To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

I agree. This age woman can be very odd about breastfeeding.

your DH needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that if she wants to see her grandchild she is not to mention anything to do with feeding again.

Her behaviour is so out of character, so with the comments he doesn’t hear he thinks I’ve ’misinterpreted’ or puts down to the fact she’s old and to just ignore it.

So why don’t you play back these conversations from the indoor security cam back to DH to see how else it could be interpreted?

I think it is certainly time for a conversation! Mil I miss the relationship we had before I had the baby. You are obsessed with being rude about my feeding choices. Why? I cannot listen to your negative comments any more. Please stop them or kerp your distance!

I would compose a message with your DH along the lines of 'mum, it's clear you feel very strongly about breastfeeding. I'm aware that your past experiences have influenced this. You have always been a great mum and I know you have always done your best for us. I would never dream of judging your choices in feeding your babies. You now need to extend the same courtesy to us. It's not acceptable to make comments or judge how we and especially chunkychips choose to feed our baby. The comments must stop. If they don't, we will leave or you will need to leave. If you want to discuss this with me please do.
And then enforce the boundary. Any comment implied or not or nastiness, 'oh dear, we'll/you'll need to leave now'. Obviously you'll need to agree with DH, maybe he can phone her to say all this, but it has to stop now.

which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded

This isn't working. Why are you continuing down this route? Its totally ineffective.

And you have a dh problem.

Above comment sounds perfect.

There is no relationship to get back on track OP.

Your MIL is a nasty spiteful, interfering manipulative bitch and you need to go NC.

Her attempted manipulation of family to undermine you is disgusting and your child will only benefit from NOT having such a vile person in their life.

I'm angry for you, just reading this. xx

I probably would have been much more blunt the first time it was mentioned. And just kept repeating myself. Something along the lines of 'I have made the choice of breastfeeding our child, I am not going to change my mind and will stop when me and my baby are ready to. Please stop mentioning it. This is my choice as a mother.'

No one is handling this. Dh needs to text her : hi mum, a new mum needs support. Chunky has had nothing but criticism from you, and we are both stunned by how you have non stop criticised her parenting in front of her and to the rest of the family. Chunky is a great mum, and I won’t put up with this anymore. We are so sad about this as we’ve all had such a great relationship with you and do love you, but you are not welcome at our house anymore, and chunky and baby will not visit. I hope we can get back to our old close relationship in the future, but that’s only possible if you stop criticising chunky’s parenting.
Love <dhs name>

Absolutely op. Since your dh isn't stepping up. You need to sit her down and tell her that ye are going to fall out if she doesn't desist from her comments about how you choose to feed your baby. Tell her that of course she should be able to offer advice once on a subject but you're not obliged to take it and that she will permanently damage your relationship if she doesn't shut up

I think DH feels indebted to her, as she sacrificed a lot of him and his siblings.

Sacrificed, or made choices of her own free will that she now guilts them about?

I'm making sacrifices to feed my baby. I had HG and a miserable pregnancy. I have stalled my career for a year.

That is nothing to do with my baby, he didn't ask to be born. I did it for me and my husband.

Honestly, I think you need to address your weird need to have a good relationship with her!?! I don't bother with cunty people like that. Much nicer life.

Her behaviour is appalling. I agree with nearly every other PP that you need to set boundaries.

But be aware that, based on what you've said about her, this type of personality is never, ever going to back down or apologise when confronted. She's more likely to double down, re-convince herself she's right, and redouble her efforts to get the rest of the family on her batshit side.

Just a warning....

She’s not been over in weeks now, as DH puts off her visits. Rather than telling her directly, he’s just avoiding as he doesn’t want to upset her. He’s said it’s best to just ignore her and she ‘always gets weird when there’s a new grandchild’…

I think it’s because I am older and not having a baby in my early twenties like the rest of them. I have made my own informed choices. My DM is a medical professional, so I’ve had access to obstetric consultants, midwives and lactation consultants as part of my mother’s friendship group too. I don’t think she likes the advice I do get is from them, not her. She sulked when I refused to give my baby cereal, like she did with hers because my baby was so hungry, which was why he was cluster feeding.

If for one second any of my DM’s circle thought my baby was failing to thrive, they’d be straight in there.

I think like a lot of people have said, this has come from her having her babies in the 70’s/80’s where formula was praised as the gold standard to feed babies. Breastfeeding was seen as weird. Her failure to BF, she’s likely projecting onto me.

Thanks all for the advice and comments. My DH needs to handle this directly and more forcibly, even if it’s uncomfortable for him to do so. I understand she’s been through loss and has been amazing in other ways, but we’ve all had loss and it doesn’t excuse her hostility and unhealthy fixation. I’ll also sit and make him watch back some of the conversations that would have been captured on our security cam (for the person who asked - we had that in our kitchen as our house backs onto woods and there had been a number of break-ins in our area)

I loved breastfeeding and did it for almost 2 years, meeting any comments with a steely glare. I think what helps with my MiL is that I forged my own relationship with her which requires both of us to continue to make an effort to be "friends", as opposed to seeing myself as one step removed via DH. The "I don't want to fall out" post earlier in the thread is perfect but you do ultimately need DH onside.

I formula fed one child and breastfed the other - honestly either way everyone has a fucking opinion on breastfeeding and for some reason they feel they can share it- in my experience OP, the best thing you can do is to say my baby my choice. If u don't like it fuck off. I can remember my dad commenting my 2 Yr old was too old for boobs- from a man who never changed a nappy!

Would you like some of my peri menopausal rage OP?
How have you put up with this for so long!

It’s up to you how you feed your baby. You are far more patient than I would be. What @SlackAlice1 said 😆

I'm a "will you just fucking stop?" type of person. Learn to shut it down and walk away every single time. Tell your h that if he doesn't sort it, you will and it won't be pretty or comfortable for him.

I haven't even read your whole post but this woman is batshit! Do not listen to anything she says about feeding your baby- it's YOUR choice!

I honestly would never see this silly woman again

If you’ve had an otherwise good relationship, next time this comes up I think I’d say something along the lines of:

”you can either continue to express your opinion on how I feed my child OR you can visit. You cannot do both. I would prefer you to stop giving me your views and go back to the nice relationship we had, but it’s your choice”. And mean it. If she can’t stop it she can’t visit. And don’t let her in.

Your DH needs to step up and tackle it head on and if he can’t you do it and think about what your DH brings to the table here!

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable.

Your husband should have thrown her out then-it sounds like the relatives would have understood!

I would have nothing to do with her-this is for him to sort.

There's something about that generation and breastfeeding. The post-War push for formula meant that a lot were encouraged or even forced to formula feed

See I think we're possibly beyond that generation now, which makes the MIL's behaviour even less excusable.
My older friends who are hitting the grandparent stage now all breastfed themselves, around early 1990s or so.

I breastfed 3 babies. (20 plus years ago though) With the first I wasnt aware of cluster feeding so felt I wasnt satisfying him so he did have one bottle of formula as a newborn, but since then there has been more information.
My youngest just shot up the centiles as just about all he did for 3 months was feed and sleep, and I was an old hand by then.
My mother had wanted to breast feed but failed -( I think due to misunderstanding cluster feeding and building up supply) but she encouraged me.
Of course fed is best always and bottle feeding through choice or other reasons is not any kind of failure but it has to be your decision on how you feed your baby.

This makes me so angry that your MIL has let her jealousy over this poison your relationship.

Your husband should step in more firmly though and put her straight.

You don't need to have a conversation, your husband has to lay down the law with his mother. As it seems he's a spineless twat, you'll have to do it and he needs to back you.

Tell her if she doesn't stop this obsession with your tits she can fuck off out of your lives until she's grown up a bit. Stop ignoring it.

Or tell her that every time she brings it up, you're going to add another month on nursing.