To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

They reply to you as I did as and when they reach the reach the comment…. We don’t scroll through pages then go back to find the comment to respond to.

Well done @Chunkychips23
Its a shame your husband isn’t listening to your needs, you don’t need excuses for MIL poor attitude, you need him to call her out every single time!!

Really? What law is that then

As 10 people pointed out by now - there is no such law. I was wrong.

@ElbiTut You're having a cancel the cheque moment 😁

Mothers of that generation would, in the main, be dead by now. I’m a new grandparent and relatively old as I had children in my early 30’s and DS has just become a father in his late 30s. My generation were very much encouraged to breast feed. Is your MiL of a different ethnic group?

@Chunkychips23 Firmula feeding was most definitely not seen as the ‘gold standard ‘ in the 79s and 80s. In fact my experience was much the same as today; breast was seen as best. You might be advised to give a top up of formula if baby was very hungry and unsettled while milk was getting established, but that was the same advice given to a friend’s DD only last week.

Is there a FIL? Could you speak with him, maybe he can help.

He stays out of it all. Just disappears into his shed or garden when she goes off on one of her rants. He’s a very gentle, unassuming, shy man who just wants peace in his old age.

Talk to him, he might surprise. He's probably quiet, because, for him, it's the est tactic when li ing her. Bet he's a sleeping tiger.

There isn’t a law to let grandparents see children.

There is a law to protect children who have a significant relationship with their grandparents. So for example a child like me who lived with their grandparents for a significant period - in that situation if a parent took the child back and stopped the relationship the grandparent could apply for permission to apply for contact. But they only have the right to ask permission - there is no guarantee they’d be allowed, and even allowed no guarantee they’d win access.

There’s no law obliging the mother of a tiny baby to hand her child over to someone they barely know.

Good lord don’t let this awful woman have access to your child

Hi OP you have my PILs I think.

Stick to your guns… you don’t want to walk in on her shoveling Farley’s Rusks down your baby hours after you had very clearly told her breast milk only and certainly no wheat under no circumstances.

Honestly, if she’s like mine she won’t care that you told her we’re weaning in two weeks time. Baby will be weaned by her behind your back and given foods you have explicitly proscribed.

Your FIL will continue to keep the peace with her as she will make his life miserable if he takes your side. It’s not his fault he can’t stick up for you but your DH needs to grab his courage with both hands and make things clear with his mum.

Best of luck!

They sound horrendous! I have a 16 week old and have left him 3 times with my family and even then I was super on edge and was away no more than 45 minutes! (No personal judgement intended on whether people take time away from babies and how long for).

Good on you for putting your foot down. You absolutely don't need this right now! Sorry if I assume wrongly but you must be sleep deprived with the night feeds and just generally exhausted?! That is so poor your DH saying you have been oversensitive...you may have already, but I would definetly highlight your feelings in his lack of support in the care of your baby together. and remind him of the physical and emotional toll you've undergone to have your child and still experiencing as your body recovers and as you adjust to parenthood. You need to be a team and he's not pulling his weight in looking after you and baby. It is amazing but a 24 hr job caring for a baby, he seems terribly insensitive...For your own well being it is in both yours and baby's interests not to see MIL for the time being and definetly if she can't behave.

Also remind him whose in charge of meeting babies needs i.e parents!! Duh!! your baby needs you 24/7 not your husband or MIL for feeding, reassurance and comfort. My husband is green when our baby boy just wants me but that's just the way. They're not talking sense. unless she's an old fashioned type who thinks babies need a good cry but your baby will most likely need and want you nearby! I agree with other postees, that her getting to see the baby without you present and with her precious son is what she most likely wants. They both seem terribly selfish and unable to recognise what your baby needs i.e you!

That is only in America. No such law exists in the UK.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings is right. In England & Wales grandparents do not have any rights to their grand children.

They can apply to the court for access if there has been a longstanding very close relationship that is subsequently denied, but this is not true in OP's case.

If I were OP, I would never leave LO alone with the MIL, who clearly cannot be trusted.

I rarely read MIL threads and don't feel compassion for the MIL until today!!!!!

@Chunkychips23 your DH and you need to take a much firmer line to this. I would say due to her comments about breastfeeding she won't be able to see the baby until he's stopped breastfeeding, or that if there is one more comment you will be taking a 6 month pause in any and all contact with her. I don't say that lightly. What she is doing is bullying, not just a difference of opinion. She's a terribly bully and it must stop.

I would give your DH one chance to tell her to either never mention how your child is fed EVER again if she wants to see the baby again before they are weaned. And if he fails in that I'd do it myself. You have been too tolerant and clearly he doesn't think it is a big deal, he needs to sort it properly once and for all

Cut the vile bitch out for your own sake

Your mil is being selfish by wanting to feed baby formula rather than breastmilk, which is of course, better!

I wonder how instrumental MIL was in the breakdown of DH's first marriage @Chunkychips23 . If you can get over the ick of thinking of DH loving another woman previously, I think it would be really helpful to your relationship to discuss that with him and the possibility of this issue causing DH a 2nd family breakdown.

You may as well contact MIL at this stage to say something like;

"I think I will find it very hard to forgive your relentless bullying of me at the most vulnerable time of my life. I have been so shocked by your behaviour, considering the good relationship we had previously.

Please consider how it would feel if I were to behave the same way, had you come out of major surgery and haemorrhage. Imagine I came to your house, demanded you serve me refreshments and berated you continually for the following the medical advice you were given." I don't think that you or FIL would accept that behaviour and you certainly would not be overjoyed to volunteer for more of the same treatment. "

Zombie thread!

Oh darn it! Thanks @iknowimcoming

How are you doing now @Chunkychips23 ?

She chilled out slightly over the year, but flipped it from breastfeeding to how I apparently never let her spend time with my DC, blocking her family from bonding 😂 It was all my fault that I wouldn’t drive my child to her at her will, but she never made the effort to see us.

She’s my best friend again now though, as I’m pregnant with baby number 2. Daily messages saying she loves me and making sure I’m ok.

I’ve come to the conclusion she’s just off her tits and just laugh at it all now.

Sorry OP but she sounds like an absolute witch. She is hounding you relentlessly because she doesn’t care about you, or your baby - only that she gets to do what she wants with your child.

Your husband is pathetic for not having put a very clear end to this already. He should have banished her from your home rather than let her continue to behave this way to you.

By all means speak to her if you feel comfortable doing so but please don’t feel obliged to try and appease her or save the relationship with her because she has shown herself to be a really awful person.