To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

Dear god, what an evil piece of work she is!! 😱

Precisely.
It's just about possible that the OP's MIL is old enough for this to be a generational issue - my MIL is in her 80s and has a very young grandchild as she had a child in her 40s who had a child in his 40s - but it would be very unusual. Far more likely that the MIL is around my age (late 50s) or younger and had her babies in the 90s or even possibly early 2000s in which case she will have received broadly similar advice on infant feeding to nowadays. The WHO introduced the International Code on the Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes in 1981. The UNICEF Baby Friendly Initiative was started in 1991. The WHO recommended exclusive breastfeeding to 6 months in 2001 and the UK adopted that as official guidance in 2003. Whilst of course it takes time for attitudes and practice to change, most people who are becoming grandparents now will not have received the state sanctioned promotion of formula that the previous poster refers to and there haven't been huge changes in guidance since "that generation" had their own babies!
Yes, the OP's MIL may have been affected by a bad breastfeeding experience of her own or been influenced by societal pressures - that's still happening today - but her appalling behaviour almost certainly cannot be explained away by her age.

Handling it would be him saying “Mum if I hear one more comment about breastfeeding out of you, you won’t be seeing me or the baby again until she’s an adult!”

Not looking a bit embarrassed while his mum bullies you.

Reading that made me feel so protective of you, I would love to get her told! What a stupid woman. How is your husband not protecting you better when all of us can feel the strain and exhaustion of it in your words 😡

You've done well to bite your tongue. I doubt she'll ever go back to the nicer side of herself so I wouldn't worry about burning any bridges. Get her kept at arms length and enjoy your baby fully without her constant crowing.

DH definitely needs to step up. It sounds like she could do with some counselling but I doubt if she'd agree.

You are an incredibly patient and understanding lady! Your MIL's behaviour is utterly bizarre. I've never heard of such a strange scenario. Your DH has to sort this out, you should relax and enjoy breastfeeding.

Good grief. This is appalling. Tell her to fuck off, she's completely unhinged.

Then I'd breastfeed for as long as I possibly could just to piss her off 😅

Yes, as pp have said I don't recognise this:

I think like a lot of people have said, this has come from her having her babies in the 70’s/80’s where formula was praised as the gold standard to feed babies. Breastfeeding was seen as weird.

Had both my babies in the mid 80s and we were told breast is best and really encouraged to try. My own mother (who had her babies in the 50s) tried to breast feed but was scuppered by her MIL who used to get in first with a bottle to "give her a break". I think, again as pp have said, that it wasn't as well understood how supply and demand of breast milk worked then, so a lot of young women, like Mum, were told they didn't have enough milk, so they gave up. No wonder they didn't though if their MILs were bottle feeding willy nilly. It didn't help that they lived with her either.

Having said that my mother, who would be in her 90s now if she were still with us, always encouraged me to breast feed and wouldn't have dreamt of bottle feeding my babies behind my back. Neither would my MIL come to think of it, and they were the same age.

I don’t know what to suggest about your MIL but I just want to say well down for carrying on in the face of her hostility. It’s hard to breastfeed (at first at least) with support so to pursue it with her being such a bitch to you about it is really admirable.

I don't think this is out of character at all

Stop looking for a relationship that isn't there.

And if your husband won't tell her to shut up and behave, you'll have to.

And if she turns up unannounced then don't let her in,

Can your family help? What are they like?

(Oh and the 80s - everyone I knew breastfed)

I am breastfeeding the baby and that's that. I want to hear no further negative comments.

If you wish to bring your family to visit, can you please give me a couple of days' notice.

If you wish to visit please ring in advance.

Apart from the above, is she quite well?

You also need to point out to your husband that either you or his mother WILL be upset.

Which one will he choose?

Is this the first time you've come across someone like this in your personal life OP?
You need to get ASSERTIVE and stop acting like a door mat. This is who your MIL is as a person. She's fundamentally horrible, so don't bother trying to get back the 'relationship.'

You need to get ASSERTIVE and stop acting like a door mat

This.

Plus don't ever let that woman have unsupervised access to the baby or he's likely to end up with a bottle of formula.

"I'll feed my baby how I see fit and if you don't like it, you can all fuck off"

sorry but I would just ban MIL from your house altogether till you child is at least 5!! she is overstepping every mark that there is! your hubby needs to stand up for you more and kick her into touch. who the hell does she think she is. lock your doors so she cannot just walk in. pretend you are out or throw your coat on and say you are just going out!!! do not let her in! block all her relatives!

I'm sorry but the relationship you had with her before hand is well and truly over.

How can you actually forgive someone who purposely:

• mocks you behind your back
• expects you to do tasks that physically hurt you
• belittles you
• tries to turn people against you
• disrespects you
• shames you
• believes you don't actually care about your own baby

I'm sorry but these behaviours show how little she actually likes or cares about you. And this will continue in the future. For now it's feeding, but soon it'll be sleep training, rear facing, weaning etc etc. It sounds like she won't be told she's wrong so I can't see how she'll readily accept current advice re car seats and weaning and will see you doing anything different from what she did back in the day, a slight against her.

Imo the damage is irreparable. Time to accept she isn't who she pretended to be.

I'd be so close to telling her that if she mentions my fucking tits or bad mouths me one more time she can fuck off.

I think you are doing an amazing job, OP, after what sounds like a really stressful start. Hurray for you and your knockers!!

I'd put money on your DH's first marriage breaking down because he was a spineless man who allowed his mum to bully his partner.

Does your DH want two broken marriages behind him?

He needs to step up and you need to step back.

Your MIL needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she will not be seeing you or the baby because she's a bully and maybe once the baby is past breastfeeding age, so in a couple of years 🤔 you may look to re-establish the relationship if she calms the fuck down and stops being such an utter bitch.

You've been incredibly patient about this situation. I would have lost it with her a long time ago. She sounds nasty and batshit. You're doing an amazing job feeding your baby. If it was me and she showed up unannounced, I would not be answering the door to her.

I formula fed my two babies but on any future children i would try to BF first if possible as formula is SO expensive :O I was paying £30 per week per baby i couldnt believe it

Your MIL has changed OP. Your H needs to recognise this and respond accordingly. You are his family and he needs to step up.
Reduce contact . If H wants to take your child to visit that’s one thing, but subjecting you to her bullying behaviour is quite another. I think you need to go NC and refuse to allow her to visit your home.

I don’t say this lightly but her bullying can’t continue. She’s passed the line and either needs to change or go.

You lost me at ‘indoor security camera’. That’s disgusting and invasive.

My DM is a medical professional, so I’ve had access to obstetric consultants, midwives and lactation consultants as part of my mother’s friendship group too.

I wonder if MIL feels like she has had her nose put out of joint and feels jealous that you are getting more support from your family because they know better than she does?

Regardless, you and your DH need to be more assertive with her and put boundaries in place. This baby is your child not hers.

Oh, and belated congratulations

Why on earth would you want to have a relationship with that awful, vile woman? And expose your precious newborn to her too? Tell her to fuck off and tell her why. It's better to have no relationship at all with a grandparent than to have one with a toxic one.

Also, your DH is not handling it. He doesn't want to upset her? But is happy for YOU to be upset? Fuck that.