To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

My MIL was odd about breastfeeding, though nothing like as aggressive as this. She definitely seemed to take it as a personal slight - it seemed that she wanted to be the best at everything, and because she had bottle fed her babies then for her grandchildren to be breastfed was like a criticism of her (in her own head).

She was prickly about everything that had changed or that we did differently to her, but breastfeeding was the most sensitive issue. She desperately wanted to be the one who could settle the baby, so hated that she couldn't give a bottle and had to hand the baby back when crying. She wanted to be central and important and to be the authority on maternal wisdom. It was very tricky to navigate and caused a lot of tension.

We have found that we have had to get a lot better at setting boundaries, and that it's very easy for those boundaries to slide. But in the end, a calm and open conversation does usually help. It's very difficult though, and you and DH have to be a united front. I learned that boundary setting is a loving act - without boundaries, the relationship becomes eroded by resentment and unspoken anger. It's not about pushing her away, but asserting yourself.

I need to take my own advice a little more, to be honest! It's a work in progress, ten years on.

Just tell her to kindly shut the fuck up.

I think I'd start by showing your husband this thread or sitting down and talking to him about it. He is not listening to you and doesn't seem to understand how awful his mum is being. Yes it's a hard thing to hear but if he doesn't stand up for you on this and present a united front it's going to permanently damage your marriage, you are never going to forget that he wasn't their for you when you were at your most vulnerable. If he doesn't believe you how awful she is being then it will also end up with you falling out with her, and him. If you don't show a united front and that he believes you, she will just get more sneaky about how she treats you.

You need to both sit down with her and tell her she has made her opinion (which you never asked for) on your choice of feeding very clear but you can't take any more criticism or sly remarks, this is none of her business and its not for her to judge. She raised her babies how she wanted and you are doing the same and she cannot expect to criticise your choices and still have the same relationship with you. Tell her you really valued the relationship that the two of you had and that she is in danger of ruining it forever if she doesn't at least stay neutral on this subject. That you were surprised at the lack of support when you were at your most vulnerable. And if she continues then you will leave with the baby, each time, and eventually stop seeing her.

You have to stop this behaviour now. It won't be about breastfeeding it will be about every parenting decision you make, eg going to nursery rather than staying at home.

I'd question though whether she is the nice person you thought she was. Breastfeeding opinions aside, who goes into the house of anyone who has had surgery and demands a cup of tea and biscuits? Who ignores rules about visiting people in hospital? Who tries to shame a new mum in front of others? None of these are signs of a nice supportive person.

This situation arises so often on Mumsnet, yet I have never EVER heard of it happening in real life.

You have cameras filming your livingroom?

This is exactly what my own DM said. The fact MIL has mentioned how she tried to BF her kids but couldn’t for XYZ, she’s projecting onto me. None of the other DIL’s or DD’s BF for longer than a few weeks. I wonder if she pressured them to stop too.

How on earth have you put up with this without losing your shit with her already! It is a time limited issue but as soon as you stop breastfeeding there will be something else for her to fixate on. Next time it comes up just tell her calmly that it’s none of her business and she needs to keep her opinions to herself unless asked for them. The constant visiting would also piss me off but I am aware not everybody is an intolerant of others as I am lol

I'd have gone no contact with her long, long before now - probably before the birth. Your DH has no spine.

I'm a people pleaser, so I know what I'm about to suggest will be mocked by other posters who are more straight up.

What if you give her one more chance to see the error of her ways?

Send her a text
"MIL, I'm so sad that we seem to be at constant loggerheads. We used to be close and I think so much of you.

But your comments and judgment about how I feed baby is upsetting. I feel undermined and disrespected by you simply for doing what thousands of other mothers do, and what is working well for us as a family.

I don't want to stop seeing you. Family is so important. But you can't continue to make me feel so bullied. Baby needs a happy, confident mum. Your constant criticism is making me feel very far from that at the moment.
Please can we go back to being friends that support each other?"

Tell her to fuck off and block her. Also tell your DH to fuck off too, he should have handled this before you even had the baby, but he’s a spineless dick.

I would be telling her to fuck off!

My mum, my in-laws and my grandparents were all against breastfeeding for the same reasons you are dealing with, but the worst thing I put up with was when I was 38 weeks pregnant my MIL bought me a Tommee Tippee starter pack 🙄

It was swifty returned to her with a stern, “I won’t be needing that, thank you!”

After that it was just the odd eye roll and snide comments but nothing like what you are having to endure.

She sounds vile!

What an evil nasty cunt of a person. How dare she?!
How on earth are you still bearing to be in the same room as her?

Jeeeeeeez she is an absolute arsehole. OP I'd have told her to get in the sea long ago!

Wow, your MIL is vile!

I would be confronting her ALONG SIDE your DH!! If he cannot stand up for his own wife then take the baby and RUN!

You need to confront her together, making it clear that the baby is not hers, her constant snide comments on weight and feeding are unkind and unwelcome, and that if she continues to make these comments then she is no longer welcome in your home.

Could it be dementia related?

To be honest, I think she has a MIL problem too! What absolutely bizarre behaviour from the MIL. Unhinged really. Formula feeding is great but let's not deny the benefits of breastfeeding. Whatever method OP chooses, the MIL just needs to butt out! And yes the husband should have her back.

This makes me so sad and SO DISGUSTINGLY ANGRY!

YOUR HUSBAND is the problem here.

However your husband is handling it, it’s not working. So it needs to be handled differently. Start by telling her she’s not welcome in your home at all. Do not let her in. I’d cut contact with her completely and she wouldn’t be coming near my child either. You’ve put up with her poison for too long already.

Wow OP that's such a strange situation. She sounds unhinged, the bit about bringing her extended family around that you never even met is insane! She seems to think its her child and disregards you. I can imagine that dynamic could get worse as baby grows up if its not dealt with asap. I think you need to tell her if she wants to see baby she is no longer allowed comment on weight or feeding etc. Dh should be there to witness it. My friend went through something similar many years ago, she was a very slim woman (too thin if I'm honest) and MIL constantly started to body shame her, look at you how could you feed anything, there's nothing good in your milk etc. They stood up to her eventually but the relationship never really recovered. It was like a trigger of something in MIL, very wierd.

You aren't obliged to let her in or see her, DH can go to her
But I think this is the point at which you need to say STFU, this is your only warning, one more comment and you will need to leave and won't be welcome back without an apology and never doing it again

My mum used to do this over my weight, on and on about how ugly I was, how fat, how I was so much bigger than her (I was a 16, she was a size 24) etc and one day I just got up and walked out. It was a revelation that actually I didn't have to sit there and listen

In your shoes I would continue bf until your dc starts nursery.. If mil doesn't approve she doesn't have to visit does she? Mil didn't approve of ds's name and that was the message she was told...

Omg she’s an actual monster. Relentless bullying that is. No-one deserves to be treated like that, you partner needs to step up and make it stop.

You MIL is batshit fucking crazy, and had done you a big old favour by really demonstrating it. She’s shown you who she is now. Cut her loose once and for all - she’s not your friend, and once the breastfeeding drama is finished, there will be something else. Think about what you want your parenting life to look like for the next 18 years and plan accordingly.

Lots of women cant breastfeed and some do find it traumatic but very few of them would behave like this to a new mother decades later. I think she's narcissistic OP. She love bombed you while you were doing everything she wanted. Now you're able to BF, she couldn't. She's going to insist on ruining that for you. No one can have something she didn't have. Google flying monkeys - this is the phone calls from other relatives. DH will struggle to stand up to her as he's grown up in a family where the consequences of standing up to MIL was just too severe for a child to endure. Strong boundaries ASAP before she erodes every piece of self esteem you have. If she's unkind DH can deal with her or you see less of her those are the options. Just putting up with it like youre doing today is madness and will ruin both you and DH. DH needs to find it in himself to stand up to her or you distance yourselves until such a time that you feel strong enough to address or not be upset by the behaviour. It's not about feeding its about controlling you and you doing what suits her. After feeding there'll be something else. She's right you're wrong. Start protecting yourselves now.

I do not think you need to have any kind of conversation with this woman. All you need to say is that how you feed your baby is your business and she keeps her mouth closed about the issue or she is no longer welcome in your and your baby’s vicinity. You do need a conversation, a serious one, with your husband though.

How have you not said anything after all this time? Once I might have let it go but the second time I would have clearly asked her to stop commenting on your choices, and if it continued she wouldn't be welcome in your company.

She'd needs a reality check and quickly, from one or both of you.