To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

My own family would be similar.

You don’t have to listen to it.

Unless the OP has the biggest generation gap in history her parents are likely young boomers/early X'ers who were absolutely sold the "breast is best" message (although with precious little actual support - rather like now).

Truby King, fixed four hourly feeds and "formula is better" was sold to the women of the generation who are now in their 80s & 90s.

The OP has a DH problem, as plenty of PPs have pointed out.

MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway

And you put this comment aside and let her in your house! Honestly hell would freeze over before I was able to put this aside.

As for trying to get your relationship with MIL back, just forget it and stop being a doormat. It takes 2 for a relationship and she clearly is only interested if you do as she says. The relationship is basically over as she has no interest in behaving like an adult.

I don't even think this is a DH problem, this is a both of you problem and you should have put your foot down about it on the first visit. Either she shuts up or you don't see her.

Wtaf. Maybe she has some kind of trauma regarding her previous infant feeding experiences. But of course that does not give her the right to dump all that on you.
I would absolutely cut contact without hesitation. She is being totally cruel. You DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT. You are allowed to cut her out to preserve your own mental health. And your DH needs to step up.

PS even if bottle feeding, it's now recommended that only a small number of people carry out the bottle feeds - it still isn't a free for all for everyone to feed the baby!!

My own family also have this ridiculous thing about breastfeeding - I think they are just projecting some stupid misplaced guilt about their own feeding choices which literally no one but they now care about.
I nipped it in the bud early by telling them to sod off.
Your DH needs to sit down with your MIL and explain everything you’ve written in your articulate post and how damaging this is going to be to her relationship with you and therefore her grandchild if she doesn’t change. It’s literally nothing to do with her how you feed your child. Well done on breastfeeding as it can be so hard.

It’s hard because prior to this, she was fantastic. A little bit of a worrier at times, but we had such a good relationship.

She makes a lot of her comments when he’s not in the room. For example when baby was unwell, DH asked her not to come over. As soon as he went out, she turned up with her DD to visit as she’d not met baby yet. DH was furious and confronted her.

I think DH feels indebted to her, as she sacrificed a lot of him and his siblings. She also stepped in and been a phenomenal support with his kids from a previous relationship.

Her behaviour is so out of character, so with the comments he doesn’t hear he thinks I’ve ’misinterpreted’ or puts down to the fact she’s old and to just ignore it. She also gets very upset easily and has gone through a lot off personal family loss the past 12 months, so this may be a reason for some of her weird behaviour.

I honestly thought my step children would be the ones I’d be struggling with, but they’ve been an absolute dream, adoring their younger sibling. I thought my MIL would be as supportive as ever, but it’s like she’s been body snatched or something

I’m coming at this from the angle that you had a good relationship with her previously and you would like to get back to that again.
Keep these two things in mind :
1- this is a time limited problem. Even if you choose to feed until your child weans of their own accord (often 3.5 ish) it will be much less of a thing once your baby is having solid food and then when milk is just a part of their diet and not the majority.
2- this is about her trauma and guilt and not your choices.

Your DH needs to tell her every time she brings up this nonsense that it’s not her choice, Dr/Health visitor is happy with baby’s growth, and you’re not interested in hearing her opinion on this again today. Grey rock technique - same boring answer to her nonsense again and again and again.

Hopefully they’ll still be a relationship to salvage when she finally gets over it. You have the patience of a saint OP.

She sounds like an absolute cunt!! My MIL has always been anti bf too but not to this extent!! Your husband needs to tell her to fuck right off every time she says something

She sounds truly awful. My blood was boiling reading this. She sounds thick. Just really thick.

I BF both my babies, one would just about take a bottle on a rare occasion, the other one wouldn’t. So apart from from my DH a handful of times, no one ever fed my children. It was always me from the boob, I didn’t consider other people wanting to give my baby a bottle one iota. My baby, not theirs.

I wouldn’t sit down with her, she’ll just rattle on about how she formula fed and how her children thrived. I would just take a two prong approach. Speak to your DH first and tell him you are close to going nuclear with his DM over this and you don’t want to cause a family fall out but you are very close to head butting her at the next family gathering If she doesn’t stop going on. Tell him to speak to her or you will. This is her warning.

THEN next time she mentions it I would snap in a calm, considered but feisty way. Slam down your hand and say ‘Jackie, I’m doing everything in my power not to fall out over this, but I’m breastfeeding my baby. My baby. Not yours. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, it’s fine, I do not give a flying fuck how you fed your children in the 1980s, it’s not relevant to me today. I’ve done my research, I know my own mind. You are ruining this for me with the snide comments. This is supposed to be a wonderful time for me but I’m avoiding you and your family because of your bitchy comments. Is that what you want, to drive me away? Because that’s what’s happening, Please please fucking stop with the comments about my baby being small, starved and me BFing for attention, you sound so ill informed. You used to be wonderful Jackie, I loved you to bits, but you’ve turned in to the MIL from hell. I’m glad I’ve said all that, hopefully you understand and we can move on, Tea??’

Why would you even want a relationship with that type of person? She's obviously shown you exactly what type of person she is.

She actually sounds like there is something slightly wrong with her. Normal people might get a bit miffed, but wouldn't go on and on about something like that. Personally I would be having a very stiff come-to-Jesus talk with her, but then I am probably nearer your MILs age than yours and have the zero tolerance for bullying and bullshit that I DIDNT have when I was younger.

Your DH needs to grow a spine and tell her to pack it in.

This

But your long term relationship will be affected by months of misery and biting your tongue. For your whole life you will remember how she soiled your baby-stage with this. A direct conversation is hugely overdue!

She feels able to berate you and give you her opinion of how you do things wrong, why do you worry about taking the same approach?

No need to be rude or nasty. Just tell her that whilst she has a different opinion your approach is scientifically and medicalise and suits you, your baby and your family. Tell her how she has made you feel and that you don’t want to feel
like that. And that from now on you want her to keep her opinion to herself before it permanently your relationship and hers with your baby.

If she ever starts again calmly say “as I said, I am not engaging in this anymore” stand up and leave or leave the room with the baby.

Your husband has shown he wont help you with this nor stand up for you appropriately so yes you will have to do it.

Theres no easy way to do it. Tell her out straight, I want no more unsolicited advice about how I raise my child. The more you do that the less I will interact with you. These are my boundaries, if you won't respect them, please don't come to my home anymore.

She sounds awful. She doesn’t get to visit her grandchild anymore until she can treat grandchild’s mother with respect and keep her awful opinions to herself. DH really needs to be advocating for you more and tell his mum to stop being such a bitch.

You have massive patience to have not lost your rag to be honest. I do know that some women of that generation were encouraged to formula feed and given negative messages about breatsfeeding so have a chip on their shoulder about it. My own mil was always saying that I should add in formula when I struggled with long nights and DH very firmly told her to stop which sorted it out.
I think something needs to be said but I suspect getting the relationship back is going to be hard as I imagine you feel differently towards her.
Also well done for continuing despite the pressure from her.

Yabu..
To want any sort of relationship with her.. Keep your dc safe. She will be giving dc an Easter Egg if she gets her way...

Perfect.

I'm so for you

You've done amazingly well bfing this long with that sort of negative shit constantly being directed at you, OP! Well done.

I think you would not be unreasonable to say to her, in front of other people, that you are a bit tired of her relentless negativity about bfing as your baby is healthy, happy and thriving. Just say that, there's no need for anything else. Don't bother pre warning your DH, he sounds particularly lame.

She sounds jealous tbh, you need to stand up for yourself now op. Maybe she will wise up if you highlight that you will have to our boundaries in place regarding visiting if she doesn't stops

I'm genuinely not normally in favour of either conflict or stopping contact with family members, but I would be in this case.

I would not have anything to do with her while this continues and she wouldn't be welcome in my home. DH can take your baby to see her if he wishes to, but he should be backing you with this 100% and he isn't.

Was going to say the same. I'm 60 and had my first child in 1993 so she is now 30. No kids yet but I breast fed. It was my mum who was the post war baby. But it's frightening how quickly time moves on... people born in 2000 are 24 this year!!! How did that happen 🤣

My own Mum was quick to tell me that every time my babies were unwell that it was because they weren't getting enough food.... women who had kids in the 60s and 70s were brain washed into believing that formula was some magical elixir and breastfeeding women were hippies. I just let it wash off me, and honestly I just wouldn't engage with any conversation with it with anyone. Just grey rock her, ignore all digs and change the conversation.

Choose the right hill to die on and all that. Your baby, your choice.

My ex mil was enraged I bf when she hadn't been able to. She used to sit right next to me on the sofa and watch. Creepy fucker..
So i switched to feeding dc on a chair instead.... Fed 3 dc in 3 years. She fumed away.

What a nasty person! If it was me I wouldn't let her near me or my baby until she’d apologised. Some of her comments sound so vindictive, especially when directed towards a vulnerable postpartum woman.