough to do that flight which in my opinion (as a pregnant woman and a medical dr) is completely reasonable. Just because insurance and flight companies are happy for you to fly at that arbitrary time point doesn’t mean that you should be forced to. In the same way that you can still go to work with a cold and many people will, however many people won’t if they feel horrid with it and don’t feel they can do their job. There’s other parts to your job that you can do whilst in the UK. Believe you me people get signed off for much less.

As others have suggested you may feel a lot better by 20 weeks. I had an exhausting 1st trimester and had awful sickness but flew to Cape Town 18-20 weeks pregnant and I loved it - however that was a holiday and not a work trip. Everyone has different experiences as a pregnant woman and it’s a very vulnerable time- trust your gut and don’t feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to.

Good luck and congrats :)

I suppose you could ask why it's so surprising we've tried for decades to be treated equally in the workplace and yet find it's still impossible.
Then you read threads like this and understand why employers are still reluctant to employ us.

I think the issue about appointments is one to bear in mind. Also that you might suffer more from joint pain etc as ligaments soften so actually it could be uncomfortable.
I completely understand why you wouldn't want to go. I also think work might be less sympathetic so I'd find a reason such as back pain etc to supplement my case.

It's not unreasonable to stay home if a woman has a pregnancy like yours, obviously. But refusing a work trip at 20 weeks, when you're otherwise totally fine, just because you happen to be pregnant, is taking the piss.

I’m not a bootlicker, I just actually like my job and feel some responsibility towards it and my colleagues.

By all means put your hand up and say you personally don’t fancy it, but to make out women shouldn’t be doing things at 20 wks pg is putting us all back 50 years

Long haul travel and pregnancy are both risk factors for DVT. The company should be able to do an occupational health assessment and make reasonable adjustments.

sounds like the OP is fine to do her work and travel within Europe for her job. I don’t think being reluctant to travel long haul while pregnant is as unreasonable as some people are making out.

And the return flight as well.

YANBU. I would check with your midwife and GP. It's long haul flights that can be problematic. I had to get permission to travel on a flight from Manchester to Belfast when I was 27 weeks pregnant with my third child to attend my father's funeral. It takes 45 minutes! That was 2001.

Unless you are still suffering debilitating sickness, there really isn't a reason why you can't go.

I would however, make sure they do a risk assessment, and allow you to opt out of any evening socialising so you can get enough sleep.

We should be striving to achieve equity, not equality.

I live abroad and wasn't able to travel with my third baby like I had done with my first two when pregnant. It exhausted me so much that it would make me physically sick for days afterwards. I had the baby and quite happily manage my 3 young children, including plenty of air travel. Being pregnant puts a different strain on one's body than just parenting.

I also like my job and feel personal responsibility towards my colleagues but there have been times during this pregnancy that I haven’t been able to travel 1hr train journey to work. The honest truth is that if something happened to me or my pregnancy - my work place would continue to run. Therefore you need to look out for number one. One person cannot prop up an entire system and should be able to say if they don’t feel comfortable doing something.

I don’t think anyone is saying that there is/ should be a blanket rule that at 20 weeks you shouldn’t fly. The OP is asking about her individual situation and is saying she is worried about stress and fatigue with the flight. That might not be a problem for you or others which is completely fine but if it is for her then I don’t think she’s putting women back 50 years by asking not to go. If there was true equality - men would be able to get pregnant too - I’m pretty sure the rules around the workplace would change dramatically if they could experience it themselves 😂

Your employer will have to insure you as well should anything happen and you end up in hospital. It's a lot of money in the USA. Obviously expensive insurance as well. You need to let your employers know but do wait until the three months of pregnancy has passed.

@Meadowfinch - but I'm not going to know if I'm still suffering with sickness ahead of time?

As i said before its been a very tough first trimester. Its my first pregnancy so I have no reference for how I will feel by 20 weeks. Maybe I'll feel great and will be kicking myself for missing the opportunity but with how I feel right now I can't think of anything worse.

Achieving equality in the workplace does not mean denying the reality of living in a female body. The same goes for anyone else with a marginalised body. This isn't a quick trip to Skegness. Expecting a pregnant employee to fly for 16 hours is COMPLETELY unreasonable.

@Kofifi

Just so you know, OP, you'll get comments like this a lot when pregnant, and my antenatal group unanimously agree that pregnancy was far more bothersome and tiring than having a baby.

It not a useful, kind or even true thing to say for many women.

Yes unfortunately for many women being shut out at work starts as soon as they announce their pregnancy.